Using Awkward as Warfare

5 Jun

I am good at awkward.

True, this is not something that is commonly listed as a skill, but when you know how to use it, it most definitely is. Awkward is generally thought of as something that is good for nothing. Wrong. It’s the solution to a problem that has haunted mankind for ages: unwanted conversation. How to avoid it?

Many people try to solve this uncomfortable situation with courtesy, and quickly discover it only encourages. Using passive aggression may inspire the annoying person to try harder to annoy you (and it also makes you seem mean), and if you just ignore a person, it’s entirely possible that the ignoree will keep trying. However, if you use awkward to flounder the person into a stupor, you can kiss their unwanted company goodbye (in fact, if you insist on actually kissing them goodbye as they try to leave, it will be seventeen times more effective).

If you’re not naturally talented in the awkward department, I have some tips for you. It may take some practice, but it won’t be long before you can awkward yourself out of any situation.

[Disclaimer: if you become so good at these that you alienate everyone around you, I refuse to be held responsible]

  • Avoid eye contact. Look at their forehead instead. Act as if it is the most beautiful thing you have ever gazed upon.
  • Lick your lips deliberately. If you do it right, they’ll think they have something on their face and get so distracted trying to remove it that they won’t even notice you’re slowly backing away.
  • Don’t hear anything they say. Make them repeat nearly every thing that comes out of their mouth, forcing them to hear twice how aggravating the conversation is for you.
  • Stare. Don’t blink. If you combine this with the forehead-watching, the person to be avoided will probably run away before you have to.
  • Don’t get their jokes. Make them explain to you, in the most painstaking way possible, why they are funny.
  • Make references to things they don’t understand. Lie down on the floor and say you’re good at mermaid dancing (it’s a lot of floor work). Tell them you’re a high-functioning sociopath (“Do your research.”). Ask them whose side they take in the Marvel Civil War: Iron Man or Captain America? (If they answer, make them explain why) Compliment them on a clothing accessory and refer to it as cool. Then proceed to wiggle your eyebrows.

However, Awkward as Warfare is not without flaws, one being that if you use the last listed option and the other person understands the reference, you’ve just made a best friend, whether you like it or not. And please, don’t use these tips lightly. Remember: you will look weird. That’s the whole point. If you don’t have to use these methods, then don’t. Don’t use this veritable Mjolnir of information to squash a fruit fly.

I’ve entrusted you with great power.

(insert quip about responsibility)

Make me proud.

[Disclaimer part two: If you know me personally, and you’re worried I’ve used one of these on you – I haven’t. I’m very selective about who I use them on. So don’t worry. I’m just awkward.]


10 Responses to “Using Awkward as Warfare”

  1. Mockingbird June 5, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

    I’ve awkwarded myself out of many a conversation. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that uses it as a tool…
    Ending your unfinished answer to a question with an uncomfortable laugh is a great way to divert conversation as well! Heheh…

    • Emory June 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

      I am cracking up right now. ๐Ÿ˜€
      And true as well! Thank you for that sunshine beam of a comment.

  2. Merrilee G Lewis June 5, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

    teehee ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Kayla Sanchez June 5, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    Oh dear… I do the staring thing all the time without even meaning to… Oh well! I really like the last one: if someone ever did that, you’d by right in saying that I will latch on like a barnacle.

    • Emory June 5, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

      Hahaha! I’ve never used the last one to deliberately make someone uncomfortable, but it has happened by accident quite a bit more than I’d care to admit. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. geekygirl91 June 6, 2013 at 10:34 am #

    How couldn’t I comment this post? XD hahahaha!
    I usually try to avoid unwanted attentions (especially on the train,since I use it to travel a lot) making the grumpiest face in the world. They used to told me when I was younger that my normal/I’m not thinking about anything face was always a little bit grumpy and/or awkward,but it seems to not always work. D:
    So,I think I’ll use your suggestions and apply them on creepers and disgusting old men on the train ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Emory June 6, 2013 at 11:03 am #

      Hahahaha! I hope my suggestions serve you well!
      I haven’t used every one of them on purpose yet, just the not getting the jokes thing and the not hearing well one. The last one happens on accidentโ€ฆ
      The same thing happens to me when I’m thinking! Everyone thinks I’m having a terrible day by my expression. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. kireliron June 6, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

    Oh I laughed out loud! I will certainly be using these tips in the future. Thank you so much for this post.

    • Emory June 7, 2013 at 9:06 am #

      Huzzah! ๐Ÿ™‚ I wish you luck in your awkwarding!

      • kireliron June 7, 2013 at 9:06 am #

        Thank you, dearest!

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