Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

29 Jul

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.
hbt_1

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.hbt_2

“One day,  I’ll remember.hbt_3

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.hbt_4

“The good, the bad…hbt_5

What a cute little townhbt_6

sWEET MOther of pearlhbt_7

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.hbt_8

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.hbt_9

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.hbt_11

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.hbt_13

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!
hbt_14

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,
hbt_15hbt_17

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…hbt_18

… And the Mulan parallels.hbt_19

♪”Until the stars are all alight.hbt_20

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…hbt_21 hbt_22

♪”Mist and shadow,
hbt_23

… And the Mulan parallels.

hbt_24
hbt_25

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.hbt_26

Oh. And…hbt_27

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”hbt_28

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.hbt_29

♪”All shall fade.”
hbt_30

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.hbt_31

Yes, sound advice indeed.
hbt_32

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.hbt_33

And good golly, I’m on a roll.hbt_34

♪”All shall…
hbt_35

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.
hbt_36

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. hbt_37

Mm. You can feel these shots. hbt_38

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS
hbt_39

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.hbt_40

♪”… Fade.”hbt_41

“Will you follow me one last time?”

hbt_42

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien
hbt_43

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:
hbt_44

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”hbt_45In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

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9 Responses to “Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies”

  1. The Voyager (Melissa Beth) July 29, 2014 at 12:36 pm #

    *rises from the dead*

    I AM SO EXCITED THIS TRAILER GAVE ME SO MANY GOOSEBUMMMPPSSS

    • Emory July 29, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      RIIGHT OH MAN I was so not mentally prepared to hear that song again. It felt so good.
      And the fire sceneMmmm everything is so gorgeous!

  2. Merrilee Lewis July 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm #

    *jumping up and down*

    • Emory July 29, 2014 at 1:40 pm #

      Duly noted and appreciated.

  3. Cassandra Rebecca July 29, 2014 at 3:46 pm #

    Me watching:
    Erm, coolios! WAIT. Hold the phone. Is that….? IT IS! Pippin, darling, how I’ve missed you.
    *cries incrementally until the end*

    • Emory July 29, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

      A little Pippin crooning should be in EVERY trailer.

  4. Emily C. July 30, 2014 at 12:27 am #

    Yaaaaaaaay!!

  5. Eowyn of Rohan August 1, 2014 at 6:54 pm #

    That isn’t Azog the Defiler, the Pale Orc…it’s his son, Bolg. (BOLG!!!!!!!!)

    • Emory August 11, 2014 at 10:21 am #

      Thank you for bringing that to my attention – I accept the cone of shame.

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