Tag Archives: Iron Man

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

23 Oct

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

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“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know
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“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvmaou_3

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.aou_4

“For mercy.aou_5

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
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“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.aou_7

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
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“But you don’t want it to change.aou_9

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)aou_10

“You’re all puppets –

whoa
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Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
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Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”aou_13

“Tangled in strings.aou_15

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
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“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

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*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

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Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
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Do you get it? aou_22

Wearing out.
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It’s a clothing pun.aou_25

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
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And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. aou_27

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)aou_28

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)aou_29aou_30

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.
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See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”aou_32

What a glorious, glorious month.aou_33

“It’s the end.aou_34

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.aou_35

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
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“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.aou_37

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!aou_38

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!aou_39

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
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Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
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guhaou_42

GUHaou_43

GAHaou_44

*On her way to get her own movie*aou_45

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
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But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.aou_47

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

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Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.aou_50

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.aou_51

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

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#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
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“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,aou_55

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”aou_56

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.aou_57

“Now

AAAAAaou_58

“I’m

AAAAAAAaou_59

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaou_60

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.aou_61

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more carefulaou_62

“There are no strings on me.”aou_63

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
aou_64BRING IT BUDDY.

Trailer Breakdown for Robocop

7 Sep

Two days ago, the official trailer for Robocop was released. This movie is a remake of the 1987 film (also called Robocop, rated R), the movie that set the standard for cheesy action figure wardrobe designs. The jury is still out on whether this remake movie is a brilliant idea or a terrible one, and you’re welcome to form your own opinion.

As it turns out though, I’ve realized that so far, I’ve only done trailer breakdowns for movies/shows that I’m excited about. That seems rather discriminatory. I’m an equal-opportunities blogger, after all. It’s time to analyze Robocop.

Detroit, Michigan, 2028.

*Sirens*

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Fifteen years. Fifteen years, and the world looks nothing like it did in Disney’s Meet the Robinsons. What a disappointment.robo_2

Dear people who live in Detroit:

Move.
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Bring in the cops?robo_4

I’m sorry, that was unintentionally insensitive of me.robo_5

“This is Detective Alex Murphy, officer down!”robo_6

Ben Affleck Batman.
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“We are on the eve of a technological revolution.”

Nick Fury! Okay, I can get behind that.

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Robocop: Starring the tech from the Iron Man movies. And Nick Fury from the Iron Man movies. You know what this movie needs? Iron Man from the Iron Man movies.
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It never is.
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“We need to get Americans to rally behind this.”robo_11

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As Ivan Vanko from Iron Man 2 would say, “Drones better.”

We interrupt this set-up to bring you uneasy happiness.
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What a sweet family. I’m glad they’re so happy and safe and secure in their future.robo_14

*Car alarm sounds*

Get it under control, man. People are trying to sleep here.robo_15

*Car alarm continues*

Don’t open the-

Is this your first car? Listen, just hit the unlock button on your key. It works wonders.
robo_16

“PKRSSSHHHH”

Oh.robo_17

I’m being very insensitive today. Please excuse me.robo_18

“We’re gonna put a man inside a machine.”

What an original idea. I’m sure it couldn’t go wrong.robo_19

Hospitals in 2028 get far less efficient in their use of space, apparently.

“He’s suffered fourth-degree burns over 80% of his body…”

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“… If he survives, he will be paralyzed from the waist down.”

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“You say you can save him; what does that mean? What kind of life will he have?”robo_22

*Dramatic musical swelling*

Have I seen this scene before?

Mmm. Okay. Moving on.

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“The hell did you do to me?”

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Oh, you know, made you into a cyborg. The balding dude behind the desk thought it was a great idea. I don’t know why you’re so upset.robo_25

Oh, you like that visor? It’s triggered by murderous thoughts. I thought it was a nice touch.

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“Make him more tactical, make him look, uh… Let’s go with black.”robo_27

Good call, balding dude. The gray suit was way too frilly. No one would have taken him seriously.

“When the machine fights, the system releases signals into Alex’s brain, making him think he’s in control.”robo_28

“But he’s not.”robo_29

“It’s the illusion of free will.”

“Oh, well, that seems foolproof.”

My main problem with future-based movies is that every character seems to have never seen a future-based movie.
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“I’ve selected thirteen targets all wanted for murder.”

Thirteen? In one crowd?

Detroit goes waaay downhill in the next fifteen years, everyone. Spread the word.
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“This is the future of American justice.”

Nick Fury, darling. You’re better than this.

And balder than this.

robo_32

Go go gadget heat vision!robo_33

I hate to be nitpicky (that’s a lie), but I’m of the opinion that no movie with the prefix “robo” should have been allowed to come out after 1999.robo_34

“Alex!”

Stop in the name of loooverobo_35

“You need to speak to your son.”robo_36

“Anything for justice, Ma’am.”robo_37

MGM and Columbia Pictures, I believe.
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I’m sorry, Robocop, does your suit spontaneously generate weapons?

On an unrelated note, what do I have to do to get my car to blow up? robo_39

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Can’t we all just get along? I know plenty of perfectly happy cyborgs.

robo_47

“Somehow, he’s overriding the system’s priorities.”

Again with the whole “I’ve-never-seen-a-movie-before” thing.

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Do I see something exploding? How did the movie industry know I liked that?

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Something else exploding! Can I pre-order my ticket now?

Coming February 2014
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Oh wait, that’s not right.
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Sorry about that little mix-up there.robo_45At least it’s not in 3D.

Time for Some Thrilling Heroics

27 Aug

Heroes stand up for what is right.

They respect themselves.

They respect others.

They respect the law.

They even respect the lawmakers (occasionally).

However, if your personality makes these things less than convenient for you (i.e., you’re a bit of a dirtbag), then there are other options.

At the present time, it is socially acceptable to be a borderline scummy superhero. Many mainstream heroes have given us very comprehensive tutorials for balancing your desire to help others with your desire to sass the entire population of earth.

Take Tony Stark, for example. If you are a young person (preferably a genius) who has a lot to offer, you can easily make sure no one forgets you. And when I say you “have a lot to offer,” I mean that you “have a lot.” That’s right. If you’re filthy stinking rich, the whole ballgame gets a lot more simple (also shown by Batman).

Being rich, entitled, and impervious to good influences also frees you up to feed your diva tendencies. Do something your underlings would expect rich entitled people to do, like build an enormous building with your name on it, or purchase expensive, massive stuffed animals for your loved ones (or loved one, as the case may be).

Admittedly, those ideas are a little overboard, but you catch my drift.

I understand that not everyone is a billionaire, so another hero you can take a cue from is Wolverine. He went from being an irritable assassin with alcohol and authority problems to an irritable X-man with alcohol and authority problems. The only change he really had to make at the beginning of his career was to kill a couple fewer people per day than normal.

If you don’t have the homicidal urges necessary to be a convincing Wolverine, nor the finances to be an Iron Man, you might want to look into the Thing. In this unique bracket, you can be the standard, upstanding hero, with the slight difference that you’re perpetually grumpy, kind of hate everything, and your given dialogue seems to be largely written by a seven-year-old boy with questionable examples of masculinity in his life.

But maybe being a dual dirtbag/superhero is not for you?

If you would rather be a terrible person before you go about your heroics, to get it all out of your system, you’re not alone. Many heroes have done it this way.

Thor Odinson is a good case to look at.

This shining example of a hero very nearly started a war between his kingdom and that of Jotunheim before he realized he was being a moronic egomaniac.

So can you!

You could even pull a Sylar and spend three and a half seasons years giving gory head lacerations to everyone within reach and then suddenly and inexplicably turn into someone you’d invite to your daughter’s baptism.

You have options.

See, In fiction, we do love our damaged superheroes, but as our world is currently non-fiction, we have a surplus of damage and a less-than-optimal amount of superheroes.  What’s up with that?

he·ro

ˈhi(ə)rō

noun
 a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

This description is in no way exclusive to people with psychopathic tendencies, so please don’t be discouraged if you aren’t as much of a jerk as the heroes I’ve listed in this post.

After all, the world needs more heroes, and far, far fewer dirtbags.

Weak

9 May

Last night, I found out that my youth leader follows comic books. I probably shouldn’t score people, but I do, so I have no shame in saying this was absolutely an instance where his points went up. Fantastic job, good sir. 

We were talking about superheroes, and he brought up why he doesn’t like Superman (I’m not trying to start a rumble, Superman superfans. Just stating opinions over here). He said he thought DC had a god complex with their heroes, illustrated when Superman died and came back to life, and how he doesn’t really have weaknesses – he has a weakness (kryptonite [which just so happens to be only native to a dead planet]). Because of his strength, Superman became less interesting to him.

I understood, but the very fact that I understood struck me as ironic. I mean, the main reason that people are attracted to superheroes is that they are so much stronger than us. They can do the things we only dream of doing – they can fly, teleport, draw adamantium claws out of their fists (That’s not just me, is it? Who doesn’t want claws? Claws are fabulous.), and so on. But we don’t want them to be too strong. We want even our heroes to be flawed and messy.

Spider-man is one of the world’s most popular superheroes, and he could not be more different from Superman. No one thanks Spider-man for saving the day, he is consistently broke, and he is generally thought of as one of the criminals that he pursues. And yet, he is just as popular with readers as an invulnerable man from Krypton whom everyone loves.

[Excuse me while I take a rabbit trail that I promise applies] Ask any person why they enjoy the company of their friends, and one of the answers will definitely include the things that they have in common.

We love to identify with people. The joy of having someone know what you mean to say even when you can’t find the words to say it is fantastic.

Even with all the people in the world, we still tend to be surprised when we find someone who has something in common with us. And we adore it. Misery may love company, but so does happiness, so does love, and so do we.

We search for people who remind us of us. And we want our fictional heroes to be the same way. Obviously, not everyone has shrapnel trying every second to cut its way into their hearts, but we can still identify with many of Iron Man’s struggles. Most of us are not battling a past full of treachery, but we can still find a bit of us in the Black Widow. Not everyone of us is an orphan, but Batman still speaks to us in some small way.

Because they are broken.

Because we are broken.

Because no matter how much we try to improve upon ourselves, we will always have infirmities, and we want to see someone with our infirmities prove that we can overcome them. As the good book says,

“I am glad to boast in my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9

People are ridiculously diverse, but we all have one thing in common – we are weak. Some of us fancy that we are weaker than some and stronger than others, but not a single one of us is perfect, every one of us is weak. If we weren’t, strength would be so much less marvelous. We would not find it spectacular that a drug addict turned her life around and got clean, or that a father returned to his abandoned family, or that a community banded together, despite their differences, and did something good.

Light shines brightest in the dark, and the strength God has given us is all the more remarkable in weakness.

We can be strong, not despite our weaknesses, but because of them.

So be strong, be dazzling, and be a superhero.

And have a nice day.

 

Disclaimer: Yes, I understand that nearly every superhero ever ever ever has died and come back to life. Hey, someone’s got to make money off of serial comic books, yeah?

Love from: Hollywood

2 May

I think we can all agree that every story has a moral. Some of them are far more blatant than others, and sometimes you’ll end up analyzing a story so hard that you’re not even certain that the writer meant the moral to exist. But there’s always a message to be conveyed through fiction. Today, I will take a look at some of the lessons I’ve gleaned from television, particularly those about love: how to make sure your relationship is built to last.

This is what I have so far. Feel free to take notes.

If you and your intended despise each other long and hard enough, your love will be that much deeper.

So don’t hold back.

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In fact, take your hatred out on other things around you, too.

Nothing says, “I’m ready for a stable relationship!” like bitterness and malice, ladies!

Now, once you’ve made your enemy, you’re ready to start being nice to each other. However, not too nice.

Don’t kiss someone until you are certain that you won’t regret it.

Because you could regret it quite a bit.

However, kissing and/or other random acts of intimacy may well trick someone into falling in love with you, so it’s worth the risk. 

(See also: nearly every romantic comedy that has ever existed) Try to make it seem like an accident. Trip and fall on top of each other on your way out of a room. Eat spaghetti without proper eating utensils. You’d be surprised at how often this works. Especially if you’re an animal. 

Gentlemen, women can’t resist a man in a mask.

Use whatever excuse you have to. Disfigurement is popular, but being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will work as well (infinitely better in some cases). Just use what you have. It’s all in how you work the technique.

And of course, if all else fails, awkward is adorable.

I’m so in love with Mr. Darcy <3I still don’t understand how Elizabeth could have possibly rejected him the first time. One does not simply not accept Mr. Darcy’s hand.

 

Tell her just how uncomfortable she makes you feel by making her feel equally fish-out-of-water-esque.

Take care to do the pained eye-flicking carefully, and then prepare to catch your intended as she swoons. Works every time. Apparently.

Now take a good hard look at you and your newfound lover. Your relationship could not be healthier, nor more unpredictable! Congratulations! Now that you’ve snagged a significant other, don’t skimp on the PDA. Your friends are all just happy you’re happy, so keep it coming!

And now, if you haven’t already, I would like you to read that last paragraph again in a tone so dripping with sarcasm that your face begins to sting.

Good?

Good.

I hope you’ve all benefited from today’s analysis. Love on, my friends!

Stuff I Have a Problem With

26 Feb

Stuff is giving me problems, and you know what? Stuff can’t be allowed to keep going around and making people miserable! It’s time to stand up to stuff and let stuff know that this isn’t okay.

This is the stuff that drives me mad.

1. The Pit of Ignorance. Sometimes known as “the comments section on youtube.” Now first, I would like to say that some people post witty and well-worded comments on youtube, and good for them! But I think we’re all more acquainted with those comments that make you consider resigning humanity to become a hedgehog. For instance, while browsing comments on a couple of videos, I found these displays of intellectual prowess:

  • “i found it a bit weired”
  • “i the vid with the dribbling and oop to himself better.”
  • “comment ok happy”
  • “IronMan is a boring Superhero”

Can you believe that fourth one? It’s disgusting the people that are allowed on the internet.

Now, I understand that good spelling and grammar do not come easily to everyone who attempts them (or doesn’t attempt them), but for a few years now, we’ve had this magical gadget called spell-check. And it is not only awesome, it is sadly under-utilized.

2. The Impromptu Two-Person Harlem Shake. In case you have been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks (and/or not been on the internet), the Harlem Shake is a two-shot, thirty-second video of people dancing like sick giraffes. It’s awesome. But the afore-mentioned “impromptu two-person harlem shake” is not nearly as magical.

Picture this. You are walking down the middle of a hallway when you notice someone walking towards you. To avoid a head-on collision, you veer left. Motivated by the same intentions, they veer right and accidentally block you. Muttering apologies, you go right to let them pass. Simultaneously, they decide to go left. You begin to twitch in sync with your new dance partner. Your temper rises. The situation, no, your LIFE is no longer within your control.I'm only exaggerating a little.

You’re done for. You’ve been trapped in the ghastly loop of  the two-person Harlem Shake.

To be avoided at all costs.

3. The Rules of Acceptable Social Conduct. I suppose in some ways, this is actually a good institution, but some things about it are just silly. Have you  noticed how the rules change as you and people around you grow older? These tiresome rules have prevented me several times from putting people (people I don’t babysit) in time-outs, it’s not always okay to draw with chalk in public places, and apparently, it isn’t normal to fix problems with bubbles anymore after you’ve passed year thirteen.

Problems that can be fixed with bubbles when you’re 3-11 years old:

  • Boredom
  • Pain
  • Bullies
  • World hunger

Problems that can be fixed with bubbles when you’re 12+ years old:

  • Kids 

4. Patience. Okay, so patience is a good thing. It’s a virtue! It’s a fruit of the spirit! But if you tell that to any Sherlockian, Whovian, or Seahorse (and no, I’m not referring to marine animals), they will slap you so hard that you will fall back in time to before it was cool to like things before they were cool. Waiting, however wonderful it may be for your character, is hard

5. Homework. Otherwise known as “That thing I’m avoiding right now.”

… I should go.

If this stuff makes you cringe too, then know you’re not alone.

Stuff makes us all equally miserable.