Tag Archives: Disney

Trailer Breakdown for a Wrinkle in Time

19 Jul

The good news is that this year, the Disney D23 expo didn’t stop for breath. There was the Edna Mode feature, the bite-sized Wreck-It Ralph 2 teaser, the Star Wars Ep. VIII Behind-the-Scenes featurette, and way more. However, one bit of news caught my attention the most, and to no one’s surprise, I’m about to start yelling about it.

A Wrinkle in Time,  my long-time, all-time favorite book is being adapted for the big screen (in a second and hopefully better-fated attempt). I promise, I could not be more excited.

Feast your eyes on the official Wrinkle in Time trailer here, then head back here for circle time. I have one or two discussion points I want to go over.

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Yeah, um, okay is it too early to start talking about symbolism?? And subtext??? Meg Murry, this wonderfully screwed-up girl who has such a huge image problem that she purposely exhausts her audience by never shutting up about it and picking fights at school because it’s the only thing she can think of to do with her personality help I’m shaking????

 

“What if we are here… for a reason?”

Oh my gosh. I literally could not be listening closer. Talk to me about greater purpose, I’ll eat it the hECK up

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The cinematography is already making me cry, but through my joy-induce bleariness, I can tell that Calvin, mister-star-of-the-basketball-team is probably in this scene, staying hidden until he’s relevant (and aren’t we all).

“What if we are part of something truly divine?”

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“Imagine! Ninety-one billion light years traveled – “

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this number has some special significance. Look, Mr. Murry, after a certain amount of “billions,” all normal people hear is “a lot.”

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” – Like that.”

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(Nightmare version of Sweet Dreams begins to play)

I wasn’t sure until this moment in the trailer, but I am over the moon that Disney has this movie taking the trippy route. This book wrote the book on trippy.

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Starring the winter night sky in Animal Crossing: New Leaf

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“Your father has accomplished something extraordinary.”

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The book began after Everything With Dad™ went down, so I’m stoked we get to see Meg and her dad looking happy. That warms my heart.

Kay now let’s get to the spooky stuff

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“Also dangerous.”

LOOK WHO JUST BECAME RELEVANT

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Let me explain something real quick. I loved Wrinkle in Time and its characters for a number of reasons, but up there in the top ninety-one billion was how protective of each other Meg and Calvin become after 9.1 seconds of getting to know each other.

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That in mind, I usually try not to include dark, cloudy screenshots in these breakdowns because a fading scene means it’s time to start thinking about the next scene, but I’m just not ready to stop thinking about this scene

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Turn up your screen’s brightness, I’m talking about THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE

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Okay, all right, there are more things that happen in the trailer. Like isolation and darkness.

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“He’s trapped by a darkness…”

Hearing Oprah’s voice creeping through a voiceover is eerie and calming at once. I guess that’s what the book was all about.

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“… That’s actively spreading throughout the universe.”

Still,  Oprah’s Book Club means something new to me now.

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Here, we get our first look at Mindy Kaling as Mrs. Who, and the house of actual dreams.

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Calvin and Meg make up exactly 2/3 of the people that I should see in this scene. #OperationFindCharlesWallace

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“And the only one who can stop it -“

Mrs. Who is looking for Charles Wallace too

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“Is you.”

MY GIRL

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“Be a warrior.”

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“I’ll try.”

MY *sniffs* GIRL

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Mrs. Whatsit makes an appearance! Using her semi-psychic powers to find Charles? Time will tell.

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Honestly the use of colors and sharp, angular imagery gives me a lot of hope that this movie is going to be the Dr. Strange of children’s science fiction movies. You know what I’m talking about?

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I’m there.

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Found: One six-year-old boy. Answers to Charles Wallace. Please tell his family and any concerned parties that he’s okay (except for the imminent danger)

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Also Found: Three possible angels. Answer to light telepathy and quotations from long-dead poets.

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Aunt Beast?? Malevolent creatures??? Various strange beings???? I’m sold I don’t even care

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While I don’t know if anything or anyone will ever beat his performance as the Joker in Lego Batman, I’m still pretty fired up to see Zach Galifinakis play a walking pun.

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The more landscape scenes we get, the more years are added to my life.

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“You’re going to be tested every step of the way.”

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HO BOY

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These scenes are getting to be rapid-fire now. I’m kicking into brief-analysis mode. Calvin’s in trouble (probably because he and Meg are not holding hands)

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Meg’s upset (probably because she and Calvin are not holding hands) and Charles Wallace is just sort of preparing for death

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Mr. Jenkins is making the most Mr. Jenkins-esque face possible (confused, ill-tempered, and almost crying)

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Chris Pine is in agony

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“Trust nothing.”

The quick pace grinds to a halt as we enter the neighborhood from that one suburbia episode of X-Files, or maybe the neighborhood that Edward Scissorhands’ girlfriend was from. Or it could be place where Chuck  Bartowski and Sarah went undercover in their second season. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like, 1000% evil, and that’s all I know.

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“Darling! Time for dinner!”

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Do you think Charles Wallace wishes he were tall enough to be in any of the shots? Or do you think he’s above that kind of thinking?

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“Are you lost?”

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Literally or emotionally? (in either case, the answer is yes)

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Me when people tell me I’m being too dramatic

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In every shot of this trailer, Meg looks more ready to face monsters than she did in the last. Which, I think, makes Calvin’s expressions even better by comparison.

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New Zealand is just the place to be if you want to be a magical creature fighting evil, I guess. Look out for hobbits.

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The youngest Murry makes a final, fierce appearance to make sure you don’t forget that you wouldn’t have even MET any of these people if it weren’t for ME, Meg, you wanted to hide in the house and cry about drifters in the neighborhood and how you weren’t pretty enough and Mr. Jenkins hated you and oh my GOSH

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“The only thing faster than light is the darkness.”

One cheerless quote to tie it all together.

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On that note? Join me for a glorious story about love, family, and hope in the spring of 2018.

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I’m gonna be there, and I’m gonna be screaming.

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Trailer Breakdown for Moana

16 Sep

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

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“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

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I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

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Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

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Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

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Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

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“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

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THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

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“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

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Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

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alex-tweet

It’s terminal

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“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

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On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

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It’s treasure planet

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I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

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Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

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I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

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“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

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I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

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“A boat!”

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I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

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Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

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Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

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“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

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“Hero of men.”

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“Wh-What?”

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“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

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“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

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“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

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Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

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And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

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“Did not see that coming.”

Image result for flynn rider did not see that coming

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“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

  1. the splash coming off the high-five
  2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
  3. the hair frizz
  4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

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“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

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How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

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… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

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Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.moana44

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

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!

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“They’re kinda cute!”

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!!!!!!!!!

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I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

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You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

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Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

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This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

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I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

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Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

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“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

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The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

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“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

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“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

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And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

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Peaceful!

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Charming!

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Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

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SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

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Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

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A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

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“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

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“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

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I’M READY.

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“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

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I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

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“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

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“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

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See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

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“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

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HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

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And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

10 Dec

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome
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*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*io_2

“So, how was the first day of school?”
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“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.io_4

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”io_5

Doo wee oooooo EEEE oooooio_6

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.
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“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortableio_9

“Ahem.”io_10 io_11

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”io_12

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

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whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.io_14

“AHEM”

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A wild wife appears!io_16

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

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“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.
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“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

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“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.io_21

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.io_22

Buddy.io_23

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“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Naileditio_26

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”io_27

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.io_28

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?io_29

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.io_30

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.io_31

“School was great, all right?”io_32

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.io_33

“Riley! Is everything okay?”io_34

“Uhhhhhhhgh”io_35

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.io_36

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”io_37

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*io_38

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

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“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“io_40

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANTio_41

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?io_42

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. io_43

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.io_45

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.io_46

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.io_47

“Yeah, well, well-“io_48

“Prepare the foot.”io_49

“Keys to safety position!”io_50io_51

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.io_52

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”io_53io_54

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.
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Aaaaand nuclear.io_56

“Just shut up!”io_57

“Fire!”io_58

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

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“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS
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“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.io_62

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.io_64

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.io_65

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

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Look at them. Putty. Try it today!io_67

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieio_68WHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

Trailer Breakdown for Cinderella

19 Nov

You’re here because you love movies.

Therefore, you’ve become aware of the upsetting lack of movies about Cinderella. Sure, you’ve seen movies like “Cinderella,” “A Cinderella Story,” “Ever After: A Cinderella Story,” “Cinderella,” and last but not least, “Cinderella,” but you and I both know it’s never been enough.

Worry no longer my sweets, for today, the official trailer for Cinderella was released to a grateful public.

Please, enjoy the trailer and then come back here and say with me, in a puzzled yet intrigued voice, “well okay but why?”

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Not even being facetious right now, I honest-to-goodness thought I was watching the Maleficent trailer again.

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“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials that life can offer.”
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this went from zero to sad real quick buddycinder_5

“Have courage and be kind.”

Mmm as far as secrets go, that one was less “I have magic hair that glows when I sing” and more “We are standing by a wishing well” in quality.

(Come on, guys, these are the jokes) cinder_7

1. Animal thrown on the ground

2. Said animal is a cat

3. on a leash

You ever hear about visual cues? cinder_8

*cough*incarnate evil*cough*cinder_9

“She’ll merely be your stepmother! And you’ll have two lovely sisters to keep you company. So I know as far away as I may be that you’ll be safe.”

Okay, I get that you re-married so that your daughter could have a mother figure, but where’d you even find this lady?cinder_10

Craigslist ad?cinder_11

“Wanted: one adult woman to live in a mansion with a lonely widower and his beautiful daughter… cinder_12

“… interview not necessary. Just move on in. Key’s under the mat, but first go ahead and try the door; it’s usually unlocked.”cinder_13

“Wouldn’t you prefer to eat when all the work is done, Ella?”cinder_14

“Yes, stepmother.”

“Oh, you needn’t call me that. ‘Madam’ will do.”
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All right, ladies. Ella is a mess. Time to flex your bullying muscles. What have you got?
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“Cinder wench – Dirty Ella!”

Oh my gosh, Anastasia. Are you serious. “Dirty Ella.” That’s not even mean. That’s just an observation.

I could call you “Easter-time Anastasia” but you wouldn’t think it was an insult. You probably should, though. You look like an Easter egg.

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Really.
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“Cinderella!”

See, Drizella’s been listening. Drizella’s getting a raise and a health plan.

“Dirty Ella”
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If you’re not running away, what are you doing?cinder_22

I mean, that house is no good for you grow up in HOLD UP WHO IS THATcinder_23

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”

Ah yes, grabbing a beautiful stranger by the waist. A well-respected and time-honored mating call.cinder_24

“Are you all right? Miss – what do they call you?”dirtyellacinder_25

“Never mind what they call me.”

Good call.cinder_26

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your doing.”cinder_28

“Nor yours either, I’ll bet. I hope to see you again, Miss.”

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“Can I say something even crazier? YES.”

“And I you.”

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“I hope to see you again”? That’s all? What is this, Sleepless in Seattle? You didn’t even get a shoe to contact her by.
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“Ella, you have more kindness in your little finger than most people possess in their whole body.”

Well, the founder of SHIELD would know. Peggy has seen some serious trash.
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what are you doicindeR_37

oh mY GOSH YES GUSGUScinder_38

“It was my mother’s old dress!”

All right, ladies, she’s feeling good about herself, you know what to do.cindeR_39

Except you. Wipe that look off your face, Anastasia. You’ve given up your right to judge. Let the others have a turn.cinder_40

“It would be an insult to take you to the palace dressed in these old rags.”cinder_41

There we go. Take notes, Anastasia. My heart just underwent some physical pain. That’s what we’re going for.cinder_42

“You shall not go to the ball.”cindeR_43

Today’s Encouraging Word: Every bit of debilitating emotional trauma you endure takes you one step closer to being a Disney princess. It’s a rock fact!cinder_44

“Excuse me, why are you crying?”

Excuse me, why are you a computer program? Disney couldn’t find a real old person? I know like sixty of them and they’re all able-bodied enough to hobble around under a cloak.
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“Who are you?”cinder_46

“That’s better!”

“Sorry for the mess, I just got back from cursing an eleven-year-old French prince for being shallow,”
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“Helena Bonham Carter?”

“My fairy godmother!”

That’s a normal enough thing that you just know? Is this actually Ella Enchanted?
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Yeah, let’s take it somewhere warmer, maybe the greenhouse. As long as you don’t turn any items of food into massive modes of transportation, we’ll be cindeR_49

fine
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One job.cinder_52

“Now, where’s mice?”

If you were hoping to get through this breakdown without thinking this is an alternate universe Bellatrix LeStrange, I hope you have better luck than I did.
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I am at once delighted and utterly horrified.cinder_56

“Avada kedavra you pink disaster”

“Bippity Boppity Boo”

I actually thought I had it with that second one. I don’t feel like this is a musical, so we better at least get a BippityBoppity in this movie.

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Yes yes I like this sequence, it can stay. I won’t even make fun of that butterfly.

And I really really want to.cinder_58

“They’re made of glass!”

Oh good, more butterflies.

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Sure, you could pay attention to Cinderella, and that would be understandable. She’s beautiful, and look how shiny her dress is!

But look at her footman’s EXPRESSION

Eyes front, soldier.cinder_60

“And you’ll find they’re really comfortable.cinder_61

Now off you go, for you shall go to the ball.”cinder_62

And the footman wonders if he ever shall win the attention of the beautiful human.cinder_63 cinder_64

“I could get used to a view like this.”

(In this scenario, his three buddies are the Stabbington brothers, by the way)
cinder_65

Welcome, my old friend, the Oh-right-I-don’t-know-anyone-at-this-party face. cinder_66

Hey, the sideburns are comin’ in nice, huh? Gotta be excited about that.cinder_67

“They’re all looking at you,”cinder_68

“Believe me, they’re all looking at you.”

“After all,” he wanted to continue, “you’re literally covered in glitter and butterflies.”

He held back, however.

He was raised to be charming, not sincere.
cinder_69

Oh man, this is so far beyond pretty.cinder_72

“Where there is kindness, there is goodness.cinder_73

#DANGITMYCURFEW

cinder_75

♪Did I abuse her or show her disdain? Why does she run from me?♬

cinder_76

And where there is goodness, there is magic.”cinder_78

Rich boy has too much time on his hands and way too much clothing the color of milk.cinder_79

“No!”cinder_80

♪No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best, Rapunzel’s so mature now♫

Man, I just want to watch Tangled now. How did this happen? That was like the opposite of what this trailer was supposed to do.
cinder_81

“I have to see her again.”

Sure you do. What’s her last name? What’s her favorite food? Best friends’s name? Eye color? Foot size?

cinder_83

Because you would be surprised how in handy that knowledge might come.cinder_84

“Are you looking for this?”cinder_85

Love is an open doooorcinder_86

Life could be so much mooore – with you.
cinder_87

with YOU!
cinder_88That’s right, Anastasia, we went with Drizella’s suggestion. Because she knows what the audience wants you infernal dunce

(All joking aside, it looks gorgeous, certainly well-made enough, at that music score is on point, but who here is genuinely excited about this movie? I would very much like to be, but I need to feed off of someone else’s enthusiasm please and thank you)

Changing of the Seasons

18 Aug

Everyone loves fall. It’s comfortable, fuzzy, and just the right amount of predictable.

There’s always warm drinks being served, long pants are embraced, and every conversation for the next three months will yield at least one confession of “you know, maybe I’m crazy, but I actually think I like fall most. Is that just me?”

(We’ve all been that person. Next time someone says it to you, resist the urge to slap them with a scented pine cone and instead just give them a quizzical look. )

I mean, just look at this awesome setup we have going for this magnificent new season! I’ve tweaked it with just enough regular things to be slipped into a conversation or a cutesy illustrated list of “fave fall things”

  • Pumpkin pie-flavored everything
  • Changing colors on the trees
  • Doctor Who materializes August 23rd. Agents of SHIELD hits back on September 23rd, and its queen Agent Carter will show her face during a mid-season SHIELD hiatus. Once Upon a Time is back September 28th. Gravity Falls races on from its original Season 2 premiere this September 8th. Arrow is coming October 8th and the CW’s Flash premieres just before then (appropriately enough) on the 7th. Sherlock is a joke.
  • Hot chocolate
  • Extra blankets on the bed

Ahh, yes.

Don’t ever underestimate the glory of new seasons.

And yeah, I’m only half-talking about the seasons of the year.

Summer is unofficially the season of weird TV movies you wish you’d never heard about.

There’s other things to do during the summer, I get it. That’s not the problem. Summer is absolutely the time to get outside, go camping, picnicking, whatever – to enjoy the weather, of course. But summer also allows for that one precious commodity that people with school crave the most.

Time free from responsibilities.

The best.

With such long-sought free time, it’s not unusual to turn to television to unwind.

And in turn, it’s not unusual for summer television to respond,

“Do you want a Hallmark movie about memory loss, or a comedy about unhappy married couples yelling at each other’s in-laws?” *badly-timed laugh track rolls*

Yes my friends, the time has come for us to exit this particularly uncomfortable waiting room.

Feels good, like a cool breeze.

You know, fall is probably my favorite. Is that just me?

Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

29 Jul

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.
hbt_1

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.hbt_2

“One day,  I’ll remember.hbt_3

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.hbt_4

“The good, the bad…hbt_5

What a cute little townhbt_6

sWEET MOther of pearlhbt_7

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.hbt_8

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.hbt_9

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.hbt_11

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.hbt_13

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!
hbt_14

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,
hbt_15hbt_17

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…hbt_18

… And the Mulan parallels.hbt_19

♪”Until the stars are all alight.hbt_20

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…hbt_21 hbt_22

♪”Mist and shadow,
hbt_23

… And the Mulan parallels.

hbt_24
hbt_25

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.hbt_26

Oh. And…hbt_27

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”hbt_28

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.hbt_29

♪”All shall fade.”
hbt_30

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.hbt_31

Yes, sound advice indeed.
hbt_32

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.hbt_33

And good golly, I’m on a roll.hbt_34

♪”All shall…
hbt_35

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.
hbt_36

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. hbt_37

Mm. You can feel these shots. hbt_38

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS
hbt_39

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.hbt_40

♪”… Fade.”hbt_41

“Will you follow me one last time?”

hbt_42

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien
hbt_43

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:
hbt_44

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”hbt_45In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Big Hero 6

16 Jul

Prepare yourself for the next production from the absolute darlings who brought you Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen. That’s right, and just in time for you to stop hating  Disney for forcing everyone and their grandmother to sing “Let it Go” every hour of the day!

If you’ve been following any sort of entertainment news, you are likely to be aware that along with Star Wars, your soul, and the better part of the internet, Disney now owns Marvel. Whether this news has you happy or the other thing, your heart is definitely three sizes too small if you didn’t find some joy in the Big Hero 6 full-length trailer that just came out yesterday.

bh_1

bh_2

“All right, let me get this straight…

San Fransokyo? Is that near San Franjose? I want a Cloudy with a Chance of Meet-ups.bh_3

“A man in a Kabuki mask attacked you with an army of miniature flying robots.”

*Googles “Kabuki”*

*Feels cultured*
bh_4

“Microbots!

Ohhh, microbots. Thank you, Hiro, see, the other thing was unbelievable.bh_5

“Max, tell him!”

“Yes, Officer.”

Good enough for me.bh_6

Uh-oh. That bad boy is backlit. A sure sign of being irretrievably evil.
bh_7

Look at Hiro’s face. He knows the ins and outs of cinematic lighting.bh_8

“Microbots.”

If you’re still typing that, we got a whole other problem.

“Yeah,bh_9

“He was controlling them telepathically with a neuro-cranial transmitter!”bh_10

Doesn’t matter to this guy.bh_11

Is it wrong that I want an opera number here? Some kind of “Down Once More Into Darkness” episode? I think I’m onto something.bh_12

“Come on!”bh_13

“I am not fast.”

“Yeah, no kidding! Go, go, go, go!”

See also: Me and anyone who tries to get me to go anywhere
bh_15

“So Mr. Kabuki was using ESP to attack you and…bh_16

“Balloon man…”

No comment on that? What sort of trash happens in San Fransokyo that leads you to look bored at the domesticated Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

bh_17bh_18

Mmm. Oh, and reader, that strange, warm feeling bubbling up inside you? It’s the desire to hug an animator. And it’s totally normal.
bh_19bh_20

That face. That is the face of a man who has seen some seriously screwed-up stuff.

Tell us your secrets
bh_21

“I know it sounds crazy.”bh_22

“Kid, how about we call your parents and get them down here.

Whoa whoa, sore subject man. Haven’t you heard any superhero story ever? Insensitive.bh_23

“Write your name and number down on this piece of paper and we’ll -“bh_24

(My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark plays)

(Consequently, everyone watching gets up and parties)bh_25

“We gotta catch that guy. But first –bh_26bh_27

♪You want me to change, change, change, you want me to change♫bh_28

“You’re gonna need some upgrades.”bh_29

♪Girl you’re amazing just the way you are♫
bh_30bh_31

For a boy genius, he’s a little slow on the whole distribution of mass concept. Why don’t mysterious balloon robots drop into my lap? It’s because both my parents are so alive, isn’t it?

bh_32

bh_33

So this is present-day/near future How to Train Your Dragon right? Or, actually, How to Train Your Robot? No judgement meant, I am more than okay with that.
bh_35bh_36

“Did I not instruct that box 5 was to be left empty?”
bh_37bh_38

“A lunatic in a mask just tried to kill us.”

In this movie adaption, original comic fans will be surprised to know that Go-Go Tomago’s code name is now “Captain Obvious.” And we don’t really get to see him, but the driver of this bus is so over this movie already.

bh_39

“How cool is that! I mean, it’s scary, obviously, but how cool!”

Tuffnut, it’s not like this is new to you. And yes, we know it’s you, take off that beanie and put your Viking helmet back on.bh_41

I love it when Disney does that.bh_42

Aw man. Usually when I see a character so obviously prepped for merchandising I get a little cringey inside, but Baymax.. Look at him. Just look.

I want seven of him.bh_43

“What’s wrong with you?”

“LooOOw battery,”
bh_44

“You home, sweetie?”bh_45

“Weee jumped out a wiindow!”bh_46

“Who is that?”

bh_47

“We jumped out a windooow.”

Nice save.bh_48

Yasssbh_50

“Shhh”bh_51bh_52

Hey, hey. You nailed it, baby.bh_53

Fall! Get it? Fall! *laughs into the sunset*bh_49“Fuuurry baby!”

*eyes widen*

The word cat is obsolete and I could not be happier.

Fall movies! Bring it on. I’m jumping up and down about this movie, but I can’t shake the feeling that Big Hero 6 is leaving a gold mine buried up by not exploring the (clearly) tragic backstory of iron policeman there at the beginning. (I’m calling it now: Big Hero 7. Look for it 2017.)

Real Life?

19 May

(Click here for this post’s year-old predecessor)

My current moment of celebration has been brought to us by this fact: I graduated high school last Friday night. 

It follows then, that now I’ve been on the receiving end of a surplus of advice and/or inspiring comments. I’ve been told both that my life has finally begun and that nothing really changes after graduation (Don’t be a motivational speaker, friend). Mm, and yes, my college plans have been questioned seventy-nine times in the past three days.

But even that is not enough to bring me down at the moment. I had a blast graduating, I did so with some terribly cool people, and I am super stoked to no longer be asked what school I go to, or what I’m doing after graduation. (the spirit of the second question will still be present often, but I choose to at least appreciate the change of tense)

I am no longer a high schooler. 

This is joyous news.

But I have a mission in today’s post, one that I must not forget – the geek speech. I mentioned this topic last year, when I got super stoked about putting fandom references in my grad speech and wrote a post (linked above) about how I would let you in on it someday.

That day is here. I have linked every otherwise-unidentified reference for explanation purposes.

 _________________________________________________

*pats microphone*

First off, what a turnout!

How wild is this, huh?

All we did was complete twelve years of schooling. And now look at us. Dressed in glorified trash bags. How far we’ve come.

But where to begin on the list of people we couldn’t have done this without?

I do feel like it would be an injustice not to give a shout-out to my school curriculum, so as much as I’d like to ignore Abeka and Saxon, I do have to say thank you to Adventures in Odyssey and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego for being the thinly-veiled education machines that made up a good chunk of the important things I learned in my school years.

And of course, I have been immeasurably blessed by the people in my life. My friends are the best, most fantastic friends I could ask for, and my family is beyond marvelous. I can not say enough good things about them, and I could not have hoped for anyone better to be raised around. My parents, especially, have been so much better to me than I deserve. I want you all to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are loved. By so many, and so much, and by no one more than me – except maybe One. I thank the Lord for you daily, which leads to the next order of business – thanking the Creator who made every bit of this possible. Thank you for your strength, your wisdom, your unconditional love, and of course, for this moment. For all these bright young men and women who are ready to get down to business to defeat the tons of opposition that we may face.

After all, the protagonist of every story finds herself in a battle at some point.

And we’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one. Cos it is, you know? It’s the best. Remember, all of our stories have already been written by the best author our universe has ever produced – or, actually, the best author that ever produced our universe. And stories are not meant only to entertain, but to teach. There are lessons in stories. The moral of the Three Bears, for instance, is never break into someone else’s house. The moral of Snow White is never eat apples. The moral of WWI is never assassinate the Archduke Ferdinand. What will our stories tell others? That’s up to us. But we really ought to make it interesting, make it inspiring. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all. And you know God does not create anything that doesn’t make some sort of glorious difference in the world. After all, no artist can resist signing his work.

The world didn’t come with any extra parts, but it didn’t come with any that were interchangeable either.

We all have something that no one else has, and that thing is exactly what the world needs, and the thing we need to give away.

In his book Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis wrote, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” This place is not our home. But any good houseguest knows that you should leave a place in better condition than when you first arrived in it. It’s no different here – except that you don’t usually find opposition when you try to clean a guesthouse.

The world, however, will do what it does best and tell us to do what everyone else is doing, and to stick to the status quo but the status is not quo. The world is a mess, and we just need to… school it. It is our job to educate the world, to go and make disciples. Be fishermen, be fishers of men. So we’ll beat on, boats against the current. And, I don’t know, fly casual.

Madeleine L’engle once said, fittingly, “When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up, we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

This isn’t my favorite truth to accept, but it’s definitely a pre-requisite. I don’t pretend to be grown-up now, but I know I’m on that road. I mean, all children, except one, grow up, but our pace on that journey, the way we deal with the walk, who we become along the way is all on us. And this milestone we call graduation, it means growing up far, far less than it represents it.

Regardless of age, you have always been important, you have always been something. Age just reveals the facts that always were, and experience uncovers the you that always was. Never let people look down on you because you are young. Set an example.

And if you’re ever discouraged, the world gets on your back, and you find yourself beating yourself up and saying that now would be a really good time for you to grow up – don’t ever allow yourself to be downtrodden. Growing up is an adventure, not a destination – and that’s your secret.

You’re always growing up.

Thanks for sticking with me today and for the past years.

Catch… you… later.

_______________________________________________

In closing, I just want to extend the warmest thank you to my excellent friends who used the moment after to yell out,

“No you won’t!”

Trailer Breakdown for Saving Mr. Banks

4 Dec

The official trailer for Saving Mr. Banks is not a very new one(watch it here), but with Frozen out in theaters, it seems that the cinematic tribute to the Mary Poppins author will be the next Disney movie to delight us. Cause enough for a celebration post, don’t you think?

(By the way, I’ve recently been to see Frozen, and, while I will not spoil anything for you, suffice to say it was beyond marvelous, and I take back every rude thing I ever said about you, Olaf. Forgive me?)

Now then. We have a trailer to break down.

Voiceover:

“Winds in the East,

smb_2

mist coming in,
smb_3

like something is brewing, smb_4

about to begin.”smb_5

Not voiceover:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are beginning our descent into Los Angeles.”smb_6

“Welcome, Mrs. P. L. Travers, to the City of Angels.”

(♫ Hop off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan♪)smb_7

“It smells. Like – “

“Jasmine!”smb_8

“Chlorine. And sweat.”

(♫ My tummy’s turnin’/and I’m feelin’ kinda homesick♪)

See, it’d be easy to jab at her negativity, but come on, I’ve been to LA. It does not smell like jasmine.
smb_9

~ In which Pamela Travers does not make a friend.

(♫ That’s when the taxi man turned on the radio – okay, I’m done, I’m very sorry about that)smb_10

“Introducing the creator of our beloved Mary!”smb_11

“Poppins. Never ever just Mary.smb_12

Now, where is Mr. Disney?”

~ In which Pamela Travers does not make three more friends.smb_13

“She’s here.”smb_14

Disney!

Okay, I do recognize that Tom Hanks is not really Walt Disney, but I have definitely never wanted to give Tom Hanks a hug more than in this shot. Look at him.

smb_16

“Pamela Travers, you can’t imagine how excited I am to finally meet you!”smb_17

“Would you mind, my name is Mrs. Travers, Mr. Disney.”

(♫ This is all so crazy/Everybody seems so famous♪)

(Okay, I’m really really done now)smb_18

“Oh, Walt, now, you gotta call me Walt.”smb_19smb_20

If you need to cry about how perfect this shot is, I understand. Take your time.smb_21

“Twenty years ago, I made a promise to my daughters that I would make your Mary Poppins fly off the pages of your books!”smb_22smb_23

Calm down, Travers, if Disney wants to hold your hand, you let him hold your hand.smb_24

“I promised them, Pam.”

“Would you mind, that’s Mrs. Travers, Mr. Disney.

Also, hey, personal space is a thing you may not have heard of but I should probably explain.”

smb_25 smb_26

“I know what he’s going to do to her.

Fill her with perfect Disney magic?
smb_27

She’ll be cavorting. And twinkly!”

That’s what I said. Is that a problem?smb_28

“They can’t make the film unless you grant them rights!”

smb_29

smb_30

Did you just turn off Tinkerbell?smb_31

“Damn.”

I’m just as disgusted as you are. smb_32 smb_34

“She has a lot of ideas.”

The script says Saving Mr. Banks, but the outfit and bob say Hairspray.  *crosses fingers for this movie to secretly be a musical*smb_35

“What kind of ideas?”

smb_36

Mm, yes, that’s an idea face if I’ve ever seen one.smb_37

“The constable’s responstable! Now how does that sou-“smb_38

“No no no no no, ‘responstable’ is not a word!”

I don’t know, that was a pretty run-of-the-mill idea. Maybe I’ve never seen an idea face.
smb_39

“We made it up!”

smb_40

“Well, un-make it up.”

Madam! Would you tell Shakespeare to un-make his words?

Well, Madam? That’s it. Dishonor on your cow.
smb_41

“Good thing that was the only song we made up words for. Yep. We’re totally at the end of the list now, Mrs. Travers. All cleaned up for you.”smb_42

“She won’t approve of Dick Van Dyke.”

what

smb_43

“No?”

what

smb_44

“No.”

WHAT YOU DISGUST ME

smb_45

“The Banks’ house doesn’t look like that. No, no, it’s all wrong.”smb_46

“Supercalifragilisticespialidocious!”

So, maybe we made up one more word, but it’s kind of a nuance and I don’t think you’ll mind it”smb_47

“Stop! Mary Poppins is not for sale!

I’m sorry, but you’ve thrown off Mrs. Traver’s groove.

(papers screaming “I’m sooorrryyy!”)

smb_48

I won’t have her turned into one of your silly cartoons.”

 “Silly cartoons”? Okay, Mrs. Travers, I would have words with you, but I’ll wait until there are no preschool toys present.smb_49

“Says the woman who sent a flying nanny with a talking umbrella to save the children.”smb_50

“You think Mary Poppins has come to save the children?smb_51

Oh dear.”
smb_52

*scribbles Saving Mr. Banks on a startlingly long list of reasons to be excited for Christmas*
smb_53

“Mrs. Travers, what am I missing here?smb_54

I’m wondering what I have to do to make you happy.smb_55

I don’t know, Disney. If sending her a stuffed Mickey didn’t work, I’m fresh out of ideas.

You know, you’ve never been to Disneyland, and that’s the happiest place on earth!”smb_56

“No, no, no, please,”smb_57

“When does anybody get to go to Disneyland with Walt Disney himself?”

When you’re Walt Disney, you earn the right to say that without sounding egocentric in the slightest. That’s how you know you’ve arrived, folks.
smb_58

If we’re okay with getting real for a moment, I got goosebumps at this scene.smb_59 smb_60

“Where did she come from?”

Where did she go?

Where did she come from?smb_61

*cough* Cotton Eye Joe?smb_62

“Mary Poppins and the Banks are like family to me.”smb_63

“Mary Poppins was a real person?”smb_64

#Excuse you peasantsmb_65

Apparently not too far beyond them, what with this story existing in a modern language and all. That’s okay, Ima let it happen.
smb_66

“So it’s not the children she comes to save. It’s their father.smb_67

Your father.”smb_68

“You don’t know what she means to me.”smb_69

“I won’t disappoint you. I swear, every time a person walks into a movie house, they will rejoice.

*raises hand* I can attest to this.smb_70

 Don’t you want to finish the story?”
smb_71smb_72smb_73

Great googly moogly. This movie looks fantastic, but the breakdown is really robbing the trailer of the joys of its soundtrack. Just imagine swelling delightful music that makes you feel sentimental and inspired to climb a mountain at the same time.
smb_74

“The boys have come up with an idea that’s gonna make you happy.”

More stuffed Mickeys, I hope.smb_75

“You didn’t bring me all the way here to tell me that.”

“Oh no, I had a wager I couldn’t get you on a ride. I just won twenty bucks.”smb_76

Because even Disney needs twenty bucks every now and then. Keep moving forward, I suppose.

And I hope there’s a sequel where the girl on Disney’s right gets her much-needed attitude adjustment as well.

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 4

18 Nov

Looking for work in this economy (really, any economy) is a less-than-pleasurable task.

You may well find that you need a more streamlined job field, one that lists jobs that apply to a specific type of career-seeking person. That’s the purpose of this series –  to find out which fictional careers best suit you and I.  Part 1, part 2, and part 3 covered seventeen of them, but the supply is not nearly exhausted. Join me as I widen my job search to include seven new occupations.

Commander

Upside: You are picked for this occupation because you can kick butt  better than anyone else, not to mention you make sure that the butt kickee never bothers you again. As evidenced by the gif, whatever you do, you look wicked awesome doing it, [spoiler alert] and you can defeat an entire race of supposedly hostile aliens. All this at the ripe old age of twelve. Go you!

Downside: Supposedly hostile. Supposedly. And genocide is not typically something you want on a twelve-year-old conscience, even if you were tricked into it. Congratulations, you’re three-quarters of the way to having a full physical and emotional breakdown. (For those of you who saw the movie, here is where you may recall that Asa Butterfield [Ender] was on the verge of tears for the better part of two hours)

Burglar

Upside: Well, if you’re of the Hobbit Burglar division, then your upside becomes lovely indeed. Travel, adventure, new… friends companions (?). The chance to prove to others that you’re no ordinary hobbit, and that you still have some Tookish blood in you. And then, when it’s all over, you have the immense pleasure of still being just as Hobbit-ish as you were before, smoking pipes, drinking tea, and being cuddly.

Downside: Those new companions I mentioned earlier are rarely (though occasionally) people you would call up again after your initial adventure. Also, they are occasionally dragons. And at some point in your very, very dangerous adventures, you will find yourself thinking of your comfortable rocking chair in your comfortable Hobbit-hole. (It won’t be the last time you think it.)

Blogger

Upside: Flexible hours – you current bloggers know this bit already. Also, if you do it right, you can set yourself up with a nice flatmate who does enough interesting things to keep your blog readable and intriguing. You feel things deeply and care for the people around you. As a result, you are a treasured friend.

Downside: As I said, emotions run deep with you. Grief, then, must be among those – it manifests itself in different ways according to the occasion, of course. But whether it shows up in the form of PTSD or an unexpected mustache, it’s never a pleasant situation. And your best friend is dead. Or maybe just very deceptive. Or maybe just scared of your mustache.

The Dark One

Upside: Extensive use and mastery of magic. Capable of occasional strong bursts of feeling. Sweet-looking dagger with your name on it. 

Downside: That’s it. Those are the only things that will ever go well with you. I hope you’re okay with every single aspect of the rest of your life going straight down the nearest gutter. You have a nasty curse on you, you run around tearing people’s hearts out, no one trusts you even when you do have a burst of feeling (except for that one person you kidnapped, you monster), and your skin looks that of a slimy basketball. How did that happen? And don’t even get me started on your family tree. *goes off on a rant*

Member of VFD

Upside: Access to a wealth of codes and knowledge held only by Volunteers. The power to do a lot of good in the world.  A very cool tattoo is even included in the deal (or at least, it was before the schism) and you are provided with a, shall we say, unusual education that often commences with your being dragged by the ankles from your home. You might think that belongs in the downside area, but… yeah, actually, it probably does.

Downside: Your, shall we say, unusual education often commences with your being dragged, by the ankles, from your home. And all that power to do good is inevitably misconstrued by fellow members as the power to do the other thing. With this career comes a lot of weeping, sobbing, wailing, crying, and the creation of many miserable books.

Incredibly Handsome Criminal Genius and Master of All Villainy

Upside: (said in a louder voice) Incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy. You know all you need to. Fit and strangely charismatic, blue skin (upside or downside?), necktie-shaped facial hair, massive brain, just enough of a misunderstood hero to appeal to the masses, and a  very large potential for doing good, if you can be convinced (and you can be) to turn your life around.

Downside: If you choose not to turn your life around, you will find yourself spiraling downward in a very Dr. Horrible-esque fashion. And, in the immortal words of Megamind himself, “I’m the bad guy! I don’t save the day, I don’t fly off into the sunset, and I don’t get the girl.”

Snow-Enthusiastic Queen

Upside: According to the two snow-enthusiastic queens that come to mind, your homelands of choice are either Narnia or the animated world of Disney. Holla! Lots of power of the governing-people type, enough without having to mention that you can also control ice and snow, and therefore have the ability to make one heck of an awesome-looking castle. Also? Snowmen all year long.

Downside: You’re rarely a good person, and if you are deep down, you’re certainly going through something of a rough patch. If you can control your ice-making ability, then you have a good chance of being inclined to become an irredeemably evil and creepy murderess (just from what I’ve seen), and if you cannot control your ice-making, then, well, you are probably just having a really bad time and are estranged from your kingdom and family (just from what I’ve seen).

However, there’s a score of other queens to choose from if “queen” remains your preferred career path. You may look into being a step-mother queen. That’s a road well-traveled, and you’ll have a lot of other people’s experience to learn from.

This concludes today’s look at the work field. I know that I have forgotten or overlooked a few, and if you recall them, I would love to know what they are! Some of today’s occupations were suggestions, because, as I have discovered, I do not think of everything.

It’s very inconvenient.

Or, on the flipside, if I have encouraged you to pursue a certain line of work, then once again, I’d love to hear about it.

Happy hunting!