Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.

“One day,  I’ll remember.

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.

“The good, the bad…

What a cute little town

sWEET MOther of pearl

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…

… And the Mulan parallels.

♪”Until the stars are all alight.

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…

♪”Mist and shadow,

… And the Mulan parallels.

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.

Oh. And…

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.

♪”All shall fade.”

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.

Yes, sound advice indeed.

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.

And good golly, I’m on a roll.

♪”All shall…

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. 

Mm. You can feel these shots. 

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.

♪”… Fade.”

“Will you follow me one last time?”

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:

…

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

The-Actual-Trailer-Breakdown for How To Train Your Dragon 2

The actual trailer for How to Train Your Dragon 2 was released quite  a while ago, but as I griped enough about the HTTYD 2 teaser in my barely-even-a-trailer-breakdown, it seemed as though I should follow through with the new one. And, also, I rather enjoy watching trailers over and over again. Shocking, I know.

In any case, you know the drill by now – watch the official trailer here, and then swing back around and we’ll break it down! (bad 90’s pop music plays in the background)

(Music is mercifully interrupted by the melodic sound of Hiccup’s voice)

“We’ve really got to work on your solo gliding there, buddy.”

::Bask in the patented Dreamworks animal expression::

Rejected title for How to Train Your Dragon 2: How to Sass Your Dragon Trainer

“Toothless!

You’re pouting, big baby boo?”

“Mraarraar”

“Well, try this on!

Aw, you feeling it yet?

Yeah, you wouldn’t hurt a one-legged -“

What was the end of that sentence? Was it, by chance, viking?

Because despite the adorable terrified face, that doesn’t sound as helpless as you probably intended.

“Whoa, whoa, whoawhoa!”

“Haha!”

♪Reindeers Dragons are better than people, Sven Toothless, don’t you think I’m riiight? ♫

“This is Berk. Life here is amazing.”

We discussed young Hiccup’s surprisingly agreeable facial evolution in the last breakdown, so I’m just going to let you throw in a mental dialogue of your own right here. Go on.

“Dragons used to be a bit of a problem, but now they’ve all moved in!”

Disclaimer from Dreamworks: These are trained professionals. This is actually not a good way to fix all pest problems.

Oh, quick question – Is there Why isn’t there an Oscar for cutest animated picture?

… And with Vikings on the backs of dragons – the world just got a whole lot bigger.”

Just think how many more people would major in history if this had really been the case.

“What happened here?”

Hm, just something that happens at a certain age. In your case, your beard starts coming in, you grow into your jawline, and suddenly all the girls are fawning over you. Just learn to bear it like a gentleman.

“What could have done this?”

Hormones. Oh wait, sorry, are we talking about the scenery?

Okay, that makes far more contextual sense.

You wanted a killer whale-like dragon rising from a cloud, you got a killer whale-like dragon rising from a cloud. 

You wanted – great googly moogly, no, no one wanted that.

Looks like I’m going to be using my summer days wisely.

“I’ll bet you think you know a lot about dragons…

… Let me show you some of what you don’t know.”

“…Okay, but I shot a Night Fury.”

“Should I know you?”

“No – you were only a babe…

News flash, woman, he’s still a babe. Time to throw out that past tense.

But a muhther never forgets.”

Abort. Abort mission. Your permission to call him babe has been revoked.

*gasp*

Shock: A reaction to any number of things, including (but not limited to) finding out your allegedly dead mother is alive, finding out your mother trains dragons just like you, or finding out your mother looks even less like you than your dad does. Next movie: How to Tell your Dragon-Trainer He’s Adopted.

“Yeah, sorry I let you believe I was dead for your entire life until now. I was very preoccupied dressing like a witch doctor. Are we good?”

“We are not good! Were you here the whole time? I can’t believe you didn’t contact me!”

“But, Hiccup… Dragons.”

“Good point.”

Too early to tell, but I may have just summarized the movie for you. Spoiler alert.

“Unbelievable – you’ve been rescuing them!”

Even all this cuteness makes it a little hard to forget a couple shots back where you looked more than a little like the Viking version of Maleficent.

*coos with joy in a very un-adult way*

Kids Corner // Do-it-yourself time! Here, insert your own reference to this exact scene as it was portrayed in Disney’s Pocahontas!

“Something is coming. Something you’ve never faced before.”

… anything like Vikings? Or dragons? I may have news for you, honey.

“The dragons are mine now.”

aw, he made a little frien

SWEET HEAVENS NO

“Protect our people. 

It’s your destiny.”

Disney/Dreamworks Merida cameo. PLEASE.

“If ye had the chance to cheange yur feat – Werdge you?”

Come on, Dreamworks, it’s already set in Scotland, pleease?

“What you’re searching for? It’s in here.”

Yet another potentially dangerous heart-misplacement mystery – solved. Thank you Astrid. I’m sure you were not just trying to inconspicuously feel his pec muscles. Who would do that? Pff.

“This is very dangerous!”

Don’t you train underprepared minors to fight dragons in the last movie?

“Oof!”

Ah, well, everyone knows an animated movie would flop if it weren’t for the token moronic adult characters.

“Are you kidding me?”

*sputters*

IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME SUFFICIENT CONTEXT I CANNOT MAKE SARCASTIC COMMENTS

You too, Hiccup, you and your girlfriend aren’t off the hook just because you’re all gorgeous now. Get your acts together and start doing more things I can make fun of.

“Come on, Toothless…”

Yeah, baby!”

I can almost hear that particular sound byte being recorded for the video game. Totally not a negative thing. You know we all would play it.
D’aww, I’m excited. Summer animated movie blockbusters make me smile.

(By the way, Smurfs, I’m very much not looking at you. Sit back down.)

“Dragons and Vikings, enemies again!”

A boy and his dragon – nothing quite as heartwarming.

I mean seriously, nothing. Nothing is cuter than this. 

Nothing.

I formally challenge you to find something more adorable than this.
“You know that doesn’t wash out!”

While you wear yourself out looking, I’ll be over here cradling a Toothless plushy toy until summer.