Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.

“The others – where are they?”

“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

“You’re the Batman?”

Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

We got Cyborg®™

The Fastest Man Alive (wheniwasachildisawmymotherkilledbysomethingimpossiblemy-fatherwenttoprisonforhermurderbutthenanaccidentmademetheimpossiblesecretlyiuse-myspeedtofightcrimeandfindotherslikemeandonedayillfindwhokilledmymother)

Wonderful Woman

and Big Boy

(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

“What are your superpowers again?”

“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

GLORIOUS.

“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

“Yeah!”

I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

Post Traumatic SDCC Disorder

One week ago,  the very foundations of California were shaken by a single, unified fan scream.

If you live anywhere near an internet connection, I bet that you felt it too.

San Diego Comic-Con 2014.

Seeing as there’s no need to drop the ball on nerd-knowledge just because I was not present, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite bits from the convention. Therefore? Coming to you from that room of dreams, Hall H, here is some of the best of SDCC 2014.

• Chris Hardwick, Crown Prince of the nerds (and the person you wish you were), took the selfie to end all selfies with the one and only DC trinity.

You’re looking at Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman posing for a picture taken by Marty McFly.

What a time to be alive.

• The Avengers: Age of Ultron panel featured a gloriously skilled and surprisingly long table of Avengers, and the angels cheered (though their voices were obscured by those of the hyperventilating fans in the crowd below).

Notable events included Chris Hemsworth’s announcement of intent to turn into the female Thor in an upcoming adaption (“I don’t want to jinx it, but this might be my oscar”), Robert Downey Jr’s gift of roses to the audience and to the lady cast members, and Josh Brolin (or as we know him, Thanos) making a surprise appearance for the sole purpose of fanfare and eating one of Downey’s proffered roses.

All very normal things.

• The Agents of SHIELD panel, (a show which outgrew its name in no more than twenty-two episodes)graced us all by releasing a gag reel.
• And later, still during the AoS panel, a teaser was shown (not available unless you’re a level seven agent) in which it was revealed that a Bobbi Morse was going to be joining the SHIELD roster.

Bobbi Morse? you ask. Wait, Mockingbird? You continue, standing up, your voice getting more frantic and excited. Sweet baby Moses, are you kidding me right now? you scream into the late afternoon sun as you spontaneously sprout wings and take off, startling your friends and family. Hawkeye crossovers aheadddd is the last thing your loved ones hear as you disappear over the horizon.

I know right I’m so excited too

• Since you couldn’t be there, Mark Ruffalo took the liberty of acting just like you would have in reaction to the range of celebrities present.

Living legend.

And, though it wasn’t officially related to the world’s biggest geek-fest, one has to question its convenient timing –

• Test footage leaked for that movie you want so badly.

“Test footage” people keep reminding us. “As in – not an actual movie. Not yet. Maybe not ever. This is test footage.”

To which, of course, fans collectively replied, “I can’t hear you,” before turning back to our friends and screaming “DEADPOOL” over and over again. All that leaked footage has largely been reclaimed by Fox on copyright grounds, but considering that few things are ever scrubbed form the internet, there are still a couple of places you can look. (Warnings: Strong language, and, hey, it’s Deadpool: violence)

• And of course, we may not forget the fantastically talent-crammed Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies panel.

Such a long panel, but the highlights as far as I am concerned involved Gollum impressions from Andy Serkis, an expression of interest in a LOTR-flavored museum with original props, and an analysis of how surprisingly attractive Elf ears can be (as if that was news to anyone).

As per the event, there were questions for the panelists: “Where would you take Smaug at the Comic-Con?” asked one fan. Benedict Cumberbatch, ever the charmingly insulting gentleman, made a face and replied “Probably Hall H. I don’t think he’d fit in anywhere else.”

I feel like one or two people might want to disagree, but considering that a good chunk of people probably dressed up as the menacing dragon, it seems a fair enough remark.

It takes all kinds at SDCC, so obviously there was much more to the convention; but these have been the parts that got me in the send-all-caps-texts-to-everyone-in-your-contact-list mood.

Pretty apparently, I didn’t make it this year. Maybe you didn’t either, if you felt compelled to come here to learn these things.

We didn’t make it this time. That’s okay. Not even Joss Whedon went this year. It’s okay to skip every now and then.

But let’s not make it a habit.

See you next year, fanpeople.

The Daredevil Dark Knight

In every season of BBC’s Doctor who, there are a few monsters who are, put mildly, no one’s favorite. Among them are the face-absorbing Jabba-the-Hut guy, the green nudists with flatulence issues, and the pig slaves. Yes, pig slaves. 

Don’t ask.

In my case, these, and a couple of the other aliens, were viewed and then subsequently pushed into the dark corner of my brain that never sees the light of day. However, I recently received news that brought one of them out to the front of my mind.

Anybody remember this guy?

This is a Reaper. Reapers exist out of time, and when there is a disturbance in time, like a paradox, a Reaper may appear and try to fix the time disturbance by attacking and eating every living thing in sight.

And it looks like a pokemon. But we’re not going there.

Why am I reminded of this particular monster today? Some of the biggest news to come out of this year’s San Diego Comic-Con was the Batman/Superman team-up movie. Henry Cavill, who played Superman in the recently-released Man of Steel, has been cast as Superman in this film. However, it is common knowledge that Christian Bale, the only Batman that everyone can agree on, is not interested in playing the caped crusader again. Zack Snyder, the movie’s director, would have to cast someone to play Christian Bale playing Batman.

This brings us to now. Ladies and gentlemen, Snyder has announced that Ben Affleck (Also known as Marvel’s Daredevil) will be playing Christian Bale Batman. And not just Batman – a new Batman. A reboot Batman. A re-invented Batman for the generation that has already seen a re-invented Batman.

And just like that, the DC cinematic timeline fumbled around ungracefully and fell over with a thud.

And then the Reapers came and devoured every living thing in sight.

Now, I know that this sounds like a complaint, but I’m not complaining. In fact, I am delighted.

Do you guys realize what this means?

DC’s timeline is finally almost as screwed up as Marvel’s! The myriad inconsistencies in the X-Men films (she said, tip-toeing around the Spider-man issue) still outweigh this little double-Dark Knight debacle, but I’m sure this is just the beginning. No franchise is truly safe.

But anyway, I think Ben Affleck is a good actor and will play a superb Batman (even if he doesn’t turn out to be the “the only Batman that everyone can agree on”). I just hope he, Superman, and all the DC fanboys and girls will be able to hold their own against the Reapers: winged, paradox-consuming abominations of the CGI industry.

I mean, last time, it took a Time Lord.

Weak

Last night, I found out that my youth leader follows comic books. I probably shouldn’t score people, but I do, so I have no shame in saying this was absolutely an instance where his points went up. Fantastic job, good sir. 

We were talking about superheroes, and he brought up why he doesn’t like Superman (I’m not trying to start a rumble, Superman superfans. Just stating opinions over here). He said he thought DC had a god complex with their heroes, illustrated when Superman died and came back to life, and how he doesn’t really have weaknesses – he has a weakness (kryptonite [which just so happens to be only native to a dead planet]). Because of his strength, Superman became less interesting to him.

I understood, but the very fact that I understood struck me as ironic. I mean, the main reason that people are attracted to superheroes is that they are so much stronger than us. They can do the things we only dream of doing – they can fly, teleport, draw adamantium claws out of their fists (That’s not just me, is it? Who doesn’t want claws? Claws are fabulous.), and so on. But we don’t want them to be too strong. We want even our heroes to be flawed and messy.

Spider-man is one of the world’s most popular superheroes, and he could not be more different from Superman. No one thanks Spider-man for saving the day, he is consistently broke, and he is generally thought of as one of the criminals that he pursues. And yet, he is just as popular with readers as an invulnerable man from Krypton whom everyone loves.

[Excuse me while I take a rabbit trail that I promise applies] Ask any person why they enjoy the company of their friends, and one of the answers will definitely include the things that they have in common.

We love to identify with people. The joy of having someone know what you mean to say even when you can’t find the words to say it is fantastic.

Even with all the people in the world, we still tend to be surprised when we find someone who has something in common with us. And we adore it. Misery may love company, but so does happiness, so does love, and so do we.

We search for people who remind us of us. And we want our fictional heroes to be the same way. Obviously, not everyone has shrapnel trying every second to cut its way into their hearts, but we can still identify with many of Iron Man’s struggles. Most of us are not battling a past full of treachery, but we can still find a bit of us in the Black Widow. Not everyone of us is an orphan, but Batman still speaks to us in some small way.

Because they are broken.

Because we are broken.

Because no matter how much we try to improve upon ourselves, we will always have infirmities, and we want to see someone with our infirmities prove that we can overcome them. As the good book says,

“I am glad to boast in my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9

People are ridiculously diverse, but we all have one thing in common – we are weak. Some of us fancy that we are weaker than some and stronger than others, but not a single one of us is perfect, every one of us is weak. If we weren’t, strength would be so much less marvelous. We would not find it spectacular that a drug addict turned her life around and got clean, or that a father returned to his abandoned family, or that a community banded together, despite their differences, and did something good.

Light shines brightest in the dark, and the strength God has given us is all the more remarkable in weakness.

We can be strong, not despite our weaknesses, but because of them.

So be strong, be dazzling, and be a superhero.

And have a nice day.

 

Disclaimer: Yes, I understand that nearly every superhero ever ever ever has died and come back to life. Hey, someone’s got to make money off of serial comic books, yeah?