The Clock is Striking Twelve

I always warn you before spoilers, don’t I?

Well, if you haven’t seen Doctor Who season 8 episode 1, I have only one two things to say to you:

1.  WHAT WHY NOT
2.  Well, don’t come back until you do.

Last Saturday night, I sat in a dark room full of Whovians; the kind who get so excited that no one really cares that they’re slowly turning the back room of a Japanese novelty shop into a sauna.

It began with a girl dressed as a steampunk Dalek standing up to announce that the episode was beginning, and once it did, there would be no mercy on commentators. There was a murmur of assent from the viewers. The episode commenced. Not a peep was heard for over an hour, save the odd hushed “Awwww” or “ohmygoshohmygosh.”

It was glorious.

For many of you, I do not have to tell what happened in the episode.

Seeing it through strictly unfeeling eyes, it was the usual:

• Doctor offends people
• Clara stamps her foot
• SUBTEXT SUBTEXT
• Viewers are scared
• Characters are scared and then die
• Doctor voices some variant of “He/She/It was scared”
• SUUUBTEEEXT
• Hands are held
• Hugs are had
• Chips are consumed

But of course there was the one prominent difference:

The new Doctor.

This dork.

Look at him

Really look

Let me explain: Eleven was my Doctor. Under such circumstances, I thought it was going to take more than a shouty “I’M NOT FLIRTING BY THE WAY” directed at a rampaging dinosaur to win me over.

The Doctor wears his new face well. And hey, as far as the rest of you go, I understand (in theory) if he hasn’t grown on you yet. But just

Look at him.

No, I suppose that’s not what I mean. Don’t just look. The Doctor said it himself. See.

That moment killed me. In fact, I am actually writing to you at this moment from the mysterious fountain garden on the other side.

I’ve wanted to hug a lot of fictional characters before, but this moment must have topped the list. So of course they had to stab at that particular ventricle of my heart.

“I don’t think I’m a hugging person now.”

*Collective scoff from fandom*

But in any case, I didn’t come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor.

While I did indeed come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor, there are other Doctorial things to be addressed. Such as?

• SKIN BALLOON wHAT 
• How one little blow-torch droid set fire to an entire dinosaur
• The frankly alarming number of space ships skipping around replacing machinery with human remains (I had no idea this was such an epidemic)
• The umbrella woman in the weird afterlife fountain garden

Oh come on, what else am I supposed to call her?

Mediocre Fact: I actually had to Google “deep breath umbrella woman” to get anything like what I was looking for. I got a lot of weird artwork and one heroic bit of information that told me that the umbrella woman is actually called Missy.

The “Gatekeeper.”

Cool! If anything, I know less than I knew before.

I feed off of your speculation and inside knowledge; please, let me have it. I would absolutely love to discuss this episode with you. I mean, there it was after all, the excellent first episode of what looks to be a very promising season.

So, what do you think?

 

[Proper] Trailer Breakdown for Doctor Who Season 8

 Off the heels of the last two skimpy DW teasers, the good people of the BBC have gifted us with an official full-length trailer for Doctor Who’s eighth season, and it features not only the explosions that you loved so much from the earlier teasers, but actual shots. From the show. In good lighting. 

I think I should not be this excited but I’ve still been waiting for this moment for months. So let’s begin, shall we?

I love that opening. It’s deliciously vague. What’s this going to be a trailer for? Sherlock? Copper? A history program and/or short summary of the Revolutionary War? Who knows

You would think that somewhere along the last three regenerations, the Doctor might have thought, “Hey – I’m literally seconds from blowing up into a freaking volcano of regeneration energy. Maybe I should keep the TARDIS in park. Just until I’m not disoriented and/or screaming in agony.”

Boy needs a designated driver.

No, not you. (Who calls a time machine a cow?)

“Life returns.”

Coming from a species who routinely dies out every ten minutes, I’m inclined to believe it.

“I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.”

Coming from the girl who has seen (and saved) every version of the Doctor? Coming from the girl who had a personal adventure with three different versions of this guy simultaneously? Don’t get me wrong, heavy grief over the loss of Eleven forced me to eat the better part of a jar of nutella, but if anyone can be graceful in the face of regeneration, it should be Clara.

“Life prevails.”

Then again, as I am experiencing physical pain watching Twelve not double over and put his full weight on the rails like Eleven used to, maybe I shouldn’t judge Clara for this one.

“I’m the Doctor.

(He repeated, as his self-confidence tapes told him to.)

And to think, just eight years ago, we gave Christopher Eccleston half a store mannequin arm, told him to strangle himself with it, and called it good.

What a time to be alive.

“I’ve lived for over 2000 years.

(You know, since back when that mannequin arm move was movie magic)

 “Yours is bigger than mine.”

“… Let’s not go there.”

Classic companion shot. But ah, lest we forget, we’re taking on another young grasshopper this season!

So what do we know about Danny so far?

… If my calculations are correct, that he’ll fit in just fine.

“I’ve made many mistakes.

“It’s about time that I did something about that.”

I like your snappy little suit. But, hey, you’re talking about the bowtie, aren’t you? I resent that, sir.

“Where are we going?”

“Into darkness.”

What was that Doctor? Did you say the TELEVISION CROSSOVER MANKIND HAS ONLY DREAMT OF

COS THAT’S WHAT I HEARD

“Here we go again.”

Welcome back Madame Vastra and Strax! Never once, watching your first episodes so many years ago, did I think you would make trying to convince people to watch this show so much more complicated and weird. Thank you?

#ButFirstLetMeTakeASelfie

(Don’t worry, I kind of hate myself for making that reference)

All right, let’s get real for a moment. Life’s treating you hard, isn’t it? Sometimes you wonder if it’s all worth it? You’re looking for some ray of hope, some glimmer of joy in this dark world.

Well, BBC is here to say: you’re welcome.

Go on, squeal. You know you want to. And frankly, I feel kind of lonely sitting here squealing by myself.

And don’t worry, to keep those joyful expectations  in check, the BBC has thrown a little bitterness and destruction in there. Just for you.

And… robot crusaders? I’m down.

“The British are coming!”

I’m not joking give me a Revolutionary War episode it would be so cool

I know it’s probably too much to hope for, judging by Clara’s very much not ancient Roman attire, but all I want is for her to be talking to a member of the Sibylline Sisterhood from “Fires of Pompeii” here. Obvious bonus points if it’s Karen Gillan.

And, if you look closely, you can see the Doctor Who producers collectively denying the rainbow-skittle-makeover the Daleks got early in season five. I don’t think anyone minds.

And of course, Sexy hasn’t changed. Still begrudgingly going along with the whims of a man who consistently brings home strays and drives her mid-regeneration. That’s love for you.

“Clara tell me: am I a good man?”

Tune in for Doctor Who this August to see the Doctor  played by a moody teenager having an existential crisis!

“I… don’t know.”

And don’t miss Clara, played by his mom, who wonders where this new attitude is coming from.

And by the by, I would never diss Nine’s mannequin arm scene. That was classic.

Trailer Breakdown for Doctor Who Season 8

 If you’re on this blog of your own free will, chances are that you’re familiar with BBC’s two recent, feeble attempts at  teasers. Each lasted an exhaustive fifteen seconds, didn’t have a single well-lit shot between them, and they still managed to make me and DW fans everywhere weep with joy and mourning. It’s a true art.

So today I have a treat for you.

Ever since Doctor Who Confidential was canceled, we’ve been deprived of some of that behind-the-scenes action that was so fun to watch after each episode aired. That’s why I am pleased to present to you today, the genuine minutes of the boardroom meetings where these teasers were discussed and digitally edited. It wasn’t easy to get these notes, and bits of them are burnt, so I might be leaving some parts out. Just bear with me.

MB: “We want this look at the Doctor to be memorable. Important. So blow some of that garbage up in the back.”

KW: “Garbage?”

MB: “The TARDIS.” 

MB: “Brilliant. Again.”

RW: “Ken and I had a couple ideas too,”

MB: “Sh. One more time.”

RW: “Okay.”

MB: “It’s beautiful.”

RW: “Can we put in some talking?”

MB: “Whatever.”

“Clara, be my pal, tell me: am I a good man?”

“I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.”

KW: “You know, this is not how reflections work. Or eyes.”

RW: “No one asked you.”

MB: “I’m so bored right now. Cut to black.”

MB: “Okay kids, now I want the Doctor Who Teaser Mark II to have everything that made the last one great.”

RW: “That’s reasonable. What was that?”

MB: *Turns out lights and sets table on fire*

KW: “Right.”

MB: “Okay, everyone, strong beginning. Let’s go stronger.”

MB: “SECONDARY EXPLOSION YES”

RW: “Sir,”

MB: “MORE”

MB: “AGAIN BUT WITH LESS LIGHT”

RW: “Sir, we’re all a bit worried about the mental state of the viewers. Any way that we could give them a break?”

MB: “Fine. Give them a shot of that old dude and some of that ‘dialogue’ trash you won’t shut up about.”

KW: “Thank you.”

“I see into your soul, Doctor. I see beauty, divinity, hatred!”

KW: “Is it just me or was that line more Captain Jack-esque than Dalek?”

MB: “Okay, you two have had your say.”

RW: “You don’t mean”

MB: “HAHA YES BOOOM”

KW: “What! Where are his other organs? This is not how x-rays work!”

MB: “Shut up and give me a close-up of those hearts.”

MB: “NOW MAKE THEM EXPLODE”

RW: “SIR NO”

The last few pages of the transcript are in ashes. I heard Michael Bay was fired from the creative committee some time afterwards.

(Don’t worry about it. It probably gave him more time to work on Titanic.)