Tag Archives: Black Widow

For What It’s Worth

29 Oct

I was at work when I noticed what was going down.

MikaylaTuesday was a big day for the studios responsible for your knowledge of Norse mythology. The frankly unsettling amount of Marvel news unleashed yesterday hit the internet like a SHIELD helicarrier into the New York bay, so I feel you are all likely to know what I’m pleased about right now.

However, that’s totally not going to stop me from setting up a quick recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I KNOW RIGHT

In addition to all that jazz, we have a few casting announcements, most notably that of Chadwick Boseman playing the Black Panther and Benedict Cumberbatch coming on board to play Dr. Strange.

Oh, not enough to get you excited? Have some footage of Captain Specimen tearing a log in half while Puny Stark looks on in wonder. 

I get it. You’re feeling greedy. Marvel assumed that would happen, so they’ve gone and gifted us with the a sneak peek of the Age of Ultron dinner party-vengers and their heaps of worthiness.

Of course, we mustn’t forget that said sneak-peek scene was preceded by Agents of SHIELD and their well-written, swift  machete stab to the gut with its latest episode, A Fractured House.

Guh.

(My heart goes out to all you poor souls not out-of-your-mind about these recent developments. We just need to get this out of our systems, and your patience will be greatly appreciated until that moment comes.)

Excelsior, my friends. Excelsior.

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Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

23 Oct

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

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“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know
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“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvmaou_3

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.aou_4

“For mercy.aou_5

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
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“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.aou_7

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
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“But you don’t want it to change.aou_9

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)aou_10

“You’re all puppets –

whoa
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Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
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Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”aou_13

“Tangled in strings.aou_15

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
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“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

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*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

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Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
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Do you get it? aou_22

Wearing out.
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It’s a clothing pun.aou_25

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
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And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. aou_27

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)aou_28

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)aou_29aou_30

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.
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See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”aou_32

What a glorious, glorious month.aou_33

“It’s the end.aou_34

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.aou_35

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
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“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.aou_37

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!aou_38

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!aou_39

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
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Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
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GUHaou_43

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*On her way to get her own movie*aou_45

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
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But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.aou_47

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

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Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.aou_50

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.aou_51

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

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#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
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“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,aou_55

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”aou_56

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.aou_57

“Now

AAAAAaou_58

“I’m

AAAAAAAaou_59

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaou_60

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.aou_61

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more carefulaou_62

“There are no strings on me.”aou_63

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
aou_64BRING IT BUDDY.

Let’s Talk About Captain America: The Winter Soldier

4 Apr

First, though, as a matter of course, we have to discuss how you should in no way be here if you haven’t seen the movie yet; that, however, is of secondary importance compared to the fact that you are sitting here, wasting time on the internet (of all places), when you could be wasting time watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Come on. Where are your priorities?

Back to the matter at hand. If you’ve continued this far, you’ve seen the movie. So let’s talk.

Let’s talk about how this movie did the truly impossible thing and made me want to take up jogging. For at least three minutes. With Sam Wilson. On your left.

Let’s talk about,

“I have the exact same glasses.”

“You guys are practically twins.”

“Pff. I WISH.” 

Let’s talk about Natasha and Steve being one of my favorite on-screen brolationships to ever bro. And, obviously, we just have to talk about how “Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.”

“Yes, they do.”

Unfortunately, talking about it is easier said than done, as most things tend to be. I found that a lot of the emotions induced during the course of this movie aren’t of the efficiently explainable variety.

For example, instead of saying, “When Abed (Danny Pudi) made his cameo, I felt such an emotion that I felt as though my brain went completely offline as I gasped like someone drowning and smiled so largely that I gave myself the laughter lines of a ninety-year-old woman,” it would be much easier for me to simply go –  “ABED”

or “DR. ARNIM ZOLA”

or “I’M SORRY SITWELL, DID YOU JUST SAY ‘STEPHEN STRANGE’?”

Seriously though.

or “I’M WITH YOU ‘TIL THE END OF THE LINE.”

I really do want to talk about that. Steve is known for never giving up in what he believes in, and he believes in his best friend Bucky – it was the only thing he could do for him.

“Not a perfect soldier, but a good man” has rarely been better displayed than it was in this superlatively well-made film, and it is one of the things that makes this movie so worth seeing, so worth talking about, and so very, very worth flailing about in your theater seat, disturbing the general peace, and very nearly jumping into your sister’s arms screaming during the post-credit scenes (this is a great way to bond, by the way).

Because you’ll wait for those scenes, right? Both of them?

Don’t you dare let me down.

Speaking of which, that’s the final thing that needs to be discussed here.

Know what? I want you to be there with me. Let me just take you on a little tour of my cozy corner of the theater last night, during the first post-credit scene.

*Men speak ominously in laboratory-like chambers*

*Ill-intentioned men speak of activating the twins*

*Camera pans to adjacent prison cells, one containing Wanda Maximoff and the other, her brother Pietro*

*Three years pass*

// So can we please talk about this movie?

Trailer Breakdown for Captain America: The Winter Soldier

24 Oct

Just this morning, the trailer for Captain America: The Winter Soldier was released to the public. So why don’t we celebrate by psyching ourselves up for a movie not coming out until spring?

Mm. Maybe don’t think about that part. Instead, treat yourself to this beautiful spectacle of a trailer, and then swing back around bask in its glory with me.

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“You doing anything fun Saturday night?”

Why, Natasha Romanoff, are you asking what it really sounds like you’re asking?
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“Well, all the guys in my barber shop quartet are dead, so, no, not really.”

Steve, honey, turn her down with grace, not with overwhelming guilt.ca_4

“You know, if you ask Kristin out from statistics, she’d probably say yes.”

Oh that’s okay then. Setting up the Avenger with the girl in statistics. That’s noble, I suppose.

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“That’s why I don’t ask.”

“Too shy or too scared?”

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“Too busy!”

Good man. You set those priorities.
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You… Wait, can you even do that?
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“Was he wearing a parachute?”

“No…ca_8

… No he wasn’t.”ca_9

But-

You know what? Fine.

But you do remember what happened the last time you dropped from a plane into icy cold water, don’t you?ca_10

(applause for the Marvel sequence)ca_11

“I joined SHIELD to protect people.”ca_12

“Captain. To build a better world sometimes means tearing the old one down…ca_13

{In which the best bros go for a stroll}
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… And that makes enemies.ca_17

Looks like someone took Iron Man’s contemptuous “spangly costume” comment to heart. Steve, normally I would tell you not to listen to your haters, but in this case… you did good.ca_18

Are you ready? For the world to see you as you really are?

“The world” played by Nick Fury,ca_19

Natasha Romanoff,ca_20

and… This dude. Yeah. Welcome aboard, This Dude. ca_22

Look out the window. You know how the game works.ca_23

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Disorder. War.
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Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the Winter Soldier’s mop of hair I see?
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… All it takes is one step.”

Is that This Dude or Nick Fury on the operating table? Either way, looks like

♪ our trio’s down to two. ♪

(Insert sound byte of Pumba saying “Oh”)

[Excuse me while I frantically try to convince you that I still believe in Clintasha, and assert my belief that this is strictly a bromance]

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“We’re gonna neutralize a lot of  threats before they even happen.”

Yeah, that never seriously backfires. Nick Fury, have you ever seen a little movie called Minority Report? I think you should watch it and just know that you’re setting yourself up for some really weird stuff, man.ca_29

“I thought the punishment usually came after the crime.”

“Yeah, well, welcome to 2014, grandpa.” (scoffs)

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I would like to direct your attention to the bloke sitting on the hood of that car on the left. That is all, carry on.ca_32

“SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we’d like it to be.”ca_33

“This isn’t freedom. This is fear.”

#MURICA

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“You need to keep both eyes open.”

Could you be a little more ambiguous, please?
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*awkward elevator music*ca_b

“Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?”

Good, diplomatic question. It’s important to get everyone’s opinio-

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Come on guys, it was just a question. A “yes” or a “no” will do.
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“Boy. That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”ca_41

I can’t really be angry about the long wait, what with my emotionally overwhelming November movie schedule and all.
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Well done, director of this film. I find myself inexplicably wanting to give this scene a hug.
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Less so now. And what happened to your American Ninja Warrior outfit, Steve?
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{In which the best bros share an attack hug}ca_a

Oh, no? Well, that would make more sense.
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As firm as I am in my belief that the Black Widow can probably take care of herself, I must say,

can we please get a slow clap for this fantastic gentleman?
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Oh dear. Hawkeye missed his cue. I like to think he’s off a yard or two out of frame, gesturing for Cap to hand Natasha over.

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THERE IT IS. There’s that sweaty mop of hair we know and love and kind of hate at the same time.ca_48

Okay, according to Fury’s expression, maybe it’s just hate.

Or possibly hair envy.
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Probably hair envy.
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Definitely hair envy.ca_51

But maybe with a little bit of oh-he’s-about-to-blow-my-armored-vehicle-half-way-to-Asgard.
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Yeah, come to think of it, that was probably a factor.
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Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you dramatic.
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Rogers wishes he could dramatic. And also that his best friend and, might I add, only living friend had not been brainwashed into becoming the most theatrical villain this side of Loki.

That’s right. Just think about that for a while, and then, when you’ve finished weeping, come on over and I’ll console you. Maybe make some fondue.ca_56

“Gear up.”

Who are you to give the Captain orders? Who are you at all?

“It’s time.”

Time to find out who this dude is? Yes?ca_57

Yes? ca_58

Yes.
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Welcome to the big screen, Falcon.ca_60 ca_61

Besides the obvious awesome factor, I have the say my favorite thing about the last two images is how Winter Soldier looks like he’s having a grand old time and Captain America looks like he walked onto the wrong movie set.ca_62

the bike is backca_63

The ninja flips are backca_64

the helicarrier isca_65

Oh, that’s a shame.ca_66

Yes, my love, I accept you. I am stupid excited right now. Is it spring yet?
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But man, this is hurting my heart. STEVE I KNOW HE’S EVIL BUT HE’S YOUR FRIENDca_68

NEVERMIND RUNca_69 I’m going to go gorge myself on fondue until it comes out.

Weak

9 May

Last night, I found out that my youth leader follows comic books. I probably shouldn’t score people, but I do, so I have no shame in saying this was absolutely an instance where his points went up. Fantastic job, good sir. 

We were talking about superheroes, and he brought up why he doesn’t like Superman (I’m not trying to start a rumble, Superman superfans. Just stating opinions over here). He said he thought DC had a god complex with their heroes, illustrated when Superman died and came back to life, and how he doesn’t really have weaknesses – he has a weakness (kryptonite [which just so happens to be only native to a dead planet]). Because of his strength, Superman became less interesting to him.

I understood, but the very fact that I understood struck me as ironic. I mean, the main reason that people are attracted to superheroes is that they are so much stronger than us. They can do the things we only dream of doing – they can fly, teleport, draw adamantium claws out of their fists (That’s not just me, is it? Who doesn’t want claws? Claws are fabulous.), and so on. But we don’t want them to be too strong. We want even our heroes to be flawed and messy.

Spider-man is one of the world’s most popular superheroes, and he could not be more different from Superman. No one thanks Spider-man for saving the day, he is consistently broke, and he is generally thought of as one of the criminals that he pursues. And yet, he is just as popular with readers as an invulnerable man from Krypton whom everyone loves.

[Excuse me while I take a rabbit trail that I promise applies] Ask any person why they enjoy the company of their friends, and one of the answers will definitely include the things that they have in common.

We love to identify with people. The joy of having someone know what you mean to say even when you can’t find the words to say it is fantastic.

Even with all the people in the world, we still tend to be surprised when we find someone who has something in common with us. And we adore it. Misery may love company, but so does happiness, so does love, and so do we.

We search for people who remind us of us. And we want our fictional heroes to be the same way. Obviously, not everyone has shrapnel trying every second to cut its way into their hearts, but we can still identify with many of Iron Man’s struggles. Most of us are not battling a past full of treachery, but we can still find a bit of us in the Black Widow. Not everyone of us is an orphan, but Batman still speaks to us in some small way.

Because they are broken.

Because we are broken.

Because no matter how much we try to improve upon ourselves, we will always have infirmities, and we want to see someone with our infirmities prove that we can overcome them. As the good book says,

“I am glad to boast in my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9

People are ridiculously diverse, but we all have one thing in common – we are weak. Some of us fancy that we are weaker than some and stronger than others, but not a single one of us is perfect, every one of us is weak. If we weren’t, strength would be so much less marvelous. We would not find it spectacular that a drug addict turned her life around and got clean, or that a father returned to his abandoned family, or that a community banded together, despite their differences, and did something good.

Light shines brightest in the dark, and the strength God has given us is all the more remarkable in weakness.

We can be strong, not despite our weaknesses, but because of them.

So be strong, be dazzling, and be a superhero.

And have a nice day.

 

Disclaimer: Yes, I understand that nearly every superhero ever ever ever has died and come back to life. Hey, someone’s got to make money off of serial comic books, yeah?