Tag Archives: X-Men

Trailer Breakdown for X-Men: Days of Future Past

29 Oct

First off: this is more new trailers per month than my tiny heart is equipped to handle.

On that note, welcome to yet another film flying the Marvel flag – X-Men: Days of Future Past.  I am stoked. Be stoked with me. The official trailer is here, (watch it as many times as you need to) but the rest of the (admittedly low-key and internet-based) party is right here, so come back around when you’re finished.
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[Sad music begins]x_2

[Sad music continues, oddly out of place for such a joyous sequence]x_3

Charles Xavier voiceover:

“What’s the last thing you remember?x_4

Wolverine’s face, mostly.x_5

Aw, lovely Storm, so good to see you again!x_6

I had a glimpse into the past.”x_7

That ain’t the past, friend. I would remember that facial hair. Congratulations, by the way, Iceman, you no longer look twelve, and we all really appreciate it.x_8

Especially Kitty. Kitty really appreciates it.x_9

And don’t worry, I sure Rogue appreciates from a distance.

x_10

“You’re going to have to do for me what I once did for you.”x_11

“You need me as well.”

Said the guy we last saw mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.x_12

Bishop!
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Sunspot!
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Warpath?x_15

Blink?!

You guys, the thing I normally complain about after I see a Marvel movie is that they left out a lot of characters.

I guess this time I’ll just complain about how sad the music made me.
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“Side by side to end this war – before it ever begins.”
x_17 x_18

“So, I wake up in my younger body and then what?”

You say that like you haven’t been thirty-four for the past hundred years. If anyone can handle waking up in a younger body, it’s you.x_19

“Find me. convince me all this.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – In which Charles Xavier dresses up like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. (In case you needed extra incentive to watch this movie)
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“It’s going to take the two of us.”

Said the guy last seen mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

“And where do I find you?”

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“A different past. A darker past.”x_22

Katniss crying makes me want to cry. Mystique! Mystique crying. Okay, that doesn’t really make me want to cry.

The music does, though.x_23

“Logan, I was a very different man.

Mm, yeah, you were a young Scottish heartthrob with salon-quality hair. Or are you referring to that time you mind-forced people into doing things for you? x_24

Lead me.
x_25

Guide me.

You’re talking to Wolverine, bub.
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Be patient with me.”

Again: Wolverine.
x_27

“Patience isn’t my strongest suit.”

See?x_28

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

(Marvel’s favorite color seems to be tesseract blue, in case you were wondering.)

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Explosions!x_30

Flotation!x_31

Riots where people are wearing some dang fabulous attire!x_32

The President of the united States!x_33

Okay, you got me. This entire “breakdown” thing has just been a front – this is actually an appreciation post for the face of the hefty man on the left. I want a sequel about this guy. We could call it “Hired Gun” and it would be an entirely different genre.

And they’d probably have less depressing music, too.
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Oh, there we go. Shirtless, shot-almost-to-death Hugh Jackman, or it isn’t an X-Man movie.x_35

Dang, Xavier, you’re hard work young.
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I don’t actually know what’s happening in this scene, but if the music’s any indication, it’s heartbreaking.x_37

In which Rogue finally comes around to appreciate Iceman’s facial hair up close. Also, gets dragged away to safety. Multitasking is a great skill to have.
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 Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this all-human crowd at all.
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Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this entirely freaking-the-heck-out crowd at all.x_41

Drowning Magneto. That should convince the humans that you aren’t violent!
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I feel safer already!x_43

TRASK YOU COTTON-HEADED NINNY MUGGINS NO ONE LIKES YOU GO HOMEx_44

You can stay, Storm. Your hair looks exciting.x_45

“I don’t want your suffering!

Dang son, Blink did really well in the transition from comic to movie. Of course, an explosion never really hurts.
x_46

I don’t want your future!”

What, you don’t want to lose your hair? I don’t blame you.x_47

More shirtless Wolverine for those of you who were getting bored. The X-Men franchise must have some sort of trademark on the screaming-in-pain face by now, right?
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I’m sorry, but I can’t get a slip ‘n’ slide image out of my mind.x_49

Okay, Magneto is pulling her towards him, sure, but, as far as I can tell, she isn’t exactly wearing any metal zippers on her clothes…x_50

Did he get more attractive? Not cool. Not cool at all. This goes against everything I know.x_51

x_52

… In which Xavier and Magneto act like teenage girls angry at their parents.

[Meanwhile, mournful music build to mournful climax]

black

silencex_54

“Please. We need you to hope again.”x_55

GUUUUYS

That was just kind of REALLY GOOD
x_56That’s soon! Right? Someone tell me that’s soon.

Please.

Time for Some Thrilling Heroics

27 Aug

Heroes stand up for what is right.

They respect themselves.

They respect others.

They respect the law.

They even respect the lawmakers (occasionally).

However, if your personality makes these things less than convenient for you (i.e., you’re a bit of a dirtbag), then there are other options.

At the present time, it is socially acceptable to be a borderline scummy superhero. Many mainstream heroes have given us very comprehensive tutorials for balancing your desire to help others with your desire to sass the entire population of earth.

Take Tony Stark, for example. If you are a young person (preferably a genius) who has a lot to offer, you can easily make sure no one forgets you. And when I say you “have a lot to offer,” I mean that you “have a lot.” That’s right. If you’re filthy stinking rich, the whole ballgame gets a lot more simple (also shown by Batman).

Being rich, entitled, and impervious to good influences also frees you up to feed your diva tendencies. Do something your underlings would expect rich entitled people to do, like build an enormous building with your name on it, or purchase expensive, massive stuffed animals for your loved ones (or loved one, as the case may be).

Admittedly, those ideas are a little overboard, but you catch my drift.

I understand that not everyone is a billionaire, so another hero you can take a cue from is Wolverine. He went from being an irritable assassin with alcohol and authority problems to an irritable X-man with alcohol and authority problems. The only change he really had to make at the beginning of his career was to kill a couple fewer people per day than normal.

If you don’t have the homicidal urges necessary to be a convincing Wolverine, nor the finances to be an Iron Man, you might want to look into the Thing. In this unique bracket, you can be the standard, upstanding hero, with the slight difference that you’re perpetually grumpy, kind of hate everything, and your given dialogue seems to be largely written by a seven-year-old boy with questionable examples of masculinity in his life.

But maybe being a dual dirtbag/superhero is not for you?

If you would rather be a terrible person before you go about your heroics, to get it all out of your system, you’re not alone. Many heroes have done it this way.

Thor Odinson is a good case to look at.

This shining example of a hero very nearly started a war between his kingdom and that of Jotunheim before he realized he was being a moronic egomaniac.

So can you!

You could even pull a Sylar and spend three and a half seasons years giving gory head lacerations to everyone within reach and then suddenly and inexplicably turn into someone you’d invite to your daughter’s baptism.

You have options.

See, In fiction, we do love our damaged superheroes, but as our world is currently non-fiction, we have a surplus of damage and a less-than-optimal amount of superheroes.  What’s up with that?

he·ro

ˈhi(ə)rō

noun
 a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

This description is in no way exclusive to people with psychopathic tendencies, so please don’t be discouraged if you aren’t as much of a jerk as the heroes I’ve listed in this post.

After all, the world needs more heroes, and far, far fewer dirtbags.

The Daredevil Dark Knight

23 Aug

In every season of BBC’s Doctor who, there are a few monsters who are, put mildly, no one’s favorite. Among them are the face-absorbing Jabba-the-Hut guy, the green nudists with flatulence issues, and the pig slaves. Yes, pig slaves. 

Don’t ask.

In my case, these, and a couple of the other aliens, were viewed and then subsequently pushed into the dark corner of my brain that never sees the light of day. However, I recently received news that brought one of them out to the front of my mind.

Anybody remember this guy?

This is a Reaper. Reapers exist out of time, and when there is a disturbance in time, like a paradox, a Reaper may appear and try to fix the time disturbance by attacking and eating every living thing in sight.

And it looks like a pokemon. But we’re not going there.

Why am I reminded of this particular monster today? Some of the biggest news to come out of this year’s San Diego Comic-Con was the Batman/Superman team-up movie. Henry Cavill, who played Superman in the recently-released Man of Steel, has been cast as Superman in this film. However, it is common knowledge that Christian Bale, the only Batman that everyone can agree on, is not interested in playing the caped crusader again. Zack Snyder, the movie’s director, would have to cast someone to play Christian Bale playing Batman.

This brings us to now. Ladies and gentlemen, Snyder has announced that Ben Affleck (Also known as Marvel’s Daredevil) will be playing Christian Bale Batman. And not just Batman – a new Batman. A reboot Batman. A re-invented Batman for the generation that has already seen a re-invented Batman.

And just like that, the DC cinematic timeline fumbled around ungracefully and fell over with a thud.

And then the Reapers came and devoured every living thing in sight.

Now, I know that this sounds like a complaint, but I’m not complaining. In fact, I am delighted.

Do you guys realize what this means?

DC’s timeline is finally almost as screwed up as Marvel’s! The myriad inconsistencies in the X-Men films (she said, tip-toeing around the Spider-man issue) still outweigh this little double-Dark Knight debacle, but I’m sure this is just the beginning. No franchise is truly safe.

You get a paradox, you get a paradox, and you, and you!

But anyway, I think Ben Affleck is a good actor and will play a superb Batman (even if he doesn’t turn out to be the “the only Batman that everyone can agree on”). I just hope he, Superman, and all the DC fanboys and girls will be able to hold their own against the Reapers: winged, paradox-consuming abominations of the CGI industry.

I mean, last time, it took a Time Lord.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 2

25 Jul

In Part 1 of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined, I discussed how important it is to begin thinking about what you will do with your life one day. The fictional world is full of career opportunities, and in the interest of deciding which one is best for us, I have extended the job search.

Let’s begin.

Disney Princess.

Upside: Do I have to explain the upsides of being a Disney princess? I can talk to animals, have spectacular hair, my wardrobe is superb, I can sing in public and not get weird looks, and handsome prince is often involved at some point.

Downside: My father apparently has terrible judgment when it comes to spouses. I, for one, would like to know how he went from marrying my mother, who was allegedly a perfect angel, to marrying an evil sorceress who murdered him shortly after the wedding. Come on, Dad. I’m sure there were signs. And if step-mothers are not an issue in my story, then there’s always some conflict, whether it be my social standing, my prince thinking I’m a dude, or how trapped in a tower I am.

Psychic Detective

Upside: So. many. snacks. Additionally, I am expected to do the finger-waving to make my psychic powers more convincing, and I can’t tell you how happy I would be to get paid for doing that. My job description? To catch killers, have adventures, flirt with clients, and work with my best friend. You know that’s right.

Downside: I literally lie for a living. This could get old after a while. I would be a considerable target for serial killers, and, if I’m being totally honest with myself, I would gain thirty pounds in the first week if I were allowed to have so many snack breaks.

X-Man

Upside: Mutant powers and world-saving – nuff said.

Downside: X-Men probably catch more drama than any other super-powered individual in the Marvel multiverse. Not only does every non-mutant person hate my guts, but somehow, by the end of the school year at Xavier’s, every student has about three ex-significant others. Not to mention, the chances of being driven insane and altering reality or destroying a planet are frighteningly high.

Maze Runner

Upside: Most prestigious position in the community. A Maze Runner gets exercise, respect, and the knowledge that he may one day solve the maze, free the Gladers, and maybe get some answers.

Downside: That “knowledge” I mentioned above is a bit closer to wishful thinking than a state of knowing. And I’d have to watch out for Grievers, the most terrifyingly confusing creature known to YA literature. Not cool. It’s also worth mentioning that if I run for longer than seventy-four seconds, my own body starts trying to murder me.

Gamemaker

Upside: Fabulous dress code. I could smother myself in gold powder, and not one person could question me. I could stick stickers on my face and not one person would question me. I could stitch an outfit together out of teddy bears and hand grenades and no one would question me.

Downside: The whole sending-23-kids-off-to-certain-death thing is a bit of an issue for me.

Doctor

       Wait, a doctor or the Doctor?

The Doctor.

       Of course.

Upside: Traveling through all of time and space, making friends, and saving galaxies – I could get used to this. The company vehicle has its own personality, and knows where I should go before even I do. I have no living co-workers, so no one can cramp my style. My style, by the way, would love to include wearing a vegetable or a fez.

Downside: Time is in flux, I know, but I’m sure I would still find a way to totally mess it up. I’m not a tidy crier, and I’m pretty sure I have to cry at least once a day in this occupation. The pressure of saving the universe is an intense one, and I for one would not like to see the universe under my protection. Did I mention that I have no living co-workers? Yes? Well, did I mention that that’s because I killed them?

Once again, I believe there are more fictional occupations that I missed, so feel free to give me some more ideas! And remember, when deciding which career path is best for you, be sure to factor in whether you have the right temperament, goals, and/or species to properly complement the job.

Happy hunting!

Ain’t No Party Like Comic-Con

22 Jul

A little while back, I was mindlessly scrolling through tumblr, when I stumbled upon a strange image.

It was a young man with a bar stool on his head. In one hand, he held a whisk, and in the other, a plunger.

The caption read “My cosplay.”

You know how he looks to normal people?

Crazy.

This dude looks stark raving mad.

But to those of us in the know – well, he still looks stark raving mad, but we know he’s dressing up as the Doctor’s most hated enemy, the Dalek. (Daleks have no concept of elegance)

Now picture this type of person, fully insane and loving it, and multiply it by (give or take) 130,000. Just for kicks, give them all money to burn and take away any semblance of will power they thought they had. Got it? Good. Now put all of them in the same convention center in a little town called San Diego. Hello, Comic-Con.

The 2013 San Diego Comic-Con ended last Sunday after four days of fangirls and fanboys cosplaying, trailer-watching, panel-visiting, line-standing, and a gloriously unhealthy amount of screaming. I did not attend, but I was as present as I could be without utilizing money and gas to be “there” in the physical sense. From my remote location, I learned a few things about this year’s SDCC.

  • At the X-Men: Days of Future Past panel, attendees asked all the right questions: “With the expanding Marvel universe… Is Deadpool possible?”
  • … And got all the wrong answers: “Anything’s possible.

So… no? Just say no. Stop allowing my hopes to exist.

There would have been a Catching Fire trailer breakdown post, but there’s already been one trailer released, and as my breakdown dialogue would have been made up of all-caps declarations of love for this film and its characters, it would have gotten real weird real fast. And my posts are never weird.

  • The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary trailer was shown exclusively to the comic-con audience.
  • Said trailer was then denied internet release for a few weeks. Or months. 

Remember, these are the same people who still haven’t given you season three of Sherlock.

  • Season four of Sherlock was confirmed. 

Cool, guys. I’ll just pencil that in for 2021.

  • Loki of Asgard gate-crashed the Thor: The Dark World panel and raised his army from a seemingly innocent crowd of by-standers.

And every Hiddlestoner there died instantaneously. I’m only kind of exaggerating. Watch the way-too-easy take-over here.

  • The title of Avengers 2 was made public. The year 2015 will see the release of The Avengers: Age of Ultron.

I know what you’re thinking. And by that, I mean, “I know what I was thinking.”

“Yes! Finally, an intro for Henry Pym (Ant-Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellowjacket/The dude who created Ultron) and Janet Van Dyne (Wasp), who, by the way, should have shown up a while ago, but who cares? No one can leave them out of the story now!”

  • Joss Whedon confirmed that Henry Pym would not be part of Ultron’s origin story.

Not cool.

These are just a few highlights from the biggest nerd party in the country. I didn’t attend, and maybe you didn’t either. That’s fine! It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and hey, you can get most of the details on the internet anyway.

We didn’t make it this time. That’s okay.

But let’s not make it a habit.

See you next year, fanpeople.

Trailer Breakdown of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

12 Jun

Last December, the first part of The Hobbit hit theaters, and minds everywhere exploded. Mainly due to the fact that they would have to wait a year for the next one. Well, friends? The wait is over.

Well, not over. In fact, the preview is finally out, so that might make the wait harder. But, hey, here’s to six more months! If you have not seen it yet, you can watch the official teaser for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug here. For everyone else, let’s talk about this trailer.

Hob_1

Paramount Pic – Wait, no, this is a shot from the film. Forget I said anything.

“Where does your journey end?”

Hob_2

“You seek that which would bestow upon you the right to rule.”

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“The quest to restore a homeland and slay a dragon.”

Hob_5

You know that’s right. Is it just me, or does Thorin look a little less glamorous than the internet made him out to be last December? Six months of hiatus will do that to a character. Also, fighting Orcs and living in caves. Hair is probably the least of his worries. He and Loki should meet up and talk it out.

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The barrel scene!
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The treetop scene!

Hob_8

The barrel scene!
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Tarzan-esque Elves scene?
Hob_10

(That’s beyond our borders. You must never go there, Simba.)

Hob_11

An Elf draws his bow. It’s really time for this Elf/Dwarf hostility to end. It’s getting us no –

Hob_12

“Do not think I won’t kill you, Dwarf.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Hob_13

Massive demon bear?Hob_14

Chill out everyone, the Hobbit has a toothpick sword.
Hob_15

Arwen! You’re looking fabulously intense, as usual. **UPDATE: Nope. False alarm, it’s a brand-new Elf chick. This is not the Elf you’re looking for, move along.
Hob_16

“It is not our fight.”

“It is our fight.”

Well, that settles that. Good talk, guys.

Hob_17

Treat yourself to this shot of Bilbo sliding down a hill of gold coins, Scrooge McDuck style.Hob_18

“What if it’s a trap?”

“It’s undoubtedly a trap.”

It gives me great joy to see Magneto and the Seventh Doctor talking things over.

What? This movie is a LOTR/X-Men/Sherlock/Doctor Who crossover, isn’t it?

Hob_19

That’s a quality word. They should put it in the title.
Hob_20

“Such is the nature of evil. In time, all foul things come forth.”

Hob_21

Oh, good, everyone’s least favorite subplot character! Hob_22

 Yes. All my yes. This scene, right here, this is going to be epic.

Hob_23

Care to expound?
Hob_24

“If you awaken that beast,”

Hob_25

“You will destroy us all.”

… Will Turner? Who’s manning the Flying Dutchman?
Hob_26

Hob_27Hob_28Hob_29Hob_30

“I wonder if this movie’s going to be shot in 3D?”

~No one ever
Hob_31

“Was that an earthquake?”

“That, my lad,”

Hob_32

Yeah, take your sweet time turning around, Balin. It’s not like any of us are in mortal danger.
Hob_33

“Was a dragon.”

Hob_34

December 13th, 2013. Hob_35

Come on, Sherlock Smaug, John Bilbo has a lot more reason to be cross with you than you with him. He just wants to be your friend.Hob_36“I don’t have ‘friends.'”