Tag Archives: Gifs

Shiny and New You

2 Jan

There are a lot of reasons to be happy about this time of the year.

  • 2014 still feels shiny and new
  • No more Christmas-flavored hallmark movie puke
  • The Doctor Who Christmas special was ripped off like a bandaid
  • Everyone is still upholding their respective New Year resolutions
  • “New year, new me” is still a viable excuse for everything

For real.

“Why haven’t you cleaned this room since December?”

“New year, new me.”

“Why haven’t you made any progress in your life plans?”

“New year, new me.”

“Why are you eating fish fingers in custard and pasting pictures of Matt Smith all over our ceiling?”

“New year, new me.”

And of course, another nice thing about holidays is that they give you an immediate small-talk option. No matter how much you dislike this cheap form of conversation, I’ve noticed that to function as a human being, you have to have some grasp of how it works.

Thankfully for everyone who is as bad at small-talk as I am, the next couple of days are ready to go, because not only do we have a cookie-cutter question for conversation lulls, but also an inquiry that we’re sure to be asked to be asked in return – so start practicing your responses now!

(insert any quip about social anxiety, if you like)

Here you go:

“Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?”

I’m sure you’ve already indulged in this brand of conversation fodder already,but if you’re as tenacious as I know you are capable of being (and have enough different people to ask), you can probably still stretch it out for at least three more days.

And of course, remember to have your own answer(s) ready. If you can’t think of one, I recommend logging into facebook for a second and picking any one of the dozens of internet people who have already given you their resolutions completely unsolicited.

That’s what friends are for.

Throw in a couple of your own, of course. You set those goals. Shoot for the moon, right? Or, as I read it the other day,

“Don’t shoot for the moon. Shoot to beat the spread by the thinnest of margins.”

Not ambitious, but realistic, I suppose.

Everyone talks about setting “realistic” resolutions.

I hate that word, “realistic.” There are far too many times when it has been used to crush the desire to do something fantastical like “slay a dragon,” “build a spaceship,” or “stop procrastinating.” It’s such Phineas and Ferb-esque dreams that fuel greatness, and they are quickly repressed by the iron-clad and wholly uninteresting word, “realistic.”

Perhaps this is just me, but I’ve noticed that when I buckle down and make the decision to set realistic resolutions, my standards for myself drop down to Hobbit stature immediately. I go from writing my ambitious resolutions in calligraphy to trying to be realistic and I start scribbling things like “don’t die as a result of poor driving of a stick-shift” or “update blog a minimum of once per week month year.”

“Realistic” can have the power to round everything to the lowest common denominator. Just remember that there is a difference between “realistic” and “commonplace,” and you don’t want to blur that line. Nothing is really impossible.

If everything is possible, then “realistic” holds no power over you.

So do it.

Slay a dragon. Build a spaceship. Stop procrastinating. There’s a whole lot of stuff to do before 2015 starts next January, and you can do it all.

And if anyone questions you, you know what to do.

“New year, new me.”

Have a Brilliant Day

6 Oct

I realize that sometimes people wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I want to make sure that that never happens to you people. I am not going to be posting for a while, so I’m here today to look out for your future.

Here are the steps to having a brilliant day.

Wake up. Realize that you have not been murdered in your sleep. Congratulations!

Look in the mirror. Recognize that you are a rare and fantastic unicorn of a person.

Wink at self. Self will appreciate it.

Wear your favorite outfit. If your favorite outfit is dirty, unavailable, or non-existent, then dress like a Time Lord.

Carry on with normal day-to-day activities, stopping frequently for dance breaks.

Behave yourself as if you are auditioning to be a Disney princess (thus dance breaks – and you may need to take singing breaks as well).

If someone around does something not Disney-princess-worthy, move on and make a Jim face to the imaginary cameras (unless you have real ones at your disposal).

Be gracious, and let your loved ones know you care about them by likening them to Jedis or Totoros.

Acquire glow-in-the-dark stars for your bedroom ceiling (Don’t tell me you’re too old for that. You’re not.) and stare at them as you fall asleep.

Repeat.

Naturally

20 Sep

A choose-your-own adventure book, for those of you deprived of such a pleasure, is a tale in which you are the main character. The story has several conditional sections, and at the end of each section, the story asks you to make a decision. If you choose (A) then go to page 14, and if you choose (B), go to page 17.

I adored these, as any control freak would.  I’ve suffered enough pain at the hands of enough fictional characters – it’s time I made a decision or two, right? But I wasn’t good at these as I should have been. That is, I knew how to use them, but I still persisted in abusing them.

Whenever I read a choose-your-own adventure story, I made very questionable decisions. Intentionally. There was one story where I was on an island with some group of people, and I had the choice to go exploring all on my own, or to follow the group like a good little boy scout.

What I saw was a way to be able to make thoughtless decisions without being punished.

So it never turned out well for me.

As far as “choosing my own adventure” went, I died, was sent home in disgrace, and was rushed to the emergency room more times than should have been necessary.

And I don’t think I was the only person who did this.

I mean, let’s be honest, I am part of the human species. Rules don’t agree with us very well. You may have heard of a young couple who lived long ago, and were given one rule? Something about not taking fruit from a forbidden tree? Remember that?

We’re related to these people.

Human nature has a few defining qualities. If you hang out with humans for too long, you’ll find a few patterns in our behavior.

One of those is that we cross lines. Have you ever noticed that as soon as you are told you can’t do something, you want to? If someone tells you to not look down, where do you look? If they tell you to not turn around, what do you? If they tell you not to go near that door, touch that door, or open that door, what do you do with that door?

Those of you who have seen M. Night Shamalayan’s The Village will recall a scene where a group of teenagers play a dangerous game. The teens go to the edge of the forbidden forest and one of them is dared to stand on the boundary between their village and the forest: the object is to see how long he can do it without getting too afraid and running off.

This game would be utter boredom if not for the “forbidden” factor. If it had been allowed, it wouldn’t have been fun. If you’ve been human for two or more years, than you have figured this out by yourself.

Another thing you’ve probably witnessed by now is that misery loves company (How do you think fandoms grow so fast?), even if the miserable person in question isn’t intentionally trying to get people to experience his feelings.

Half a second everyone – I’m going to embark on a rabbit trail that I promise applies to the topic at hand.

I don’t know if you’ve experienced this before, but dropping your iPod or mp3 player on a treadmill is utterly terrifying, comparable to having a poster fall off your wall in the middle of the night.

one second you’re relaxed, listening to The White Stripes, and all is well. The next second, your earbuds are torn mercilessly out of your head, the music is cut off with a sudden snap, and your fallen musical device threatens to trip you as it cartwheels off the treadmill, careening to its death.

By the time your brain processes the unfortunate situation, your adrenaline is pumping like you’ve been maliciously attacked, and, shaking, you look around to see who is watching you fail at life.

Everyone is.

This has happened to me more times than I would prefer, but yesterday it happened to someone else. I watched as his phone was brushed off of the tiny desk-like surface, and then proceeded to leap around under his feet until he had to jump off the moving belt to avoid it. He looked around to see who had seen him fail at life.

I averted my eyes until his gaze was far removed from my face.

Then I smiled like some sort of sadist.

I mean, come on, people, look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never been slightly comforted when someone else besides you struggles to push open a door marked “pull.”

That’s a thing, right? Tell me that’s a thing other people do.

Maybe I should move on.

Sometimes, as now, I wonder if my intense love for good fictional villains has driven me to villainy. But in this case, I think not. Misery does adore company. It’s in our nature, as are many things that are less than benevolent and/or humanitarian.

No one has to teach us how to take what’s not ours, to rebel, or break rules. We figure it out ourselves.

We’re human – we’re born broken and we live broken. This is not to say we’re hopeless or irredeemable; we have boundless capacity for good.

This just makes our good choices even better. So much of the time, they go against our nature. Under most circumstances, you will not make an offhand comment that makes someone’s day. You will not accidentally love someone. And when I say love, I don’t mean

I mean

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I’m not saying this because I’m fabulous at it. I’m human too, despite what you may have heard.

Love may not be the easy choice, or even the first choice, but love is the best choice a human can make, and the people who consistently choose it are the best humans.

And hey guys, Jesus loves you.

Pass it forward and love on.

Disclaimer: I will probably still smile if I see you trying to pull open a “push” door. Let’s not move too fast. 

Love from: Hollywood

2 May

I think we can all agree that every story has a moral. Some of them are far more blatant than others, and sometimes you’ll end up analyzing a story so hard that you’re not even certain that the writer meant the moral to exist. But there’s always a message to be conveyed through fiction. Today, I will take a look at some of the lessons I’ve gleaned from television, particularly those about love: how to make sure your relationship is built to last.

This is what I have so far. Feel free to take notes.

If you and your intended despise each other long and hard enough, your love will be that much deeper.

So don’t hold back.

Tumblr_lo63d5dd2x1qkwc9zo1_500_large

In fact, take your hatred out on other things around you, too.

Nothing says, “I’m ready for a stable relationship!” like bitterness and malice, ladies!

Now, once you’ve made your enemy, you’re ready to start being nice to each other. However, not too nice.

Don’t kiss someone until you are certain that you won’t regret it.

Because you could regret it quite a bit.

However, kissing and/or other random acts of intimacy may well trick someone into falling in love with you, so it’s worth the risk. 

(See also: nearly every romantic comedy that has ever existed) Try to make it seem like an accident. Trip and fall on top of each other on your way out of a room. Eat spaghetti without proper eating utensils. You’d be surprised at how often this works. Especially if you’re an animal. 

Gentlemen, women can’t resist a man in a mask.

Use whatever excuse you have to. Disfigurement is popular, but being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will work as well (infinitely better in some cases). Just use what you have. It’s all in how you work the technique.

And of course, if all else fails, awkward is adorable.

I’m so in love with Mr. Darcy <3I still don’t understand how Elizabeth could have possibly rejected him the first time. One does not simply not accept Mr. Darcy’s hand.

 

Tell her just how uncomfortable she makes you feel by making her feel equally fish-out-of-water-esque.

Take care to do the pained eye-flicking carefully, and then prepare to catch your intended as she swoons. Works every time. Apparently.

Now take a good hard look at you and your newfound lover. Your relationship could not be healthier, nor more unpredictable! Congratulations! Now that you’ve snagged a significant other, don’t skimp on the PDA. Your friends are all just happy you’re happy, so keep it coming!

And now, if you haven’t already, I would like you to read that last paragraph again in a tone so dripping with sarcasm that your face begins to sting.

Good?

Good.

I hope you’ve all benefited from today’s analysis. Love on, my friends!

Public Service Announcement

15 Apr

Stop this madness.

Allow me to translate one of the more reprehensible sentences for you: “yeah and I always thought spelling was important!”

doctor who facepalm photo:  giftenfacepalm.gif

I’m not bashing people who don’t spell very well. I’m relentlessly bashing people who don’t try. As the great Lemony Snicket once said,

“If people wrote as carelessly as some people speak, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”

Just remember, boys and girls, every time you tpye lkie tihs, a fairy loses her wings.

Shame on you.

One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another.

5 Mar

For my last birthday, my lovely sister Jennifer made me a beautiful compilation of gifs to celebrate my milestone. But today she turns twenty! Pretty big screaming milestone, don’t you think? So to commemorate the occasion, I decided to return the favor. It’s a BBC kind of birthday.

Happy birthday, Jen! You’ve made it past the teenage years.

Congratulations.

So now, you’re obligated to become a slightly boring adult, right?

No.

Don’t worry, that isn’t actually a necessity, and thank goodness, I can’t actually picture it happening to you. Now, what does happen is that is that you realize that you are now two decades old. You realize that however big a deal it was when you turned ten, it is now double the big deal.

That is an enormous deal. There are several ways to look at this. You can think, “I’m almost not a minor!”

or “I’m a grown-up!”

or “I’m old enough for these guys!”

The thing to remember is that although being twenty is spectacular, it is not nearly all the spectacular that there is to be experienced.

You’ve seen a sampling of what there is, and you’re certainly not done yet, nor should you be. There is adventure to be had, and knowledge, danger, excitement, comfort, and love.

And an awful lot of running to do.

And yes, before you ask, the sappiness was completely necessary to allow me to use the gifs I wanted to. So sue me.

But it’s all true!

Anyhow, all this to say, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a wonderful every-day-after-that. Thanks for being a fabulous sister and person in general.

Love you and God bless, Jenzie!