For What It’s Worth

I was at work when I noticed what was going down.

Tuesday was a big day for the studios responsible for your knowledge of Norse mythology. The frankly unsettling amount of Marvel news unleashed yesterday hit the internet like a SHIELD helicarrier into the New York bay, so I feel you are all likely to know what I’m pleased about right now.

However, that’s totally not going to stop me from setting up a quick recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I KNOW RIGHT

In addition to all that jazz, we have a few casting announcements, most notably that of Chadwick Boseman playing the Black Panther and Benedict Cumberbatch coming on board to play Dr. Strange.

Oh, not enough to get you excited? Have some footage of Captain Specimen tearing a log in half while Puny Stark looks on in wonder. 

I get it. You’re feeling greedy. Marvel assumed that would happen, so they’ve gone and gifted us with the a sneak peek of the Age of Ultron dinner party-vengers and their heaps of worthiness.

Of course, we mustn’t forget that said sneak-peek scene was preceded by Agents of SHIELD and their well-written, swift  machete stab to the gut with its latest episode, A Fractured House.

Guh.

(My heart goes out to all you poor souls not out-of-your-mind about these recent developments. We just need to get this out of our systems, and your patience will be greatly appreciated until that moment comes.)

Excelsior, my friends. Excelsior.

Let’s Talk About Captain America: The Winter Soldier

First, though, as a matter of course, we have to discuss how you should in no way be here if you haven’t seen the movie yet; that, however, is of secondary importance compared to the fact that you are sitting here, wasting time on the internet (of all places), when you could be wasting time watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Come on. Where are your priorities?

Back to the matter at hand. If you’ve continued this far, you’ve seen the movie. So let’s talk.

Let’s talk about how this movie did the truly impossible thing and made me want to take up jogging. For at least three minutes. With Sam Wilson. On your left.

Let’s talk about,

“I have the exact same glasses.”

“You guys are practically twins.”

“Pff. I WISH.” 

Let’s talk about Natasha and Steve being one of my favorite on-screen brolationships to ever bro. And, obviously, we just have to talk about how “Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.”

“Yes, they do.”

Unfortunately, talking about it is easier said than done, as most things tend to be. I found that a lot of the emotions induced during the course of this movie aren’t of the efficiently explainable variety.

For example, instead of saying, “When Abed (Danny Pudi) made his cameo, I felt such an emotion that I felt as though my brain went completely offline as I gasped like someone drowning and smiled so largely that I gave myself the laughter lines of a ninety-year-old woman,” it would be much easier for me to simply go –  “ABED”

or “DR. ARNIM ZOLA”

or “I’M SORRY SITWELL, DID YOU JUST SAY ‘STEPHEN STRANGE’?”

or “I’M WITH YOU ‘TIL THE END OF THE LINE.”

I really do want to talk about that. Steve is known for never giving up in what he believes in, and he believes in his best friend Bucky – it was the only thing he could do for him.

“Not a perfect soldier, but a good man” has rarely been better displayed than it was in this superlatively well-made film, and it is one of the things that makes this movie so worth seeing, so worth talking about, and so very, very worth flailing about in your theater seat, disturbing the general peace, and very nearly jumping into your sister’s arms screaming during the post-credit scenes (this is a great way to bond, by the way).

Because you’ll wait for those scenes, right? Both of them?

Don’t you dare let me down.

Speaking of which, that’s the final thing that needs to be discussed here.

Know what? I want you to be there with me. Let me just take you on a little tour of my cozy corner of the theater last night, during the first post-credit scene.

*Men speak ominously in laboratory-like chambers*

*Ill-intentioned men speak of activating the twins*

*Camera pans to adjacent prison cells, one containing Wanda Maximoff and the other, her brother Pietro*

*Three years pass*

// So can we please talk about this movie?

Trailer Breakdown for Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Just this morning, the trailer for Captain America: The Winter Soldier was released to the public. So why don’t we celebrate by psyching ourselves up for a movie not coming out until spring?

Mm. Maybe don’t think about that part. Instead, treat yourself to this beautiful spectacle of a trailer, and then swing back around bask in its glory with me.

“You doing anything fun Saturday night?”

Why, Natasha Romanoff, are you asking what it really sounds like you’re asking?

“Well, all the guys in my barber shop quartet are dead, so, no, not really.”

Steve, honey, turn her down with grace, not with overwhelming guilt.

“You know, if you ask Kristin out from statistics, she’d probably say yes.”

Oh that’s okay then. Setting up the Avenger with the girl in statistics. That’s noble, I suppose.

“That’s why I don’t ask.”

“Too shy or too scared?”

“Too busy!”

Good man. You set those priorities.

You… Wait, can you even do that?

“Was he wearing a parachute?”

“No…

… No he wasn’t.”

But-

You know what? Fine.

But you do remember what happened the last time you dropped from a plane into icy cold water, don’t you?

(applause for the Marvel sequence)

“I joined SHIELD to protect people.”

“Captain. To build a better world sometimes means tearing the old one down…

{In which the best bros go for a stroll}

… And that makes enemies.

Looks like someone took Iron Man’s contemptuous “spangly costume” comment to heart. Steve, normally I would tell you not to listen to your haters, but in this case… you did good.

Are you ready? For the world to see you as you really are?

“The world” played by Nick Fury,

Natasha Romanoff,

and… This dude. Yeah. Welcome aboard, This Dude.

Look out the window. You know how the game works.

Disorder. War.

Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the Winter Soldier’s mop of hair I see?

… All it takes is one step.”

Is that This Dude or Nick Fury on the operating table? Either way, looks like

♪ our trio’s down to two. ♪

(Insert sound byte of Pumba saying “Oh”)

[Excuse me while I frantically try to convince you that I still believe in Clintasha, and assert my belief that this is strictly a bromance]

“We’re gonna neutralize a lot of  threats before they even happen.”

Yeah, that never seriously backfires. Nick Fury, have you ever seen a little movie called Minority Report? I think you should watch it and just know that you’re setting yourself up for some really weird stuff, man.

“I thought the punishment usually came after the crime.”

“Yeah, well, welcome to 2014, grandpa.” (scoffs)

I would like to direct your attention to the bloke sitting on the hood of that car on the left. That is all, carry on.

“SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we’d like it to be.”

“This isn’t freedom. This is fear.”

#MURICA

“You need to keep both eyes open.”

Could you be a little more ambiguous, please?

*awkward elevator music*

“Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?”

Good, diplomatic question. It’s important to get everyone’s opinio-

Come on guys, it was just a question. A “yes” or a “no” will do.

“Boy. That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”

I can’t really be angry about the long wait, what with my emotionally overwhelming November movie schedule and all.

Well done, director of this film. I find myself inexplicably wanting to give this scene a hug.

Less so now. And what happened to your American Ninja Warrior outfit, Steve?

{In which the best bros share an attack hug}

Oh, no? Well, that would make more sense.

As firm as I am in my belief that the Black Widow can probably take care of herself, I must say,

can we please get a slow clap for this fantastic gentleman?

Oh dear. Hawkeye missed his cue. I like to think he’s off a yard or two out of frame, gesturing for Cap to hand Natasha over.

THERE IT IS. There’s that sweaty mop of hair we know and love and kind of hate at the same time.

Okay, according to Fury’s expression, maybe it’s just hate.

Or possibly hair envy.

Probably hair envy.

Definitely hair envy.

But maybe with a little bit of oh-he’s-about-to-blow-my-armored-vehicle-half-way-to-Asgard.

Yeah, come to think of it, that was probably a factor.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you dramatic.

Rogers wishes he could dramatic. And also that his best friend and, might I add, only living friend had not been brainwashed into becoming the most theatrical villain this side of Loki.

That’s right. Just think about that for a while, and then, when you’ve finished weeping, come on over and I’ll console you. Maybe make some fondue.

“Gear up.”

Who are you to give the Captain orders? Who are you at all?

“It’s time.”

Time to find out who this dude is? Yes?

Yes? 

Yes.

Welcome to the big screen, Falcon.

Besides the obvious awesome factor, I have the say my favorite thing about the last two images is how Winter Soldier looks like he’s having a grand old time and Captain America looks like he walked onto the wrong movie set.

the bike is back

The ninja flips are back

the helicarrier is

Oh, that’s a shame.

Yes, my love, I accept you. I am stupid excited right now. Is it spring yet?

But man, this is hurting my heart. STEVE I KNOW HE’S EVIL BUT HE’S YOUR FRIEND

NEVERMIND RUN I’m going to go gorge myself on fondue until it comes out.

Fangirl Analysis

A few months ago, the little brother of a friend asked me what “fangirling” was.

Oh dear. So much to explain.

At the time, I was unprepared to properly enlighten him, and I rambled off a half-baked explanation that it involved squealing and bouncing, but today, I’ve come to redeem myself. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my analysis of a fangirl.

“Fangirl” is either a noun (e.g., “That girl crying in the corner must be a fangirl.”) or a verb (e.g., “I’m sorry, Emory can’t come to the phone right now, she’s fangirling about Colin Morgan.”) As a noun, it is a young woman who is unabashedly enthuasiastic about fictional characters and/or their respective actors (especially ones from the United Kingdom), and as a verb, it means to disregard socially acceptable behavior and scream like a banshee, breathe faster/stop breathing, write fanfiction, post on tumblr, sigh loudly, giggle uncontrollably, lose the function to think, and/or jump up and down.

Fangirl lingo includes the following:

• Ship – to endorse a romantic relationship between two people, usually fictional characters. “I ship Fitz and Gigi so hard!”
• OTP – stands for “One True Pairing” and is a term used for your favorite ship. “Amy and Rory are my OTP!”
• Can – seems like a familiar word, but no. It is a word that illustrates how your too-severe fangirling has shut down your brain. “I can’t… I can’t. I can’t even. I have lost the ability to can.”
• Fanfic – abbreviation for “fanfiction.” A story about fictional characters written by one of its fans.  “Have you read that Sherlock  fanfic, Alone on the Water? I have lost the ability to can.”
• Squee – a high-pitched scream delivered by a fangirl, and usually provoked by something fictional. “SQUEEEEEEE”

Below is my collage of all you need to understand fangirls and how their minds work. I got everything from Pinterest or youtube comments, and none of it is my own creation (though, admittedly, it looks like it could be). Click to enlarge!

If you got through the entire thing (congratulations!), one thing will stand out: the screaming.

Yes, we do that on occasion. Don’t judge.

When I went to the midnight premiere of The Hobbit, one of the first previews was for Star Trek Into Darkness.  Four other girls and I screamed at the top of  our lungs. And yes, while I feel sorry for the other people in the theater, I would do it all over again if I had the chance. The only time I’ve fangirled harder in a movie theater was at the end of Captain America (midnight premiere again – who sleeps anyway?). The first teaser for The Avengers. My sister and I were holding onto each other so tightly and hitting each other so hard, I’m surprised we didn’t both come out with bruises. THAT is fangirling.

Any questions?

Anyhow, if we’re still holding onto the definitions, “fanboy” means basically the same thing except that it is male and “fanboying” doesn’t sound nearly as catchy as its female counterpart.

If there was any confusion on the matter, I certainly hope this helped. Thus ends my analysis!

Hug a fangirl today.