Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

19 Nov

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”


Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.


“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
cinder_3 cinder_4

this went from zero to sad real quick buddycinder_5

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes) cinder_7

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? cinder_8

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*cinder_9

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?cinder_10

Craigslist ad?cinder_11

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… cinder_12

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”cinder_13

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”cinder_14

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”


All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?

“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.




See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”
cinder_20 cinder_21

If you’re not running away, what are you doing?cinder_22

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THATcinder_23

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.cinder_24

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”dirtyellacinder_25

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.cinder_26

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”cinder_28

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”


“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”


“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.

“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.

what are you doicindeR_37

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUScinder_38

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.cindeR_39

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.cinder_40

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”cinder_41

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.cinder_42

“You shall not go to the ball.”cindeR_43

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!cinder_44

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.

“Who are you?”cinder_46

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”

“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?

Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be cindeR_49



One job.cinder_52

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
cinder_53 cinder_54 cinder_55

I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.cinder_56

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.


Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.cinder_58

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.


Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.cinder_60

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.cinder_61

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”cinder_62

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.cinder_63 cinder_64

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. cinder_66

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.cinder_67

“They’re all looking at you,”cinder_68

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.

Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.cinder_72

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.cinder_73



♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬


And where there is goodness, there is magic.”cinder_78

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.cinder_79


♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.

“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?


Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.cinder_84

“Are you looking for this?”cinder_85

Love is an open doooorcinder_86

Life could be so much mooore – with you.

with YOU!
cinder_88That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)


15 Responses to “Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella”

  1. Adrienne November 19, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

    You make the worst into the best. You have more talent in your little finger than most people posses in their whole body. Thanks for distracting me from homework in the most positive way, and the good idea to watch Tangled now.

    • Emory November 20, 2014 at 8:50 am #

      ohmygoodnessthankyousomuch. You are the sweetest of sweethearts and it has been an honor keeping you from your homework.
      Go. Live your dream.

  2. R November 19, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    I’m excited because 1. it just looks frickin magical. 2. no obligatory battle scenes and “take back your kingdom” bs. 3. they’re actually letting Cinderella’s heroism come from her virtues and character instead of just making her sassy and giving her a sword 4. it looks magical, it’s the holidays ok, they got me! Hilarious breakdown btw.

    • Emory November 20, 2014 at 8:48 am #

      1. Amen
      2. I overlooked that, but now that you mention it that is absolutely a massive plus!
      3. YES
      4. AMEN
      (Thank you for the help! 🙂 )

  3. Wasp November 19, 2014 at 10:13 pm #

    As you know, I have already attempted to give you some excitement to feed off of… but, seriously, I really hope you will manage to get stupid excited about this movie 🙂 And lovely trailer breakdown, by the way.

    • Emory November 20, 2014 at 8:47 am #

      I am definitely getting more excited! And I find that we typically like the same movies, so that’s just a little bit of help there too. I appreciate the all caps squees you sent me on facebook! 😀

      • Wasp November 25, 2014 at 9:04 pm #

        That’s what I’m here for 😉

  4. heidi November 20, 2014 at 9:38 am #

    Seriously loved this. Hilarious. Helena/Bellatrix/Fairy Godmother = “One Job.” I’m still laughing. 🙂

    • Emory November 20, 2014 at 1:28 pm #

      Ahaha thank you so much! It’s not like I could resist, they made it far, far too easy. (Your blog is fabulous, by the way, thanks for stopping by, darling)

  5. Emily C. November 20, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

    “You’re here because you love movies ” Uh, me? Yes, me! (and, um, geekery. but yeah. *coughThatDWFinaleStillHurtscough*) 😉 Although I admit a little amused surprise… I heard of ‘the another’ Cinderella movie and kinda shrugged, and thought for sure your next Trailer excitement would be with Into The Woods. 😉 But yes, still a good point above about it looking very magical and not a ‘princess battles for kingdom’ thing… hee. Cute.

    • Emory November 20, 2014 at 1:30 pm #

      Dude, I am SO far beyond stoked about Into the Woods! I watched the trailer about seventy times in a row when it came out, but then I forgot to do a breakdown, and now I’m afraid it’s been too long? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll do a weekend post about it. 😀
      Also I am ashamed to admit it so I’ll say it fast: Istillhaven’tseentheDoctorWhofinaleohmanI’mtheactualworst

      • Emily C. November 20, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

        Ahh… I see. *sage nod, bemused look* Nothing wrong with lateness. I recall you being nicely lighthearted about my ‘bah’ comment of being ‘behind’ fan stuff. 😉 Still. Movie looks nicely magical (and I usually enjoy creatively dark/alternate story type tales), but wasn’t sure it’s really on my radar like certain others. But, erm, careful there, with dangerously loaded finales! Leave yourself a calm evening because holycrapyouwillbeonanemotionalrollercoaster. ;_;

  6. Kire November 20, 2014 at 6:50 pm #

    I must say 1. as always, your breakdown is brilliant! and 2. I was very happy with your glitter comment. I swear the stuff is more contagious than Ebola. (Too soon?) I’m actually starting to think that glitter is her ultimate weapon and she will end up sassing and blasting her way to the throne, ruling the kingdom in a glittery reign.


    Congratulations on your ability at wonderfulness!

  7. Jennifer Hilty December 9, 2014 at 9:50 am #


    I just wanted you to know that I was literally laughing LOUDLY out loud while I read this, oh my freakin’ word your articles are hilarious. I MUST TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS GOLD MINE OF ENTERTAINING MATERIAL

    In other words, keep up the great work! ;D

    • Emory December 9, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      RIU, welcoooome! 😀 Aaaaah, you’re so sweet, thanks so much for the kind words, darling!

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