Trailer Breakdown for Slaughterhouse Rulez

Happy Sunday! This trailer came out last week, but I only watched it this morning, so as far as I’m concerned, the announcement has begun anew. I’ve only recently become a devoted enthusiast of Everything-Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost, so this preview has come to me right in the middle of the honeymoon phase. I’m loving it.

Join me! Take a look yourself by clicking here for the official trailer, then come back here for a much, much closer look at Slaughterhouse Rulez.

We open on a large and unnecessarily pretentious school somewhere in England. Let’s see if anything, anything at all, bears a resemblance to some other serialized story that many of us have seen twelve years of trailers for.

“Did you get my note about the no-go areas?”

An authoritative school  official wearing an anachronistic robe. Okay, okay.

“Um,”

I have to say, when the first shot of the plucky young heroes is of them screaming and running, my interest always goes up about 23%. It’s something to do with Psych, I think.

“I cannot have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night.”

So, students in distinctly-colored ties are sneaking out of their high school dorms in the middle of the night to be terrified of various things in the forest. These nods are getting pretty Blues-Clues-level in difficulty, right?

Terrorism Response Level: Heightened

“These things always end up in a bloody mess.”

“Welcome, all, to Slaughterhouse!”

Anyway. I think we all know. The first class of Murder Hogwarts is in session. Though to be fair, with the injury rate of regular Hogwarts, the “Murder” bit might be redundant.

I love the emotions on display in our first clear view of the main characters. I was stoked to see Asa Butterfield was in this movie, and honestly? I can think of no better pupil for Murder Hogwarts than Ender Wiggins. That’s my bOY right there

“This is the school pecking order: at the top, we have the Bat.”

And they have… bats? If this is how names are assigned, I want to be called the leather satchel

“In the middle, Clemsie Lawrence.”

Okay, so it’s clearly not the only criteria for the name. Unless this chick has a smaller girl named Clemsie she carries around all the time. Which would be rad.

“Watch where you’re looking.”

Do you guys remember that part in A Very Potter Musical where Draco just rolls around on the ground for like twenty minutes? If they don’t keep that part in, I swear I’ll

“And then, down at the bottom, Whitton.”

“Who’s Whitton?”

“That’s Whitton.”

“Hello.”

Everyone out of the way. I’m taking care of Whitton now.

And in case you thought I missed an opportunity, I’m not going to say he “must be a Weasley” because, quite frankly, it’s 2018. We can’t keep doing this.

“I’m afraid Mr. Prague will be unable to teach today, or ever again. He died here. Alone.

Anyway!”

Oh my gosh I love this. And anyway, the turnover rate at this school means that Simon Pegg’s character should make principal by the end of the term, so why shouldn’t he be smiling?

“There’s something in the woods!”

Everything’s in the woods. Have you ever seen the woods? What about Dateline? Have you ever seen Dateline? Don’t go in the woods

Look. Here’s my idea. Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Mr. Prague, grab Whitton, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

“What the devil…”

Putting characters on the wrong side of caution tape is the sixth love language that only film directors have.

“That hole… It’s a gateway.

Is that one of those “Anonymous” masks?

And it leads straight… down…

I think it is. He’s like an edgy twitter avatar.

To hell.

Next he’s gonna tell us capitalism is a prison.

Now! Who wants to buy some drugs?”

Nick Frost is a star and I love him

That’s in two months, by the way, who wants to carve pumpkins with me, please,

“They just ate half the upper sixth!”

Our second shot of the monster is such a classic shadow shot that I’m almost led to ignore the sticks holding up its lower jaws.

Course, I don’t think anything is holding up this guy’s jaws at all.

Did you guys like that joke? I didn’t even plan it! It just spilled out! I am so happy it ended up that way with the shots I included that I barely care that it was a very dumb and sort-of-obvious joke! What an absolute pleasure!

“Now we can blow shit up?”

Whitton!

“Language, Whitton!”

Thank you, Simon! He’s like two years old! Careful what he’s exposed to!

ah

I! Love! This!

“Children! Save yourselves!”

I!! Hate!! This!!

“To the Skoda!”

Yes… that will… save you… If you don’t friggin blow a tire pulling out of the driveway…

such quality vehicles… love em…

“Hurry!”

“I’m going as fast as I can! You’re making me nervous!”

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

“Seatbelts, everyone.”

“Stop worrying! What are they gonna do, eat you alive?”

Hot take: Parents trying to be reassuring are the harbinger of every high school horror scenario.

More shadow play. I’m here for it.

“Delicious.”

Right?

I’m really excited for this movie. Movies that come out around Halloween are almost always designed to be the Worst Movies for Me to Watch, and maybe that’s why this seems like such a delight to me. On the other hand, I might just not be over how good Shaun of the Dead was. It started out as a satire of a zombie movie and ended up being the best and final word on zombie movies (Don’t @ me). I know this is a different movie, a different director, not to mention a different decade, but this trailer made me happy and I am 100% sure that that’s what a good movie trailer is supposed to do.

Happy Halloween everyone, you’ll find me eating candy corn out of a cereal bowl with a spoon tonight.

Trailer Breakdown for a Wrinkle in Time

The good news is that this year, the Disney D23 expo didn’t stop for breath. There was the Edna Mode feature, the bite-sized Wreck-It Ralph 2 teaser, the Star Wars Ep. VIII Behind-the-Scenes featurette, and way more. However, one bit of news caught my attention the most, and to no one’s surprise, I’m about to start yelling about it.

A Wrinkle in Time,  my long-time, all-time favorite book is being adapted for the big screen (in a second and hopefully better-fated attempt). I promise, I could not be more excited.

Feast your eyes on the official Wrinkle in Time trailer here, then head back here for circle time. I have one or two discussion points I want to go over.

Yeah, um, okay is it too early to start talking about symbolism?? And subtext??? Meg Murry, this wonderfully screwed-up girl who has such a huge image problem that she purposely exhausts her audience by never shutting up about it and picking fights at school because it’s the only thing she can think of to do with her personality help I’m shaking????

 

“What if we are here… for a reason?”

Oh my gosh. I literally could not be listening closer. Talk to me about greater purpose, I’ll eat it the hECK up

The cinematography is already making me cry, but through my joy-induce bleariness, I can tell that Calvin, mister-star-of-the-basketball-team is probably in this scene, staying hidden until he’s relevant (and aren’t we all).

“What if we are part of something truly divine?”

“Imagine! Ninety-one billion light years traveled – “

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this number has some special significance. Look, Mr. Murry, after a certain amount of “billions,” all normal people hear is “a lot.”

” – Like that.”

(Nightmare version of Sweet Dreams begins to play)

I wasn’t sure until this moment in the trailer, but I am over the moon that Disney has this movie taking the trippy route. This book wrote the book on trippy.

Starring the winter night sky in Animal Crossing: New Leaf

“Your father has accomplished something extraordinary.”

The book began after Everything With Dad™ went down, so I’m stoked we get to see Meg and her dad looking happy. That warms my heart.

Kay now let’s get to the spooky stuff

“Also dangerous.”

LOOK WHO JUST BECAME RELEVANT

Let me explain something real quick. I loved Wrinkle in Time and its characters for a number of reasons, but up there in the top ninety-one billion was how protective of each other Meg and Calvin become after 9.1 seconds of getting to know each other.

That in mind, I usually try not to include dark, cloudy screenshots in these breakdowns because a fading scene means it’s time to start thinking about the next scene, but I’m just not ready to stop thinking about this scene

Turn up your screen’s brightness, I’m talking about THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE

Okay, all right, there are more things that happen in the trailer. Like isolation and darkness.

“He’s trapped by a darkness…”

Hearing Oprah’s voice creeping through a voiceover is eerie and calming at once. I guess that’s what the book was all about.

“… That’s actively spreading throughout the universe.”

Still,  Oprah’s Book Club means something new to me now.

Here, we get our first look at Mindy Kaling as Mrs. Who, and the house of actual dreams.

Calvin and Meg make up exactly 2/3 of the people that I should see in this scene. #OperationFindCharlesWallace

“And the only one who can stop it -“

Mrs. Who is looking for Charles Wallace too

“Is you.”

MY GIRL

“Be a warrior.”

“I’ll try.”

MY *sniffs* GIRL

Mrs. Whatsit makes an appearance! Using her semi-psychic powers to find Charles? Time will tell.

Honestly the use of colors and sharp, angular imagery gives me a lot of hope that this movie is going to be the Dr. Strange of children’s science fiction movies. You know what I’m talking about?

I’m there.

Found: One six-year-old boy. Answers to Charles Wallace. Please tell his family and any concerned parties that he’s okay (except for the imminent danger)

Also Found: Three possible angels. Answer to light telepathy and quotations from long-dead poets.

Aunt Beast?? Malevolent creatures??? Various strange beings???? I’m sold I don’t even care

While I don’t know if anything or anyone will ever beat his performance as the Joker in Lego Batman, I’m still pretty fired up to see Zach Galifinakis play a walking pun.

The more landscape scenes we get, the more years are added to my life.

“You’re going to be tested every step of the way.”

HO BOY

These scenes are getting to be rapid-fire now. I’m kicking into brief-analysis mode. Calvin’s in trouble (probably because he and Meg are not holding hands)

Meg’s upset (probably because she and Calvin are not holding hands) and Charles Wallace is just sort of preparing for death

Mr. Jenkins is making the most Mr. Jenkins-esque face possible (confused, ill-tempered, and almost crying)

Chris Pine is in agony

“Trust nothing.”

The quick pace grinds to a halt as we enter the neighborhood from that one suburbia episode of X-Files, or maybe the neighborhood that Edward Scissorhands’ girlfriend was from. Or it could be place where Chuck  Bartowski and Sarah went undercover in their second season. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like, 1000% evil, and that’s all I know.

“Darling! Time for dinner!”

Do you think Charles Wallace wishes he were tall enough to be in any of the shots? Or do you think he’s above that kind of thinking?

“Are you lost?”

Literally or emotionally? (in either case, the answer is yes)

Me when people tell me I’m being too dramatic

In every shot of this trailer, Meg looks more ready to face monsters than she did in the last. Which, I think, makes Calvin’s expressions even better by comparison.

New Zealand is just the place to be if you want to be a magical creature fighting evil, I guess. Look out for hobbits.

The youngest Murry makes a final, fierce appearance to make sure you don’t forget that you wouldn’t have even MET any of these people if it weren’t for ME, Meg, you wanted to hide in the house and cry about drifters in the neighborhood and how you weren’t pretty enough and Mr. Jenkins hated you and oh my GOSH

“The only thing faster than light is the darkness.”

One cheerless quote to tie it all together.

On that note? Join me for a glorious story about love, family, and hope in the spring of 2018.

I’m gonna be there, and I’m gonna be screaming.

Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.

“The others – where are they?”

“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

“You’re the Batman?”

Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

We got Cyborg®™

The Fastest Man Alive (wheniwasachildisawmymotherkilledbysomethingimpossiblemy-fatherwenttoprisonforhermurderbutthenanaccidentmademetheimpossiblesecretlyiuse-myspeedtofightcrimeandfindotherslikemeandonedayillfindwhokilledmymother)

Wonderful Woman

and Big Boy

(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

“What are your superpowers again?”

“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

GLORIOUS.

“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

“Yeah!”

I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

It’s terminal

“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

It’s treasure planet

I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

“A boat!”

I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

“Hero of men.”

“Wh-What?”

“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

“Did not see that coming.”

“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

1. the splash coming off the high-five
2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
3. the hair frizz
4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

!

“They’re kinda cute!”

!!!!!!!!!

I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

Peaceful!

Charming!

Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

I’M READY.

“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

“I remember. I remember everything.”

“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

“Facial recognition got a hit.”

Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

some

BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

Number 3.

What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

“I volunteered because of a lie.”

More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

Like this. This is a good direction.

Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*

Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.

“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.

“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.

Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).

And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).

That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. 

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL

Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).

Give me inventing and reading and biting.

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give me

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket

Do my hands normally shake like this?

Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

2015 In Review

I don’t think anyone would disagree with me if I said 2015 was a fantastic year.

Sure, it had its share of tragedies just like any year, but also like any year, it was full of well-intentioned people who tried their best, grew stronger and closer together, and learned.

And the hover boards are great.

Early 2015 hoverboard prototype

I’m sure I don’t have to remind you all of the hover board unveiling of early February. There wasn’t a single dry eye in my household, I can tell you. This was the day we’d all waited for. Related, several reliable sources have hinted that Samsung is releasing their own brand of H-board in late 2016. Fingers crossed for lower prices? I could barely swing the cost of my first one, and with the early trials battery life, I can hardly even ride it anymore.

Doesn’t work as well over water – not enough power yet

Until then, we’ll have to stick with the single brand who has cornered the market. I’d have to say no one was surprised to see this kind of quality innovation come from Apple. It’s a great product, but I was disappointed to see that the navigational features were pretty off. Apple Maps was bad before it was connected to a moving vehicle. This nation-wide scourge of confused, levitating people is something to behold.

Of course, fashion styles were a surprise, to say the least. In 2014, everyone was talking about how seventies and eighties fashion styles were back and that “nothing was ever new.” 2015 begged to differ. Early spring saw people sporting iridescent sundresses, magic marker facial designs, and a frankly astonishing amount of plastic and velvet where neither plastic nor velvet should have been.

An average group of 2015 youth

At least it wasn’t until mid-autumn that the double-tie (regrettably) began to take hold.

A modern 2015 man

Some said triple-ties were going to make an appearance as well, but the people wearing those were outliers and should not have been counted.

The tragedies of the year should not be ignored, so I have to yet again offer my condolences to those affected by the Lawyer Purge. Though I try not to get involved in political affairs here on my blog, I think it was a disgusting act of negligence by the government to destroy thousands upon thousands of jobs when all the lawyers were abolished. Pro-Purgers insist that the judicial system is more swift than before, but at what price? The administration of justice has come to a screeching halt. Lawyers line the moving sidewalks, offering law advice in exchange for food. This is not what America is about. You know what? Don’t get me started.

A typical newspaper headline in 2015

That’s all I will say on the subject. I’m sorry to have brought politics into this, especially considering the truly glorious things that happened this year.

Among them? You guys know what I’m gonna say. I don’t think I’m alone in believing that Jaws 19 was the best yet. Sure, Jaws 5-18 all felt a bit rushed, but Jaws 19 absolutely knocked it out of the park.

One of the spectacular and innovative Jaws 19 ads

This time, it was really, really personal.

I feel proud of what I’ve accomplished this year, who I’ve become, and the dragons I’ve raised. Feel free to comment what the best moment of 2015 was for you! It’s been great being here with you as we bid another year a fond farewell.

Here’s to a bright and shiny 2016!

and Great Scott.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome

*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*

“So, how was the first day of school?”

“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”

Doo wee oooooo EEEE ooooo

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.

“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortable

“Ahem.”

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.

“AHEM”

A wild wife appears!

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.

“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.

Buddy.

“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Nailedit

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.

“School was great, all right?”

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.

“Riley! Is everything okay?”

“Uhhhhhhhgh”

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANT

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. 

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.

“Yeah, well, well-“

“Prepare the foot.”

“Keys to safety position!”

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.

Aaaaand nuclear.

“Just shut up!”

“Fire!”

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS

“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

Look at them. Putty. Try it today!

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieWHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

Trailer Breakdown for Jurassic World

I would appreciate it if I were a bit more stand-offish about this movie and therefore more condemning of Hollywood’s bad habit of re-vamping older movies. I would very much like to use this movie to look refined and hold it up as an example of an industry completely out of original ideas.

However, none of that changes the fact that I nearly vibrate with joy when I hear the Jurassic World’s take on the classic Jurassic Park score music. It certainly doesn’t change the fact that this movie looks so incredibly bomb. Gaze upon the glory that is the Jurassic World official trailer, and then come back here. I’ll tell you what I thought if you tell me what you thought.

Just kidding, I’ll tell you anyway.

“I’m really proud of you for going on this trip. You’re gonna have so much fun.”

I can’t help but agree with Universal that the best way to start off a cult classic sequel is with a beloved young character from a more recent cult classic sequel. Welcome, everyone’s-favorite-supporting-character-from-Iron-Man-3.

Do you smell anger and hormones? Don’t worry, we didn’t forget to toss you a hoodie-wearing, headphones-sporting teenager. Can you imagine? How would the kids relate?

“And remember! If something chases you – run.”

We’ve been here ten seconds and you are wasting no time establishing yourself as the worst person here. Well done. 

In case you’re getting nervous, there’s no need to worry – I’m sure there is very secure fencing for the water dinosaurs. How could this place get a permit any other way? *nervous laughter and sweating*

Activity: Enthusiastically remind your friends that this is exactly twenty-two years and one day after the release of Jurassic Park the first! Watch them slowly back away until they are out of sight!

Meet Gray, the example of the face you’re about to make.

aaaaaaaaaaa

My, my, my, what a body count.

Okay, let’s be real. Obvious danger, frankly ridiculous variables, and nay-saying common sense aside – I would pay SO MUCH MONEY FOR THIS

And actually, that’s the whole point isn’t it. I’m already going to pay so much money to go pretend to be there.

I can’t say I think that it’s a bad idea yet.

Now, Universal Studios knows what that what you really, really wanted was Jaws 5, so here’s their nod to you, you freaking weirdos.

OH SWEET SALLY GOod yes I wanted to be scared of the water again

No, I hadn’t just gotten over that. Thank you, thank you sincerely for this.

A moment of silence for all the smart phones being rushed to safety just moments too late. You were cut down in your prime.

Aaand straight ahead you’ll see the shot I’ve been waiting for.  

“We have learned more in the past decade from genetics than a century of digging up bones. A whole new frontier has opened up.

We have our first genetically-modified hybrid.”

“Foolproof,” Said all the biologists at once.

“You just went and made a new dinosaur?

Probably not a good idea.”

You needed to fly someone in to say that?

Does he get paid to advise on situations like this one?

in that case YES WELL DONE CHRIS YOU FIGURED IT OUT

YOU ARE TRULY A GOD AMONG MEN

“That wall’s forty feet high. You really think she climbed out?”

Yeah, you’re right, that seems impossible. It’s not like those claw marks reach the top of the wall and the animal you’re referring to is missing from her cage oh WAIT

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“What kind of dinosaur they cooked up in that lab.”

Okay, see what I’m saying? This is not rocket science. How do I get on this cutie’s career path?

Hey, kid, souvenirs are extra. Just because Stark gave you a laboratory doesn’t mean you’re entitled to everything else in the free world. Before you say so, you and the dinosaur are not “connected.”

“Evacuate the island.”

(More of that Jaws 5 action for you crazy kids. Close the beach? Why would we do that, we could NEVER)

Pro tip: if you ever find yourself in a job situation where your surroundings look like the game-makers’ quarters from the Hunger Games, you’re probably doing something terribly wrong.

“She’s a highly intelligent animal.

After all, homeboy Star-Lord knows a thing or two about genetically modified animals with homicidal tendencies (given, however, his experience has mostly come of dealing with  smaller woodland creatures).

♪♬It’s rainin’ men

I’m so sorry I knew as soon as I typed that that it was out of line I’m so so sorry that’s actually super gross ew I’m so sorry

Can we put that last bit behind us? I give you instead, Chris Pratt dressed like Indiana-Jones-meets-Han-Solo and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like she hasn’t noticed yet.

If you’re still carrying that rifle, I got news for you

Well, you may have lost the firearm, but at least you’re probably minutes away from being consumed by a terrible lizard. You lose some, you almost win others.

She’ll kill anything that moves.”

Admittedly not usually a statement that follows a remark about a creature’s intelligence, but hey, maybe it should be.

“Oh God.”

Let’s address the real issue here. You couldn’t avoid making an arts and crafts dinosaur, that’s a given, but you couldn’t have made a little one? Maybe a slow-moving herbivore? More importantly, why didn’t you make a Toothless?

Seriously, if you had the funding and know-how to create Toothless and/or ride-able dragons and you chose not to, then you deserve whatever happens to you in this movie.

I’m feeling less okay about that statement, but I stand by it.

The worst part is like half of these people lost their smartphones to the splash zone in scene five, so no one’s even going to believe them when if they get back home. Think of the vines that went to waste.

Oh and speaking of, my little buddy seems to have lost his headphones. Probably forever, judging by the circumstances. Now how are we going to be able to tell who the melodramatic teenager is?

“Run!”

Maybe the mother at the beginning of the trailer was on to something after all?

*Raptor noises*

no she most definitely was not you stay still and silent Gray I need you to be safe

Yes, oh my goodness, it feels like I just dug this movie out on VHS along with a ton of other movies I didn’t know I had and I  LOVE IT

Sure, okay, the raptors are being let out of their cages horse-race style. Terrifying, yeah, but don’t even worry about it, boys.

2015’s Han Solo never stops guarding our galaxy.

Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”

Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”

this went from zero to sad real quick buddy

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes)

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? 

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?

Craigslist ad?

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… 

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”

All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?

“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.

Really.

“Cinderella!”

See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”

If you’re not running away, what are you doing?

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THAT

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”

“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”

“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.

“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.

what are you doi

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUS

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.

“You shall not go to the ball.”

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.

“Who are you?”

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”

“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?

Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be 

fine

One job.

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.

I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.

Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.

Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. 

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.

“They’re all looking at you,”

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.

Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.

#DANGITMYCURFEW

♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬

And where there is goodness, there is magic.”

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.

“No!”

♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.

“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?

Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.

“Are you looking for this?”

Love is an open doooor

Life could be so much mooore – with you.

with YOU!
That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)