Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

22 Apr

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

Bourne1 ohmyGOSHcan you believe this holy moly

“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

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Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

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“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

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“I remember. I remember everything.”

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“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

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“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

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You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

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“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

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If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

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“Facial recognition got a hit.”

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Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

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“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

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I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

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“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

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Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

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By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

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“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

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“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

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To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

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some

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BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

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This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

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“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

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“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

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Number 3.

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What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

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Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

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Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

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“I volunteered because of a lie.”

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More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

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It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

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I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

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(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

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(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

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(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

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“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

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“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

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Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

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Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

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YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

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Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

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By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

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“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

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Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

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Like this. This is a good direction.

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Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

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Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

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4 Responses to “Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne”

  1. Elizabeth April 22, 2016 at 8:03 pm #

    “What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.” SAME! What a time to be alive!

    • Emory April 22, 2016 at 8:21 pm #

      Our own personal Tour de Compadres 🙂

  2. Elizabeth April 23, 2016 at 2:22 pm #

    I couldn’t watch the trailer before reading this, but I still laughed out loud at your commentary! You make me want to get excited!

    • Emory May 24, 2016 at 10:12 am #

      Aaa, thank you! That’s literally all I want to do when I write these things

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