Trailer Breakdown for Slaughterhouse Rulez

Happy Sunday! This trailer came out last week, but I only watched it this morning, so as far as I’m concerned, the announcement has begun anew. I’ve only recently become a devoted enthusiast of Everything-Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost, so this preview has come to me right in the middle of the honeymoon phase. I’m loving it.

Join me! Take a look yourself by clicking here for the official trailer, then come back here for a much, much closer look at Slaughterhouse Rulez.

We open on a large and unnecessarily pretentious school somewhere in England. Let’s see if anything, anything at all, bears a resemblance to some other serialized story that many of us have seen twelve years of trailers for.

“Did you get my note about the no-go areas?”

An authoritative school  official wearing an anachronistic robe. Okay, okay.

“Um,”

I have to say, when the first shot of the plucky young heroes is of them screaming and running, my interest always goes up about 23%. It’s something to do with Psych, I think.

“I cannot have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night.”

So, students in distinctly-colored ties are sneaking out of their high school dorms in the middle of the night to be terrified of various things in the forest. These nods are getting pretty Blues-Clues-level in difficulty, right?

Terrorism Response Level: Heightened

“These things always end up in a bloody mess.”

“Welcome, all, to Slaughterhouse!”

Anyway. I think we all know. The first class of Murder Hogwarts is in session. Though to be fair, with the injury rate of regular Hogwarts, the “Murder” bit might be redundant.

I love the emotions on display in our first clear view of the main characters. I was stoked to see Asa Butterfield was in this movie, and honestly? I can think of no better pupil for Murder Hogwarts than Ender Wiggins. That’s my bOY right there

“This is the school pecking order: at the top, we have the Bat.”

And they have… bats? If this is how names are assigned, I want to be called the leather satchel

“In the middle, Clemsie Lawrence.”

Okay, so it’s clearly not the only criteria for the name. Unless this chick has a smaller girl named Clemsie she carries around all the time. Which would be rad.

“Watch where you’re looking.”

Do you guys remember that part in A Very Potter Musical where Draco just rolls around on the ground for like twenty minutes? If they don’t keep that part in, I swear I’ll

“And then, down at the bottom, Whitton.”

“Who’s Whitton?”

“That’s Whitton.”

“Hello.”

Everyone out of the way. I’m taking care of Whitton now.

And in case you thought I missed an opportunity, I’m not going to say he “must be a Weasley” because, quite frankly, it’s 2018. We can’t keep doing this.

“I’m afraid Mr. Prague will be unable to teach today, or ever again. He died here. Alone.

Anyway!”

Oh my gosh I love this. And anyway, the turnover rate at this school means that Simon Pegg’s character should make principal by the end of the term, so why shouldn’t he be smiling?

“There’s something in the woods!”

Everything’s in the woods. Have you ever seen the woods? What about Dateline? Have you ever seen Dateline? Don’t go in the woods

Look. Here’s my idea. Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Mr. Prague, grab Whitton, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

“What the devil…”

Putting characters on the wrong side of caution tape is the sixth love language that only film directors have.

“That hole… It’s a gateway.

Is that one of those “Anonymous” masks?

And it leads straight… down…

I think it is. He’s like an edgy twitter avatar.

To hell.

Next he’s gonna tell us capitalism is a prison.

Now! Who wants to buy some drugs?”

Nick Frost is a star and I love him

That’s in two months, by the way, who wants to carve pumpkins with me, please,

“They just ate half the upper sixth!”

Our second shot of the monster is such a classic shadow shot that I’m almost led to ignore the sticks holding up its lower jaws.

Course, I don’t think anything is holding up this guy’s jaws at all.

Did you guys like that joke? I didn’t even plan it! It just spilled out! I am so happy it ended up that way with the shots I included that I barely care that it was a very dumb and sort-of-obvious joke! What an absolute pleasure!

“Now we can blow shit up?”

Whitton!

“Language, Whitton!”

Thank you, Simon! He’s like two years old! Careful what he’s exposed to!

ah

I! Love! This!

“Children! Save yourselves!”

I!! Hate!! This!!

“To the Skoda!”

Yes… that will… save you… If you don’t friggin blow a tire pulling out of the driveway…

such quality vehicles… love em…

“Hurry!”

“I’m going as fast as I can! You’re making me nervous!”

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

“Seatbelts, everyone.”

“Stop worrying! What are they gonna do, eat you alive?”

Hot take: Parents trying to be reassuring are the harbinger of every high school horror scenario.

More shadow play. I’m here for it.

“Delicious.”

Right?

I’m really excited for this movie. Movies that come out around Halloween are almost always designed to be the Worst Movies for Me to Watch, and maybe that’s why this seems like such a delight to me. On the other hand, I might just not be over how good Shaun of the Dead was. It started out as a satire of a zombie movie and ended up being the best and final word on zombie movies (Don’t @ me). I know this is a different movie, a different director, not to mention a different decade, but this trailer made me happy and I am 100% sure that that’s what a good movie trailer is supposed to do.

Happy Halloween everyone, you’ll find me eating candy corn out of a cereal bowl with a spoon tonight.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 3

In Part 1 and Part 2 of my fictional job search, I covered eleven potential occupations, but there are still more that need to be addressed. The current job economy isn’t exactly promising, and if one of these careers are closed to you or me, then I want us all to be able to have a full arsenal of other choices.

So, seeing as I like to be prepared, here is part three.

Jedi.

Upside:  Jedi are respected, revered, and fight for good. Mind tricks can be learned with time, and last, but not even close to least, light sabers. Light sabers are just given out like candy, you guys.

Downside: Hand injuries are surprisingly common, due to the liberal distribution of light sabers. Love is forbidden. Sure, I could get around this little rule by hauling out the whole

“Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is essential to a jedi’s life. So you might say that we are encouraged to love,”

line, but then I might hate myself. And everyone else would hate me too. I would eventually be so consumed by hate that I would turn into a Sith lord. And that’s a whole different career.

Archaeologist.

Upside: Seeing as actual archaeology (such as going to digs, sifting through shards found at digs, studying history, etc.) tends to be more of a pastime in this occupation than a requirement, there is all the more time for rollicking adventures. These adventures typically involve shooting at bad dudes,  and generally looking fabulous.

Downside: All those normal archaeologist duties have been replaced by being shot at by bad dudes, pushed into pits by bad dudes, and getting trapped in exploding, recurring time loops by bad dudes. It’s also very difficult to ascertain when your adventures should end peacefully – you never know if your next adventure will be your last, or, even worse, a really terrible follow-up adventure with bad CGI and weird aliens that everyone hates.

Auror.

Upside: High status. Dedication to investigating and fighting the dark arts, and making the world a safer place. Aurors are wizarding detectives. And did I mention magic? I mean, come on, son. Magic. I might even get the chance to teach at Hogwarts.

Downside: The thing about investigating and fighting the dark arts is that it attracts people who are involved in and work the dark arts. The thing about those people is that they kill people. And when they’re not killing people, they’re pretending to be people. And when they’re not doing that, they’re probably trying. And even if I did get a chance to teach at Hogwarts, I have noticed that Hogwarts is probably the worst-regulated school ever. Job security, not to mention plain old safety, is a joke there.

Half-blood.

Upside: Half-bloods (offspring of Greek gods and humans) get to stay the summer in an epic summer camp where they learn to use their hereditary, slightly magical skills, make adorable friends, and go on ill-advised suicide missions. I would get to have exciting adventures with my underage friends and dish out as much inappropriately-timed witty banter as I please. That’s an important factor for me.

Downside: As Percy Jackson himself said, “Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood.” He then goes on to describe how he thinks that if I am a Half-blood, I should hide from the truth and live a lie. This is less than inviting. Also, to be a Half-blood, I have to be born a certain way. Experts have discovered, after much study, that arranging my own birth after being born is nearly impossible, outside of spiffy DeLoreans and flux capacitors, and even then I’m gonna have issues. This is probably a no-go.

Radio announcer.

Upside: I would be the source of information for all my listeners. Without me, how would people know to avoid the dog park (seriously, don’t go near the dog park)? How would people know to turn down the television when having private conversations that the secret police are trying to listen in on? Who would remind everyone what a jerk Steve Carlsberg is? I’m a mainstay of my community, and too high-profile for the people in station management to effectively snuff out without causing a fuss.

Downside: The people in station management probably don’t care about making a fuss, but I think I’ve said too much already. 

Run. 

Opera ghost.

Upside:  I can sing on the job. Sing loudly, too. Steady job, if I can be dedicated enough, and my workplace is not only enormous and underground, but lit entirely by apparently waterproof candles. Did I mention that singing on the job is literally a requirement? I can’t stress that enough.

Downside: Office morale is low, what with my underlings trying to hunt me down and kill me and all. Although singing is in the job description, most of my songs are doomed to be melancholy and riddled with emotional scars. Also, my face is riddled with scars (non-emotional). Admittedly, a lot of pain and scarring is involved with this occupation.

There are still far more careers to be had, fellow fiction-lovers. Some of these ones were suggested to me by my lovely readers (Thank you to Kayla and secondchanced), so please, feel free to tell me what other storybook job openings I’ve missed!

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding the job that is the right fit for you. Also, if you land one of these before I do, I would really appreciate it if you put in a good word for me with your employers.

As always, happy hunting!