Tag Archives: Thor

For What It’s Worth

29 Oct

I was at work when I noticed what was going down.

MikaylaTuesday was a big day for the studios responsible for your knowledge of Norse mythology. The frankly unsettling amount of Marvel news unleashed yesterday hit the internet like a SHIELD helicarrier into the New York bay, so I feel you are all likely to know what I’m pleased about right now.

However, that’s totally not going to stop me from setting up a quick recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I KNOW RIGHT

In addition to all that jazz, we have a few casting announcements, most notably that of Chadwick Boseman playing the Black Panther and Benedict Cumberbatch coming on board to play Dr. Strange.

Oh, not enough to get you excited? Have some footage of Captain Specimen tearing a log in half while Puny Stark looks on in wonder. 

I get it. You’re feeling greedy. Marvel assumed that would happen, so they’ve gone and gifted us with the a sneak peek of the Age of Ultron dinner party-vengers and their heaps of worthiness.

Of course, we mustn’t forget that said sneak-peek scene was preceded by Agents of SHIELD and their well-written, swift  machete stab to the gut with its latest episode, A Fractured House.

Guh.

(My heart goes out to all you poor souls not out-of-your-mind about these recent developments. We just need to get this out of our systems, and your patience will be greatly appreciated until that moment comes.)

Excelsior, my friends. Excelsior.

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

23 Oct

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

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“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know
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“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvmaou_3

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.aou_4

“For mercy.aou_5

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
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“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.aou_7

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
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“But you don’t want it to change.aou_9

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)aou_10

“You’re all puppets –

whoa
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Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
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Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”aou_13

“Tangled in strings.aou_15

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
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“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

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*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

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Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
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Do you get it? aou_22

Wearing out.
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It’s a clothing pun.aou_25

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
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And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. aou_27

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)aou_28

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)aou_29aou_30

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.
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See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”aou_32

What a glorious, glorious month.aou_33

“It’s the end.aou_34

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.aou_35

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
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“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.aou_37

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!aou_38

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!aou_39

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
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Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
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guhaou_42

GUHaou_43

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*On her way to get her own movie*aou_45

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
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But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.aou_47

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

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Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.aou_50

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.aou_51

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

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#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
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“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,aou_55

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”aou_56

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.aou_57

“Now

AAAAAaou_58

“I’m

AAAAAAAaou_59

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaou_60

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.aou_61

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more carefulaou_62

“There are no strings on me.”aou_63

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
aou_64BRING IT BUDDY.

Time for Some Thrilling Heroics

27 Aug

Heroes stand up for what is right.

They respect themselves.

They respect others.

They respect the law.

They even respect the lawmakers (occasionally).

However, if your personality makes these things less than convenient for you (i.e., you’re a bit of a dirtbag), then there are other options.

At the present time, it is socially acceptable to be a borderline scummy superhero. Many mainstream heroes have given us very comprehensive tutorials for balancing your desire to help others with your desire to sass the entire population of earth.

Take Tony Stark, for example. If you are a young person (preferably a genius) who has a lot to offer, you can easily make sure no one forgets you. And when I say you “have a lot to offer,” I mean that you “have a lot.” That’s right. If you’re filthy stinking rich, the whole ballgame gets a lot more simple (also shown by Batman).

Being rich, entitled, and impervious to good influences also frees you up to feed your diva tendencies. Do something your underlings would expect rich entitled people to do, like build an enormous building with your name on it, or purchase expensive, massive stuffed animals for your loved ones (or loved one, as the case may be).

Admittedly, those ideas are a little overboard, but you catch my drift.

I understand that not everyone is a billionaire, so another hero you can take a cue from is Wolverine. He went from being an irritable assassin with alcohol and authority problems to an irritable X-man with alcohol and authority problems. The only change he really had to make at the beginning of his career was to kill a couple fewer people per day than normal.

If you don’t have the homicidal urges necessary to be a convincing Wolverine, nor the finances to be an Iron Man, you might want to look into the Thing. In this unique bracket, you can be the standard, upstanding hero, with the slight difference that you’re perpetually grumpy, kind of hate everything, and your given dialogue seems to be largely written by a seven-year-old boy with questionable examples of masculinity in his life.

But maybe being a dual dirtbag/superhero is not for you?

If you would rather be a terrible person before you go about your heroics, to get it all out of your system, you’re not alone. Many heroes have done it this way.

Thor Odinson is a good case to look at.

This shining example of a hero very nearly started a war between his kingdom and that of Jotunheim before he realized he was being a moronic egomaniac.

So can you!

You could even pull a Sylar and spend three and a half seasons years giving gory head lacerations to everyone within reach and then suddenly and inexplicably turn into someone you’d invite to your daughter’s baptism.

You have options.

See, In fiction, we do love our damaged superheroes, but as our world is currently non-fiction, we have a surplus of damage and a less-than-optimal amount of superheroes.  What’s up with that?

he·ro

ˈhi(ə)rō

noun
 a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

This description is in no way exclusive to people with psychopathic tendencies, so please don’t be discouraged if you aren’t as much of a jerk as the heroes I’ve listed in this post.

After all, the world needs more heroes, and far, far fewer dirtbags.

Ain’t No Party Like Comic-Con

22 Jul

A little while back, I was mindlessly scrolling through tumblr, when I stumbled upon a strange image.

It was a young man with a bar stool on his head. In one hand, he held a whisk, and in the other, a plunger.

The caption read “My cosplay.”

You know how he looks to normal people?

Crazy.

This dude looks stark raving mad.

But to those of us in the know – well, he still looks stark raving mad, but we know he’s dressing up as the Doctor’s most hated enemy, the Dalek. (Daleks have no concept of elegance)

Now picture this type of person, fully insane and loving it, and multiply it by (give or take) 130,000. Just for kicks, give them all money to burn and take away any semblance of will power they thought they had. Got it? Good. Now put all of them in the same convention center in a little town called San Diego. Hello, Comic-Con.

The 2013 San Diego Comic-Con ended last Sunday after four days of fangirls and fanboys cosplaying, trailer-watching, panel-visiting, line-standing, and a gloriously unhealthy amount of screaming. I did not attend, but I was as present as I could be without utilizing money and gas to be “there” in the physical sense. From my remote location, I learned a few things about this year’s SDCC.

  • At the X-Men: Days of Future Past panel, attendees asked all the right questions: “With the expanding Marvel universe… Is Deadpool possible?”
  • … And got all the wrong answers: “Anything’s possible.

So… no? Just say no. Stop allowing my hopes to exist.

There would have been a Catching Fire trailer breakdown post, but there’s already been one trailer released, and as my breakdown dialogue would have been made up of all-caps declarations of love for this film and its characters, it would have gotten real weird real fast. And my posts are never weird.

  • The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary trailer was shown exclusively to the comic-con audience.
  • Said trailer was then denied internet release for a few weeks. Or months. 

Remember, these are the same people who still haven’t given you season three of Sherlock.

  • Season four of Sherlock was confirmed. 

Cool, guys. I’ll just pencil that in for 2021.

  • Loki of Asgard gate-crashed the Thor: The Dark World panel and raised his army from a seemingly innocent crowd of by-standers.

And every Hiddlestoner there died instantaneously. I’m only kind of exaggerating. Watch the way-too-easy take-over here.

  • The title of Avengers 2 was made public. The year 2015 will see the release of The Avengers: Age of Ultron.

I know what you’re thinking. And by that, I mean, “I know what I was thinking.”

“Yes! Finally, an intro for Henry Pym (Ant-Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellowjacket/The dude who created Ultron) and Janet Van Dyne (Wasp), who, by the way, should have shown up a while ago, but who cares? No one can leave them out of the story now!”

  • Joss Whedon confirmed that Henry Pym would not be part of Ultron’s origin story.

Not cool.

These are just a few highlights from the biggest nerd party in the country. I didn’t attend, and maybe you didn’t either. That’s fine! It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and hey, you can get most of the details on the internet anyway.

We didn’t make it this time. That’s okay.

But let’s not make it a habit.

See you next year, fanpeople.

Trailer Breakdown of Thor: The Dark World

25 Apr

The first trailer for Thor: The Dark World came out this week, so obviously, there have been copious amounts of fangirling going on all over the world. If you already know about this, you’ve probably already watched it. So all that remains is to analyze the trailer, correct?

Excuse me while I do just that. You can enlarge any picture by clicking on it.

First of all: stuff is floating. You all probably noticed that.

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Why are all the vehicles floating? Is this just how the villain rolls?

yep

BEHOLD THE TERRIFYING AUTOMOBILE-FLOTATION POWER OF MALEKITH, MORTALS.

But who’s this? Is this the prodigal love interest?
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Why, yes sir. Welcome back, Jane Foster. I see that your ankles have not changed since your last cinematic appearance.

Cue the incessantly vague shots of Malekith.
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So far all I truly know is that you have an affinity for dark rooms and levitation. I feel like we need to get to know each other a bit more before this movie comes out.

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Oh, and mass destruction. I missed that bit. File that just above levitation.

Enter everyone’s favorite third wheel.

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Welcome back Darcy Lewis! If you don’t tase or flirt with Malekith, I’m going to be very disappointed in you.

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Yes, yes. It wouldn’t be fabulous without this sequence.

BOOM.

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And that, gentlemen, is how you make an entrance.thor_8

He knows you’re impressed, Jane.thor_9

Look at that face. He knows.thor_10

However, that look on Jane’s face, is not exactly a go-ahead face. I hope you’re not about to whisk her away to a rainbow bridge or some-

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Come on, Thor.

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Here’s to spending your summer in anticipation of November!
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The look. We all know it. The Lady Sif does not approve of your shenanigans, Thor, and by shenanigans, I mean Padme Jane.

“KRSSHH”

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It’s nice to be reminded that Midgard isn’t the only horrifyingly disturbed realm.

“If we do nothing, they will destroy us!”

Thor, you’re talking to the actual king of “do nothing,” the man who created a meme with his terrible parenting tactics.thor_15

At least one of his sons didn’t grow up to go insane. That’s all a parent can ask for these days.

Here he comes now. It’s gonna be legen-thor_16

Wait for iiiiiiiit

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Dary! Legendary!

“Ask yourself -“

What? Is that Christopher Eccleston?

“What will you sacrifice for what you believe?”

Yes it is. It’s the Doctor. This is apparently what happens when you travel alone for too long.

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You become Darth Vader.

The Ninth Doctor always seemed a little intense and dark to me, but this is getting a bit far.

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Yes, far too far. Put Padme down, Doctor.

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“You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.”

I can’t be the only one channeling Nick Fury right now. Say, it Thor, say it. Loki threw that one over the plate for you.

“The Doctor has made me very desperate. He might not be glad that he did.”

“You should know that when you betray me, I will kill you.”

No? Just death threats? All right then, I’ll take what I get. Are we going to get to see Loki? Give us Loki! If they don’t let us see Loki in this trailer, I am going to be very, extremely

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What have they DONE