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Trailer Breakdown for a Wrinkle in Time

19 Jul

The good news is that this year, the Disney D23 expo didn’t stop for breath. There was the Edna Mode feature, the bite-sized Wreck-It Ralph 2 teaser, the Star Wars Ep. VIII Behind-the-Scenes featurette, and way more. However, one bit of news caught my attention the most, and to no one’s surprise, I’m about to start yelling about it.

A Wrinkle in Time,  my long-time, all-time favorite book is being adapted for the big screen (in a second and hopefully better-fated attempt). I promise, I could not be more excited.

Feast your eyes on the official Wrinkle in Time trailer here, then head back here for circle time. I have one or two discussion points I want to go over.

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Yeah, um, okay is it too early to start talking about symbolism?? And subtext??? Meg Murry, this wonderfully screwed-up girl who has such a huge image problem that she purposely exhausts her audience by never shutting up about it and picking fights at school because it’s the only thing she can think of to do with her personality help I’m shaking????

 

“What if we are here… for a reason?”

Oh my gosh. I literally could not be listening closer. Talk to me about greater purpose, I’ll eat it the hECK up

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The cinematography is already making me cry, but through my joy-induce bleariness, I can tell that Calvin, mister-star-of-the-basketball-team is probably in this scene, staying hidden until he’s relevant (and aren’t we all).

“What if we are part of something truly divine?”

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“Imagine! Ninety-one billion light years traveled – “

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this number has some special significance. Look, Mr. Murry, after a certain amount of “billions,” all normal people hear is “a lot.”

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” – Like that.”

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(Nightmare version of Sweet Dreams begins to play)

I wasn’t sure until this moment in the trailer, but I am over the moon that Disney has this movie taking the trippy route. This book wrote the book on trippy.

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Starring the winter night sky in Animal Crossing: New Leaf

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“Your father has accomplished something extraordinary.”

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The book began after Everything With Dad™ went down, so I’m stoked we get to see Meg and her dad looking happy. That warms my heart.

Kay now let’s get to the spooky stuff

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“Also dangerous.”

LOOK WHO JUST BECAME RELEVANT

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Let me explain something real quick. I loved Wrinkle in Time and its characters for a number of reasons, but up there in the top ninety-one billion was how protective of each other Meg and Calvin become after 9.1 seconds of getting to know each other.

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That in mind, I usually try not to include dark, cloudy screenshots in these breakdowns because a fading scene means it’s time to start thinking about the next scene, but I’m just not ready to stop thinking about this scene

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Turn up your screen’s brightness, I’m talking about THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE

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Okay, all right, there are more things that happen in the trailer. Like isolation and darkness.

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“He’s trapped by a darkness…”

Hearing Oprah’s voice creeping through a voiceover is eerie and calming at once. I guess that’s what the book was all about.

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“… That’s actively spreading throughout the universe.”

Still,  Oprah’s Book Club means something new to me now.

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Here, we get our first look at Mindy Kaling as Mrs. Who, and the house of actual dreams.

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Calvin and Meg make up exactly 2/3 of the people that I should see in this scene. #OperationFindCharlesWallace

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“And the only one who can stop it -“

Mrs. Who is looking for Charles Wallace too

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“Is you.”

MY GIRL

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“Be a warrior.”

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“I’ll try.”

MY *sniffs* GIRL

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Mrs. Whatsit makes an appearance! Using her semi-psychic powers to find Charles? Time will tell.

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Honestly the use of colors and sharp, angular imagery gives me a lot of hope that this movie is going to be the Dr. Strange of children’s science fiction movies. You know what I’m talking about?

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I’m there.

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Found: One six-year-old boy. Answers to Charles Wallace. Please tell his family and any concerned parties that he’s okay (except for the imminent danger)

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Also Found: Three possible angels. Answer to light telepathy and quotations from long-dead poets.

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Aunt Beast?? Malevolent creatures??? Various strange beings???? I’m sold I don’t even care

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While I don’t know if anything or anyone will ever beat his performance as the Joker in Lego Batman, I’m still pretty fired up to see Zach Galifinakis play a walking pun.

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The more landscape scenes we get, the more years are added to my life.

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“You’re going to be tested every step of the way.”

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HO BOY

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These scenes are getting to be rapid-fire now. I’m kicking into brief-analysis mode. Calvin’s in trouble (probably because he and Meg are not holding hands)

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Meg’s upset (probably because she and Calvin are not holding hands) and Charles Wallace is just sort of preparing for death

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Mr. Jenkins is making the most Mr. Jenkins-esque face possible (confused, ill-tempered, and almost crying)

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Chris Pine is in agony

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“Trust nothing.”

The quick pace grinds to a halt as we enter the neighborhood from that one suburbia episode of X-Files, or maybe the neighborhood that Edward Scissorhands’ girlfriend was from. Or it could be place where Chuck  Bartowski and Sarah went undercover in their second season. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like, 1000% evil, and that’s all I know.

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“Darling! Time for dinner!”

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Do you think Charles Wallace wishes he were tall enough to be in any of the shots? Or do you think he’s above that kind of thinking?

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“Are you lost?”

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Literally or emotionally? (in either case, the answer is yes)

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Me when people tell me I’m being too dramatic

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In every shot of this trailer, Meg looks more ready to face monsters than she did in the last. Which, I think, makes Calvin’s expressions even better by comparison.

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New Zealand is just the place to be if you want to be a magical creature fighting evil, I guess. Look out for hobbits.

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The youngest Murry makes a final, fierce appearance to make sure you don’t forget that you wouldn’t have even MET any of these people if it weren’t for ME, Meg, you wanted to hide in the house and cry about drifters in the neighborhood and how you weren’t pretty enough and Mr. Jenkins hated you and oh my GOSH

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“The only thing faster than light is the darkness.”

One cheerless quote to tie it all together.

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On that note? Join me for a glorious story about love, family, and hope in the spring of 2018.

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I’m gonna be there, and I’m gonna be screaming.

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Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

26 Mar

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

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We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

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“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

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Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

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You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.jl6

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

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It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.jl8

“The others – where are they?”

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“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

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Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

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I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

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See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

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“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

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“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

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“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

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“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

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I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

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“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

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Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

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I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

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“You’re the Batman?”

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Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

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“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

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We got Cyborg®™

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Wonderful Woman

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and Big Boy

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(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

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When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

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Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

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I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

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Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

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“What are your superpowers again?”

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“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

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From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

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“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

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This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

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I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

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Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

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Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

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Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

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This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

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Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

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For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

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We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

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“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

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GLORIOUS.

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“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

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“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

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“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

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“Yeah!”

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I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

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COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

Trailer Breakdown for Stranger Things Season 2

5 Feb

While a televised Let’s Play was being watched by over 114 million Americans today, the TV in my home was unmuted for a whole 37 seconds.

You already know what it is.

Of course – if you don’t, then hit the newest official teaser for Stranger Things Season 2 and when you get back, I’ll still be here, screaming into a pillow.

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We open on a scene each of us have experienced first-hand, especially if, like most Americans, you are a literal member of the Brady Bunch.

“L’eggo my eggo!”

“You l’eggo my eggo!”

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Static. Brady Bunch turns a little Last Chance Detective.

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Turns a little Twilight Zone.

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“Eleven!”

I’m out-of-my-mind stoked that we have solid proof that Eleven is going to be as important in this season as she was in the last, but! Is!! She!! Staying properly hydrated!! She bleeds a lot and I’m worried

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You know what? ALL these kids need water bottles. Look at those nerds! They never get off their bikes unless they’re playing D&D campaigns or actively dying.

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First new shot of Hopper. Sorry I couldn’t get you a image where it doesn’t look like a picture you took by accident with a disposable camera when you were nine, but what’s more authentic 1984 than bad lighting and mistakes?

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This season is set in 1984, one year after the events of the first season that left us with unbearable amounts of questions, fan speculation, and people dressed as Eleven for Halloween.

(I’m not judging, I was wearing a wig and carrying a frozen waffle box just like you were.)

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Anyway, if Dustin and the Pussycats can rock their cosplays with this much confidence and charisma, I’m pretty sure none of us have to think twice about ours ever again.

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What’s Hopper dressed up for Halloween as, Indiana Jones? Lando? Or is he gonna shelve that one this year for the kids’ sakes?

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freedom for america, freedom for france

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The time stamps show that Eleven is being tested the night before Halloween. Hopefully she’s being asked about any other costume ideas she might have. If it is anything else, I’m going full mom and tearing this thing down.

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I’m going fULL MOM AND TEARING THIS THING DOWN

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Slenderman #confirmed

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Enjoy this shot of official Netflix admission that No, Will Has Not Suffered Enough™

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Same.

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If there’s something strange/in your neighborhood/who you gonna call?

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!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express how ready for this I am. If we work together, we can run this hype train for the better part of a year, right? The mouth-breathers at Netflix are making us wait a little over 8 months for this shining gem, but I’m comfortable considering this a birthday present. It’s almost eggo season again, kiddos. I’m ready.

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Hey by the way, did the Compatriots or the Meg Falconers win the Puppybowl?

Baby, Seasons Change but People Don’t.

30 Jan

What season is it now?

Don’t give me that “winter” garbage. It’s not winter. I’m not counting down the days until Christmas anymore, and when I put on a sweater, no one looks at me and sings”sweater weather!” They look… sad.

Obviously it’s not spring. I wore a t-shirt last week and if it hadn’t been for a selfless act of love, my heart would have frozen solid. I saw a swarm of eleven beautiful robins yesterday, but I think they were arguing about who had gotten them lost.

My personal sanity hinges on having something oming up to look forward to, and the nearest celebration is Super Bowl Sunday, which is the one dy a year I hope no one talks to me about what’s on TV.

So, what season is it now? I have the answer. It’s the first season of A Series of Unfortunate Events, honey. And it’s phenomenal.

Patrick Warburton’s portrayal of Lemony Snicet is at once upsetting and delightful, a mixture only ever associated with the Lemony Snicket I know and love. The writing is a marvelous marriage of the classic books and new ideas. The incrdible cast is frosting on the cake and Daniel Handler’s Hitchcock-esque cameos are the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake.

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I started to read the Austere Academy again when I finihed the series to better imagie how Netflix is going to bring it to life in season two. Listen. Listen. No one s more excited about Carmelita Spats than I am, and I will fight you on that.

I don’t want to give any spoilers to any o you who haven’t inished yet, so I will close with this – nothing could make me happier than to know that this horrible, wretched, depressing story is being televisd to reach and repel as large a goup of people as possible.

It’s exactly the opposite of what Mr. Snicket would want.

Now. If you’re done feeling annoyed by my grammatical errors, then take a figurative page out of Lemony Snicket’s literal book (Specifically, The Wide Window) and find out what I’m really trying to say here. 

The world is quiet here.

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

16 Sep

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

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“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

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I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

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Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

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Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

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Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

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“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

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THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

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“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

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Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

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It’s terminal

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“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

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On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

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It’s treasure planet

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I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

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Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

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I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

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“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

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I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

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“A boat!”

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I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

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Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

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Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

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“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

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“Hero of men.”

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“Wh-What?”

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“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

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“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

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“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

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Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

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And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

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“Did not see that coming.”

Image result for flynn rider did not see that coming

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“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

  1. the splash coming off the high-five
  2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
  3. the hair frizz
  4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

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“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

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How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

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… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

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Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.moana44

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

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!

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“They’re kinda cute!”

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!!!!!!!!!

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I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

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You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

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Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

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This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

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I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

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Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

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“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

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The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

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“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

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“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

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And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

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Peaceful!

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Charming!

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Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

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SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

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Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

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A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

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“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

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“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

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I’M READY.

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“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

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I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

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“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

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“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

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See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

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“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

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HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

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And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

22 Apr

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

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“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

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Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

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“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

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“I remember. I remember everything.”

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“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

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“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

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You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

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“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

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If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

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“Facial recognition got a hit.”

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Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

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“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

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I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

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“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

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Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

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By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

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“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

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“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

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To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

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some

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BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

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This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

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“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

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“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

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Number 3.

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What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

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Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

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Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

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“I volunteered because of a lie.”

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More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

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It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

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I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

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(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

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(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

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(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

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“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

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“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

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Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

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Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

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YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

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Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

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By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

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“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

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Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

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Like this. This is a good direction.

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Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

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Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

The Currency of Being 23 | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 4

5 Mar

Jennifer! It’s Saturday, March 5, 2016.

You know what that means.

It’s a Bob’s Burgers birthday. Because what else? (I mean besides Studio Ghibli, BBC, Psych, Community, Avengers, Taylor Swift, and fiction siblings) And anyway, who better to show us a good time than the Belcher family themselves?

Or more generally embarassing? Let’s get straight to today’s program, Jenzie.

You’re turning twenty-three today!

What a high-quality age to be. Plus, you’ve still got seven whole years left on your 30-before-30 list, and if I know anyone who specializes in stuffing as much intention and joy into a set amount of time, it’s you. So just keep being that, you over-achieving nerd.

By the way, I don’t want to hear any of your garbage about 23 being a boring age, okay? Every notch added to the amount of years you’ve been alive is an actual party and anyway, there are plenty of songs about being your age, even now that you’re no longer feeling twenty-two. (Everything will [still] be alright if you keep me next to you)

Whether we’re road tripping, watching Doctor Who on Thursday nights, or planning our debut Thanksgiving album with dad, it’s always a good time.

And I mean now??? Now we’re in New York together????? I love this. Let’s do this all the time. You have such an adventurous spirit, and you’re always hopping to another cool idea. Sorry if the fam and I overload you with snapchats and texts about tulips and keytars whenever you’re away. I know you probably hope that we take your spells away from us with quiet dignity and without any residual clinginess but…

No matter what you do on your adventures, keep your eyes on what’s important, and live for something bigger than yourself. We aren’t each of us responsible for our existence, but we’re 100% responsible for our lives, and the way our lives touch others. We have to seize every moment and live it to the fullest, because we never know what’s going to happen next.

Unsurprisingly, Gene speaks the truth. Just remember nothing you’ll go through is truly hopeless. No burden you’re given cannot be overcome (but complaining never hurt anyone either).

And never doubt that you are loved. (of course, anyone you’ve ever met will tell you that) Thanks for always being an awesome sibling and and friend to your super cute sisters.

I know you always say you’re Louise, so thank you for somehow using your evil powers for the better of the people around you. But as Tina, I am ready to dispense some wisdom to you in your twenty-third year.

  • Keep yourself safe by keeping yourself smart.

  • Never be afraid of sincerity.

  • Take special time to take care of the things that are important to you.

  • (On that note, always make sure your priorities are straight.)

  • Don’t be afraid to try new things!

You know, actually, let me try that again. Don’t be afraid to try new things!

Perfect.

  • And know when to treat yourself. Pro Tip: Today. Treat yourself today.

I hope this year is one of the best for you, but still only one in a very long line of ever-improving years. Happy birthday Jennifer, and God bless! It’s gonna be a good day whether you like it or not, dang it. We have a SCHEDULE to follow.

The Truth is Taking Its Sweet, Sweet Time Out There

22 Jan

 

Today I have a mission – to get you as ready for X Files season 10 as I am.

First, let’s get something straight – I didn’t watch this widely acclaimed cult classic scifi show until this summer, when it suddenly became ultra-relevant with news of a revival.

On my never-ending hunt to consume as much pop culture as possible, I took a look at the 1990s series’ summary – two agents investigate unexplained cases and conspiracy theories for the FBI. (For the uninitiated – there has never been anything more up my alley. This is my show)

The series is re-appearing for an encore (again), with a six-episode event this Sunday night, January 24th. With returning actors like Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, Mitch Pileggi, and William B. Davis, the show promises to bring back the thrills, jokes, and the screams of “wait WHY ISN’T THAT GUY DEAD” that the original series had.

(Fans are also hoping the network has been more generous with the lighting budget this time around. Fingers crossed. Send some light bulbs FOX’s way if you think about it.)

As with anything, there are some mixed feelings about the revival, but for the most part, and certainly on mine, there is irrepressible excitement and undying hype.

However, as it has been explained to me, not everyone wants to spend a couple hundred hours curled up with Netflix to prepare for the TV event of the century! Not to fear. I’ve compiled the info you need to know. So! Meet the main characters.

Dana Scully: A tiny doctor-turned-FBI-agent who is assigned to assist (see also: spy on and debunk the work of) Fox Mulder in his work on the X-Files. She is skeptical to Mulder’s out-there beliefs, but she follows his passion and with her know-how and bad-assery, proves essential to the investigations.

Fox Mulder: A huge FBI-agent-turned-FBI’s-least-wanted who has spent years working on the X-Files looking for evidence of the aliens that abducted his sister when they were both children. Highly intelligent and stubborn as anything, nothing will get in the way for his search for truth or his gazing at Scully.

As far as plot goes? I don’t want to dive down any spoilery rabbit holes, so I’ll boil off that fat for you. Essentially, the X Files is nine seasons and two feature-length movies of variations of the following three conversations:

Scully: Mulder, are you suggesting that satanist, genetically-modified bumblebee ceramic figurines from outer space are responsible for this occurrence?

Mulder: Definitely.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: Aliens aren’t real.

Mulder: They are real; my sister was taken by one. You were taken by one. I was taken by one. This whole chunk of random dying ladies were taken by one. I painted a picture of one. Here comes one right now.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: I think there’s a God.

Mulder: ??? Well that’s because you’re gullible and you’ll believe anything, sweetie. 🙂 I just wish I could be as trusting and hopeful as you. 🙂 🙂 Come talk to me when you’re ready to be logical about this hun. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Scully: Unbelievable.

Now you’re as ready as I am.

Two days, kids. I’ll be on the couch, eating UFO cake pops and singing (?) along to the theme music.

Trailer Breakdown for Zootopia

7 Jan

Breaking from my regular trailer breakdown pattern, I have to admit this isn’t a new preview. But I’m here, and come on – it’s Disney. My true love. So we are going to press pause on this Thursday and break down this trailer. Haven’t seen the official preview already? Take a peek and hop back here (Look! my first animal-related joke of this post. What a milestone) and let’s get started.

You know, even being Disney, I was hesitant about this at first, especially with the first pseudo-trailer that explained the word “anthropomorphic” to audiences everywhere.

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Because I’m no fool – with a new Disney movie comes fandom. With new fandom comes cosplay. And in this case,

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“Zootopia.

with cosplay come fursuits. And as it always must be, with fursuits comes my long-standing fear and/or general discomfort of people in fursuits.

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“A gleaming city where animals of all breeds, predator and prey alike, live together in peace and harmony.”

But these guys? ?? ???? How can you not love these faces.

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“Hi, I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah? Well, we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

I’m already rooting so hard for Judy. I believe in her.

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“ZPD’s first rabbit officer, Judy Hops!”

Hops. Brilliant. Does every animal have a surname that reflects a common action of that creature? I hope this Lion cop’s last name is Maul.

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Look at my baby. I’m so proud.

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“Ready to make the world a better place?”

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*Chair skids away*

Yeah, I’m not tolerating this. I’m not going to let Judy take this from Mister Stomps over here. Sign my petition to protect my daughter

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“Bad news in this city, gripped by fear.”

You’re leading with that? A snow leopard should know a little something about subtlety. The town looks to you for stability, Ms… Eats-Blue-Sheep.

snow leopard

(I don’t know a lot about snow leopards)

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“What can you tell us about the animals gone savage? Are we safe?”

We now turn to a tasteful montage to answer that question.

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Nah, son.

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Don’t get too caught up in the subliminal racism that you miss the fact that a tiger is using an iPad with a paw insignia. A pawpad. How adorable is that. Okay, back to the racism.

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“This is priority one.

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“Hops –

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“Parking duty.”

| ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄  ̄ ̄  ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄|
|      ZPD unfair                      |
|________ _ ___|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/   づ”

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“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

I like this message. Stand up for yourself and your abilities, no matter how 2-feet-tall you are. I can relate to this.

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“You strike out, you resign.”

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“Deal.”

Real shady, but I’m into it. Prove him wrong, Hops.

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How many jokes do you think are going to be made on the vein of “we rooted right away for this underdog – excuse me, underrabbit”? That’s unavoidable right? No way only I thought of that joke. When you hear it made, I want you to think of this moment, you and me, where we called it. Together.

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“Hello, I’m here to ask you some questions about a case!”

RED ALERT THERE IS A SMALL GERBIL CAR IN THIS SHOT AND IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE

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“Then they should have gotten a real cop to solve it.”

Does this orange dirtbag have a child in that pram? Terrible influence. Wonderful voice actor.

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“You are under arrest.”

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“For what? Hurting your feewings?”

Wow, outstandingly offensive Elmer Fudd reference. Someone get this talking neck wrap to cultural sensitivity training.

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“You are a key witness.”

(Chorus of “Savages, savages” from Pocahontas in the background)

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“No, he is.”

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“Hey!”

Sign my petition today to stop this innocent bunny’s pain.

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“I need you to run a plate.”

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“Okay, I know a guy. You need something, he’s on it.”

??? You’re taking her to the DMV? No one there is ever on anything.

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My heart hurts for every creature in this shot.

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“They’re all… sloths?”

A m a z i n g

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“We are in a really big hurry.”

“I… am… on…”

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“it?”

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“… break.”

A m a z i n g

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“I have thirty-six hours left, we can only solve it together.”

*Banner unfolds from the ceiling, with quickly-made confetti falling around it* Unlikely Friends

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“It’s not about how badly you want something, it’s about what you are capable of!”

I want to see thousands of tiny bunnies and humans leaving the theater in March feeling empowered. I’m ready.

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“I am a real cop.”

I BELIEVE IN YOU JUDY

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“Never let them see that they get to you.”

Interesting advice coming from a predator that waits for rabbits to turn and run before it pounces. Smells like

*Banner unrolls from the ceiling to the sound of kazoos* Character Development 

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“You bunnies. So emotional.”

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♫Savages/Savages/Barely even human/Savages/Savages♪

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“Do not let go!”

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“I’m gonna let go.”

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“What?”

Looks like Hops finally realized where she falls on the food chain. Not a bad call.

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“We may be evolved, but deep down, we are still animals.”

Shield my daughter’s eyes.

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“Wooooo”

“Quit it! You’re gonna start a howl -“

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“Woooooo”

One perfect chance to reference the 101 Dalmatians Twilight Bark – wasted.

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“Oh, you are naked!”

Eyes front, Nick. Avert that gaze.

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“For sure, we’re a naturalist club!”

Animals degraded for acting like animals. What has Zootopia come to?

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“All the way down…”

A giraffe doing sun salutations. That’s what I came here for.

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There are a lot of things I could point out about this one. Where to start? Maybe I’ll take the minimalist route here and not comment at all. You’re probably already wondering the same things I am anyway.

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Judy Hops, voiceover: “Life’s a little bit messy.

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Separate but equally important petition to replace minion merch with merch of this perfect elephant toddler.

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“We all make mistakes!

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“No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.”

*Wipes tear*

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“We gotta go.”

“Whose car is it?”

“The most feared crime boss, Mr. Biggs!”

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Not going to lie, the trailer could also just have been a blank screen with the crawling text, “Mafia-muscle polar bears in track suits.”

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Gorgeous.

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Judy: “Is that Mr. Biggs?”

Nick: “Stop talking, stop talking.”

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“Oh.”

You live in an animated movie, Judy. This is just the kind of gag you should have seen coming. Not that I think less of you.

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“Ice ’em.”

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Actually ice? Nice touch. It’s all feeling very The Empire Strikes Back and I approve. Two woodland creature carbonite slabs coming up.

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“Daddy! What did we say? No icing anyone at my wedding!”

“I have to baby, daddy has to.”

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I’m a lot more excited for this glorious-looking movie than I was originally prepared to be. Will I see you there? (Not in the 3D theater. I’m not the kind of person who pays $30 to watch a movie wearing two pairs of glasses you weirdo.)

Let me know what you think! Too furry? Not enough furry? I was nervous, but I’m trusting Disney on this, and also willingly entrusting Judy Hops with my life.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

5 Jul

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*
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Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.
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“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.
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“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.
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Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
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Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).
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And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).
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That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.soue_8

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. soue_9

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL
soue_10

Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).
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Give me inventing and reading and biting.soue_12

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give mesoue_13 soue_14

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket
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Do my hands normally shake like this?

soue_17Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.