Trailer Breakdown for X-Men: Days of Future Past

First off: this is more new trailers per month than my tiny heart is equipped to handle.

On that note, welcome to yet another film flying the Marvel flag – X-Men: Days of Future Past.  I am stoked. Be stoked with me. The official trailer is here, (watch it as many times as you need to) but the rest of the (admittedly low-key and internet-based) party is right here, so come back around when you’re finished.

[Sad music begins]

[Sad music continues, oddly out of place for such a joyous sequence]

Charles Xavier voiceover:

“What’s the last thing you remember?

Wolverine’s face, mostly.

Aw, lovely Storm, so good to see you again!

I had a glimpse into the past.”

That ain’t the past, friend. I would remember that facial hair. Congratulations, by the way, Iceman, you no longer look twelve, and we all really appreciate it.

Especially Kitty. Kitty really appreciates it.

And don’t worry, I sure Rogue appreciates from a distance.

“You’re going to have to do for me what I once did for you.”

“You need me as well.”

Said the guy we last saw mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

Bishop!

Sunspot!

Warpath?

Blink?!

You guys, the thing I normally complain about after I see a Marvel movie is that they left out a lot of characters.

…

I guess this time I’ll just complain about how sad the music made me.

“Side by side to end this war – before it ever begins.”

“So, I wake up in my younger body and then what?”

You say that like you haven’t been thirty-four for the past hundred years. If anyone can handle waking up in a younger body, it’s you.

“Find me. convince me all this.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – In which Charles Xavier dresses up like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. (In case you needed extra incentive to watch this movie)

“It’s going to take the two of us.”

Said the guy last seen mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

“And where do I find you?”

“A different past. A darker past.”

Katniss crying makes me want to cry. Mystique! Mystique crying. Okay, that doesn’t really make me want to cry.

The music does, though.

“Logan, I was a very different man.

Mm, yeah, you were a young Scottish heartthrob with salon-quality hair. Or are you referring to that time you mind-forced people into doing things for you? 

Lead me.

Guide me.

You’re talking to Wolverine, bub.

Be patient with me.”

Again: Wolverine.

“Patience isn’t my strongest suit.”

See?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

(Marvel’s favorite color seems to be tesseract blue, in case you were wondering.)

Explosions!

Flotation!

Riots where people are wearing some dang fabulous attire!

The President of the united States!

Okay, you got me. This entire “breakdown” thing has just been a front – this is actually an appreciation post for the face of the hefty man on the left. I want a sequel about this guy. We could call it “Hired Gun” and it would be an entirely different genre.

And they’d probably have less depressing music, too.

Oh, there we go. Shirtless, shot-almost-to-death Hugh Jackman, or it isn’t an X-Man movie.

Dang, Xavier, you’re hard work young.

I don’t actually know what’s happening in this scene, but if the music’s any indication, it’s heartbreaking.

In which Rogue finally comes around to appreciate Iceman’s facial hair up close. Also, gets dragged away to safety. Multitasking is a great skill to have.

 Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this all-human crowd at all.

Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this entirely freaking-the-heck-out crowd at all.

Drowning Magneto. That should convince the humans that you aren’t violent!

I feel safer already!

TRASK YOU COTTON-HEADED NINNY MUGGINS NO ONE LIKES YOU GO HOME

You can stay, Storm. Your hair looks exciting.

“I don’t want your suffering!

Dang son, Blink did really well in the transition from comic to movie. Of course, an explosion never really hurts.

I don’t want your future!”

What, you don’t want to lose your hair? I don’t blame you.

More shirtless Wolverine for those of you who were getting bored. The X-Men franchise must have some sort of trademark on the screaming-in-pain face by now, right?

I’m sorry, but I can’t get a slip ‘n’ slide image out of my mind.

Okay, Magneto is pulling her towards him, sure, but, as far as I can tell, she isn’t exactly wearing any metal zippers on her clothes…

Did he get more attractive? Not cool. Not cool at all. This goes against everything I know.

… In which Xavier and Magneto act like teenage girls angry at their parents.

[Meanwhile, mournful music build to mournful climax]

silence

“Please. We need you to hope again.”

GUUUUYS

That was just kind of REALLY GOOD
That’s soon! Right? Someone tell me that’s soon.

Please.

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Time for Some Thrilling Heroics

Heroes stand up for what is right.

They respect themselves.

They respect others.

They respect the law.

They even respect the lawmakers (occasionally).

However, if your personality makes these things less than convenient for you (i.e., you’re a bit of a dirtbag), then there are other options.

At the present time, it is socially acceptable to be a borderline scummy superhero. Many mainstream heroes have given us very comprehensive tutorials for balancing your desire to help others with your desire to sass the entire population of earth.

Take Tony Stark, for example. If you are a young person (preferably a genius) who has a lot to offer, you can easily make sure no one forgets you. And when I say you “have a lot to offer,” I mean that you “have a lot.” That’s right. If you’re filthy stinking rich, the whole ballgame gets a lot more simple (also shown by Batman).

Being rich, entitled, and impervious to good influences also frees you up to feed your diva tendencies. Do something your underlings would expect rich entitled people to do, like build an enormous building with your name on it, or purchase expensive, massive stuffed animals for your loved ones (or loved one, as the case may be).

Admittedly, those ideas are a little overboard, but you catch my drift.

I understand that not everyone is a billionaire, so another hero you can take a cue from is Wolverine. He went from being an irritable assassin with alcohol and authority problems to an irritable X-man with alcohol and authority problems. The only change he really had to make at the beginning of his career was to kill a couple fewer people per day than normal.

If you don’t have the homicidal urges necessary to be a convincing Wolverine, nor the finances to be an Iron Man, you might want to look into the Thing. In this unique bracket, you can be the standard, upstanding hero, with the slight difference that you’re perpetually grumpy, kind of hate everything, and your given dialogue seems to be largely written by a seven-year-old boy with questionable examples of masculinity in his life.

But maybe being a dual dirtbag/superhero is not for you?

If you would rather be a terrible person before you go about your heroics, to get it all out of your system, you’re not alone. Many heroes have done it this way.

Thor Odinson is a good case to look at.

This shining example of a hero very nearly started a war between his kingdom and that of Jotunheim before he realized he was being a moronic egomaniac.

So can you!

You could even pull a Sylar and spend three and a half seasons years giving gory head lacerations to everyone within reach and then suddenly and inexplicably turn into someone you’d invite to your daughter’s baptism.

You have options.

See, In fiction, we do love our damaged superheroes, but as our world is currently non-fiction, we have a surplus of damage and a less-than-optimal amount of superheroes.  What’s up with that?

he·ro

ˈhi(ə)rō

noun

 a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

This description is in no way exclusive to people with psychopathic tendencies, so please don’t be discouraged if you aren’t as much of a jerk as the heroes I’ve listed in this post.

After all, the world needs more heroes, and far, far fewer dirtbags.