This Week On “Wait, Sorry, What?”

9 Dec

Last month marked my one-year anniversary of landing my first job.

Early in said employment, I overheard my then-supervisor telling a technician that yeah, she had gotten an evaluation shortly after she first started working here.

If you know me at all, or if you have a mental environment anything like mine, you can probably guess how I reacted to that particular bout of eavesdropping.

I panicked.

Everything I’d ever done wrong at the job or could conceivably do wrong in the future flashed before my eyes set to the tune of an eerie Lorde song.

When was this coming? I figured it would be at the end of my three-month trial employment. It wasn’t. Maybe six months? Half a year? That made sense. But no. So it had to be on my anniversary, right?

Apparently not.

But in case you thought my mind was a healthy place to be, no, I have not stopped thinking about it. So now? I think maybe the best thing I can do to put my mind at ease is to write it myself.


Performance Summary

  • What are the employee’s strongest points?

Speaks clearly on the phone, is kind to customers, willingly laughs at jokes that are severely unfunny, and has a genuine desire to do things right.

Has the workforce’s second-best handwriting and the best spelling. Has become the office standby for “how do you spell” questions. Was asked by a co-worker how to spell the word “own” once and she didn’t even make fun of him (and she really, really wanted to).

  • What are the employee’s weakest points?

Often goes about her tasks with an air of confusion if said tasks were not spelled out in excruciatingly excessive detail to her.

Gets defensive easily. Four months into her employment with our business, she responded to “How are you liking it here,” with (and I quote) “Fine! Good. What, uh, why, did I do something wrong?”

Broke the desk chair but we forgive her because we probably should have guessed she was going to be using the foot bar more than a normal person since she’s painfully short and needs the altitude

Didn’t know the difference between a copier and a printer until she had been here six months. That’s not a learning curve. That’s a mental block.

  • What can the employee do to be more effective or make improvements?

Sometimes it seems as though she has mild hearing loss and things have to be shouted to her. This, however, may well have to do with the fact that Jukebox the Ghost and Bastille is often blasting from her desk speakers. Turning the music down very low (or even off) might aid communication. Or maybe switching to country music like everyone else here

  • What additional training would benefit the employee?

We’re not certain whether or not she was ever instructed on this, but someone should probably tell her we can all hear it when she listens to Jim Gaffigan upstairs in the break room.

  • Any additional comments – 

The office has smelled much better since she started working here. Between the air filter she dragged in and the Bath and Body Works Wallflower she plugged in during the summertime, you can barely tell by scent anymore that we are adjacent to a medical marijuana dispensary.

Has left a series of confusing objects around the building, including but not limited to a small plastic dragon, an angry-looking vinyl anime character, and a stack of drawings (not meant to be found, we think) containing mostly pictures of a sinister, floating triangle with a top hat and bow tie.

None of us even want to know what that means.

Well, I’m sure I’ve over-thought this entire ordeal. Or at least I like to think I have.

Chances are, that is not what that evaluation would look like, but it feels good to get this off my chest in some way. However, as only one person seems to have noticed how long I’ve been here, I don’t even think it’s forth-coming anymore.

In any case, it helps that the effect I was going for anyway was a sort of friendly ghost who helps out but doesn’t get in the way. You know, as in no one’s sure how many generations I’ve been here for, but I clearly mean no harm?

“That’s our resident specter,” my boss will explain to the next hire. “We saw her placing a curse on the small desk printer once, but it was already pretty condemned, so none of us are worried.”

“What?” I’ll moan, my semi-transparent head spinning towards them. “Are you guys talking about me? Did I do something wrong? That chair was broken when I got here.”


9 Responses to “This Week On “Wait, Sorry, What?””

  1. Jennifer Hilty December 9, 2014 at 10:09 am #

    That was certainly one of the more entertaining employee evaluations I’ve read. XD At least you seem to have a good grasp of both strengths and weaknesses! That stinks that it’s been lingering over you so long, but I’d definitely say that you’re probably cool by now if nobody’s yelled at you and it’s already been about a year. Keep up the good work! Also my condolences for your unfortunate nextdoor neighboring business.

    • Emory December 9, 2014 at 3:57 pm #

      Ahahaha, thank you so much Jennifer! 🙂 This did help the lingering a little bit. (and our neighborhood business isn’t nearly as noticeable as it used to be, but yeah, keeps things interesting!)

      • Jennifer Hilty December 10, 2014 at 5:15 am #

        Well thank goodness for that. XD And by all means, you can call me River or Jenn, it’s what most people online call me! Thanks for the followback on Twitter!

  2. Shahrazad December 10, 2014 at 8:43 am #

    Now I know that “lol” is way overused and barely means anything, but I laughed so much my mom suspiciously asked me, “What are you reading in there?” So lol!

    You’re brilliant. Country music stinks. You must tell what you mentally said to your fellow employee who could not spell own.

    • Emory December 10, 2014 at 4:24 pm #

      Coming from you (who I know doesn’t use internet jargon lightly), “lol” is a genuine compliment, thank you so so much!
      Addressing second comments:You’re the best. I KNOW IT DOES. And it was more mental incredulous laughter than mental dialogue. (Though there was a “wow are you serious” in there somewhere.)

  3. Merrilee G Lewis December 10, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    One of your best!! 🙂

    • Emory December 10, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

      Awww, thank you darling!

  4. Kelly Kaufman December 10, 2014 at 2:07 pm #

    Brilliant. That is all.

    • Emory December 10, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

      Ahahaha! Thank you so much!

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