Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know

“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvm

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.

“For mercy.

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.

“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.

“But you don’t want it to change.

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)

“You’re all puppets –

whoa

Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)

Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”

“Tangled in strings.

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?

“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?

Do you get it? 

Wearing out.

It’s a clothing pun.

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.

And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. 

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.

See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”

What a glorious, glorious month.

“It’s the end.

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.

Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes

guh

GUH

GAH

*On her way to get her own movie*

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.

But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.

“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.

“Now

AAAAA

“I’m

AAAAAAA

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more careful

“There are no strings on me.”

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
BRING IT BUDDY.

Let’s Talk About Captain America: The Winter Soldier

First, though, as a matter of course, we have to discuss how you should in no way be here if you haven’t seen the movie yet; that, however, is of secondary importance compared to the fact that you are sitting here, wasting time on the internet (of all places), when you could be wasting time watching Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Come on. Where are your priorities?

Back to the matter at hand. If you’ve continued this far, you’ve seen the movie. So let’s talk.

Let’s talk about how this movie did the truly impossible thing and made me want to take up jogging. For at least three minutes. With Sam Wilson. On your left.

Let’s talk about,

“I have the exact same glasses.”

“You guys are practically twins.”

“Pff. I WISH.” 

Let’s talk about Natasha and Steve being one of my favorite on-screen brolationships to ever bro. And, obviously, we just have to talk about how “Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable.”

“Yes, they do.”

Unfortunately, talking about it is easier said than done, as most things tend to be. I found that a lot of the emotions induced during the course of this movie aren’t of the efficiently explainable variety.

For example, instead of saying, “When Abed (Danny Pudi) made his cameo, I felt such an emotion that I felt as though my brain went completely offline as I gasped like someone drowning and smiled so largely that I gave myself the laughter lines of a ninety-year-old woman,” it would be much easier for me to simply go –  “ABED”

or “DR. ARNIM ZOLA”

or “I’M SORRY SITWELL, DID YOU JUST SAY ‘STEPHEN STRANGE’?”

or “I’M WITH YOU ‘TIL THE END OF THE LINE.”

I really do want to talk about that. Steve is known for never giving up in what he believes in, and he believes in his best friend Bucky – it was the only thing he could do for him.

“Not a perfect soldier, but a good man” has rarely been better displayed than it was in this superlatively well-made film, and it is one of the things that makes this movie so worth seeing, so worth talking about, and so very, very worth flailing about in your theater seat, disturbing the general peace, and very nearly jumping into your sister’s arms screaming during the post-credit scenes (this is a great way to bond, by the way).

Because you’ll wait for those scenes, right? Both of them?

Don’t you dare let me down.

Speaking of which, that’s the final thing that needs to be discussed here.

Know what? I want you to be there with me. Let me just take you on a little tour of my cozy corner of the theater last night, during the first post-credit scene.

*Men speak ominously in laboratory-like chambers*

*Ill-intentioned men speak of activating the twins*

*Camera pans to adjacent prison cells, one containing Wanda Maximoff and the other, her brother Pietro*

*Three years pass*

// So can we please talk about this movie?