Tag Archives: Phantom of the Opera

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 3

15 Sep

In Part 1 and Part 2 of my fictional job search, I covered eleven potential occupations, but there are still more that need to be addressed. The current job economy isn’t exactly promising, and if one of these careers are closed to you or me, then I want us all to be able to have a full arsenal of other choices.

So, seeing as I like to be prepared, here is part three.

Jedi.

Upside:  Jedi are respected, revered, and fight for good. Mind tricks can be learned with time, and last, but not even close to least, light sabers. Light sabers are just given out like candy, you guys.

Downside: Hand injuries are surprisingly common, due to the liberal distribution of light sabers. Love is forbidden. Sure, I could get around this little rule by hauling out the whole

“Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a jedi’s life. So you might say that we are encouraged to love,”

line, but then I might hate myself. And everyone else would hate me too. I would eventually be so consumed by hate that I would turn into a Sith lord. And that’s a whole different career.

Archaeologist.

Upside: Seeing as actual archaeology (such as going to digs, sifting through shards found at digs, studying history, etc.) tends to be more of a pastime in this occupation than a requirement, there is all the more time for rollicking adventures. These adventures typically involve shooting at bad dudes,  and generally looking fabulous.

Downside: All those normal archaeologist duties have been replaced by being shot at by bad dudes, pushed into pits by bad dudes, and getting trapped in exploding, recurring time loops by bad dudes. It’s also very difficult to ascertain when your adventures should end peacefully – you never know if your next adventure will be your last, or, even worse, a really terrible follow-up adventure with bad CGI and weird aliens that everyone hates.

Auror.

Upside: High status. Dedication to investigating and fighting the dark arts, and making the world a safer place. Aurors are wizarding detectives. And did I mention magic? I mean, come on, son. Magic. I might even get the chance to teach at Hogwarts.

Downside: The thing about investigating and fighting the dark arts is that it attracts people who are involved in and work the dark arts. The thing about those people is that they kill people. And when they’re not killing people, they’re pretending to be people. And when they’re not doing that, they’re probably trying. And even if I did get a chance to teach at Hogwarts, I have noticed that Hogwarts is probably the worst-regulated school ever. Job security, not to mention plain old safety, is a joke there.

Half-blood.

Upside: Half-bloods (offspring of Greek gods and humans) get to stay the summer in an epic summer camp where they learn to use their hereditary, slightly magical skills, make adorable friends, and go on ill-advised suicide missions. I would get to have exciting adventures with my underage friends and dish out as much inappropriately-timed witty banter as I please. That’s an important factor for me.

Downside: As Percy Jackson himself said, “Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.” He then goes on to describe how he thinks that if I am a Half-blood, I should hide from the truth and live a lie. This is less than inviting. Also, to be a Half-blood, I have to be born a certain way. Experts have discovered, after much study, that arranging my own birth after being born is nearly impossible, outside of spiffy DeLoreans and flux capacitors, and even then I’m gonna have issues. This is probably a no-go.

Radio announcer.

Upside: I would be the source of information for all my listeners. Without me, how would people know to avoid the dog park (seriously, don’t go near the dog park)? How would people know to turn down the television when having private conversations that the secret police are trying to listen in on? Who would remind everyone what a jerk Steve Carlsberg is? I’m a mainstay of my community, and too high-profile for the people in station management to effectively snuff out without causing a fuss.

Downside: The people in station management probably don’t care about making a fuss, but I think I’ve said too much already. 

Run. 

Opera ghost.

Upside:  I can sing on the job. Sing loudly, too. Steady job, if I can be dedicated enough, and my workplace is not only enormous and underground, but lit entirely by apparently waterproof candles. Did I mention that singing on the job is literally a requirement? I can’t stress that enough.

Downside: Office morale is low, what with my underlings trying to hunt me down and kill me and all. Although singing is in the job description, most of my songs are doomed to be melancholy and riddled with emotional scars. Also, my face is riddled with scars (non-emotional). Admittedly, a lot of pain and scarring is involved with this occupation.

There are still far more careers to be had, fellow fiction-lovers. Some of these ones were suggested to me by my lovely readers (Thank you to Kayla and secondchanced), so please, feel free to tell me what other storybook job openings I’ve missed!

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding the job that is the right fit for you. Also, if you land one of these before I do, I would really appreciate it if you put in a good word for me with your employers.

As always, happy hunting!

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Love from: Hollywood

2 May

I think we can all agree that every story has a moral. Some of them are far more blatant than others, and sometimes you’ll end up analyzing a story so hard that you’re not even certain that the writer meant the moral to exist. But there’s always a message to be conveyed through fiction. Today, I will take a look at some of the lessons I’ve gleaned from television, particularly those about love: how to make sure your relationship is built to last.

This is what I have so far. Feel free to take notes.

If you and your intended despise each other long and hard enough, your love will be that much deeper.

So don’t hold back.

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In fact, take your hatred out on other things around you, too.

Nothing says, “I’m ready for a stable relationship!” like bitterness and malice, ladies!

Now, once you’ve made your enemy, you’re ready to start being nice to each other. However, not too nice.

Don’t kiss someone until you are certain that you won’t regret it.

Because you could regret it quite a bit.

However, kissing and/or other random acts of intimacy may well trick someone into falling in love with you, so it’s worth the risk. 

(See also: nearly every romantic comedy that has ever existed) Try to make it seem like an accident. Trip and fall on top of each other on your way out of a room. Eat spaghetti without proper eating utensils. You’d be surprised at how often this works. Especially if you’re an animal. 

Gentlemen, women can’t resist a man in a mask.

Use whatever excuse you have to. Disfigurement is popular, but being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will work as well (infinitely better in some cases). Just use what you have. It’s all in how you work the technique.

And of course, if all else fails, awkward is adorable.

I’m so in love with Mr. Darcy <3I still don’t understand how Elizabeth could have possibly rejected him the first time. One does not simply not accept Mr. Darcy’s hand.

 

Tell her just how uncomfortable she makes you feel by making her feel equally fish-out-of-water-esque.

Take care to do the pained eye-flicking carefully, and then prepare to catch your intended as she swoons. Works every time. Apparently.

Now take a good hard look at you and your newfound lover. Your relationship could not be healthier, nor more unpredictable! Congratulations! Now that you’ve snagged a significant other, don’t skimp on the PDA. Your friends are all just happy you’re happy, so keep it coming!

And now, if you haven’t already, I would like you to read that last paragraph again in a tone so dripping with sarcasm that your face begins to sting.

Good?

Good.

I hope you’ve all benefited from today’s analysis. Love on, my friends!