Happy Sunday! This trailer came out last week, but I only watched it this morning, so as far as I’m concerned, the announcement has begun anew. I’ve only recently become a devoted enthusiast of Everything-Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost, so this preview has come to me right in the middle of the honeymoon phase. I’m loving it.
Join me! Take a look yourself by clicking here for the official trailer, then come back here for a much, much closer look at Slaughterhouse Rulez.
We open on a large and unnecessarily pretentious school somewhere in England. Let’s see if anything, anything at all, bears a resemblance to some other serialized story that many of us have seen twelve years of trailers for.
“Did you get my note about the no-go areas?”
An authoritative school official wearing an anachronistic robe. Okay, okay.
“Um,”
I have to say, when the first shot of the plucky young heroes is of them screaming and running, my interest always goes up about 23%. It’s something to do with Psych, I think.
“I cannot have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night.”
So, students in distinctly-colored ties are sneaking out of their high school dorms in the middle of the night to be terrified of various things in the forest. These nods are getting pretty Blues-Clues-level in difficulty, right?
Terrorism Response Level: Heightened
“These things always end up in a bloody mess.”
“Welcome, all, to Slaughterhouse!”
Anyway. I think we all know. The first class of Murder Hogwarts is in session. Though to be fair, with the injury rate of regular Hogwarts, the “Murder” bit might be redundant.
I love the emotions on display in our first clear view of the main characters. I was stoked to see Asa Butterfield was in this movie, and honestly? I can think of no better pupil for Murder Hogwarts than Ender Wiggins. That’s my bOY right there
“This is the school pecking order: at the top, we have the Bat.”
And they have… bats? If this is how names are assigned, I want to be called the leather satchel
“In the middle, Clemsie Lawrence.”
Okay, so it’s clearly not the only criteria for the name. Unless this chick has a smaller girl named Clemsie she carries around all the time. Which would be rad.
“Watch where you’re looking.”
Do you guys remember that part in A Very Potter Musical where Draco just rolls around on the ground for like twenty minutes? If they don’t keep that part in, I swear I’ll
“And then, down at the bottom, Whitton.”
“Who’s Whitton?”
“That’s Whitton.”
“Hello.”
Everyone out of the way. I’m taking care of Whitton now.
And in case you thought I missed an opportunity, I’m not going to say he “must be a Weasley” because, quite frankly, it’s 2018. We can’t keep doing this.
“I’m afraid Mr. Prague will be unable to teach today, or ever again. He died here. Alone.
Anyway!”
Oh my gosh I love this. And anyway, the turnover rate at this school means that Simon Pegg’s character should make principal by the end of the term, so why shouldn’t he be smiling?
“There’s something in the woods!”
Everything’s in the woods. Have you ever seen the woods? What about Dateline? Have you ever seen Dateline? Don’t go in the woods
Look. Here’s my idea. Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Mr. Prague, grab Whitton, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
“What the devil…”
Putting characters on the wrong side of caution tape is the sixth love language that only film directors have.
“That hole… It’s a gateway.
Is that one of those “Anonymous” masks?
And it leads straight… down…
I think it is. He’s like an edgy twitter avatar.
To hell.
Next he’s gonna tell us capitalism is a prison.
Now! Who wants to buy some drugs?”
Nick Frost is a star and I love him
That’s in two months, by the way, who wants to carve pumpkins with me, please,
“They just ate half the upper sixth!”
Our second shot of the monster is such a classic shadow shot that I’m almost led to ignore the sticks holding up its lower jaws.
Course, I don’t think anything is holding up this guy’s jaws at all.
Did you guys like that joke? I didn’t even plan it! It just spilled out! I am so happy it ended up that way with the shots I included that I barely care that it was a very dumb and sort-of-obvious joke! What an absolute pleasure!
“Now we can blow shit up?”
Whitton!
“Language, Whitton!”
Thank you, Simon! He’s like two years old! Careful what he’s exposed to!
ah
I! Love! This!
“Children! Save yourselves!”
I!! Hate!! This!!
“To the Skoda!”
Yes… that will… save you… If you don’t friggin blow a tire pulling out of the driveway…
such quality vehicles… love em…
“Hurry!”
“I’m going as fast as I can! You’re making me nervous!”
(Roaring)
(Screaming)
“Seatbelts, everyone.”
“Stop worrying! What are they gonna do, eat you alive?”
Hot take: Parents trying to be reassuring are the harbinger of every high school horror scenario.
More shadow play. I’m here for it.
“Delicious.”
Right?
I’m really excited for this movie. Movies that come out around Halloween are almost always designed to be the Worst Movies for Me to Watch, and maybe that’s why this seems like such a delight to me. On the other hand, I might just not be over how good Shaun of the Dead was. It started out as a satire of a zombie movie and ended up being the best and final word on zombie movies (Don’t @ me). I know this is a different movie, a different director, not to mention a different decade, but this trailer made me happy and I am 100% sure that that’s what a good movie trailer is supposed to do.
Happy Halloween everyone, you’ll find me eating candy corn out of a cereal bowl with a spoon tonight.
Just {Blank} To Be Here 
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