Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.

“One day,  I’ll remember.

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.

“The good, the bad…

What a cute little town

sWEET MOther of pearl

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…

… And the Mulan parallels.

♪”Until the stars are all alight.

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…

♪”Mist and shadow,

… And the Mulan parallels.

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.

Oh. And…

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.

♪”All shall fade.”

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.

Yes, sound advice indeed.

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.

And good golly, I’m on a roll.

♪”All shall…

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. 

Mm. You can feel these shots. 

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.

♪”… Fade.”

“Will you follow me one last time?”

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:

…

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 4

Looking for work in this economy (really, any economy) is a less-than-pleasurable task.

You may well find that you need a more streamlined job field, one that lists jobs that apply to a specific type of career-seeking person. That’s the purpose of this series –  to find out which fictional careers best suit you and I.  Part 1, part 2, and part 3 covered seventeen of them, but the supply is not nearly exhausted. Join me as I widen my job search to include seven new occupations.

Commander

Upside: You are picked for this occupation because you can kick butt  better than anyone else, not to mention you make sure that the butt kickee never bothers you again. As evidenced by the gif, whatever you do, you look wicked awesome doing it, [spoiler alert] and you can defeat an entire race of supposedly hostile aliens. All this at the ripe old age of twelve. Go you!

Downside: Supposedly hostile. Supposedly. And genocide is not typically something you want on a twelve-year-old conscience, even if you were tricked into it. Congratulations, you’re three-quarters of the way to having a full physical and emotional breakdown. (For those of you who saw the movie, here is where you may recall that Asa Butterfield [Ender] was on the verge of tears for the better part of two hours)

Burglar

Upside: Well, if you’re of the Hobbit Burglar division, then your upside becomes lovely indeed. Travel, adventure, new… friends companions (?). The chance to prove to others that you’re no ordinary hobbit, and that you still have some Tookish blood in you. And then, when it’s all over, you have the immense pleasure of still being just as Hobbit-ish as you were before, smoking pipes, drinking tea, and being cuddly.

Downside: Those new companions I mentioned earlier are rarely (though occasionally) people you would call up again after your initial adventure. Also, they are occasionally dragons. And at some point in your very, very dangerous adventures, you will find yourself thinking of your comfortable rocking chair in your comfortable Hobbit-hole. (It won’t be the last time you think it.)

Blogger

Upside: Flexible hours – you current bloggers know this bit already. Also, if you do it right, you can set yourself up with a nice flatmate who does enough interesting things to keep your blog readable and intriguing. You feel things deeply and care for the people around you. As a result, you are a treasured friend.

Downside: As I said, emotions run deep with you. Grief, then, must be among those – it manifests itself in different ways according to the occasion, of course. But whether it shows up in the form of PTSD or an unexpected mustache, it’s never a pleasant situation. And your best friend is dead. Or maybe just very deceptive. Or maybe just scared of your mustache.

The Dark One

Upside: Extensive use and mastery of magic. Capable of occasional strong bursts of feeling. Sweet-looking dagger with your name on it. 

Downside: That’s it. Those are the only things that will ever go well with you. I hope you’re okay with every single aspect of the rest of your life going straight down the nearest gutter. You have a nasty curse on you, you run around tearing people’s hearts out, no one trusts you even when you do have a burst of feeling (except for that one person you kidnapped, you monster), and your skin looks that of a slimy basketball. How did that happen? And don’t even get me started on your family tree. *goes off on a rant*

Member of VFD

Upside: Access to a wealth of codes and knowledge held only by Volunteers. The power to do a lot of good in the world.  A very cool tattoo is even included in the deal (or at least, it was before the schism) and you are provided with a, shall we say, unusual education that often commences with your being dragged by the ankles from your home. You might think that belongs in the downside area, but… yeah, actually, it probably does.

Downside: Your, shall we say, unusual education often commences with your being dragged, by the ankles, from your home. And all that power to do good is inevitably misconstrued by fellow members as the power to do the other thing. With this career comes a lot of weeping, sobbing, wailing, crying, and the creation of many miserable books.

Incredibly Handsome Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy

Upside: (said in a louder voice) Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. You know all you need to. Fit and strangely charismatic, blue skin (upside or downside?), necktie-shaped facial hair, massive brain, just enough of a misunderstood hero to appeal to the masses, and a  very large potential for doing good, if you can be convinced (and you can be) to turn your life around.

Downside: If you choose not to turn your life around, you will find yourself spiraling downward in a very Dr. Horrible-esque fashion. And, in the immortal words of Megamind himself, “I’m the bad guy! I don’t save the day, I don’t fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get the girl.”

Snow-Enthusiastic Queen

Upside: According to the two snow-enthusiastic queens that come to mind, your homelands of choice are either Narnia or the animated world of Disney. Holla! Lots of power of the governing-people type, enough without having to mention that you can also control ice and snow, and therefore have the ability to make one heck of an awesome-looking castle. Also? Snowmen all year long.

Downside: You’re rarely a good person, and if you are deep down, you’re certainly going through something of a rough patch. If you can control your ice-making ability, then you have a good chance of being inclined to become an irredeemably evil and creepy murderess (just from what I’ve seen), and if you cannot control your ice-making, then, well, you are probably just having a really bad time and are estranged from your kingdom and family (just from what I’ve seen).

However, there’s a score of other queens to choose from if “queen” remains your preferred career path. You may look into being a step-mother queen. That’s a road well-traveled, and you’ll have a lot of other people’s experience to learn from.

This concludes today’s look at the work field. I know that I have forgotten or overlooked a few, and if you recall them, I would love to know what they are! Some of today’s occupations were suggestions, because, as I have discovered, I do not think of everything.

It’s very inconvenient.

Or, on the flipside, if I have encouraged you to pursue a certain line of work, then once again, I’d love to hear about it.

Happy hunting!

Google Searches and Talking to Smog

One of the most interesting things about life is the paths it takes you on, and what doors it opens for you whether or not you asked for them.

For instance: you are reading my blog. Imagine that.

You may be one of my followers, or you may have been a stranger until this exact moment. You may even be one of those people who came here by complete accident and then began flailing around frantically, trying to get out. This post is dedicated to those people.

When you have a blog with WordPress, you can check your stats and see how many people made their way to your blog. There’s a section on the stats page where you can see what terms were typed into search engines to help people find you. And I can tell you right now, most of the searches that brought people here were not fruitful.

So I thought I’d address those odd searches here – if you are looking for serious information on any of the following search terms that I dragged off of my stats page, you should probably look somewhere else.

Now –

busty girl problems

Busty Girl Problems is a webcomic for ladies that is hilariously accurate; furthermore, it is a webcomic I very briefly referred to in a post five months ago and never mentioned again. But that search term is still bringing people here.

Every time I click on “stats” and find out someone searched for Busty Girl Problems and was interrupted by my frighteningly chaotic fangirling, I ache a little on the inside. I’m sorry, guys.

say it out loud a fangirl

This was searched twice. What am I missing out on? It sounds remarkably like song lyrics. If any aspiring song-writers out there have way too much time on their hands and have lost control of their lives anyway, I would love for you to write me this song. If you do, I will personally make you a strawberry lemonade. I might drink it, but I will dedicate it to you.

hobbit elves

I can see it now.

“Hobbit-Elves. Fifty percent Hobbit. Fifty percent Elf. All adventure.”

When this movie happens (someone make this happen), I want all of us to get together and watch the B-movie of the century. Yes? I’ll bring nutella.

Bilbo talking to smog

Oh, you mean “Smaug.” That’s an easy one to misspell. Don’t worry, you’re not judged here.

You may be made fun of, but not judged.

deadpool babysitting

Are you googling this because you signed up to babysit Deadpool and now you need help? Or are you looking to hire Deadpool to babysit your child? Either way, you should get off the internet and find professional help.

why is it taking so long to make httyd [HowToTrainYourDragon] 2?

YOU TELL ME.

sherlock firefly crossover

I don’t know if this search brought you any actual crossover fan art, fanfiction, or fanvid, but your dream is beautiful, and I hope it came true.

how does fandom feel about steven moffat

Well, anything said about fandom is going to be a generalization, but I’ll do my best: How do you feel when someone whom you care for holds your hand? And then takes a rusty razor to your hand and dunks it in lemon juice? And then offers you a new hand next season? And you have to wait three years for the next season Fandom feels a bit like that about Steven Moffat.

feel like i have been kicked in the shins when i have not

If this search term brought you to my blog instead of to the licensed physician you need to speak to, I apologize.

birthday party ideas teenagers fangirls sherlock who merlin

After you switch to decaf, I think you should definitely invite me to this party.

“fandom” “real life”

This one is my favorite, not for the terms, but because the Googler in question chose to place quotation marks around the terms. I believe the Googler must have heard these words spoken somewhere, but couldn’t understand the context; so, in a mist of confusion, said Googler sat down at his laptop and called to mind the strange new words he had heard that day.

“Fandom. Real life.” He sighed as he typed out the mysterious terms he had heard so much about. “Time to find out what you are.” He hit the search button.

And his life was never the same again.

Trailer Breakdown of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Last December, the first part of The Hobbit hit theaters, and minds everywhere exploded. Mainly due to the fact that they would have to wait a year for the next one. Well, friends? The wait is over.

Well, not over. In fact, the preview is finally out, so that might make the wait harder. But, hey, here’s to six more months! If you have not seen it yet, you can watch the official teaser for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug here. For everyone else, let’s talk about this trailer.

Paramount Pic – Wait, no, this is a shot from the film. Forget I said anything.

“Where does your journey end?”

“You seek that which would bestow upon you the right to rule.”

“The quest to restore a homeland and slay a dragon.”

You know that’s right. Is it just me, or does Thorin look a little less glamorous than the internet made him out to be last December? Six months of hiatus will do that to a character. Also, fighting Orcs and living in caves. Hair is probably the least of his worries. He and Loki should meet up and talk it out.

The barrel scene!

The treetop scene!

The barrel scene!

Tarzan-esque Elves scene?

(That’s beyond our borders. You must never go there, Simba.)

An Elf draws his bow. It’s really time for this Elf/Dwarf hostility to end. It’s getting us no –

“Do not think I won’t kill you, Dwarf.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Massive demon bear?

Chill out everyone, the Hobbit has a toothpick sword.

Arwen! You’re looking fabulously intense, as usual. **UPDATE: Nope. False alarm, it’s a brand-new Elf chick. This is not the Elf you’re looking for, move along.

“It is not our fight.”

“It is our fight.”

Well, that settles that. Good talk, guys.

Treat yourself to this shot of Bilbo sliding down a hill of gold coins, Scrooge McDuck style.

“What if it’s a trap?”

“It’s undoubtedly a trap.”

It gives me great joy to see Magneto and the Seventh Doctor talking things over.

What? This movie is a LOTR/X-Men/Sherlock/Doctor Who crossover, isn’t it?

That’s a quality word. They should put it in the title.

“Such is the nature of evil. In time, all foul things come forth.”

Oh, good, everyone’s least favorite subplot character! 

 Yes. All my yes. This scene, right here, this is going to be epic.

Care to expound?

“If you awaken that beast,”

“You will destroy us all.”

… Will Turner? Who’s manning the Flying Dutchman?

“I wonder if this movie’s going to be shot in 3D?”

~No one ever

“Was that an earthquake?”

“That, my lad,”

Yeah, take your sweet time turning around, Balin. It’s not like any of us are in mortal danger.

“Was a dragon.”

December 13th, 2013. 

Come on, Sherlock Smaug, John Bilbo has a lot more reason to be cross with you than you with him. He just wants to be your friend.“I don’t have ‘friends.'”

Fangirl Analysis

A few months ago, the little brother of a friend asked me what “fangirling” was.

Oh dear. So much to explain.

At the time, I was unprepared to properly enlighten him, and I rambled off a half-baked explanation that it involved squealing and bouncing, but today, I’ve come to redeem myself. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my analysis of a fangirl.

“Fangirl” is either a noun (e.g., “That girl crying in the corner must be a fangirl.”) or a verb (e.g., “I’m sorry, Emory can’t come to the phone right now, she’s fangirling about Colin Morgan.”) As a noun, it is a young woman who is unabashedly enthuasiastic about fictional characters and/or their respective actors (especially ones from the United Kingdom), and as a verb, it means to disregard socially acceptable behavior and scream like a banshee, breathe faster/stop breathing, write fanfiction, post on tumblr, sigh loudly, giggle uncontrollably, lose the function to think, and/or jump up and down.

Fangirl lingo includes the following:

• Ship – to endorse a romantic relationship between two people, usually fictional characters. “I ship Fitz and Gigi so hard!”
• OTP – stands for “One True Pairing” and is a term used for your favorite ship. “Amy and Rory are my OTP!”
• Can – seems like a familiar word, but no. It is a word that illustrates how your too-severe fangirling has shut down your brain. “I can’t… I can’t. I can’t even. I have lost the ability to can.”
• Fanfic – abbreviation for “fanfiction.” A story about fictional characters written by one of its fans.  “Have you read that Sherlock  fanfic, Alone on the Water? I have lost the ability to can.”
• Squee – a high-pitched scream delivered by a fangirl, and usually provoked by something fictional. “SQUEEEEEEE”

Below is my collage of all you need to understand fangirls and how their minds work. I got everything from Pinterest or youtube comments, and none of it is my own creation (though, admittedly, it looks like it could be). Click to enlarge!

If you got through the entire thing (congratulations!), one thing will stand out: the screaming.

Yes, we do that on occasion. Don’t judge.

When I went to the midnight premiere of The Hobbit, one of the first previews was for Star Trek Into Darkness.  Four other girls and I screamed at the top of  our lungs. And yes, while I feel sorry for the other people in the theater, I would do it all over again if I had the chance. The only time I’ve fangirled harder in a movie theater was at the end of Captain America (midnight premiere again – who sleeps anyway?). The first teaser for The Avengers. My sister and I were holding onto each other so tightly and hitting each other so hard, I’m surprised we didn’t both come out with bruises. THAT is fangirling.

Any questions?

Anyhow, if we’re still holding onto the definitions, “fanboy” means basically the same thing except that it is male and “fanboying” doesn’t sound nearly as catchy as its female counterpart.

If there was any confusion on the matter, I certainly hope this helped. Thus ends my analysis!

Hug a fangirl today.