Conscious

6 Feb

I’m a nerd.

But more specifically, I am a fangirl.

This means I spend a lot of my time doing this.

squee

I’m not ashamed about the things I like; on the contrary, everyone who claims to know me knows full well that I truly love what I love. I have a TARDIS t-shirt and a Sherlock necklace that I wear with pride, Totoro pins on my purse, copious amounts of books and comic books on my bookshelves, crushes on men that don’t exist (Darcy, WHY?), and I quote my favorite books and TV shows on a daily basis.

I’m an open book.

But I’ve come to the realization that my particular brand of enthusiasm is not always socially acceptable. People will look at you strangely if you scribble “Bad Wolf” on every available writing surface, and if you start squealing in a movie theater when a Star Trek Into Darkness trailer comes on, people will most likely want to rip out your vocal cords.

So in an effort to avoid public mauling, I’ve tried to tone it down. There are people around whom I don’t mention my fandoms, pretend not to be enthusiastic about my existence, and don’t quote Lizzie Bennet Diaries. But I can’t say I enjoy it too much. When they’re gone, I find myself bursting with unused fangirl energy and/or fervor, and just sort of shut down.

too much

Because I’m human, and because I don’t want people to judge me, I try to be a bit more normal. I mean, for the record, I suck at it, but I still try.

But you know what I’m finding out? In the words of the great philosopher John Green,

“… nerds like us are allowed to be unironically enthusiastic about stuff… Nerds are allowed to love stuff, like jump-up-and-down-in-the-chair-can’t-control-yourself love it. Hank, when people call people nerds, mostly what they’re saying is ‘you like stuff.’ Which is just not a good insult at all. Like, ‘you are too enthusiastic about the miracle of human consciousness’.”

I’m excited that I’m conscious enough to spew nonsense.

Take that, normalcy.

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