Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 5

17 Aug

Welcome to the long-coming fifth installment of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined (Parts 1, 2, 3, 4): Your source for when you want to start deciding where you fit in the world – just not quite enough to close Netflix in that other tab.

I’m here for you babe.

Let’s get started.

Director of SHIELD

Upside: Action, excitement, close proximity to Thor’s arms and a high probability of getting Captain America to sign your vintage box set of superhero cards.

Downside: What job security? Plus, your stance in the Civil War, which you’re so proud and certain of now, comes into play in a far more violent and emotional way when you have to tell the characters themselves who you’re siding with.


Upside: You’re incredibly intelligent, and you use that to make a difference. Your work does important things. Whether you go Flint Lockwood and make it rain food, or you go Reed Richards and teleport four people to another dimension while roaring drunk (geez, you cinematic moron, what’s wrong with you), you followed the calling that was laid out before you when you discovered you were a dark-haired nerd with one friend. Good for you!

Downside: You’ve let yourself in for a lot of angst, kid. You might lead your loving older brother to a burning science expo that gets him killed. You might create rat-birds. You might even create a whole new breed of dinosaurs. All your friends (one) are going to hate you for a little while, because wow, do you make bad decisions in the name of science.


Upside: You believe in the truth, and you fight for justice. You are determined to make sure the innocent live happily and that the guilty are found out for their true selves. You’re clever and have hidden talents that make you extremely adept at what you do. Is that talent your heightened senses and a built-in lie detector? Or is it your extensive knowledge of hair care and post-perm protocol? Either way, you rule.

Downside: It can be hard to make it in law. People expect you to be a lying cheat, or maybe they just don’t pay you any attention at all and you barely scrape by financially, forcing your partner to steal tea and bagels from next door and forcing you to be a nightmarish vigilante in your spare time. But hey, that’s not everybody.

Some people are Elle Woods.

Dragon Rider

Upside: Dragons. I shouldn’t need to say more than that, but I will. You get to form a bond with your reptilian companion, you play the part of a warrior, you get to meet interesting and often terrifying people, and you get to fly on the regular. Also? Dragon racing. It’s like dragon quidditch, and nothing has ever been cooler than that ever e v e r  e  v  e  r

Downside: Definitely a dangerous career. Dragons are fiercely protective, but not necessarily of you. Plus, warfare with other dragon riders is not something you want to get involved in.

Tourist Trap Manager (See also: Con man)

Upside: Your lifestyle is run by imagination. You want to charge people to get into your eccentric home? Glue an armadillo to a possum. Instant Ripley’s Believe it or Not. Put that money directly into my pocket, please. Plus, it’s the perfect cover if you’re working on something secretive in your basement. Suspicious types that could potentially pose a threat won’t bother you, and the naive people who do don’t know what to look for.

Downside: Are your lying and nefarious experiments worth the valuable relationships you could be poisoning? Are they really? Secrets don’t make friends. Your life and your choices makes me so upset, please, give me a minute here.

Raptor Trainer (Alpha Raptor)

Upside: Are you kidding me? Are you Kidding?? Me??? YOU HAVE RAPTOR CHILDREN WHO BEAT UP BAD GUYS WITH YOU ARE YOU KI DD I N G M E  ?  S I G N  M E  U P

Downside: Your raptor children want to eat you. And this ain’t no quick death by mosasaurus, my friend, you’re gonna feel every bite.


There’s really no point in fooling around when it comes to a decision as big as a career. This is my fifth and final of these analyses now, so please, think it over, and let me know.

I just want the best for you. So don’t you freaking dare create rat-birds or I will hunt you down


2 Responses to “Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 5”

  1. Shahrazad August 19, 2015 at 6:35 pm #

    Yes! I have always wanted to be a mad scientist! I barely have to change my current lifestyle. Drink lots of coffee, live with your parents, weird the neighbors out, laugh evilly, etc. The only problem is getting good at science…

    • Emory August 23, 2015 at 5:46 pm #

      Don’t forget that your hair has to constantly look like you were just electrified or something. I support your decision.

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