Tag Archives: Movies

Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

26 Mar

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

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We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

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“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

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Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

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You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.jl6

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

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It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.jl8

“The others – where are they?”

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“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

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Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

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I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

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See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

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“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

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“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

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“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

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“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

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I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

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“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

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Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

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I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

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“You’re the Batman?”

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Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

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“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

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We got Cyborg®™

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Wonderful Woman

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and Big Boy

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(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

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When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

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Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

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I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

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Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

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“What are your superpowers again?”

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“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

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From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

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“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

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This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

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I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

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Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

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Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

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Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

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This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

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Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

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For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

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We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

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“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

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GLORIOUS.

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“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

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“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

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“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

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“Yeah!”

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I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

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COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

16 Sep

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

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“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

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I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

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Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

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Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

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Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

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“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

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THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

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“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

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Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

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It’s terminal

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“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

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On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

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It’s treasure planet

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I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

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Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

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I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

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“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

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I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

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“A boat!”

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I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

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Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

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Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

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“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

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“Hero of men.”

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“Wh-What?”

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“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

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“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

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“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

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Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

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And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

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“Did not see that coming.”

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“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

  1. the splash coming off the high-five
  2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
  3. the hair frizz
  4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

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“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

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How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

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… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

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Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.moana44

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

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!

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“They’re kinda cute!”

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!!!!!!!!!

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I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

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You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

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Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

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This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

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I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

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Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

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“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

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The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

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“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

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“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

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And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

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Peaceful!

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Charming!

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Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

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SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

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Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

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A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

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“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

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“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

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I’M READY.

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“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

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I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

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“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

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“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

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See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

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“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

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HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

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And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

22 Apr

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

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“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

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Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

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“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

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“I remember. I remember everything.”

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“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

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“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

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You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

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“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

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If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

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“Facial recognition got a hit.”

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Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

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“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

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I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

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“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

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Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

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By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

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“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

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“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

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To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

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some

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BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

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This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

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“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

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“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

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Number 3.

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What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

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Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

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Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

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“I volunteered because of a lie.”

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More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

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It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

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I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

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(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

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(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

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(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

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“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

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“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

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Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

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Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

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YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

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Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

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By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

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“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

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Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

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Like this. This is a good direction.

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Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

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Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

5 Jul

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*
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Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.
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“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.
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“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.
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Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
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Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).
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And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).
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That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.soue_8

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. soue_9

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL
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Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).
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Give me inventing and reading and biting.soue_12

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give mesoue_13 soue_14

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket
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Do my hands normally shake like this?

soue_17Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

2015 In Review

31 Dec

I don’t think anyone would disagree with me if I said 2015 was a fantastic year.

Sure, it had its share of tragedies just like any year, but also like any year, it was full of well-intentioned people who tried their best, grew stronger and closer together, and learned.

And the hover boards are great.

Early 2015 hoverboard prototype

I’m sure I don’t have to remind you all of the hover board unveiling of early February. There wasn’t a single dry eye in my household, I can tell you. This was the day we’d all waited for. Related, several reliable sources have hinted that Samsung is releasing their own brand of H-board in late 2016. Fingers crossed for lower prices? I could barely swing the cost of my first one, and with the early trials battery life, I can hardly even ride it anymore.

Doesn’t work as well over water – not enough power yet

Until then, we’ll have to stick with the single brand who has cornered the market. I’d have to say no one was surprised to see this kind of quality innovation come from Apple. It’s a great product, but I was disappointed to see that the navigational features were pretty off. Apple Maps was bad before it was connected to a moving vehicle. This nation-wide scourge of confused, levitating people is something to behold.

Of course, fashion styles were a surprise, to say the least. In 2014, everyone was talking about how seventies and eighties fashion styles were back and that “nothing was ever new.” 2015 begged to differ. Early spring saw people sporting iridescent sundresses, magic marker facial designs, and a frankly astonishing amount of plastic and velvet where neither plastic nor velvet should have been.

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An average group of 2015 youth

At least it wasn’t until mid-autumn that the double-tie (regrettably) began to take hold.

A modern 2015 man

Some said triple-ties were going to make an appearance as well, but the people wearing those were outliers and should not have been counted.

The tragedies of the year should not be ignored, so I have to yet again offer my condolences to those affected by the Lawyer Purge. Though I try not to get involved in political affairs here on my blog, I think it was a disgusting act of negligence by the government to destroy thousands upon thousands of jobs when all the lawyers were abolished. Pro-Purgers insist that the judicial system is more swift than before, but at what price? The administration of justice has come to a screeching halt. Lawyers line the moving sidewalks, offering law advice in exchange for food. This is not what America is about. You know what? Don’t get me started.

A typical newspaper headline in 2015

That’s all I will say on the subject. I’m sorry to have brought politics into this, especially considering the truly glorious things that happened this year.

Among them? You guys know what I’m gonna say. I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Jaws 19 was the best yet. Sure, Jaws 5-18 all felt a bit rushed, but Jaws 19 absolutely knocked it out of the park.

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One of the spectacular and innovative Jaws 19 ads

This time, it was really, really personal.

I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished this year, who I’ve become, and the dragons I’ve raised. Feel free to comment what the best moment of 2015 was for you! It’s been great being here with you as we bid another year a fond farewell.

Here’s to a bright and shiny 2016!

and Great Scott.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

10 Dec

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome
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*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*io_2

“So, how was the first day of school?”
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“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.io_4

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”io_5

Doo wee oooooo EEEE oooooio_6

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.
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“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortableio_9

“Ahem.”io_10 io_11

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”io_12

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

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whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.io_14

“AHEM”

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A wild wife appears!io_16

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

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“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.
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“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

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“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.io_21

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.io_22

Buddy.io_23

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“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Naileditio_26

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”io_27

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.io_28

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?io_29

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.io_30

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.io_31

“School was great, all right?”io_32

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.io_33

“Riley! Is everything okay?”io_34

“Uhhhhhhhgh”io_35

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.io_36

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”io_37

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*io_38

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

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“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“io_40

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANTio_41

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?io_42

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. io_43

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.io_45

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.io_46

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.io_47

“Yeah, well, well-“io_48

“Prepare the foot.”io_49

“Keys to safety position!”io_50io_51

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.io_52

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”io_53io_54

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.
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Aaaaand nuclear.io_56

“Just shut up!”io_57

“Fire!”io_58

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

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“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS
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“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.io_62

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.io_64

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.io_65

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

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Look at them. Putty. Try it today!io_67

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieio_68WHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World

25 Nov

I would appreciate it if I were a bit more stand-offish about this movie and therefore more condemning of Hollywood’s bad habit of re-vamping older movies. I would very much like to use this movie to look refined and hold it up as an example of an industry completely out of original ideas.

However, none of that changes the fact that I nearly vibrate with joy when I hear the Jurassic World’s take on the classic Jurassic Park score music. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that this movie looks so incredibly bomb. Gaze upon the glory that is the Jurassic World official trailer, and then come back here. I’ll tell you what I thought if you tell me what you thought.

Just kidding, I’ll tell you anyway.

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“I’m really proud of you for going on this trip. You’re gonna have so much fun.”

I can’t help but agree with Universal that the best way to start off a cult classic sequel is with a beloved young character from a more recent cult classic sequel. Welcome, everyone’s-favorite-supporting-character-from-Iron-Man-3.

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Do you smell anger and hormones? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget to toss you a hoodie-wearing, headphones-sporting teenager. Can you imagine? How would the kids relate?
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“And remember! If something chases you – run.”

We’ve been here ten seconds and you are wasting no time establishing yourself as the worst person here. Well done. jp_4

In case you’re getting nervous, there’s no need to worry – I’m sure there is very secure fencing for the water dinosaurs. How could this place get a permit any other way? *nervous laughter and sweating*jp_5

Activity: Enthusiastically remind your friends that this is exactly twenty-two years and one day after the release of Jurassic Park the first! Watch them slowly back away until they are out of sight!jp_6

Meet Gray, the example of the face you’re about to make.jp_7

aaaaaaaaaaajp_8

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My, my, my, what a body count.
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jp_11 jp_12

Okay, let’s be real. Obvious danger, frankly ridiculous variables, and nay-saying common sense aside – I would pay SO MUCH MONEY FOR THIS
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And actually, that’s the whole point isn’t it. I’m already going to pay so much money to go pretend to be there.jp_14

I can’t say I think that it’s a bad idea yet. jp_16

Now, Universal Studios knows what that what you really, really wanted was Jaws 5, so here’s their nod to you, you freaking weirdos.jp_17

OH SWEET SALLY GOod yes I wanted to be scared of the water again
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No, I hadn’t just gotten over that. Thank you, thank you sincerely for this.
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A moment of silence for all the smart phones being rushed to safety just moments too late. You were cut down in your prime.jp_21

Aaand straight ahead you’ll see the shot I’ve been waiting for.  jp_22

“We have learned more in the past decade from genetics than a century of digging up bones. A whole new frontier has opened up.jp_23

We have our first genetically-modified hybrid.”jp_24

“Foolproof,” Said all the biologists at once.

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“You just went and made a new dinosaur?

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Probably not a good idea.”

You needed to fly someone in to say that?

Does he get paid to advise on situations like this one?

in that case YES WELL DONE CHRIS YOU FIGURED IT OUT
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YOU ARE TRULY A GOD AMONG MEN
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“That wall’s forty feet high. You really think she climbed out?”

Yeah, you’re right, that seems impossible. It’s not like those claw marks reach the top of the wall and the animal you’re referring to is missing from her cage oh WAITjp_30

“Depends.”

“On what?”jp_31

“What kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

Okay, see what I’m saying? This is not rocket science. How do I get on this cutie’s career path?jp_32

Hey, kid, souvenirs are extra. Just because Stark gave you a laboratory doesn’t mean you’re entitled to everything else in the free world. Before you say so, you and the dinosaur are not “connected.”jp_33

“Evacuate the island.”

(More of that Jaws 5 action for you crazy kids. Close the beach? Why would we do that, we could NEVER)
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Pro tip: if you ever find yourself in a job situation where your surroundings look like the game-makers’ quarters from the Hunger Games, you’re probably doing something terribly wrong.jp_35

“She’s a highly intelligent animal.

After all, homeboy Star-Lord knows a thing or two about genetically modified animals with homicidal tendencies (given, however, his experience has mostly come of dealing with  smaller woodland creatures).jp_36 jp_37

♪♬It’s rainin’ men

I’m so sorry I knew as soon as I typed that that it was out of line I’m so so sorry that’s actually super gross ew I’m so sorryJP_38

Can we put that last bit behind us? I give you instead, Chris Pratt dressed like Indiana-Jones-meets-Han-Solo and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like she hasn’t noticed yet.JP_39

If you’re still carrying that rifle, I got news for youJP_40

Well, you may have lost the firearm, but at least you’re probably minutes away from being consumed by a terrible lizard. You lose some, you almost win others.
JP_41

She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Admittedly not usually a statement that follows a remark about a creature’s intelligence, but hey, maybe it should be.JP_42

“Oh God.”

Let’s address the real issue here. You couldn’t avoid making an arts and crafts dinosaur, that’s a given, but you couldn’t have made a little one? Maybe a slow-moving herbivore? More importantly, why didn’t you make a Toothless?JP_43

Seriously, if you had the funding and know-how to create Toothless and/or ride-able dragons and you chose not to, then you deserve whatever happens to you in this movie.JP_44

I’m feeling less okay about that statement, but I stand by it.JP_45

The worst part is like half of these people lost their smartphones to the splash zone in scene five, so no one’s even going to believe them when if they get back home. Think of the vines that went to waste.JP_46

Oh and speaking of, my little buddy seems to have lost his headphones. Probably forever, judging by the circumstances. Now how are we going to be able to tell who the melodramatic teenager is?JP_47

“Run!”

Maybe the mother at the beginning of the trailer was on to something after all?

jp_51

*Raptor noises*

no she most definitely was not you stay still and silent Gray I need you to be safejp_48

Yes, oh my goodness, it feels like I just dug this movie out on VHS along with a ton of other movies I didn’t know I had and I  LOVE ITjp_49

Sure, okay, the raptors are being let out of their cages horse-race style. Terrifying, yeah, but don’t even worry about it, boys.jp_50

2015’s Han Solo never stops guarding our galaxy.

Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

19 Nov

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”

Cinder_1

Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.

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“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
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this went from zero to sad real quick buddycinder_5

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes) cinder_7

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? cinder_8

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*cinder_9

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?cinder_10

Craigslist ad?cinder_11

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… cinder_12

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”cinder_13

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”cinder_14

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”
cinder_16

cinder_17

All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?
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“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.

dirtyella

Really.
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“Cinderella!”

See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”
cinder_20 cinder_21

If you’re not running away, what are you doing?cinder_22

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THATcinder_23

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.cinder_24

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”dirtyellacinder_25

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.cinder_26

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”cinder_28

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”

cinder_31

“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”

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“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.
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“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.
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what are you doicindeR_37

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUScinder_38

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.cindeR_39

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.cinder_40

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”cinder_41

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.cinder_42

“You shall not go to the ball.”cindeR_43

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!cinder_44

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.
cinder_45

“Who are you?”cinder_46

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”
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“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?
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Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be cindeR_49

fine
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One job.cinder_52

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
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I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.cinder_56

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.

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Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.cinder_58

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.

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Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.cinder_60

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.cinder_61

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”cinder_62

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.cinder_63 cinder_64

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)
cinder_65

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. cinder_66

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.cinder_67

“They’re all looking at you,”cinder_68

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.
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Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.cinder_72

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.cinder_73

#DANGITMYCURFEW

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♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬

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And where there is goodness, there is magic.”cinder_78

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.cinder_79

“No!”cinder_80

♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.
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“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?

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Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.cinder_84

“Are you looking for this?”cinder_85

Love is an open doooorcinder_86

Life could be so much mooore – with you.
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with YOU!
cinder_88That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)

For What It’s Worth

29 Oct

I was at work when I noticed what was going down.

MikaylaTuesday was a big day for the studios responsible for your knowledge of Norse mythology. The frankly unsettling amount of Marvel news unleashed yesterday hit the internet like a SHIELD helicarrier into the New York bay, so I feel you are all likely to know what I’m pleased about right now.

However, that’s totally not going to stop me from setting up a quick recap.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

I KNOW RIGHT

In addition to all that jazz, we have a few casting announcements, most notably that of Chadwick Boseman playing the Black Panther and Benedict Cumberbatch coming on board to play Dr. Strange.

Oh, not enough to get you excited? Have some footage of Captain Specimen tearing a log in half while Puny Stark looks on in wonder. 

I get it. You’re feeling greedy. Marvel assumed that would happen, so they’ve gone and gifted us with the a sneak peek of the Age of Ultron dinner party-vengers and their heaps of worthiness.

Of course, we mustn’t forget that said sneak-peek scene was preceded by Agents of SHIELD and their well-written, swift  machete stab to the gut with its latest episode, A Fractured House.

Guh.

(My heart goes out to all you poor souls not out-of-your-mind about these recent developments. We just need to get this out of our systems, and your patience will be greatly appreciated until that moment comes.)

Excelsior, my friends. Excelsior.

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

23 Oct

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

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“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know
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“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvmaou_3

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.aou_4

“For mercy.aou_5

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.
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“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.aou_7

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.
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“But you don’t want it to change.aou_9

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)aou_10

“You’re all puppets –

whoa
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Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)
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Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”aou_13

“Tangled in strings.aou_15

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?
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“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

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*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

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Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?
aou_21

Do you get it? aou_22

Wearing out.
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It’s a clothing pun.aou_25

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.
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And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. aou_27

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)aou_28

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)aou_29aou_30

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.
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See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”aou_32

What a glorious, glorious month.aou_33

“It’s the end.aou_34

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.aou_35

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.
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“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.aou_37

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!aou_38

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!aou_39

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.
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Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes
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guhaou_42

GUHaou_43

GAHaou_44

*On her way to get her own movie*aou_45

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.
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But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.aou_47

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

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Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.aou_50

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.aou_51

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

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#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.
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“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,aou_55

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”aou_56

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.aou_57

“Now

AAAAAaou_58

“I’m

AAAAAAAaou_59

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAAaou_60

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.aou_61

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more carefulaou_62

“There are no strings on me.”aou_63

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
aou_64BRING IT BUDDY.