Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World

25 Nov

I would appreciate it if I were a bit more stand-offish about this movie and therefore more condemning of Hollywood’s bad habit of re-vamping older movies. I would very much like to use this movie to look refined and hold it up as an example of an industry completely out of original ideas.

However, none of that changes the fact that I nearly vibrate with joy when I hear the Jurassic World’s take on the classic Jurassic Park score music. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that this movie looks so incredibly bomb. Gaze upon the glory that is the Jurassic World official trailer, and then come back here. I’ll tell you what I thought if you tell me what you thought.

Just kidding, I’ll tell you anyway.

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“I’m really proud of you for going on this trip. You’re gonna have so much fun.”

I can’t help but agree with Universal that the best way to start off a cult classic sequel is with a beloved young character from a more recent cult classic sequel. Welcome, everyone’s-favorite-supporting-character-from-Iron-Man-3.

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Do you smell anger and hormones? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget to toss you a hoodie-wearing, headphones-sporting teenager. Can you imagine? How would the kids relate?
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“And remember! If something chases you – run.”

We’ve been here ten seconds and you are wasting no time establishing yourself as the worst person here. Well done. jp_4

In case you’re getting nervous, there’s no need to worry – I’m sure there is very secure fencing for the water dinosaurs. How could this place get a permit any other way? *nervous laughter and sweating*jp_5

Activity: Enthusiastically remind your friends that this is exactly twenty-two years and one day after the release of Jurassic Park the first! Watch them slowly back away until they are out of sight!jp_6

Meet Gray, the example of the face you’re about to make.jp_7

aaaaaaaaaaajp_8

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My, my, my, what a body count.
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jp_11 jp_12

Okay, let’s be real. Obvious danger, frankly ridiculous variables, and nay-saying common sense aside – I would pay SO MUCH MONEY FOR THIS
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And actually, that’s the whole point isn’t it. I’m already going to pay so much money to go pretend to be there.jp_14

I can’t say I think that it’s a bad idea yet. jp_16

Now, Universal Studios knows what that what you really, really wanted was Jaws 5, so here’s their nod to you, you freaking weirdos.jp_17

OH SWEET SALLY GOod yes I wanted to be scared of the water again
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No, I hadn’t just gotten over that. Thank you, thank you sincerely for this.
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A moment of silence for all the smart phones being rushed to safety just moments too late. You were cut down in your prime.jp_21

Aaand straight ahead you’ll see the shot I’ve been waiting for.  jp_22

“We have learned more in the past decade from genetics than a century of digging up bones. A whole new frontier has opened up.jp_23

We have our first genetically-modified hybrid.”jp_24

“Foolproof,” Said all the biologists at once.

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“You just went and made a new dinosaur?

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Probably not a good idea.”

You needed to fly someone in to say that?

Does he get paid to advise on situations like this one?

in that case YES WELL DONE CHRIS YOU FIGURED IT OUT
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YOU ARE TRULY A GOD AMONG MEN
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“That wall’s forty feet high. You really think she climbed out?”

Yeah, you’re right, that seems impossible. It’s not like those claw marks reach the top of the wall and the animal you’re referring to is missing from her cage oh WAITjp_30

“Depends.”

“On what?”jp_31

“What kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

Okay, see what I’m saying? This is not rocket science. How do I get on this cutie’s career path?jp_32

Hey, kid, souvenirs are extra. Just because Stark gave you a laboratory doesn’t mean you’re entitled to everything else in the free world. Before you say so, you and the dinosaur are not “connected.”jp_33

“Evacuate the island.”

(More of that Jaws 5 action for you crazy kids. Close the beach? Why would we do that, we could NEVER)
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Pro tip: if you ever find yourself in a job situation where your surroundings look like the game-makers’ quarters from the Hunger Games, you’re probably doing something terribly wrong.jp_35

“She’s a highly intelligent animal.

After all, homeboy Star-Lord knows a thing or two about genetically modified animals with homicidal tendencies (given, however, his experience has mostly come of dealing with  smaller woodland creatures).jp_36 jp_37

♪♬It’s rainin’ men

I’m so sorry I knew as soon as I typed that that it was out of line I’m so so sorry that’s actually super gross ew I’m so sorryJP_38

Can we put that last bit behind us? I give you instead, Chris Pratt dressed like Indiana-Jones-meets-Han-Solo and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like she hasn’t noticed yet.JP_39

If you’re still carrying that rifle, I got news for youJP_40

Well, you may have lost the firearm, but at least you’re probably minutes away from being consumed by a terrible lizard. You lose some, you almost win others.
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She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Admittedly not usually a statement that follows a remark about a creature’s intelligence, but hey, maybe it should be.JP_42

“Oh God.”

Let’s address the real issue here. You couldn’t avoid making an arts and crafts dinosaur, that’s a given, but you couldn’t have made a little one? Maybe a slow-moving herbivore? More importantly, why didn’t you make a Toothless?JP_43

Seriously, if you had the funding and know-how to create Toothless and/or ride-able dragons and you chose not to, then you deserve whatever happens to you in this movie.JP_44

I’m feeling less okay about that statement, but I stand by it.JP_45

The worst part is like half of these people lost their smartphones to the splash zone in scene five, so no one’s even going to believe them when if they get back home. Think of the vines that went to waste.JP_46

Oh and speaking of, my little buddy seems to have lost his headphones. Probably forever, judging by the circumstances. Now how are we going to be able to tell who the melodramatic teenager is?JP_47

“Run!”

Maybe the mother at the beginning of the trailer was on to something after all?

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*Raptor noises*

no she most definitely was not you stay still and silent Gray I need you to be safejp_48

Yes, oh my goodness, it feels like I just dug this movie out on VHS along with a ton of other movies I didn’t know I had and I  LOVE ITjp_49

Sure, okay, the raptors are being let out of their cages horse-race style. Terrifying, yeah, but don’t even worry about it, boys.jp_50

2015’s Han Solo never stops guarding our galaxy.

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7 Responses to “Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World”

  1. Wasp November 25, 2014 at 9:05 pm #

    “Do you smell anger and hormones?” My favorite. So perfect.

    • Emory November 26, 2014 at 9:50 am #

      My other option was “Do you smell a gallon of body spray?”

  2. aveselka November 26, 2014 at 8:02 am #

    Reblogged this on Girl on Fire.

  3. Shahrazad November 26, 2014 at 9:48 am #

    All I really thought to say during the trailer was, “Wait, isn’t that Starlord?” I can only assume this is the “little bit of both” he was talking about.

    • Emory November 26, 2014 at 9:50 am #

      Ahahaha! YES. Your mind is a beautiful place.

  4. Kire November 30, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    I was so excited with those dinosaur races.

    • Emory November 30, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

      ohmygOSH so cool man

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