Trailer Breakdown for Slaughterhouse Rulez

Happy Sunday! This trailer came out last week, but I only watched it this morning, so as far as I’m concerned, the announcement has begun anew. I’ve only recently become a devoted enthusiast of Everything-Simon-Pegg-and-Nick-Frost, so this preview has come to me right in the middle of the honeymoon phase. I’m loving it.

Join me! Take a look yourself by clicking here for the official trailer, then come back here for a much, much closer look at Slaughterhouse Rulez.

We open on a large and unnecessarily pretentious school somewhere in England. Let’s see if anything, anything at all, bears a resemblance to some other serialized story that many of us have seen twelve years of trailers for.

“Did you get my note about the no-go areas?”

An authoritative school  official wearing an anachronistic robe. Okay, okay.

“Um,”

I have to say, when the first shot of the plucky young heroes is of them screaming and running, my interest always goes up about 23%. It’s something to do with Psych, I think.

“I cannot have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night.”

So, students in distinctly-colored ties are sneaking out of their high school dorms in the middle of the night to be terrified of various things in the forest. These nods are getting pretty Blues-Clues-level in difficulty, right?

Terrorism Response Level: Heightened

“These things always end up in a bloody mess.”

“Welcome, all, to Slaughterhouse!”

Anyway. I think we all know. The first class of Murder Hogwarts is in session. Though to be fair, with the injury rate of regular Hogwarts, the “Murder” bit might be redundant.

I love the emotions on display in our first clear view of the main characters. I was stoked to see Asa Butterfield was in this movie, and honestly? I can think of no better pupil for Murder Hogwarts than Ender Wiggins. That’s my bOY right there

“This is the school pecking order: at the top, we have the Bat.”

And they have… bats? If this is how names are assigned, I want to be called the leather satchel

“In the middle, Clemsie Lawrence.”

Okay, so it’s clearly not the only criteria for the name. Unless this chick has a smaller girl named Clemsie she carries around all the time. Which would be rad.

“Watch where you’re looking.”

Do you guys remember that part in A Very Potter Musical where Draco just rolls around on the ground for like twenty minutes? If they don’t keep that part in, I swear I’ll

“And then, down at the bottom, Whitton.”

“Who’s Whitton?”

“That’s Whitton.”

“Hello.”

Everyone out of the way. I’m taking care of Whitton now.

And in case you thought I missed an opportunity, I’m not going to say he “must be a Weasley” because, quite frankly, it’s 2018. We can’t keep doing this.

“I’m afraid Mr. Prague will be unable to teach today, or ever again. He died here. Alone.

Anyway!”

Oh my gosh I love this. And anyway, the turnover rate at this school means that Simon Pegg’s character should make principal by the end of the term, so why shouldn’t he be smiling?

“There’s something in the woods!”

Everything’s in the woods. Have you ever seen the woods? What about Dateline? Have you ever seen Dateline? Don’t go in the woods

Look. Here’s my idea. Take car. Go to mum’s. Kill Mr. Prague, grab Whitton, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

“What the devil…”

Putting characters on the wrong side of caution tape is the sixth love language that only film directors have.

“That hole… It’s a gateway.

Is that one of those “Anonymous” masks?

And it leads straight… down…

I think it is. He’s like an edgy twitter avatar.

To hell.

Next he’s gonna tell us capitalism is a prison.

Now! Who wants to buy some drugs?”

Nick Frost is a star and I love him

That’s in two months, by the way, who wants to carve pumpkins with me, please,

“They just ate half the upper sixth!”

Our second shot of the monster is such a classic shadow shot that I’m almost led to ignore the sticks holding up its lower jaws.

Course, I don’t think anything is holding up this guy’s jaws at all.

Did you guys like that joke? I didn’t even plan it! It just spilled out! I am so happy it ended up that way with the shots I included that I barely care that it was a very dumb and sort-of-obvious joke! What an absolute pleasure!

“Now we can blow shit up?”

Whitton!

“Language, Whitton!”

Thank you, Simon! He’s like two years old! Careful what he’s exposed to!

ah

I! Love! This!

“Children! Save yourselves!”

I!! Hate!! This!!

“To the Skoda!”

Yes… that will… save you… If you don’t friggin blow a tire pulling out of the driveway…

such quality vehicles… love em…

“Hurry!”

“I’m going as fast as I can! You’re making me nervous!”

(Roaring)

(Screaming)

“Seatbelts, everyone.”

“Stop worrying! What are they gonna do, eat you alive?”

Hot take: Parents trying to be reassuring are the harbinger of every high school horror scenario.

More shadow play. I’m here for it.

“Delicious.”

Right?

I’m really excited for this movie. Movies that come out around Halloween are almost always designed to be the Worst Movies for Me to Watch, and maybe that’s why this seems like such a delight to me. On the other hand, I might just not be over how good Shaun of the Dead was. It started out as a satire of a zombie movie and ended up being the best and final word on zombie movies (Don’t @ me). I know this is a different movie, a different director, not to mention a different decade, but this trailer made me happy and I am 100% sure that that’s what a good movie trailer is supposed to do.

Happy Halloween everyone, you’ll find me eating candy corn out of a cereal bowl with a spoon tonight.

Trailer Breakdown for a Wrinkle in Time

The good news is that this year, the Disney D23 expo didn’t stop for breath. There was the Edna Mode feature, the bite-sized Wreck-It Ralph 2 teaser, the Star Wars Ep. VIII Behind-the-Scenes featurette, and way more. However, one bit of news caught my attention the most, and to no one’s surprise, I’m about to start yelling about it.

A Wrinkle in Time,  my long-time, all-time favorite book is being adapted for the big screen (in a second and hopefully better-fated attempt). I promise, I could not be more excited.

Feast your eyes on the official Wrinkle in Time trailer here, then head back here for circle time. I have one or two discussion points I want to go over.

Yeah, um, okay is it too early to start talking about symbolism?? And subtext??? Meg Murry, this wonderfully screwed-up girl who has such a huge image problem that she purposely exhausts her audience by never shutting up about it and picking fights at school because it’s the only thing she can think of to do with her personality help I’m shaking????

 

“What if we are here… for a reason?”

Oh my gosh. I literally could not be listening closer. Talk to me about greater purpose, I’ll eat it the hECK up

The cinematography is already making me cry, but through my joy-induce bleariness, I can tell that Calvin, mister-star-of-the-basketball-team is probably in this scene, staying hidden until he’s relevant (and aren’t we all).

“What if we are part of something truly divine?”

“Imagine! Ninety-one billion light years traveled – “

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this number has some special significance. Look, Mr. Murry, after a certain amount of “billions,” all normal people hear is “a lot.”

” – Like that.”

(Nightmare version of Sweet Dreams begins to play)

I wasn’t sure until this moment in the trailer, but I am over the moon that Disney has this movie taking the trippy route. This book wrote the book on trippy.

Starring the winter night sky in Animal Crossing: New Leaf

“Your father has accomplished something extraordinary.”

The book began after Everything With Dad™ went down, so I’m stoked we get to see Meg and her dad looking happy. That warms my heart.

Kay now let’s get to the spooky stuff

“Also dangerous.”

LOOK WHO JUST BECAME RELEVANT

Let me explain something real quick. I loved Wrinkle in Time and its characters for a number of reasons, but up there in the top ninety-one billion was how protective of each other Meg and Calvin become after 9.1 seconds of getting to know each other.

That in mind, I usually try not to include dark, cloudy screenshots in these breakdowns because a fading scene means it’s time to start thinking about the next scene, but I’m just not ready to stop thinking about this scene

Turn up your screen’s brightness, I’m talking about THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE

Okay, all right, there are more things that happen in the trailer. Like isolation and darkness.

“He’s trapped by a darkness…”

Hearing Oprah’s voice creeping through a voiceover is eerie and calming at once. I guess that’s what the book was all about.

“… That’s actively spreading throughout the universe.”

Still,  Oprah’s Book Club means something new to me now.

Here, we get our first look at Mindy Kaling as Mrs. Who, and the house of actual dreams.

Calvin and Meg make up exactly 2/3 of the people that I should see in this scene. #OperationFindCharlesWallace

“And the only one who can stop it -“

Mrs. Who is looking for Charles Wallace too

“Is you.”

MY GIRL

“Be a warrior.”

“I’ll try.”

MY *sniffs* GIRL

Mrs. Whatsit makes an appearance! Using her semi-psychic powers to find Charles? Time will tell.

Honestly the use of colors and sharp, angular imagery gives me a lot of hope that this movie is going to be the Dr. Strange of children’s science fiction movies. You know what I’m talking about?

I’m there.

Found: One six-year-old boy. Answers to Charles Wallace. Please tell his family and any concerned parties that he’s okay (except for the imminent danger)

Also Found: Three possible angels. Answer to light telepathy and quotations from long-dead poets.

Aunt Beast?? Malevolent creatures??? Various strange beings???? I’m sold I don’t even care

While I don’t know if anything or anyone will ever beat his performance as the Joker in Lego Batman, I’m still pretty fired up to see Zach Galifinakis play a walking pun.

The more landscape scenes we get, the more years are added to my life.

“You’re going to be tested every step of the way.”

HO BOY

These scenes are getting to be rapid-fire now. I’m kicking into brief-analysis mode. Calvin’s in trouble (probably because he and Meg are not holding hands)

Meg’s upset (probably because she and Calvin are not holding hands) and Charles Wallace is just sort of preparing for death

Mr. Jenkins is making the most Mr. Jenkins-esque face possible (confused, ill-tempered, and almost crying)

Chris Pine is in agony

“Trust nothing.”

The quick pace grinds to a halt as we enter the neighborhood from that one suburbia episode of X-Files, or maybe the neighborhood that Edward Scissorhands’ girlfriend was from. Or it could be place where Chuck  Bartowski and Sarah went undercover in their second season. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like, 1000% evil, and that’s all I know.

“Darling! Time for dinner!”

Do you think Charles Wallace wishes he were tall enough to be in any of the shots? Or do you think he’s above that kind of thinking?

“Are you lost?”

Literally or emotionally? (in either case, the answer is yes)

Me when people tell me I’m being too dramatic

In every shot of this trailer, Meg looks more ready to face monsters than she did in the last. Which, I think, makes Calvin’s expressions even better by comparison.

New Zealand is just the place to be if you want to be a magical creature fighting evil, I guess. Look out for hobbits.

The youngest Murry makes a final, fierce appearance to make sure you don’t forget that you wouldn’t have even MET any of these people if it weren’t for ME, Meg, you wanted to hide in the house and cry about drifters in the neighborhood and how you weren’t pretty enough and Mr. Jenkins hated you and oh my GOSH

“The only thing faster than light is the darkness.”

One cheerless quote to tie it all together.

On that note? Join me for a glorious story about love, family, and hope in the spring of 2018.

I’m gonna be there, and I’m gonna be screaming.

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

It’s terminal

“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

It’s treasure planet

I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

“A boat!”

I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

“Hero of men.”

“Wh-What?”

“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

“Did not see that coming.”

“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

1. the splash coming off the high-five
2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
3. the hair frizz
4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

!

“They’re kinda cute!”

!!!!!!!!!

I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

Peaceful!

Charming!

Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

I’M READY.

“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

“I remember. I remember everything.”

“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

“Facial recognition got a hit.”

Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

some

BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

Number 3.

What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

“I volunteered because of a lie.”

More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

Like this. This is a good direction.

Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

Trailer Breakdown for Zootopia

Breaking from my regular trailer breakdown pattern, I have to admit this isn’t a new preview. But I’m here, and come on – it’s Disney. My true love. So we are going to press pause on this Thursday and break down this trailer. Haven’t seen the official preview already? Take a peek and hop back here (Look! my first animal-related joke of this post. What a milestone) and let’s get started.

You know, even being Disney, I was hesitant about this at first, especially with the first pseudo-trailer that explained the word “anthropomorphic” to audiences everywhere.

Because I’m no fool – with a new Disney movie comes fandom. With new fandom comes cosplay. And in this case,

“Zootopia.

with cosplay come fursuits. And as it always must be, with fursuits comes my long-standing fear and/or general discomfort of people in fursuits.

“A gleaming city where animals of all breeds, predator and prey alike, live together in peace and harmony.”

But these guys? ?? ???? How can you not love these faces.

“Hi, I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah? Well, we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

I’m already rooting so hard for Judy. I believe in her.

“ZPD’s first rabbit officer, Judy Hops!”

Hops. Brilliant. Does every animal have a surname that reflects a common action of that creature? I hope this Lion cop’s last name is Maul.

Look at my baby. I’m so proud.

“Ready to make the world a better place?”

*Chair skids away*

Yeah, I’m not tolerating this. I’m not going to let Judy take this from Mister Stomps over here. Sign my petition to protect my daughter

“Bad news in this city, gripped by fear.”

You’re leading with that? A snow leopard should know a little something about subtlety. The town looks to you for stability, Ms… Eats-Blue-Sheep.

(I don’t know a lot about snow leopards)

“What can you tell us about the animals gone savage? Are we safe?”

We now turn to a tasteful montage to answer that question.

Nah, son.

Don’t get too caught up in the subliminal racism that you miss the fact that a tiger is using an iPad with a paw insignia. A pawpad. How adorable is that. Okay, back to the racism.

“This is priority one.

“Hops –

“Parking duty.”

|￣￣￣￣￣￣ ￣￣ ￣￣￣￣|
|      ZPD unfair                      |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ ＿ ＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ 　 づ”

“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

I like this message. Stand up for yourself and your abilities, no matter how 2-feet-tall you are. I can relate to this.

“You strike out, you resign.”

“Deal.”

Real shady, but I’m into it. Prove him wrong, Hops.

How many jokes do you think are going to be made on the vein of “we rooted right away for this underdog – excuse me, underrabbit”? That’s unavoidable right? No way only I thought of that joke. When you hear it made, I want you to think of this moment, you and me, where we called it. Together.

“Hello, I’m here to ask you some questions about a case!”

RED ALERT THERE IS A SMALL GERBIL CAR IN THIS SHOT AND IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE

“Then they should have gotten a real cop to solve it.”

Does this orange dirtbag have a child in that pram? Terrible influence. Wonderful voice actor.

“You are under arrest.”

“For what? Hurting your feewings?”

Wow, outstandingly offensive Elmer Fudd reference. Someone get this talking neck wrap to cultural sensitivity training.

“You are a key witness.”

(Chorus of “Savages, savages” from Pocahontas in the background)

“No, he is.”

“Hey!”

Sign my petition today to stop this innocent bunny’s pain.

“I need you to run a plate.”

“Okay, I know a guy. You need something, he’s on it.”

??? You’re taking her to the DMV? No one there is ever on anything.

My heart hurts for every creature in this shot.

“They’re all… sloths?”

A m a z i n g

“We are in a really big hurry.”

“I… am… on…”

“it?”

“… break.”

A m a z i n g

“I have thirty-six hours left, we can only solve it together.”

*Banner unfolds from the ceiling, with quickly-made confetti falling around it* Unlikely Friends ™

“It’s not about how badly you want something, it’s about what you are capable of!”

I want to see thousands of tiny bunnies and humans leaving the theater in March feeling empowered. I’m ready.

“I am a real cop.”

I BELIEVE IN YOU JUDY

“Never let them see that they get to you.”

Interesting advice coming from a predator that waits for rabbits to turn and run before it pounces. Smells like

*Banner unrolls from the ceiling to the sound of kazoos* Character Development ™

“You bunnies. So emotional.”

♫Savages/Savages/Barely even human/Savages/Savages♪

“Do not let go!”

“I’m gonna let go.”

“What?”

Looks like Hops finally realized where she falls on the food chain. Not a bad call.

“We may be evolved, but deep down, we are still animals.”

Shield my daughter’s eyes.

“Wooooo”

“Quit it! You’re gonna start a howl -“

“Woooooo”

One perfect chance to reference the 101 Dalmatians Twilight Bark – wasted.

“Oh, you are naked!”

Eyes front, Nick. Avert that gaze.

“For sure, we’re a naturalist club!”

Animals degraded for acting like animals. What has Zootopia come to?

“All the way down…”

A giraffe doing sun salutations. That’s what I came here for.

There are a lot of things I could point out about this one. Where to start? Maybe I’ll take the minimalist route here and not comment at all. You’re probably already wondering the same things I am anyway.

Judy Hops, voiceover: “Life’s a little bit messy.

Separate but equally important petition to replace minion merch with merch of this perfect elephant toddler.

“We all make mistakes!

“No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.”

*Wipes tear*

“We gotta go.”

“Whose car is it?”

“The most feared crime boss, Mr. Biggs!”

Not going to lie, the trailer could also just have been a blank screen with the crawling text, “Mafia-muscle polar bears in track suits.”

Gorgeous.

Judy: “Is that Mr. Biggs?”

Nick: “Stop talking, stop talking.”

“Oh.”

You live in an animated movie, Judy. This is just the kind of gag you should have seen coming. Not that I think less of you.

“Ice ’em.”

Actually ice? Nice touch. It’s all feeling very The Empire Strikes Back and I approve. Two woodland creature carbonite slabs coming up.

“Daddy! What did we say? No icing anyone at my wedding!”

“I have to baby, daddy has to.”

I’m a lot more excited for this glorious-looking movie than I was originally prepared to be. Will I see you there? (Not in the 3D theater. I’m not the kind of person who pays $30 to watch a movie wearing two pairs of glasses you weirdo.)

Let me know what you think! Too furry? Not enough furry? I was nervous, but I’m trusting Disney on this, and also willingly entrusting Judy Hops with my life.

Trailer Breakdown for An Unfortunate Teaser

Before I begin, I have to make two things clear.

1) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I don’t mean in an angsty way.

2) Today, when I say “I’m crying,” I am not joking. I am 100%, hand over my heart, experiencing Mr. misty eyes syndrome and my nose is stuffed up and my voice is cracking.

I’m crying.

And it’s all because of this glittering pile of book-adapted treasure that has come to ruin my life and make sure I can’t focus on a single thing for the duration of the new week.

The day has come.

Click here to watch the official teaser for the TV series adaption of A Series of Unfortunate Events, and then stroll on back for some well-placed shrieks of anguish.

And in case you are tempted to say I didn’t warn you, remember, the illusive Lemony Snicket tried to stop you from the very Bad Beginning.

“In this [show], not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.”

*melancholy music begins*

Straight ahead, you’ll see an LP for the one and only Lemony Snicket tribute band. Behind you, you’ll see me, weeping with anguish and unable to speak.

“Wow,” you breathe. “What a gorgeous set.” You find I am unable to reply, having begun to tear my hair.

“Geez,” you comment. “That’s a little terrifying.” You stop talking when you realize I excused myself a few minutes ago to scream into a pillow in the room next door.

Fun fact: While I was taking these screencaps in my room with the lights off, I was feverishly whispering under my breath “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening to me.”

Okay, that wasn’t a fun fact. But you know what is? That this is definitely a scene from the Reptile Room (Book the Second).

And that those two tickets in the top left corner are to a Marvelous Marriage (Book the First).

That the Mushroom Minutiae isn’t going to be incorporated until Book the Eleventh and that therefore I have no logical reason not to expect that the entire series is going to be coming to dark, miserable life.

Oh, and we can’t forget the Lucky Smells Lumbermill (Book the Fourth), the backdrop to my favorite recurring nightmares. Can’t wait to relive that horror show. 

It’s hard to put into words just how I feel about the VFD eye on the top book getting represented on screen just the way it was illustrated in the original canon, but try to imagine waking up and finding that literally the only thing you wanted from TV for a good six years of your life is happening for real in YOUR REAL LIFE LIKE  W O W  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING FOR REAL

Give me three forlorn orphans making the most out of the worst conditions imaginable (more specifically, making puttanesca out of the worst conditions imaginable).

Give me inventing and reading and biting.

Give me Lachrymose Leeches and Incredibly Deadly Vipers and give me

“… Count Olaf. It was the bad guy.”

Lemony Snicket

Do my hands normally shake like this?

Netflix has always been good to us, but today? Today it has given us a Vastly Fantastic Donative, (a word which here means “gift”) and we should all spend a moment in silence in respect to the man who sacrificed his own relative happiness and well-being to bring us the sad tale of the Baudelaire orphans.

It would only be appropriate to close with his words –

“Waiting is one of life’s hardships.”

________

Someone, please. Hold me.

______________________

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this trailer has been largely dismissed as fan-made. I can respect that (actually it’s way more impressive if it is fan-made), however, I would like to kindly remind you, while staying open to any and all outcomes, that the man who said this was a hoax was also the man that wrote “Please don’t read this” on the back of every book of a series that sold over 60 million copies world-wide.

I’m pretty interested to see how this pans out.

Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know

“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvm

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.

“For mercy.

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.

“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.

“But you don’t want it to change.

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)

“You’re all puppets –

whoa

Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)

Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”

“Tangled in strings.

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?

“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?

Do you get it? 

Wearing out.

It’s a clothing pun.

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.

And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. 

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.

See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”

What a glorious, glorious month.

“It’s the end.

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.

Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes

guh

GUH

GAH

*On her way to get her own movie*

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.

But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.

“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.

“Now

AAAAA

“I’m

AAAAAAA

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more careful

“There are no strings on me.”

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
BRING IT BUDDY.

[Proper] Trailer Breakdown for Doctor Who Season 8

 Off the heels of the last two skimpy DW teasers, the good people of the BBC have gifted us with an official full-length trailer for Doctor Who’s eighth season, and it features not only the explosions that you loved so much from the earlier teasers, but actual shots. From the show. In good lighting. 

I think I should not be this excited but I’ve still been waiting for this moment for months. So let’s begin, shall we?

I love that opening. It’s deliciously vague. What’s this going to be a trailer for? Sherlock? Copper? A history program and/or short summary of the Revolutionary War? Who knows

You would think that somewhere along the last three regenerations, the Doctor might have thought, “Hey – I’m literally seconds from blowing up into a freaking volcano of regeneration energy. Maybe I should keep the TARDIS in park. Just until I’m not disoriented and/or screaming in agony.”

Boy needs a designated driver.

No, not you. (Who calls a time machine a cow?)

“Life returns.”

Coming from a species who routinely dies out every ten minutes, I’m inclined to believe it.

“I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.”

Coming from the girl who has seen (and saved) every version of the Doctor? Coming from the girl who had a personal adventure with three different versions of this guy simultaneously? Don’t get me wrong, heavy grief over the loss of Eleven forced me to eat the better part of a jar of nutella, but if anyone can be graceful in the face of regeneration, it should be Clara.

“Life prevails.”

Then again, as I am experiencing physical pain watching Twelve not double over and put his full weight on the rails like Eleven used to, maybe I shouldn’t judge Clara for this one.

“I’m the Doctor.

(He repeated, as his self-confidence tapes told him to.)

And to think, just eight years ago, we gave Christopher Eccleston half a store mannequin arm, told him to strangle himself with it, and called it good.

What a time to be alive.

“I’ve lived for over 2000 years.

(You know, since back when that mannequin arm move was movie magic)

 “Yours is bigger than mine.”

“… Let’s not go there.”

Classic companion shot. But ah, lest we forget, we’re taking on another young grasshopper this season!

So what do we know about Danny so far?

… If my calculations are correct, that he’ll fit in just fine.

“I’ve made many mistakes.

“It’s about time that I did something about that.”

I like your snappy little suit. But, hey, you’re talking about the bowtie, aren’t you? I resent that, sir.

“Where are we going?”

“Into darkness.”

What was that Doctor? Did you say the TELEVISION CROSSOVER MANKIND HAS ONLY DREAMT OF

COS THAT’S WHAT I HEARD

“Here we go again.”

Welcome back Madame Vastra and Strax! Never once, watching your first episodes so many years ago, did I think you would make trying to convince people to watch this show so much more complicated and weird. Thank you?

#ButFirstLetMeTakeASelfie

(Don’t worry, I kind of hate myself for making that reference)

All right, let’s get real for a moment. Life’s treating you hard, isn’t it? Sometimes you wonder if it’s all worth it? You’re looking for some ray of hope, some glimmer of joy in this dark world.

Well, BBC is here to say: you’re welcome.

Go on, squeal. You know you want to. And frankly, I feel kind of lonely sitting here squealing by myself.

And don’t worry, to keep those joyful expectations  in check, the BBC has thrown a little bitterness and destruction in there. Just for you.

And… robot crusaders? I’m down.

“The British are coming!”

I’m not joking give me a Revolutionary War episode it would be so cool

I know it’s probably too much to hope for, judging by Clara’s very much not ancient Roman attire, but all I want is for her to be talking to a member of the Sibylline Sisterhood from “Fires of Pompeii” here. Obvious bonus points if it’s Karen Gillan.

And, if you look closely, you can see the Doctor Who producers collectively denying the rainbow-skittle-makeover the Daleks got early in season five. I don’t think anyone minds.

And of course, Sexy hasn’t changed. Still begrudgingly going along with the whims of a man who consistently brings home strays and drives her mid-regeneration. That’s love for you.

“Clara tell me: am I a good man?”

Tune in for Doctor Who this August to see the Doctor  played by a moody teenager having an existential crisis!

“I… don’t know.”

And don’t miss Clara, played by his mom, who wonders where this new attitude is coming from.

And by the by, I would never diss Nine’s mannequin arm scene. That was classic.

Trailer Breakdown for The Maze Runner

You’ve noticed, I’m sure, the signs of the new season. Spring, when one’s thoughts turn toward YA novel-to-movie adaptions. In honor of the occasion, 20th Century Fox has released the the official trailer for the Maze Runner. You’re very, very welcome, they say in soothing tones to the crazed, trilogy-wielding teenagers outside their building.

Please, friends, enjoy the trailer, and then join me in trying very hard not to scream about this trailer in public.

*rickety elevator sounds*

Aw. It’s like being born, but more fully-dressed and more people judging you for being alive.

But just as sweaty and confused, I think.

“Day one, Greenie. Rise and shine.”

There was a boy called Eustace Scrubb Gally, and he almost deserved it.

“What is this place?”

What is This Place, the new album from Thomas of the Glade. Featuring the hit single, “Why Is Everyone Here So Obsessed with the Words ‘Klunk’ and ‘Shuck’?” 

“Can you tell me your name?”

“I – I can’t remember anything.”

Between YA novels and the Bourne movies, I feel like memory loss is the best thing that could happen to my personal story arc.

Aw, what a peaceful little community. As far as freaky post-apocalyptic futures go, this one is rather nice.

“Who put us here?”

 Alby’s name is a little bolder than everyone else’s name. I’m going to believe that he deepened it a few minutes before Thomas popped out of the box for the streamlining of the Glade tour. He does look pretty proud of it.

Dystopian Boy band shot. I approve. Nothing seems inherently bad about this place so far.

“We don’t know.”

And yet you seem pretty chill about the whole thing. It’s whatever. Our lives are just kind of shrouded in mystery and a sense of evil.

“What’s out there?”

“The Maze.”

“Newt! I know what we’re gonna do today!”

It is wonderful to see you here, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, and especially with more than one line per twenty minutes (hopefully).

Aw man, beautiful set design. Love me some ominous clouds. The place is seeming a little less friendly.

“Every night, when those doors open,

“The runners look for a way out.

Well, that’s certainly a spiffier-looking map than I imagined it to be. But then again, I imagined the Hunger Games cornucopia as woven out of straw, so maybe I shouldn’t talk.

“No one has ever survived a night in the maze.”

[more visible in actual trailer]

[however, still visible enough for me to realize that my imagined version of Grievers, one that looked like Roz from Monster’s Inc., was very, very wrong]

[But again, I’m apparently not very good at this visualization thing]

“What happens to them?”

If you’ve noticed that exactly 100% of the things Thomas has said so far have been referring to his utter ignorance of everything, then you can feel sure that he is portraying his literary counterpart correctly. And all of the readers, for that matter.

Confused? Good. Settle in for two hours of the emotion known as “wut.”

In related news, it took me three years to even get a shot this bad.

-by James Dashner-

“We don’t belong here.”

Is that supposed to be a Beetle blade? I pictured that rather differently. It was totally woven out of straw in my imagination

“No, that is not slime. You are secreting mucus!”

“I think it’s time we find out who we’re really up against.”

This looks like the Incredibles.

This really looks like the Incredibles.

“Everything started changing the moment you showed up.”

Shut up, Eustace. You’re not exactly the best with change.

Let me guess. Four-movie saga for three books? *flips table* 

“It’s a girl.”

And the oscar for best facial expression goes to Ferb Fletcher.

And while we’re on the subject, I would like to direct your attention to how the faces from left to right are a brilliant scale from “NOPE” to “about bloody time.”

“Thomas!”

“Oh my gosh, Teresa, not in front of my friends.”
I see you driving ’round town with the girl I love, and I’m like –

(Read it again in a whisper, to a twisted version of the original tune. Experience enhanced by ten points.)

That’s a very clean skull. Do they have a taxidermist class in the Glade, or have they been saving it for years for this occasion?

“Why are we different?”

“What if we were sent here for a reason?”

Okay, so all the new kids speak in a series of questions that people are tired of answering.

And anyway, if no one else is going to sing “baby, we were born to run” I am only too happy to volunteer.

“You’re not like the others,

“You’re curious.

Like, “curiosity killed the cat” curious, or like “you’re a freak” curious?

I’m gonna put you down for “both.”

“But if you want to stay here,

“Not yet, Ferb.”

-Scene added for glorious hair-wooshing-

“I need to know that you’re going to follow the rules.”

“lol yolo”

Newt and Gally need to get together and even out their reactions a little bit.

Oh, look. Claustrophobia. Haha, excuse me for a moment.

*has panic attack*

*has separate panic attack but in a good way*

“Coming soon”? That is the worst thing you could say. Try August 13th.

That’s almost soon! I feel like someone should give a pep talk or something. Okay, here you go: Be careful. Don’t die.

(Who am I kidding)

Trailer Breakdown for X-Men: Days of Future Past

First off: this is more new trailers per month than my tiny heart is equipped to handle.

On that note, welcome to yet another film flying the Marvel flag – X-Men: Days of Future Past.  I am stoked. Be stoked with me. The official trailer is here, (watch it as many times as you need to) but the rest of the (admittedly low-key and internet-based) party is right here, so come back around when you’re finished.

[Sad music begins]

[Sad music continues, oddly out of place for such a joyous sequence]

Charles Xavier voiceover:

“What’s the last thing you remember?

Wolverine’s face, mostly.

Aw, lovely Storm, so good to see you again!

I had a glimpse into the past.”

That ain’t the past, friend. I would remember that facial hair. Congratulations, by the way, Iceman, you no longer look twelve, and we all really appreciate it.

Especially Kitty. Kitty really appreciates it.

And don’t worry, I sure Rogue appreciates from a distance.

“You’re going to have to do for me what I once did for you.”

“You need me as well.”

Said the guy we last saw mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

Bishop!

Sunspot!

Warpath?

Blink?!

You guys, the thing I normally complain about after I see a Marvel movie is that they left out a lot of characters.

…

I guess this time I’ll just complain about how sad the music made me.

“Side by side to end this war – before it ever begins.”

“So, I wake up in my younger body and then what?”

You say that like you haven’t been thirty-four for the past hundred years. If anyone can handle waking up in a younger body, it’s you.

“Find me. convince me all this.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – In which Charles Xavier dresses up like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. (In case you needed extra incentive to watch this movie)

“It’s going to take the two of us.”

Said the guy last seen mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

“And where do I find you?”

“A different past. A darker past.”

Katniss crying makes me want to cry. Mystique! Mystique crying. Okay, that doesn’t really make me want to cry.

The music does, though.

“Logan, I was a very different man.

Mm, yeah, you were a young Scottish heartthrob with salon-quality hair. Or are you referring to that time you mind-forced people into doing things for you? 

Lead me.

Guide me.

You’re talking to Wolverine, bub.

Be patient with me.”

Again: Wolverine.

“Patience isn’t my strongest suit.”

See?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

(Marvel’s favorite color seems to be tesseract blue, in case you were wondering.)

Explosions!

Flotation!

Riots where people are wearing some dang fabulous attire!

The President of the united States!

Okay, you got me. This entire “breakdown” thing has just been a front – this is actually an appreciation post for the face of the hefty man on the left. I want a sequel about this guy. We could call it “Hired Gun” and it would be an entirely different genre.

And they’d probably have less depressing music, too.

Oh, there we go. Shirtless, shot-almost-to-death Hugh Jackman, or it isn’t an X-Man movie.

Dang, Xavier, you’re hard work young.

I don’t actually know what’s happening in this scene, but if the music’s any indication, it’s heartbreaking.

In which Rogue finally comes around to appreciate Iceman’s facial hair up close. Also, gets dragged away to safety. Multitasking is a great skill to have.

 Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this all-human crowd at all.

Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this entirely freaking-the-heck-out crowd at all.

Drowning Magneto. That should convince the humans that you aren’t violent!

I feel safer already!

TRASK YOU COTTON-HEADED NINNY MUGGINS NO ONE LIKES YOU GO HOME

You can stay, Storm. Your hair looks exciting.

“I don’t want your suffering!

Dang son, Blink did really well in the transition from comic to movie. Of course, an explosion never really hurts.

I don’t want your future!”

What, you don’t want to lose your hair? I don’t blame you.

More shirtless Wolverine for those of you who were getting bored. The X-Men franchise must have some sort of trademark on the screaming-in-pain face by now, right?

I’m sorry, but I can’t get a slip ‘n’ slide image out of my mind.

Okay, Magneto is pulling her towards him, sure, but, as far as I can tell, she isn’t exactly wearing any metal zippers on her clothes…

Did he get more attractive? Not cool. Not cool at all. This goes against everything I know.

… In which Xavier and Magneto act like teenage girls angry at their parents.

[Meanwhile, mournful music build to mournful climax]

silence

“Please. We need you to hope again.”

GUUUUYS

That was just kind of REALLY GOOD
That’s soon! Right? Someone tell me that’s soon.

Please.