Trailer Breakdown for Slaughterhouse Rulez

Happy Sunday! This trailer came out last week, but I only watched it this morning, so as far as I’m concerned, the announcement has begun anew. I’ve only recently become a devoted enthusiast of Everything-Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost, so this preview has come to me right in the middle of the honeymoon phase. I’m loving it.

Join me! Take a look yourself by clicking here for the official trailer, then come back here for a much, much closer look at Slaughterhouse Rulez.

We open on a large and unnecessarily pretentious school somewhere in England. Let’s see if anything, anything at all, bears a resemblance to some other serialized story that many of us have seen twelve years of trailers for.

“Did you get my note about the no-go areas?”

An authoritative school  official wearing an anachronistic robe. Okay, okay.

“Um,”

I have to say, when the first shot of the plucky young heroes is of them screaming and running, my interest always goes up about 23%. It’s something to do with Psych, I think.

“I cannot have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night.”

So, students in distinctly-colored ties are sneaking out of their high school dorms in the middle of the night to be terrified of various things in the forest. These nods are getting pretty Blues-Clues-level in difficulty, right?

Terrorism Response Level: Heightened

“These things always end up in a bloody mess.”

“Welcome, all, to Slaughterhouse!”

Anyway. I think we all know. The first class of Murder Hogwarts is in session. Though to be fair, with the injury rate of regular Hogwarts, the “Murder” bit might be redundant.

I love the emotions on display in our first clear view of the main characters. I was stoked to see Asa Butterfield was in this movie, and honestly? I can think of no better pupil for Murder Hogwarts than Ender Wiggins. That’s my bOY right there

“This is the school pecking order: at the top, we have the Bat.”

And they have… bats? If this is how names are assigned, I want to be called the leather satchel

“In the middle, Clemsie Lawrence.”

Okay, so it’s clearly not the only criteria for the name. Unless this chick has a smaller girl named Clemsie she carries around all the time. Which would be rad.

“Watch where you’re looking.”

Do you guys remember that part in A Very Potter Musical where Draco just rolls around on the ground for like twenty minutes? If they don’t keep that part in, I swear I’ll

“And then, down at the bottom, Whitton.”

“Who’s Whitton?”

“That’s Whitton.”

“Hello.”

Everyone out of the way. I’m taking care of Whitton now.

And in case you thought I missed an opportunity, I’m not going to say he “must be a Weasley” because, quite frankly, it’s 2018. We can’t keep doing this.

“I’m afraid Mr. Prague will be unable to teach today, or ever again. He died here. Alone.

Anyway!”

Oh my gosh I love this. And anyway, the turnover rate at this school means that Simon Pegg’s character should make principal by the end of the term, so why shouldn’t he be smiling?

“There’s something in the woods!”

Everything’s in the woods. Have you ever seen the woods? What about Dateline? Have you ever seen Dateline? Don’t go in the woods

Look. Here’s my idea. Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Mr. Prague, grab Whitton, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

“What the devil…”

Putting characters on the wrong side of caution tape is the sixth love language that only film directors have.

“That hole… It’s a gateway.

Is that one of those “Anonymous” masks?

And it leads straight… down…

I think it is. He’s like an edgy twitter avatar.

To hell.

Next he’s gonna tell us capitalism is a prison.

Now! Who wants to buy some drugs?”

Nick Frost is a star and I love him

That’s in two months, by the way, who wants to carve pumpkins with me, please,

“They just ate half the upper sixth!”

Our second shot of the monster is such a classic shadow shot that I’m almost led to ignore the sticks holding up its lower jaws.

Course, I don’t think anything is holding up this guy’s jaws at all.

Did you guys like that joke? I didn’t even plan it! It just spilled out! I am so happy it ended up that way with the shots I included that I barely care that it was a very dumb and sort-of-obvious joke! What an absolute pleasure!

“Now we can blow shit up?”

Whitton!

“Language, Whitton!”

Thank you, Simon! He’s like two years old! Careful what he’s exposed to!

ah

I! Love! This!

“Children! Save yourselves!”

I!! Hate!! This!!

“To the Skoda!”

Yes… that will… save you… If you don’t friggin blow a tire pulling out of the driveway…

such quality vehicles… love em…

“Hurry!”

“I’m going as fast as I can! You’re making me nervous!”

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

“Seatbelts, everyone.”

“Stop worrying! What are they gonna do, eat you alive?”

Hot take: Parents trying to be reassuring are the harbinger of every high school horror scenario.

More shadow play. I’m here for it.

“Delicious.”

Right?

I’m really excited for this movie. Movies that come out around Halloween are almost always designed to be the Worst Movies for Me to Watch, and maybe that’s why this seems like such a delight to me. On the other hand, I might just not be over how good Shaun of the Dead was. It started out as a satire of a zombie movie and ended up being the best and final word on zombie movies (Don’t @ me). I know this is a different movie, a different director, not to mention a different decade, but this trailer made me happy and I am 100% sure that that’s what a good movie trailer is supposed to do.

Happy Halloween everyone, you’ll find me eating candy corn out of a cereal bowl with a spoon tonight.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

“I remember. I remember everything.”

“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

“Facial recognition got a hit.”

Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

some

BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

Number 3.

What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

“I volunteered because of a lie.”

More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

Like this. This is a good direction.

Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

The Truth is Taking Its Sweet, Sweet Time Out There

 

Today I have a mission – to get you as ready for X Files season 10 as I am.

Not a bad guess.

First, let’s get something straight – I didn’t watch this widely acclaimed cult classic scifi show until this summer, when it suddenly became ultra-relevant with news of a revival.

On my never-ending hunt to consume as much pop culture as possible, I took a look at the 1990s series’ summary – two agents investigate unexplained cases and conspiracy theories for the FBI. (For the uninitiated – there has never been anything more up my alley. This is my show)

The series is re-appearing for an encore (again), with a six-episode event this Sunday night, January 24th. With returning actors like Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, Mitch Pileggi, and William B. Davis, the show promises to bring back the thrills, jokes, and the screams of “wait WHY ISN’T THAT GUY DEAD” that the original series had.

(Fans are also hoping the network has been more generous with the lighting budget this time around. Fingers crossed. Send some light bulbs FOX’s way if you think about it.)

As with anything, there are some mixed feelings about the revival, but for the most part, and certainly on mine, there is irrepressible excitement and undying hype.

However, as it has been explained to me, not everyone wants to spend a couple hundred hours curled up with Netflix to prepare for the TV event of the century! Not to fear. I’ve compiled the info you need to know. So! Meet the main characters.

“I do not gaze at Scully.”

Dana Scully: A tiny doctor-turned-FBI-agent who is assigned to assist (see also: spy on and debunk the work of) Fox Mulder in his work on the X-Files. She is skeptical to Mulder’s out-there beliefs, but she follows his passion and with her know-how and bad-assery, proves essential to the investigations.

Fox Mulder: A huge FBI-agent-turned-FBI’s-least-wanted who has spent years working on the X-Files looking for evidence of the aliens that abducted his sister when they were both children. Highly intelligent and stubborn as anything, nothing will get in the way for his search for truth or his gazing at Scully.

As far as plot goes? I don’t want to dive down any spoilery rabbit holes, so I’ll boil off that fat for you. Essentially, the X Files is nine seasons and two feature-length movies of variations of the following three conversations:

Scully: Mulder, are you suggesting that satanist, genetically-modified bumblebee ceramic figurines from outer space are responsible for this occurrence?

Mulder: Definitely.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: Aliens aren’t real.

Mulder: They are real; my sister was taken by one. You were taken by one. I was taken by one. This whole chunk of random dying ladies were taken by one. I painted a picture of one. Here comes one right now.

Scully: Unbelievable.

____

Scully: I think there’s a God.

Mulder: ??? Well that’s because you’re gullible and you’ll believe anything, sweetie. 🙂 I just wish I could be as trusting and hopeful as you. 🙂 🙂 Come talk to me when you’re ready to be logical about this hun. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Scully: Unbelievable.

Now you’re as ready as I am.

Two days, kids. I’ll be on the couch, eating UFO cake pops and singing (?) along to the theme music.

Trailer Breakdown for Zootopia

Breaking from my regular trailer breakdown pattern, I have to admit this isn’t a new preview. But I’m here, and come on – it’s Disney. My true love. So we are going to press pause on this Thursday and break down this trailer. Haven’t seen the official preview already? Take a peek and hop back here (Look! my first animal-related joke of this post. What a milestone) and let’s get started.

You know, even being Disney, I was hesitant about this at first, especially with the first pseudo-trailer that explained the word “anthropomorphic” to audiences everywhere.

Because I’m no fool – with a new Disney movie comes fandom. With new fandom comes cosplay. And in this case,

“Zootopia.

with cosplay come fursuits. And as it always must be, with fursuits comes my long-standing fear and/or general discomfort of people in fursuits.

“A gleaming city where animals of all breeds, predator and prey alike, live together in peace and harmony.”

But these guys? ?? ???? How can you not love these faces.

“Hi, I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah? Well, we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

I’m already rooting so hard for Judy. I believe in her.

“ZPD’s first rabbit officer, Judy Hops!”

Hops. Brilliant. Does every animal have a surname that reflects a common action of that creature? I hope this Lion cop’s last name is Maul.

Look at my baby. I’m so proud.

“Ready to make the world a better place?”

*Chair skids away*

Yeah, I’m not tolerating this. I’m not going to let Judy take this from Mister Stomps over here. Sign my petition to protect my daughter

“Bad news in this city, gripped by fear.”

You’re leading with that? A snow leopard should know a little something about subtlety. The town looks to you for stability, Ms… Eats-Blue-Sheep.

(I don’t know a lot about snow leopards)

“What can you tell us about the animals gone savage? Are we safe?”

We now turn to a tasteful montage to answer that question.

Nah, son.

Don’t get too caught up in the subliminal racism that you miss the fact that a tiger is using an iPad with a paw insignia. A pawpad. How adorable is that. Okay, back to the racism.

“This is priority one.

“Hops –

“Parking duty.”

|￣￣￣￣￣￣ ￣￣ ￣￣￣￣|
|      ZPD unfair                      |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ ＿ ＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ 　 づ”

“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

I like this message. Stand up for yourself and your abilities, no matter how 2-feet-tall you are. I can relate to this.

“You strike out, you resign.”

“Deal.”

Real shady, but I’m into it. Prove him wrong, Hops.

How many jokes do you think are going to be made on the vein of “we rooted right away for this underdog – excuse me, underrabbit”? That’s unavoidable right? No way only I thought of that joke. When you hear it made, I want you to think of this moment, you and me, where we called it. Together.

“Hello, I’m here to ask you some questions about a case!”

RED ALERT THERE IS A SMALL GERBIL CAR IN THIS SHOT AND IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE

“Then they should have gotten a real cop to solve it.”

Does this orange dirtbag have a child in that pram? Terrible influence. Wonderful voice actor.

“You are under arrest.”

“For what? Hurting your feewings?”

Wow, outstandingly offensive Elmer Fudd reference. Someone get this talking neck wrap to cultural sensitivity training.

“You are a key witness.”

(Chorus of “Savages, savages” from Pocahontas in the background)

“No, he is.”

“Hey!”

Sign my petition today to stop this innocent bunny’s pain.

“I need you to run a plate.”

“Okay, I know a guy. You need something, he’s on it.”

??? You’re taking her to the DMV? No one there is ever on anything.

My heart hurts for every creature in this shot.

“They’re all… sloths?”

A m a z i n g

“We are in a really big hurry.”

“I… am… on…”

“it?”

“… break.”

A m a z i n g

“I have thirty-six hours left, we can only solve it together.”

*Banner unfolds from the ceiling, with quickly-made confetti falling around it* Unlikely Friends ™

“It’s not about how badly you want something, it’s about what you are capable of!”

I want to see thousands of tiny bunnies and humans leaving the theater in March feeling empowered. I’m ready.

“I am a real cop.”

I BELIEVE IN YOU JUDY

“Never let them see that they get to you.”

Interesting advice coming from a predator that waits for rabbits to turn and run before it pounces. Smells like

*Banner unrolls from the ceiling to the sound of kazoos* Character Development ™

“You bunnies. So emotional.”

♫Savages/Savages/Barely even human/Savages/Savages♪

“Do not let go!”

“I’m gonna let go.”

“What?”

Looks like Hops finally realized where she falls on the food chain. Not a bad call.

“We may be evolved, but deep down, we are still animals.”

Shield my daughter’s eyes.

“Wooooo”

“Quit it! You’re gonna start a howl -“

“Woooooo”

One perfect chance to reference the 101 Dalmatians Twilight Bark – wasted.

“Oh, you are naked!”

Eyes front, Nick. Avert that gaze.

“For sure, we’re a naturalist club!”

Animals degraded for acting like animals. What has Zootopia come to?

“All the way down…”

A giraffe doing sun salutations. That’s what I came here for.

There are a lot of things I could point out about this one. Where to start? Maybe I’ll take the minimalist route here and not comment at all. You’re probably already wondering the same things I am anyway.

Judy Hops, voiceover: “Life’s a little bit messy.

Separate but equally important petition to replace minion merch with merch of this perfect elephant toddler.

“We all make mistakes!

“No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.”

*Wipes tear*

“We gotta go.”

“Whose car is it?”

“The most feared crime boss, Mr. Biggs!”

Not going to lie, the trailer could also just have been a blank screen with the crawling text, “Mafia-muscle polar bears in track suits.”

Gorgeous.

Judy: “Is that Mr. Biggs?”

Nick: “Stop talking, stop talking.”

“Oh.”

You live in an animated movie, Judy. This is just the kind of gag you should have seen coming. Not that I think less of you.

“Ice ’em.”

Actually ice? Nice touch. It’s all feeling very The Empire Strikes Back and I approve. Two woodland creature carbonite slabs coming up.

“Daddy! What did we say? No icing anyone at my wedding!”

“I have to baby, daddy has to.”

I’m a lot more excited for this glorious-looking movie than I was originally prepared to be. Will I see you there? (Not in the 3D theater. I’m not the kind of person who pays $30 to watch a movie wearing two pairs of glasses you weirdo.)

Let me know what you think! Too furry? Not enough furry? I was nervous, but I’m trusting Disney on this, and also willingly entrusting Judy Hops with my life.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*

Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.

“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.

“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.

Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).

And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).

That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. 

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL

Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).

Give me inventing and reading and biting.

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give me

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket

Do my hands normally shake like this?

Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know

“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvm

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.

“For mercy.

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.

“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.

“But you don’t want it to change.

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)

“You’re all puppets –

whoa

Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)

Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”

“Tangled in strings.

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?

“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?

Do you get it? 

Wearing out.

It’s a clothing pun.

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.

And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. 

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.

See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”

What a glorious, glorious month.

“It’s the end.

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.

Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes

guh

GUH

GAH

*On her way to get her own movie*

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.

But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.

“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.

“Now

AAAAA

“I’m

AAAAAAA

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more careful

“There are no strings on me.”

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
BRING IT BUDDY.

The Clock is Striking Twelve

I always warn you before spoilers, don’t I?

Well, if you haven’t seen Doctor Who season 8 episode 1, I have only one two things to say to you:

1.  WHAT WHY NOT
2.  Well, don’t come back until you do.

Last Saturday night, I sat in a dark room full of Whovians; the kind who get so excited that no one really cares that they’re slowly turning the back room of a Japanese novelty shop into a sauna.

It began with a girl dressed as a steampunk Dalek standing up to announce that the episode was beginning, and once it did, there would be no mercy on commentators. There was a murmur of assent from the viewers. The episode commenced. Not a peep was heard for over an hour, save the odd hushed “Awwww” or “ohmygoshohmygosh.”

It was glorious.

For many of you, I do not have to tell what happened in the episode.

Seeing it through strictly unfeeling eyes, it was the usual:

• Doctor offends people
• Clara stamps her foot
• SUBTEXT SUBTEXT
• Viewers are scared
• Characters are scared and then die
• Doctor voices some variant of “He/She/It was scared”
• SUUUBTEEEXT
• Hands are held
• Hugs are had
• Chips are consumed

But of course there was the one prominent difference:

The new Doctor.

This dork.

Look at him

Really look

Let me explain: Eleven was my Doctor. Under such circumstances, I thought it was going to take more than a shouty “I’M NOT FLIRTING BY THE WAY” directed at a rampaging dinosaur to win me over.

The Doctor wears his new face well. And hey, as far as the rest of you go, I understand (in theory) if he hasn’t grown on you yet. But just

Look at him.

No, I suppose that’s not what I mean. Don’t just look. The Doctor said it himself. See.

That moment killed me. In fact, I am actually writing to you at this moment from the mysterious fountain garden on the other side.

I’ve wanted to hug a lot of fictional characters before, but this moment must have topped the list. So of course they had to stab at that particular ventricle of my heart.

“I don’t think I’m a hugging person now.”

*Collective scoff from fandom*

But in any case, I didn’t come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor.

While I did indeed come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor, there are other Doctorial things to be addressed. Such as?

• SKIN BALLOON wHAT 
• How one little blow-torch droid set fire to an entire dinosaur
• The frankly alarming number of space ships skipping around replacing machinery with human remains (I had no idea this was such an epidemic)
• The umbrella woman in the weird afterlife fountain garden

Oh come on, what else am I supposed to call her?

Mediocre Fact: I actually had to Google “deep breath umbrella woman” to get anything like what I was looking for. I got a lot of weird artwork and one heroic bit of information that told me that the umbrella woman is actually called Missy.

The “Gatekeeper.”

Cool! If anything, I know less than I knew before.

I feed off of your speculation and inside knowledge; please, let me have it. I would absolutely love to discuss this episode with you. I mean, there it was after all, the excellent first episode of what looks to be a very promising season.

So, what do you think?

 

Real Life?

(Click here for this post’s year-old predecessor)

My current moment of celebration has been brought to us by this fact: I graduated high school last Friday night. 

It follows then, that now I’ve been on the receiving end of a surplus of advice and/or inspiring comments. I’ve been told both that my life has finally begun and that nothing really changes after graduation (Don’t be a motivational speaker, friend). Mm, and yes, my college plans have been questioned seventy-nine times in the past three days.

But even that is not enough to bring me down at the moment. I had a blast graduating, I did so with some terribly cool people, and I am super stoked to no longer be asked what school I go to, or what I’m doing after graduation. (the spirit of the second question will still be present often, but I choose to at least appreciate the change of tense)

I am no longer a high schooler. 

This is joyous news.

But I have a mission in today’s post, one that I must not forget – the geek speech. I mentioned this topic last year, when I got super stoked about putting fandom references in my grad speech and wrote a post (linked above) about how I would let you in on it someday.

That day is here. I have linked every otherwise-unidentified reference for explanation purposes.

 _________________________________________________

*pats microphone*

First off, what a turnout!

How wild is this, huh?

All we did was complete twelve years of schooling. And now look at us. Dressed in glorified trash bags. How far we’ve come.

But where to begin on the list of people we couldn’t have done this without?

I do feel like it would be an injustice not to give a shout-out to my school curriculum, so as much as I’d like to ignore Abeka and Saxon, I do have to say thank you to Adventures in Odyssey and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego for being the thinly-veiled education machines that made up a good chunk of the important things I learned in my school years.

And of course, I have been immeasurably blessed by the people in my life. My friends are the best, most fantastic friends I could ask for, and my family is beyond marvelous. I can not say enough good things about them, and I could not have hoped for anyone better to be raised around. My parents, especially, have been so much better to me than I deserve. I want you all to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are loved. By so many, and so much, and by no one more than me – except maybe One. I thank the Lord for you daily, which leads to the next order of business – thanking the Creator who made every bit of this possible. Thank you for your strength, your wisdom, your unconditional love, and of course, for this moment. For all these bright young men and women who are ready to get down to business to defeat the tons of opposition that we may face.

After all, the protagonist of every story finds herself in a battle at some point.

And we’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. Cos it is, you know? It’s the best. Remember, all of our stories have already been written by the best author our universe has ever produced – or, actually, the best author that ever produced our universe. And stories are not meant only to entertain, but to teach. There are lessons in stories. The moral of the Three Bears, for instance, is never break into someone else’s house. The moral of Snow White is never eat apples. The moral of WWI is never assassinate the Archduke Ferdinand. What will our stories tell others? That’s up to us. But we really ought to make it interesting, make it inspiring. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. And you know God does not create anything that doesn’t make some sort of glorious difference in the world. After all, no artist can resist signing his work.

The world didn’t come with any extra parts, but it didn’t come with any that were interchangeable either.

We all have something that no one else has, and that thing is exactly what the world needs, and the thing we need to give away.

In his book Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis wrote, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” This place is not our home. But any good houseguest knows that you should leave a place in better condition than when you first arrived in it. It’s no different here – except that you don’t usually find opposition when you try to clean a guesthouse.

The world, however, will do what it does best and tell us to do what everyone else is doing, and to stick to the status quo – but the status is not quo. The world is a mess, and we just need to… school it. It is our job to educate the world, to go and make disciples. Be fishermen, be fishers of men. So we’ll beat on, boats against the current. And, I don’t know, fly casual.

Madeleine L’engle once said, fittingly, “When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

This isn’t my favorite truth to accept, but it’s definitely a pre-requisite. I don’t pretend to be grown-up now, but I know I’m on that road. I mean, all children, except one, grow up, but our pace on that journey, the way we deal with the walk, who we become along the way is all on us. And this milestone we call graduation, it means growing up far, far less than it represents it.

Regardless of age, you have always been important, you have always been something. Age just reveals the facts that always were, and experience uncovers the you that always was. Never let people look down on you because you are young. Set an example.

And if you’re ever discouraged, the world gets on your back, and you find yourself beating yourself up and saying that now would be a really good time for you to grow up – don’t ever allow yourself to be downtrodden. Growing up is an adventure, not a destination – and that’s your secret.

You’re always growing up.

Thanks for sticking with me today and for the past years.

Catch… you… later.

_______________________________________________

In closing, I just want to extend the warmest thank you to my excellent friends who used the moment after to yell out,

“No you won’t!”

Dreamboat Eyes

I’ve told you before how much I love A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’engle.

I’ve definitely already discussed my adoration for the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

So as I’ve just recently returned from a trip to OSF to see A Wrinkle in Time adapted for the stage, we can safely assume that I have no plans to ever stop talking about the experience ever ever.

That’s what this post is for. You’ve been warned.

This was a Christmas gift from my sister Jennifer, so she was my traveling buddy this time around. Therefore, she was the designated receiver of slaps and elbow nudges.

(When I get excited, I have the unfortunate propensity to physically attack the nearest human being. It’s totally endearing.)

We walked into the Angus Bowmer. Slap. Slap slapslapslap.

Calvin walked on stage. Nudge. nudge nudgenudGENUDGENUDGE ELBOW STAB.

(Jen is has to be a good sport.)

As the actors milled about the stage [see also: taunting us] waiting for the play to begin, Calvin lay down and and began to practice his spin with the basketball in the air. And it hurt me a little. I played basketball until ninth grade, so I have experienced that particular drill too many times to not be nervous watching someone else do it. (Dropping the ball can go so wrong. Eventually, that basketball is either headed for your nose, the sloshiest part of your gut, or, by some ill-intentioned miracle, three hundred feet away. I found that each one happened to me with the same frequency.) So when Calvin actually did drop the ball and had to do the scramble of shame to go grab it, I felt that we connected.

It doesn’t take much. I make a lot of friends with people who are unaware of our friendship.

After all, he was dressed like a Weasley, and they’re a friendly bunch for the most part.

When the lights lowered and the play began in earnest,  the actress playing Charles Wallace opened up a copy of A Wrinkle in Time and read aloud,

“It was a dark and stormy night.”

It felt like reading the book. Every cast member eventually filed out, each one alternately reading a line or two of the introduction and helping Meg (Alejandra Escalante) act it out. We quickly met her mom, saw the rumors about her dad, understood her sibling relationships, and absolutely felt her pain and confusion. The only thing that went through my mind in between the gaps of adoring thoughts for the beloved characters, I had only thoughts of adoration for the actors.

I have been way too excited for this play from the very beginning. Of course it started when I heard it was going to exist. I mean –

• Favorite book
• Favorite festival
• Favorite medium of entertainment

And then I found out  Joe Wegner was cast – the fantastic actor who, evidently, was born to play Calvin. Then Alejandra Escalante, the talented, perfectly-cast, and adorable Juliet from OSF 2013. Mark Bedard, the amazing man whose voice I’ve had a crush on since She Loves Me 2010, and Dan Donahue, the marvelous actor whom I’ve been missing since Hamlet 2010, and Kate Hurster, the spectacular actress whom I have seen in possibly every single OSF play for the past five years. (no complaints. That lady is Wonder Woman)

 

The dialogue was verbatim from the book.  Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who, and Mrs. Which were represented perfectly and adorably. The affection every character felt for the others was almost tangible. I adored every bit.

But like any spectacle-sporting girl who’s ever enjoyed a romantic comedy, one of my favorite scenes had to be in the twins’ vegetable garden, after Meg’s brief homework session with Calvin.

I mean, come on. Any scene that has the opener,

“Jeepers. Your braces sure shine in this moonlight,”

Is going to be a good one.

I admit to [and embrace] every drop of cliche associated with the following, but seeing as I blushed when I read the scene for the first time, you can imagine how I reacted when Perfect-for-Calvin Joe Wegner clumsily wiped off Meg’s glasses and  announced,

“You know, this is the first time I’ve seen you without your glasses. You’ve got dreamboat eyes.”

I kid you not, the entire audience collapsed into giggles like a classroom of second graders.

Meg’s reaction was just as priceless.

Nothing better.

And this is coming from someone who is fiercely in love the book. A book adaption is almost always a little bit of a disappointment. In fact, I was certain, going in, that they would try to find a way to squirm out of doing Mrs. Whatsit’s transformation. I was preparing myself to mourn its absence, but I didn’t really blame them in advance. Because how could you portray that onstage? That’s ridiculous. They can’t do that.

They did do that.

Short version: I loved this play. The whole audience seemed to. That affection is precisely why it had to be perfect, and also why it was. Wrinkle in Time is a story about love and how it destroys obstacles.

Mrs. Whatsit loved Meg into a solution for her problem. Meg loved Charles Wallace out of his enslavement. Calvin loved Meg out of her loneliness. The whole Murry family is held together by love, and the love needs to be almost corporeal in such a production, for both the original story, and for the audience. It was. I felt like I had received a hug from everyone involved in it.

I’m not even certain how to properly describe it.

You should just go watch it instead.

Let’s Talk About Captain America: The Winter Soldier

First, though, as a matter of course, we have to discuss how you should in no way be here if you haven’t seen the movie yet; that, however, is of secondary importance compared to the fact that you are sitting here, wasting time on the internet (of all places), when you could be wasting time watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Come on. Where are your priorities?

Back to the matter at hand. If you’ve continued this far, you’ve seen the movie. So let’s talk.

Let’s talk about how this movie did the truly impossible thing and made me want to take up jogging. For at least three minutes. With Sam Wilson. On your left.

Let’s talk about,

“I have the exact same glasses.”

“You guys are practically twins.”

“Pff. I WISH.” 

Let’s talk about Natasha and Steve being one of my favorite on-screen brolationships to ever bro. And, obviously, we just have to talk about how “Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.”

“Yes, they do.”

Unfortunately, talking about it is easier said than done, as most things tend to be. I found that a lot of the emotions induced during the course of this movie aren’t of the efficiently explainable variety.

For example, instead of saying, “When Abed (Danny Pudi) made his cameo, I felt such an emotion that I felt as though my brain went completely offline as I gasped like someone drowning and smiled so largely that I gave myself the laughter lines of a ninety-year-old woman,” it would be much easier for me to simply go –  “ABED”

or “DR. ARNIM ZOLA”

or “I’M SORRY SITWELL, DID YOU JUST SAY ‘STEPHEN STRANGE’?”

or “I’M WITH YOU ‘TIL THE END OF THE LINE.”

I really do want to talk about that. Steve is known for never giving up in what he believes in, and he believes in his best friend Bucky – it was the only thing he could do for him.

“Not a perfect soldier, but a good man” has rarely been better displayed than it was in this superlatively well-made film, and it is one of the things that makes this movie so worth seeing, so worth talking about, and so very, very worth flailing about in your theater seat, disturbing the general peace, and very nearly jumping into your sister’s arms screaming during the post-credit scenes (this is a great way to bond, by the way).

Because you’ll wait for those scenes, right? Both of them?

Don’t you dare let me down.

Speaking of which, that’s the final thing that needs to be discussed here.

Know what? I want you to be there with me. Let me just take you on a little tour of my cozy corner of the theater last night, during the first post-credit scene.

*Men speak ominously in laboratory-like chambers*

*Ill-intentioned men speak of activating the twins*

*Camera pans to adjacent prison cells, one containing Wanda Maximoff and the other, her brother Pietro*

*Three years pass*

// So can we please talk about this movie?