Tag Archives: fiction

Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

29 Jul

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.
hbt_1

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.hbt_2

“One day,  I’ll remember.hbt_3

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.hbt_4

“The good, the bad…hbt_5

What a cute little townhbt_6

sWEET MOther of pearlhbt_7

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.hbt_8

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.hbt_9

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.hbt_11

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.hbt_13

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!
hbt_14

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,
hbt_15hbt_17

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…hbt_18

… And the Mulan parallels.hbt_19

♪”Until the stars are all alight.hbt_20

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…hbt_21 hbt_22

♪”Mist and shadow,
hbt_23

… And the Mulan parallels.

hbt_24
hbt_25

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.hbt_26

Oh. And…hbt_27

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”hbt_28

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.hbt_29

♪”All shall fade.”
hbt_30

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.hbt_31

Yes, sound advice indeed.
hbt_32

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.hbt_33

And good golly, I’m on a roll.hbt_34

♪”All shall…
hbt_35

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.
hbt_36

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. hbt_37

Mm. You can feel these shots. hbt_38

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS
hbt_39

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.hbt_40

♪”… Fade.”hbt_41

“Will you follow me one last time?”

hbt_42

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien
hbt_43

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:
hbt_44

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”hbt_45In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 4

18 Nov

Looking for work in this economy (really, any economy) is a less-than-pleasurable task.

You may well find that you need a more streamlined job field, one that lists jobs that apply to a specific type of career-seeking person. That’s the purpose of this series –  to find out which fictional careers best suit you and I.  Part 1, part 2, and part 3 covered seventeen of them, but the supply is not nearly exhausted. Join me as I widen my job search to include seven new occupations.

Commander

Upside: You are picked for this occupation because you can kick butt  better than anyone else, not to mention you make sure that the butt kickee never bothers you again. As evidenced by the gif, whatever you do, you look wicked awesome doing it, [spoiler alert] and you can defeat an entire race of supposedly hostile aliens. All this at the ripe old age of twelve. Go you!

Downside: Supposedly hostile. Supposedly. And genocide is not typically something you want on a twelve-year-old conscience, even if you were tricked into it. Congratulations, you’re three-quarters of the way to having a full physical and emotional breakdown. (For those of you who saw the movie, here is where you may recall that Asa Butterfield [Ender] was on the verge of tears for the better part of two hours)

Burglar

Upside: Well, if you’re of the Hobbit Burglar division, then your upside becomes lovely indeed. Travel, adventure, new… friends companions (?). The chance to prove to others that you’re no ordinary hobbit, and that you still have some Tookish blood in you. And then, when it’s all over, you have the immense pleasure of still being just as Hobbit-ish as you were before, smoking pipes, drinking tea, and being cuddly.

Downside: Those new companions I mentioned earlier are rarely (though occasionally) people you would call up again after your initial adventure. Also, they are occasionally dragons. And at some point in your very, very dangerous adventures, you will find yourself thinking of your comfortable rocking chair in your comfortable Hobbit-hole. (It won’t be the last time you think it.)

Blogger

Upside: Flexible hours – you current bloggers know this bit already. Also, if you do it right, you can set yourself up with a nice flatmate who does enough interesting things to keep your blog readable and intriguing. You feel things deeply and care for the people around you. As a result, you are a treasured friend.

Downside: As I said, emotions run deep with you. Grief, then, must be among those – it manifests itself in different ways according to the occasion, of course. But whether it shows up in the form of PTSD or an unexpected mustache, it’s never a pleasant situation. And your best friend is dead. Or maybe just very deceptive. Or maybe just scared of your mustache.

The Dark One

Upside: Extensive use and mastery of magic. Capable of occasional strong bursts of feeling. Sweet-looking dagger with your name on it. 

Downside: That’s it. Those are the only things that will ever go well with you. I hope you’re okay with every single aspect of the rest of your life going straight down the nearest gutter. You have a nasty curse on you, you run around tearing people’s hearts out, no one trusts you even when you do have a burst of feeling (except for that one person you kidnapped, you monster), and your skin looks that of a slimy basketball. How did that happen? And don’t even get me started on your family tree. *goes off on a rant*

Member of VFD

Upside: Access to a wealth of codes and knowledge held only by Volunteers. The power to do a lot of good in the world.  A very cool tattoo is even included in the deal (or at least, it was before the schism) and you are provided with a, shall we say, unusual education that often commences with your being dragged by the ankles from your home. You might think that belongs in the downside area, but… yeah, actually, it probably does.

Downside: Your, shall we say, unusual education often commences with your being dragged, by the ankles, from your home. And all that power to do good is inevitably misconstrued by fellow members as the power to do the other thing. With this career comes a lot of weeping, sobbing, wailing, crying, and the creation of many miserable books.

Incredibly Handsome Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy

Upside: (said in a louder voice) Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. You know all you need to. Fit and strangely charismatic, blue skin (upside or downside?), necktie-shaped facial hair, massive brain, just enough of a misunderstood hero to appeal to the masses, and a  very large potential for doing good, if you can be convinced (and you can be) to turn your life around.

Downside: If you choose not to turn your life around, you will find yourself spiraling downward in a very Dr. Horrible-esque fashion. And, in the immortal words of Megamind himself, “I’m the bad guy! I don’t save the day, I don’t fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get the girl.”

Snow-Enthusiastic Queen

Upside: According to the two snow-enthusiastic queens that come to mind, your homelands of choice are either Narnia or the animated world of Disney. Holla! Lots of power of the governing-people type, enough without having to mention that you can also control ice and snow, and therefore have the ability to make one heck of an awesome-looking castle. Also? Snowmen all year long.

Downside: You’re rarely a good person, and if you are deep down, you’re certainly going through something of a rough patch. If you can control your ice-making ability, then you have a good chance of being inclined to become an irredeemably evil and creepy murderess (just from what I’ve seen), and if you cannot control your ice-making, then, well, you are probably just having a really bad time and are estranged from your kingdom and family (just from what I’ve seen).

However, there’s a score of other queens to choose from if “queen” remains your preferred career path. You may look into being a step-mother queen. That’s a road well-traveled, and you’ll have a lot of other people’s experience to learn from.

This concludes today’s look at the work field. I know that I have forgotten or overlooked a few, and if you recall them, I would love to know what they are! Some of today’s occupations were suggestions, because, as I have discovered, I do not think of everything.

It’s very inconvenient.

Or, on the flipside, if I have encouraged you to pursue a certain line of work, then once again, I’d love to hear about it.

Happy hunting!

On Catching Up

23 Oct

Hello dearies,

This post comes to you in five parts: Once Upon a Time, Emma Approved, Agents of SHIELD, Cabin Pressure, and January. (Yes, the month)

As of late, I have been catching up with a couple things and before you is my collective review of them. I’m sorry not sorry.

Once Upon a Time and I have recently reconnected after our squabble last season. Maybe it’s the thrill of being together again, maybe it’s improved, or maybe I just needed some time to myself, but it’s like we were never apart. He still has those annoying little habits, like relating backstory for days, and presenting cringe-worthy CGI, but if I can’t handle him at his worst, than I don’t deserve him at his best.

Don’t worry, even I find that last paragraph embarrassing.

No, but seriously, I’m quite enjoying the show now, between our lovely new villain (Peter Pan) and a delightful twist on our lovely old one (Captain Hook).

However, I admit that seeing my baby Tinkerbell dressed like a 90’s pop star wigged me out a bit.

But what can you do?

Emma Approved started a couple of weeks ago, but it’s still rather young as far as a webseries goes, so I’ll bring it up as well. I am loving it. It has been brought to us by the magical unicorns who brought us Lizzie Bennet Diaries, so there’s something to be happy about right there. In case you haven’t been informed, Emma Approved is a modern-day adaption of one of Jane Austen’s classics, Emma. I have not read this one, but I am planning to, and I have seen the Gwyneth Paltrow adaption and Clueless, so I have a pretty good grasp on what is going to happen.

The casting for this show makes me smile. Emma is perfect (perfect as only Emma can be – see also: adorable bossy steamroller), Harriet is perfect, and Mr. Knightly is perfect. (if you read those last four words with a certain emphasis, then you’re not reading it wrong.)

And I must say, I do love the relationship between Emma and Knightly at the  moment.

Sum it up in a gif? If you insist.

They’re simply charming.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is a show that has dragged my expectations around in a very erratic manner since it began. I missed a couple of episodes because life happened, but I am pleased to say I am all caught up now.

I loved the third and fourth episodes, but I’m slightly less crazy about the others. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly enjoying it, it’s funny, has a good amount of fight scenes (but not an overabundance, where a lot of shows go wrong), but it is one of those shows that I’m a little bit embarrassed to watch if an uninterested party is in the room. Perhaps I’m just being overly cynical. Obviously, I’m going to keep watching it – I would be far, far sadder to see it go than I would to see it continue on in this caliber.

If you are looking for another episode of Mum’s Reviews (and who isn’t) like a couple of weeks ago, I’m sorry, but this week, Grey’s Anatomy took up the entirety of her attention during the episode, except for one Agents of SHIELD scene which induced me to say “WHAT” loudly, to which mum replied, “Is it believable?”

This was the scene in the hotel room when Skye’s surprise boyfriend, Miles, said he had been missing Skye like crazy.

(And no, not all that believable for me)

Also, thanks to Skymiles (are the writers doing this on purpose?), the latest episode really sent Skyward downward.

Shame.

But none of this changes the fact that Fitzsimmons are a pair of magical meerkats, and Coulson is a beauty. So of course I like the show.

Cabin Pressure is something else with which I am slowly catching up, and taking my sweet time too, in order to savor each delicious one-liner. If you are unfamiliar with this fabulous piece of ear candy, it is an audio comedy released by BBC One radio. Full of British humor and spectacular voice actors (Oh look, Benedict Cumberbatch is in there too), it’s a lot like Fawlty Towers set in an airplane.

What’s that?

You haven’t watched Fawlty Towers?

Well, in that case, it’s a lot like Cabin Pressure set in a hotel (And it has John Cleese in it. I rest my case). Go partake of both, and then come back here and laugh at everyone who isn’t enjoying life as much as they could be.

Now then, just one more thing before I go – but you’ve probably heard the news already.

It was spread fastest by the unified superfan shriek heard everywhere within three miles of civilization, after all. But in the case you have not yet been alerted, then know this —

The Sherlock season 3 air date has been released.

January 19th.

Yes, this January.

I know man it’s just so soon

How weird is it going to be when, as an entire fandom, we have no hiatus to weep about for nearly three weeks? People won’t even be able to recognize us anymore.

This day was always coming, I suppose.

Ready yourselves, Sherlockians. Today, that day is nearer than ever it was before.

*gently dabs away tears with handkerchief*

But anyway.

Thanks for catching up with me, dearies! If you have any experiences related to the above topics, I would love to hear about them in the comments.

Here’s to all our future adventures, fictional and otherwise.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 2

25 Jul

In Part 1 of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined, I discussed how important it is to begin thinking about what you will do with your life one day. The fictional world is full of career opportunities, and in the interest of deciding which one is best for us, I have extended the job search.

Let’s begin.

Disney Princess.

Upside: Do I have to explain the upsides of being a Disney princess? I can talk to animals, have spectacular hair, my wardrobe is superb, I can sing in public and not get weird looks, and handsome prince is often involved at some point.

Downside: My father apparently has terrible judgment when it comes to spouses. I, for one, would like to know how he went from marrying my mother, who was allegedly a perfect angel, to marrying an evil sorceress who murdered him shortly after the wedding. Come on, Dad. I’m sure there were signs. And if step-mothers are not an issue in my story, then there’s always some conflict, whether it be my social standing, my prince thinking I’m a dude, or how trapped in a tower I am.

Psychic Detective

Upside: So. many. snacks. Additionally, I am expected to do the finger-waving to make my psychic powers more convincing, and I can’t tell you how happy I would be to get paid for doing that. My job description? To catch killers, have adventures, flirt with clients, and work with my best friend. You know that’s right.

Downside: I literally lie for a living. This could get old after a while. I would be a considerable target for serial killers, and, if I’m being totally honest with myself, I would gain thirty pounds in the first week if I were allowed to have so many snack breaks.

X-Man

Upside: Mutant powers and world-saving – nuff said.

Downside: X-Men probably catch more drama than any other super-powered individual in the Marvel multiverse. Not only does every non-mutant person hate my guts, but somehow, by the end of the school year at Xavier’s, every student has about three ex-significant others. Not to mention, the chances of being driven insane and altering reality or destroying a planet are frighteningly high.

Maze Runner

Upside: Most prestigious position in the community. A Maze Runner gets exercise, respect, and the knowledge that he may one day solve the maze, free the Gladers, and maybe get some answers.

Downside: That “knowledge” I mentioned above is a bit closer to wishful thinking than a state of knowing. And I’d have to watch out for Grievers, the most terrifyingly confusing creature known to YA literature. Not cool. It’s also worth mentioning that if I run for longer than seventy-four seconds, my own body starts trying to murder me.

Gamemaker

Upside: Fabulous dress code. I could smother myself in gold powder, and not one person could question me. I could stick stickers on my face and not one person would question me. I could stitch an outfit together out of teddy bears and hand grenades and no one would question me.

Downside: The whole sending-23-kids-off-to-certain-death thing is a bit of an issue for me.

Doctor

       Wait, a doctor or the Doctor?

The Doctor.

       Of course.

Upside: Traveling through all of time and space, making friends, and saving galaxies – I could get used to this. The company vehicle has its own personality, and knows where I should go before even I do. I have no living co-workers, so no one can cramp my style. My style, by the way, would love to include wearing a vegetable or a fez.

Downside: Time is in flux, I know, but I’m sure I would still find a way to totally mess it up. I’m not a tidy crier, and I’m pretty sure I have to cry at least once a day in this occupation. The pressure of saving the universe is an intense one, and I for one would not like to see the universe under my protection. Did I mention that I have no living co-workers? Yes? Well, did I mention that that’s because I killed them?

Once again, I believe there are more fictional occupations that I missed, so feel free to give me some more ideas! And remember, when deciding which career path is best for you, be sure to factor in whether you have the right temperament, goals, and/or species to properly complement the job.

Happy hunting!

An Ode to Story-telling

8 Feb

Normally, if I told you I spend a great deal of time hanging with people who are not real, feeling sorry for imagined tragedies, or planning a wedding for two fake people who don’t even like each other [yet], you would probably want to have me institutionalized. But somehow, if I told you it was because I’ve been reading a lot, that’s okay.

It’s no secret that I like fiction. I think a bit of nonsense keeps you interesting, and it most definitely keeps your imagination in good shape. Imagination is a beautiful thing, and if left unattended, it will atrophy and turn into belly fat (that’s my suspicion, anyway; don’t take that piece of information to the bank).

One of my favorite things about fiction is that even though everyone knows it’s fake, it has the power to draw people in and make them feel very real feelings. It stretches one’s imagination and takes it on adventures it never would have thought of embarking on otherwise. So basically, I like to think of fiction as the Gandalf of literature and/or television. An emotionally unbalanced, shape-shifting Gandalf.

This is literally the best metaphor I can come up with right now.

Don’t judge. This is the best metaphor I can come up with right now.

I remember the first time a book made me cry, and it was not pretty. Not far into Ella Enchanted,I ran to my mom sobbing out what I believed to be a good excuse to keep her up at night. I’m not certain if she understood a single word I said, but she toughed it out until I was convinced that  Ella’s mother’s death had no real effect on me.

I ran in crying again about five minutes later, because intellectual reasons to stop crying were not enough for me.

Did I mention my mother is a saint?

Anyhow, my point is, no matter how fictional a story is, how the reader or viewer reacts to it is what matters, and that is as real as anything. That’s why we love stories. We are not robots, we have minds, and we have feelings! We – actually, I’m gonna let the good Doctor take this one:
are you proud

I'm proud

they hurt

ohyes

sounds like someone’s been watching Moffat.

We will not stop imagining.

Long live stories and the adventures they may take us on!