Tag Archives: Frozen

Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

19 Nov

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”

Cinder_1

Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.

cinder_2

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
cinder_3 cinder_4

this went from zero to sad real quick buddycinder_5

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes) cinder_7

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? cinder_8

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*cinder_9

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?cinder_10

Craigslist ad?cinder_11

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… cinder_12

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”cinder_13

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”cinder_14

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”
cinder_16

cinder_17

All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?
cinder_18

“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.

dirtyella

Really.
cinder_19

“Cinderella!”

See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”
cinder_20 cinder_21

If you’re not running away, what are you doing?cinder_22

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THATcinder_23

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.cinder_24

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”dirtyellacinder_25

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.cinder_26

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”cinder_28

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”

cinder_31

“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”

cinder_32

“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.
cinder_33

“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.
Cinder_35

what are you doicindeR_37

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUScinder_38

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.cindeR_39

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.cinder_40

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”cinder_41

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.cinder_42

“You shall not go to the ball.”cindeR_43

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!cinder_44

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.
cinder_45

“Who are you?”cinder_46

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”
cinder_47

“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?
cinder_48

Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be cindeR_49

fine
cinder_50

cinder_51

One job.cinder_52

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
cinder_53 cinder_54 cinder_55

I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.cinder_56

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.

cinder_57

Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.cinder_58

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.

cinder_59

Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.cinder_60

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.cinder_61

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”cinder_62

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.cinder_63 cinder_64

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)
cinder_65

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. cinder_66

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.cinder_67

“They’re all looking at you,”cinder_68

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.
cinder_69

Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.cinder_72

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.cinder_73

#DANGITMYCURFEW

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♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬

cinder_76

And where there is goodness, there is magic.”cinder_78

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.cinder_79

“No!”cinder_80

♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.
cinder_81

“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?

cinder_83

Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.cinder_84

“Are you looking for this?”cinder_85

Love is an open doooorcinder_86

Life could be so much mooore – with you.
cinder_87

with YOU!
cinder_88That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)

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Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 4

18 Nov

Looking for work in this economy (really, any economy) is a less-than-pleasurable task.

You may well find that you need a more streamlined job field, one that lists jobs that apply to a specific type of career-seeking person. That’s the purpose of this series –  to find out which fictional careers best suit you and I.  Part 1, part 2, and part 3 covered seventeen of them, but the supply is not nearly exhausted. Join me as I widen my job search to include seven new occupations.

Commander

Upside: You are picked for this occupation because you can kick butt  better than anyone else, not to mention you make sure that the butt kickee never bothers you again. As evidenced by the gif, whatever you do, you look wicked awesome doing it, [spoiler alert] and you can defeat an entire race of supposedly hostile aliens. All this at the ripe old age of twelve. Go you!

Downside: Supposedly hostile. Supposedly. And genocide is not typically something you want on a twelve-year-old conscience, even if you were tricked into it. Congratulations, you’re three-quarters of the way to having a full physical and emotional breakdown. (For those of you who saw the movie, here is where you may recall that Asa Butterfield [Ender] was on the verge of tears for the better part of two hours)

Burglar

Upside: Well, if you’re of the Hobbit Burglar division, then your upside becomes lovely indeed. Travel, adventure, new… friends companions (?). The chance to prove to others that you’re no ordinary hobbit, and that you still have some Tookish blood in you. And then, when it’s all over, you have the immense pleasure of still being just as Hobbit-ish as you were before, smoking pipes, drinking tea, and being cuddly.

Downside: Those new companions I mentioned earlier are rarely (though occasionally) people you would call up again after your initial adventure. Also, they are occasionally dragons. And at some point in your very, very dangerous adventures, you will find yourself thinking of your comfortable rocking chair in your comfortable Hobbit-hole. (It won’t be the last time you think it.)

Blogger

Upside: Flexible hours – you current bloggers know this bit already. Also, if you do it right, you can set yourself up with a nice flatmate who does enough interesting things to keep your blog readable and intriguing. You feel things deeply and care for the people around you. As a result, you are a treasured friend.

Downside: As I said, emotions run deep with you. Grief, then, must be among those – it manifests itself in different ways according to the occasion, of course. But whether it shows up in the form of PTSD or an unexpected mustache, it’s never a pleasant situation. And your best friend is dead. Or maybe just very deceptive. Or maybe just scared of your mustache.

The Dark One

Upside: Extensive use and mastery of magic. Capable of occasional strong bursts of feeling. Sweet-looking dagger with your name on it. 

Downside: That’s it. Those are the only things that will ever go well with you. I hope you’re okay with every single aspect of the rest of your life going straight down the nearest gutter. You have a nasty curse on you, you run around tearing people’s hearts out, no one trusts you even when you do have a burst of feeling (except for that one person you kidnapped, you monster), and your skin looks that of a slimy basketball. How did that happen? And don’t even get me started on your family tree. *goes off on a rant*

Member of VFD

Upside: Access to a wealth of codes and knowledge held only by Volunteers. The power to do a lot of good in the world.  A very cool tattoo is even included in the deal (or at least, it was before the schism) and you are provided with a, shall we say, unusual education that often commences with your being dragged by the ankles from your home. You might think that belongs in the downside area, but… yeah, actually, it probably does.

Downside: Your, shall we say, unusual education often commences with your being dragged, by the ankles, from your home. And all that power to do good is inevitably misconstrued by fellow members as the power to do the other thing. With this career comes a lot of weeping, sobbing, wailing, crying, and the creation of many miserable books.

Incredibly Handsome Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy

Upside: (said in a louder voice) Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. You know all you need to. Fit and strangely charismatic, blue skin (upside or downside?), necktie-shaped facial hair, massive brain, just enough of a misunderstood hero to appeal to the masses, and a  very large potential for doing good, if you can be convinced (and you can be) to turn your life around.

Downside: If you choose not to turn your life around, you will find yourself spiraling downward in a very Dr. Horrible-esque fashion. And, in the immortal words of Megamind himself, “I’m the bad guy! I don’t save the day, I don’t fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get the girl.”

Snow-Enthusiastic Queen

Upside: According to the two snow-enthusiastic queens that come to mind, your homelands of choice are either Narnia or the animated world of Disney. Holla! Lots of power of the governing-people type, enough without having to mention that you can also control ice and snow, and therefore have the ability to make one heck of an awesome-looking castle. Also? Snowmen all year long.

Downside: You’re rarely a good person, and if you are deep down, you’re certainly going through something of a rough patch. If you can control your ice-making ability, then you have a good chance of being inclined to become an irredeemably evil and creepy murderess (just from what I’ve seen), and if you cannot control your ice-making, then, well, you are probably just having a really bad time and are estranged from your kingdom and family (just from what I’ve seen).

However, there’s a score of other queens to choose from if “queen” remains your preferred career path. You may look into being a step-mother queen. That’s a road well-traveled, and you’ll have a lot of other people’s experience to learn from.

This concludes today’s look at the work field. I know that I have forgotten or overlooked a few, and if you recall them, I would love to know what they are! Some of today’s occupations were suggestions, because, as I have discovered, I do not think of everything.

It’s very inconvenient.

Or, on the flipside, if I have encouraged you to pursue a certain line of work, then once again, I’d love to hear about it.

Happy hunting!

Trailer Breakdown for Frozen

27 Sep

Yesterday, the trailer for Disney’s Frozen was released. Suffice to say I was a little excited, having been checking for this trailer nearly every day for something like three weeks. I like my Disney movies. But now that I’ve seen the trailer seventy times, it’s time to subject it to the breakdown.

If you haven’t seen the trailer yet, you can watch it here, and then you can come on back and analyze it with me.

[Dramatic voice-over]
F_1

“Summer in the city of Rivendell Arendelle: it couldn’t be warmer.”

That actually sounds pretty unpleasant.
F_2

“It couldn’t be sunnier.”

Why are all those people wearing long sleeves?
F_3

“But that’s about to change.”

Does anyone here know how to dress for the weather?F_4

“Forever.”

Oh, now, she’s wearing a sleeveless dress. Now that she’s on top of a mountain shooting sparkly ice out of her hands. I guess you do what you want when you’re queen.

F_7

I mean, if we’ve learned anything from the Chronicles of Narnia, it’s that queens have a propensity for cold, right?

And hey, everyone’s gonna be happy they’re already wearing winter clothes.F_8

“Coldcoldcoldcoldcold”

Except this fool.

Anna, honey, you gonna catch your death of cold.

F_9

Is anything fandom-related not happening in November? And don’t say Sherlock. We don’t need that kind of negativity here.F_10

Introducing: this obligatory Disney white horse and its incompetent rider.F_11

… Who has yet to figure out the mechanics of a jacket. I mean, come on. It’s snowing.f_12

“Really?”

Really.

f_13

F_14

“If we don’t do something soon, we’ll all freeze to death!”F_15

“You want to talk about a problem? I sell ice for a living.”F_17

“Ooh, that’s a rough business to be in right now! I mean that is really –

F_18

That’s unfortunate.”

Look at the pain on Ice Guy’s face. How could you be so insensitive, Anna?

F_19

We could ignore the horse’s expression, but I’d rather not. What is that?F_20

I’m going with “up to something.”

Disney animals are the biggest shippers of us all, folks.
F_21

“This is awkward. Not you’re awkward, but just cos we’re –F_22

I’m awkward. You’re gorgeous.F_23

Wait, what?”

Ladies and gentlemen, if you were looking for a way to identify with Anna, then there you go. We’re done here.
F_24

No.F_25

“Hi, everyone! I’m Olaf.”

In case you haven’t seen it, the original teaser for this film was a plot-free, human-free, dialogue-free two minutes of this little jerk fighting with a reindeer over a carrot, Ice Age-Scrat style. I think that’s enough backstory to explain why I may be a little hostile towards him.

F_26

Let’s all just appreciate the freckles for a second.
F_27

“I know how to stop this winter.”F_28

Ice Guy has a sweet ride. How much does the ice business pay?

“I like fast!”F_29

“WHOA WHOA whoawhoawhoa. Get your feet down. This is fresh lacquer.F_30

Seriously, were you raised in a barn?”

If no one else is gonna say it, I will.

F_31

“Let’s go bring back summer!”

Said the snowman.

Doesn’t something about that seem wrong to you?

F_32 F_33

“Wolves!”

Thank you, Ice Guy. I was curious about those feral, canine animals.F_34

“Duck!”

Mandolin: the new frying pan?F_35

“Oh mama, I have got to get me one of these!”F_38

“Are you okay?”

“I’ve got a thick skull.”

Ice Guy, you’re adorable.F_39

“I don’t have a skull.”

NO ONE ASKED YOU OLAFF_40

If you make a snowman joke, I will lose my mind.

F_41

gah.F_42

“Now we just have to survive this blizzard!”F_61

“That’s no blizzard!”F_43

F_60

“That’s my sister!”

Well, I guess you could say her sister Elsa is a… cold mess.

Get it? Like, not a hot mess, but a… You know what, forget it.

Look at Olaf’s smug little face.  Ice Guy had to carry him. Ice Guy has to carry a snowman through a snowstorm. 

F_45

“It is not nice to throw snowpeople!”F_46

Anna, even this bionicle snowman is frustrated that you’re defending that guy.F_47

There’s November again. Taunting us.F_48

“Olaf, you’re melting!”

Elsa, your voice doesn’t have any of the joy that I would think would go with that sentence. I’m concerned.

F_49

“Some people are worth melting for.”

Wait, snowman/sorceress pairing? Is that legal?

F_50

awesomeF_51

scene

F_52

montageF_53

“Olaf!”F_54

“Hang in there, guys!”

DANGIT OLAF

F_55

I am so far beyond excited for this movie.
F_56

“I can’t feel my legs! I can’t feel my legs!”

Olaf, you are MADE OF SNOW

“Those are my legs.”
F_57

“Oh, hey, do me a favor and grab my butt!”F_58

Did you justF_59Ice Guy,  you’re just encouraging him.