Tag Archives: Star Wars

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 3

15 Sep

In Part 1 and Part 2 of my fictional job search, I covered eleven potential occupations, but there are still more that need to be addressed. The current job economy isn’t exactly promising, and if one of these careers are closed to you or me, then I want us all to be able to have a full arsenal of other choices.

So, seeing as I like to be prepared, here is part three.

Jedi.

Upside:  Jedi are respected, revered, and fight for good. Mind tricks can be learned with time, and last, but not even close to least, light sabers. Light sabers are just given out like candy, you guys.

Downside: Hand injuries are surprisingly common, due to the liberal distribution of light sabers. Love is forbidden. Sure, I could get around this little rule by hauling out the whole

“Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a jedi’s life. So you might say that we are encouraged to love,”

line, but then I might hate myself. And everyone else would hate me too. I would eventually be so consumed by hate that I would turn into a Sith lord. And that’s a whole different career.

Archaeologist.

Upside: Seeing as actual archaeology (such as going to digs, sifting through shards found at digs, studying history, etc.) tends to be more of a pastime in this occupation than a requirement, there is all the more time for rollicking adventures. These adventures typically involve shooting at bad dudes,  and generally looking fabulous.

Downside: All those normal archaeologist duties have been replaced by being shot at by bad dudes, pushed into pits by bad dudes, and getting trapped in exploding, recurring time loops by bad dudes. It’s also very difficult to ascertain when your adventures should end peacefully – you never know if your next adventure will be your last, or, even worse, a really terrible follow-up adventure with bad CGI and weird aliens that everyone hates.

Auror.

Upside: High status. Dedication to investigating and fighting the dark arts, and making the world a safer place. Aurors are wizarding detectives. And did I mention magic? I mean, come on, son. Magic. I might even get the chance to teach at Hogwarts.

Downside: The thing about investigating and fighting the dark arts is that it attracts people who are involved in and work the dark arts. The thing about those people is that they kill people. And when they’re not killing people, they’re pretending to be people. And when they’re not doing that, they’re probably trying. And even if I did get a chance to teach at Hogwarts, I have noticed that Hogwarts is probably the worst-regulated school ever. Job security, not to mention plain old safety, is a joke there.

Half-blood.

Upside: Half-bloods (offspring of Greek gods and humans) get to stay the summer in an epic summer camp where they learn to use their hereditary, slightly magical skills, make adorable friends, and go on ill-advised suicide missions. I would get to have exciting adventures with my underage friends and dish out as much inappropriately-timed witty banter as I please. That’s an important factor for me.

Downside: As Percy Jackson himself said, “Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.” He then goes on to describe how he thinks that if I am a Half-blood, I should hide from the truth and live a lie. This is less than inviting. Also, to be a Half-blood, I have to be born a certain way. Experts have discovered, after much study, that arranging my own birth after being born is nearly impossible, outside of spiffy DeLoreans and flux capacitors, and even then I’m gonna have issues. This is probably a no-go.

Radio announcer.

Upside: I would be the source of information for all my listeners. Without me, how would people know to avoid the dog park (seriously, don’t go near the dog park)? How would people know to turn down the television when having private conversations that the secret police are trying to listen in on? Who would remind everyone what a jerk Steve Carlsberg is? I’m a mainstay of my community, and too high-profile for the people in station management to effectively snuff out without causing a fuss.

Downside: The people in station management probably don’t care about making a fuss, but I think I’ve said too much already. 

Run. 

Opera ghost.

Upside:  I can sing on the job. Sing loudly, too. Steady job, if I can be dedicated enough, and my workplace is not only enormous and underground, but lit entirely by apparently waterproof candles. Did I mention that singing on the job is literally a requirement? I can’t stress that enough.

Downside: Office morale is low, what with my underlings trying to hunt me down and kill me and all. Although singing is in the job description, most of my songs are doomed to be melancholy and riddled with emotional scars. Also, my face is riddled with scars (non-emotional). Admittedly, a lot of pain and scarring is involved with this occupation.

There are still far more careers to be had, fellow fiction-lovers. Some of these ones were suggested to me by my lovely readers (Thank you to Kayla and secondchanced), so please, feel free to tell me what other storybook job openings I’ve missed!

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding the job that is the right fit for you. Also, if you land one of these before I do, I would really appreciate it if you put in a good word for me with your employers.

As always, happy hunting!

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How I Almost Went to the Dark Side

12 Jul

Opinions are important.

If you take the time and initiative to form one, it shows that you are thinking, and that is the sign of a healthy mind, and one that is not content to be passive in every issue. I respect that.

By the way: today’s message comes to you from the girl who shouted angry verbal abuse at her email inbox for an inordinate amount of time after receiving a correspondence from someone with a different point of view from hers.

Wait though, before you start judging me, know that she insulted my favorite book.

So, see? It’s hardly an overreaction that I’ve worked up enough hostility to expect Emperor Palpatine to walk through the door any second and invite me to join the Dark Side.

If you’re a book lover, chances are you’ve felt my pain. In fact, if you’ve ever passionately enjoyed any medium of entertainment, you’ve probably felt it.

You’re having a conversation with someone, and everything is going just fine until the topic of literature, music, or television comes up. You ask the person how they feel about a certain novel or band or show, or whatever it is – you make sure to leave out the bit about how much irrational love you have for it. You are testing the waters to see if they share your clearly impeccable taste.

And then they say it. They have an opinion. And heaven forbid – it is not yours.

There are nice ones, who present their bad experience in a less-than-overly-critical way.

And then there are the ones like I read in an email a couple days ago. The ones that are meant to pick apart the subject matter, but instead are received like personal attacks. I read the message and, although the offending individual was only insulting A Wrinkle in Time, I felt as though she were calling my newborn daughter[nonexistent] an ugly, disgusting piece of trash.

In a case like mine, one is left with only three options:

  • Respond with an all-caps email that informs the person that they have a horrific lack of taste and that you hope they “STEP ON A LEGO EVERY DAY FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK”
  • Respond with a kind email that points out the parts of the book that had a profound effect on you and ask whether the person would consider going over them again
  • Stew angrily and not reply at all; avoid eye contact in future run-ins; never mention subject matter again

Guess which one I chose.

No, not the first one, who do you think I am? Wow, guys.

I’m very possessive of the things I love, and in a lot of cases, that’s perfectly fine, even beneficial. But when it comes to something like this, I need to let it go.

Chances are, in my line of interests, this is going to happen to me again, and it will likely happen to you as well. The Sith Lord of fandom-fury will reach out to us again.

“The hate is swelling in you now… Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant.”

When this happens, we need to step back, raise our  light sabers, and say, “No.” No, we will control our anger, not be controlled by it. We will love what we love but not hate others for it not loving it. And, actually, while we’re at it, we should probably invest in light sabers.

Thus ends today’s rant. Let me know if something like this has happened to you before, and whether you dealt with it better than I did.

If you need me, I’ll be re-reading A Wrinkle in Time so I can console her and remind her how beautiful she is.

Control

10 Jun

I’ve read (and seen, regrettably) enough Green Lantern to be fairly certain that the force of will power is strong. However, when facing down a tray of cupcakes after you’ve already had three, will power seems like the most foreign concept since first learning that vampire/human romance is a thing.

Will power and self-control get no attention. The motto of the 21st century as I’ve seen it is “Do what feels good (See also: YOLO),” and while following that advice will lead to good feelings for a period of time, chances are that in the not-so-distant future, you will feel significantly less good about consuming that fourth cupcake.

{I know this.}

For example, I’m trying to learn French right now, but unfortunately, this process requires a little bit more than just the mental capacity to remember that certain words are meant to be feminine and others masculine (Come on, France. They’re just words; there’s no need to assign them genders.). It takes me making the conscious decision to spend a few minutes on French instead of doing any number of the things that I’d rather be doing.

Which is far harder for me than it should be.

So, to be honest? This post is for me, because I need some help with this: not just with French, but with everything else that requires commitment. You can come along too, if you like.

Dear Emory,

Self-control is a God-given fruit of the spirit. that should be good enough for you. Everyone knows that a virtue doesn’t get to that status unless it’s pretty darn wonderful. When you see someone exhibiting self-control, you admire them. They do great things.

Without self-control, self-discipline, and the green force of will power, Madeleine L’engle may have given up after twenty-six publishing attempts, and I would have never read Wrinkle in Time. Walt Disney would not have created his iconic characters, stories, and movies, nor set the stage for the happiest place on earth. The Doctor would not have gone back for Wilfred. Jimmy Coates would be an eleven-year-old murderer. Jason Bourne would be the government’s puppet. Also dead. Phineas and Ferb would spend all day sitting under a tree, Tiana would never have gotten her restaurant, and Darth Vader would still be serving the Chancellor.

“Yeah, um, only two of those people are real.”

Shut up, Brain. What I’m getting at is that the virtues are real.

Self-control: n. The act of denying yourself, controlling your impulses.

No matter how much society tells you to do “what feels good,” you have to remember that your feelings do not make good decisions. If you don’t have self-control, then what are you letting control you?

Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say,

Good luck,

Emory

Real Life

27 May

Last Saturday evening, I watched seventeen homeschool kids graduate from high school.

For me, it was mainly a two hour long reminder that next year, it’s my turn.

And then I have to start thinking about real life.

Be right back, I have to stress-eat myself into a stupor.

I was just talking to Invisible Woman about this, as she is graduating in my year. As we stood in a room crowded with people congratulating our friend who starts college soon, Invisible Woman said, “It seems like, as I get older, the graduates keep getting younger.” Right? I thought it would take forever to get to graduating age. Spoiler alert: It took a lot less time than that.

So let’s get serious. I suppose it’s time now. It’s time to start planning my life.

Whoa, slow down. Not that serious. I’m thinking as far ahead as graduation ceremony speech. Let’s not get carried away, here.

One thing is known about my speech so far (besides the pre-requisite thanking of my enormously spectacular parents and Creator). It must be one of the nerdiest things I’ve ever written. I want it to be subtle enough that non-fangirls and boys will just think that the speech is riddled with oddly-put cliches, but to those in the know – every word a reference. There should be Doctor Who and Lemony Snicket and Disney and Sherlock and F. Scott Fitzgerald and Dr. Horrible and Fawlty Towers and Star Wars. There needs to be random selections spoken in a British accent and others to be pronounced as if I were Will Ferrell. And if I can blackmail one of my friends into completing a quote for me from the audience, I most definitely will.

I want to warn you all. I just might try the speech out on you to see how it goes over.

Graduation day is your last hurrah to your school days before something like real life begins (which I am, in fact, going to try to start planning), is it not? So what is the point in its being superfluously “adult”?

The day may come when I must act like a grown-up, but it is not that day!

That day we fight graduate!

Love from: Hollywood

2 May

I think we can all agree that every story has a moral. Some of them are far more blatant than others, and sometimes you’ll end up analyzing a story so hard that you’re not even certain that the writer meant the moral to exist. But there’s always a message to be conveyed through fiction. Today, I will take a look at some of the lessons I’ve gleaned from television, particularly those about love: how to make sure your relationship is built to last.

This is what I have so far. Feel free to take notes.

If you and your intended despise each other long and hard enough, your love will be that much deeper.

So don’t hold back.

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In fact, take your hatred out on other things around you, too.

Nothing says, “I’m ready for a stable relationship!” like bitterness and malice, ladies!

Now, once you’ve made your enemy, you’re ready to start being nice to each other. However, not too nice.

Don’t kiss someone until you are certain that you won’t regret it.

Because you could regret it quite a bit.

However, kissing and/or other random acts of intimacy may well trick someone into falling in love with you, so it’s worth the risk. 

(See also: nearly every romantic comedy that has ever existed) Try to make it seem like an accident. Trip and fall on top of each other on your way out of a room. Eat spaghetti without proper eating utensils. You’d be surprised at how often this works. Especially if you’re an animal. 

Gentlemen, women can’t resist a man in a mask.

Use whatever excuse you have to. Disfigurement is popular, but being a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist will work as well (infinitely better in some cases). Just use what you have. It’s all in how you work the technique.

And of course, if all else fails, awkward is adorable.

I’m so in love with Mr. Darcy <3I still don’t understand how Elizabeth could have possibly rejected him the first time. One does not simply not accept Mr. Darcy’s hand.

 

Tell her just how uncomfortable she makes you feel by making her feel equally fish-out-of-water-esque.

Take care to do the pained eye-flicking carefully, and then prepare to catch your intended as she swoons. Works every time. Apparently.

Now take a good hard look at you and your newfound lover. Your relationship could not be healthier, nor more unpredictable! Congratulations! Now that you’ve snagged a significant other, don’t skimp on the PDA. Your friends are all just happy you’re happy, so keep it coming!

And now, if you haven’t already, I would like you to read that last paragraph again in a tone so dripping with sarcasm that your face begins to sting.

Good?

Good.

I hope you’ve all benefited from today’s analysis. Love on, my friends!

Trailer Breakdown of Thor: The Dark World

25 Apr

The first trailer for Thor: The Dark World came out this week, so obviously, there have been copious amounts of fangirling going on all over the world. If you already know about this, you’ve probably already watched it. So all that remains is to analyze the trailer, correct?

Excuse me while I do just that. You can enlarge any picture by clicking on it.

First of all: stuff is floating. You all probably noticed that.

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Why are all the vehicles floating? Is this just how the villain rolls?

yep

BEHOLD THE TERRIFYING AUTOMOBILE-FLOTATION POWER OF MALEKITH, MORTALS.

But who’s this? Is this the prodigal love interest?
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Why, yes sir. Welcome back, Jane Foster. I see that your ankles have not changed since your last cinematic appearance.

Cue the incessantly vague shots of Malekith.
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So far all I truly know is that you have an affinity for dark rooms and levitation. I feel like we need to get to know each other a bit more before this movie comes out.

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Oh, and mass destruction. I missed that bit. File that just above levitation.

Enter everyone’s favorite third wheel.

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Welcome back Darcy Lewis! If you don’t tase or flirt with Malekith, I’m going to be very disappointed in you.

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Yes, yes. It wouldn’t be fabulous without this sequence.

BOOM.

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And that, gentlemen, is how you make an entrance.thor_8

He knows you’re impressed, Jane.thor_9

Look at that face. He knows.thor_10

However, that look on Jane’s face, is not exactly a go-ahead face. I hope you’re not about to whisk her away to a rainbow bridge or some-

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Come on, Thor.

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Here’s to spending your summer in anticipation of November!
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The look. We all know it. The Lady Sif does not approve of your shenanigans, Thor, and by shenanigans, I mean Padme Jane.

“KRSSHH”

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It’s nice to be reminded that Midgard isn’t the only horrifyingly disturbed realm.

“If we do nothing, they will destroy us!”

Thor, you’re talking to the actual king of “do nothing,” the man who created a meme with his terrible parenting tactics.thor_15

At least one of his sons didn’t grow up to go insane. That’s all a parent can ask for these days.

Here he comes now. It’s gonna be legen-thor_16

Wait for iiiiiiiit

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Dary! Legendary!

“Ask yourself -“

What? Is that Christopher Eccleston?

“What will you sacrifice for what you believe?”

Yes it is. It’s the Doctor. This is apparently what happens when you travel alone for too long.

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You become Darth Vader.

The Ninth Doctor always seemed a little intense and dark to me, but this is getting a bit far.

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Yes, far too far. Put Padme down, Doctor.

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“You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.”

I can’t be the only one channeling Nick Fury right now. Say, it Thor, say it. Loki threw that one over the plate for you.

“The Doctor has made me very desperate. He might not be glad that he did.”

“You should know that when you betray me, I will kill you.”

No? Just death threats? All right then, I’ll take what I get. Are we going to get to see Loki? Give us Loki! If they don’t let us see Loki in this trailer, I am going to be very, extremely

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What have they DONE