Love from: Hollywood

2 May

I think we can all agree that every story has a moral. Some of them are far more blatant than others, and sometimes you’ll end up analyzing a story so hard that you’re not even certain that the writer meant the moral to exist. But there’s always a message to be conveyed through fiction. Today, I will take a look at some of the lessons I’ve gleaned from television, particularly those about love: how to make sure your relationship is built to last.

This is what I have so far. Feel free to take notes.

If you and your intended despise each other long and hard enough, your love will be that much deeper.

So don’t hold back.


In fact, take your hatred out on other things around you, too.

Nothing says, “I’m ready for a stable relationship!” like bitterness and malice, ladies!

Now, once you’ve made your enemy, you’re ready to start being nice to each other. However, not too nice.

Don’t kiss someone until you are certain that you won’t regret it.

Because you could regret it quite a bit.

However, kissing and/or other random acts of intimacy may well trick someone into falling in love with you, so it’s worth the risk. 

(See also: nearly every romantic comedy that has ever existed) Try to make it seem like an accident. Trip and fall on top of each other on your way out of a room. Eat spaghetti without proper eating utensils. You’d be surprised at how often this works. Especially if you’re an animal. 

Gentlemen, women can’t resist a man in a mask.

Use whatever excuse you have to. Disfigurement is popular, but being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will work as well (infinitely better in some cases). Just use what you have. It’s all in how you work the technique.

And of course, if all else fails, awkward is adorable.

I’m so in love with Mr. Darcy <3I still don’t understand how Elizabeth could have possibly rejected him the first time. One does not simply not accept Mr. Darcy’s hand.


Tell her just how uncomfortable she makes you feel by making her feel equally fish-out-of-water-esque.

Take care to do the pained eye-flicking carefully, and then prepare to catch your intended as she swoons. Works every time. Apparently.

Now take a good hard look at you and your newfound lover. Your relationship could not be healthier, nor more unpredictable! Congratulations! Now that you’ve snagged a significant other, don’t skimp on the PDA. Your friends are all just happy you’re happy, so keep it coming!

And now, if you haven’t already, I would like you to read that last paragraph again in a tone so dripping with sarcasm that your face begins to sting.



I hope you’ve all benefited from today’s analysis. Love on, my friends!

16 Responses to “Love from: Hollywood”

  1. Mockingbird May 2, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

    I think awkward only works for Andrew Garfield….

    • Mockingbird May 2, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

      Amendments welcome, of course 🙂

      • Emory May 2, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

        Hahaha! Andrew rocks awkward like no one else. He’s an inspiration for amateur awkwards like the rest of us! 🙂

  2. kireliron May 2, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    You are brilliantly hilarious.

    • Emory May 2, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      Oh thank you, Love! Have I told you recently that you are a fabulous human being?

      • kireliron May 2, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

        I don’t believe so, but thank you! 🙂

  3. Kayla Sanchez May 2, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

    Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will always win!

    • Emory May 2, 2013 at 5:35 pm #

      Amen! And he knows it too.

  4. The Wasp May 2, 2013 at 6:24 pm #

    This is all kinds of perfection! And thanks for using those Bambi GIFs, way to make my day (: Another lesson, make sure you don’t sing or frolic, because you might end up accidentally kissing or something (;

    • Emory May 2, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

      Hahahaha! Exactly! I kept thinking of our conversation about Disney couples. 🙂 Accidentally kissing is a great way to break the ice!

  5. The Voyager May 2, 2013 at 7:45 pm #

    That Luke/Leia bit killed me.

    So did that LBD Darcy gif. Ugh Daniel Gordh why do you have to kill me with your cuteness.

    • Emory May 2, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

      Oh dear, I got a bit nostalgic using that gif. We miss you, DG!

  6. Invisible Woman May 7, 2013 at 7:34 pm #

    “Accidentally kissing,”……… works every time 😉

    • Emory May 7, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

      You know it does, cupcake.

  7. Gemma May 25, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    Hahahaha love it! 😛 Oh Hollywood, you are so realistic 😛

    • Emory May 26, 2013 at 8:45 am #

      There is indeed some fabulous advice to be had from them! 😉

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