Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.

“One day,  I’ll remember.

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.

“The good, the bad…

What a cute little town

sWEET MOther of pearl

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…

… And the Mulan parallels.

♪”Until the stars are all alight.

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…

♪”Mist and shadow,

… And the Mulan parallels.

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.

Oh. And…

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.

♪”All shall fade.”

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.

Yes, sound advice indeed.

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.

And good golly, I’m on a roll.

♪”All shall…

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. 

Mm. You can feel these shots. 

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.

♪”… Fade.”

“Will you follow me one last time?”

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:

…

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

An Ode to Story-telling

Normally, if I told you I spend a great deal of time hanging with people who are not real, feeling sorry for imagined tragedies, or planning a wedding for two fake people who don’t even like each other [yet], you would probably want to have me institutionalized. But somehow, if I told you it was because I’ve been reading a lot, that’s okay.

It’s no secret that I like fiction. I think a bit of nonsense keeps you interesting, and it most definitely keeps your imagination in good shape. Imagination is a beautiful thing, and if left unattended, it will atrophy and turn into belly fat (that’s my suspicion, anyway; don’t take that piece of information to the bank).

One of my favorite things about fiction is that even though everyone knows it’s fake, it has the power to draw people in and make them feel very real feelings. It stretches one’s imagination and takes it on adventures it never would have thought of embarking on otherwise. So basically, I like to think of fiction as the Gandalf of literature and/or television. An emotionally unbalanced, shape-shifting Gandalf.

Don’t judge. This is the best metaphor I can come up with right now.

I remember the first time a book made me cry, and it was not pretty. Not far into Ella Enchanted,I ran to my mom sobbing out what I believed to be a good excuse to keep her up at night. I’m not certain if she understood a single word I said, but she toughed it out until I was convinced that  Ella’s mother’s death had no real effect on me.

I ran in crying again about five minutes later, because intellectual reasons to stop crying were not enough for me.

Did I mention my mother is a saint?

Anyhow, my point is, no matter how fictional a story is, how the reader or viewer reacts to it is what matters, and that is as real as anything. That’s why we love stories. We are not robots, we have minds, and we have feelings! We – actually, I’m gonna let the good Doctor take this one:

sounds like someone’s been watching Moffat.

We will not stop imagining.

Long live stories and the adventures they may take us on!