Trailer Breakdown for Moana

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

It’s terminal

“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

It’s treasure planet

I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

“A boat!”

I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

“Hero of men.”

“Wh-What?”

“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

“Did not see that coming.”

“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

1. the splash coming off the high-five
2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
3. the hair frizz
4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

!

“They’re kinda cute!”

!!!!!!!!!

I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

Peaceful!

Charming!

Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

I’M READY.

“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Zootopia

Breaking from my regular trailer breakdown pattern, I have to admit this isn’t a new preview. But I’m here, and come on – it’s Disney. My true love. So we are going to press pause on this Thursday and break down this trailer. Haven’t seen the official preview already? Take a peek and hop back here (Look! my first animal-related joke of this post. What a milestone) and let’s get started.

You know, even being Disney, I was hesitant about this at first, especially with the first pseudo-trailer that explained the word “anthropomorphic” to audiences everywhere.

Because I’m no fool – with a new Disney movie comes fandom. With new fandom comes cosplay. And in this case,

“Zootopia.

with cosplay come fursuits. And as it always must be, with fursuits comes my long-standing fear and/or general discomfort of people in fursuits.

“A gleaming city where animals of all breeds, predator and prey alike, live together in peace and harmony.”

But these guys? ?? ???? How can you not love these faces.

“Hi, I’m Judy, your new neighbor!”

“Yeah? Well, we’re loud.”

“Don’t expect us to apologize for it.”

I’m already rooting so hard for Judy. I believe in her.

“ZPD’s first rabbit officer, Judy Hops!”

Hops. Brilliant. Does every animal have a surname that reflects a common action of that creature? I hope this Lion cop’s last name is Maul.

Look at my baby. I’m so proud.

“Ready to make the world a better place?”

*Chair skids away*

Yeah, I’m not tolerating this. I’m not going to let Judy take this from Mister Stomps over here. Sign my petition to protect my daughter

“Bad news in this city, gripped by fear.”

You’re leading with that? A snow leopard should know a little something about subtlety. The town looks to you for stability, Ms… Eats-Blue-Sheep.

(I don’t know a lot about snow leopards)

“What can you tell us about the animals gone savage? Are we safe?”

We now turn to a tasteful montage to answer that question.

Nah, son.

Don’t get too caught up in the subliminal racism that you miss the fact that a tiger is using an iPad with a paw insignia. A pawpad. How adorable is that. Okay, back to the racism.

“This is priority one.

“Hops –

“Parking duty.”

|￣￣￣￣￣￣ ￣￣ ￣￣￣￣|
|      ZPD unfair                      |
|＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿ ＿ ＿＿＿|
(\__/) ||
(•ㅅ•) ||
/ 　 づ”

“Sir, I’m not just some token bunny.”

I like this message. Stand up for yourself and your abilities, no matter how 2-feet-tall you are. I can relate to this.

“You strike out, you resign.”

“Deal.”

Real shady, but I’m into it. Prove him wrong, Hops.

How many jokes do you think are going to be made on the vein of “we rooted right away for this underdog – excuse me, underrabbit”? That’s unavoidable right? No way only I thought of that joke. When you hear it made, I want you to think of this moment, you and me, where we called it. Together.

“Hello, I’m here to ask you some questions about a case!”

RED ALERT THERE IS A SMALL GERBIL CAR IN THIS SHOT AND IT’S MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE

“Then they should have gotten a real cop to solve it.”

Does this orange dirtbag have a child in that pram? Terrible influence. Wonderful voice actor.

“You are under arrest.”

“For what? Hurting your feewings?”

Wow, outstandingly offensive Elmer Fudd reference. Someone get this talking neck wrap to cultural sensitivity training.

“You are a key witness.”

(Chorus of “Savages, savages” from Pocahontas in the background)

“No, he is.”

“Hey!”

Sign my petition today to stop this innocent bunny’s pain.

“I need you to run a plate.”

“Okay, I know a guy. You need something, he’s on it.”

??? You’re taking her to the DMV? No one there is ever on anything.

My heart hurts for every creature in this shot.

“They’re all… sloths?”

A m a z i n g

“We are in a really big hurry.”

“I… am… on…”

“it?”

“… break.”

A m a z i n g

“I have thirty-six hours left, we can only solve it together.”

*Banner unfolds from the ceiling, with quickly-made confetti falling around it* Unlikely Friends ™

“It’s not about how badly you want something, it’s about what you are capable of!”

I want to see thousands of tiny bunnies and humans leaving the theater in March feeling empowered. I’m ready.

“I am a real cop.”

I BELIEVE IN YOU JUDY

“Never let them see that they get to you.”

Interesting advice coming from a predator that waits for rabbits to turn and run before it pounces. Smells like

*Banner unrolls from the ceiling to the sound of kazoos* Character Development ™

“You bunnies. So emotional.”

♫Savages/Savages/Barely even human/Savages/Savages♪

“Do not let go!”

“I’m gonna let go.”

“What?”

Looks like Hops finally realized where she falls on the food chain. Not a bad call.

“We may be evolved, but deep down, we are still animals.”

Shield my daughter’s eyes.

“Wooooo”

“Quit it! You’re gonna start a howl -“

“Woooooo”

One perfect chance to reference the 101 Dalmatians Twilight Bark – wasted.

“Oh, you are naked!”

Eyes front, Nick. Avert that gaze.

“For sure, we’re a naturalist club!”

Animals degraded for acting like animals. What has Zootopia come to?

“All the way down…”

A giraffe doing sun salutations. That’s what I came here for.

There are a lot of things I could point out about this one. Where to start? Maybe I’ll take the minimalist route here and not comment at all. You’re probably already wondering the same things I am anyway.

Judy Hops, voiceover: “Life’s a little bit messy.

Separate but equally important petition to replace minion merch with merch of this perfect elephant toddler.

“We all make mistakes!

“No matter what type of animal you are, change starts with you.”

*Wipes tear*

“We gotta go.”

“Whose car is it?”

“The most feared crime boss, Mr. Biggs!”

Not going to lie, the trailer could also just have been a blank screen with the crawling text, “Mafia-muscle polar bears in track suits.”

Gorgeous.

Judy: “Is that Mr. Biggs?”

Nick: “Stop talking, stop talking.”

“Oh.”

You live in an animated movie, Judy. This is just the kind of gag you should have seen coming. Not that I think less of you.

“Ice ’em.”

Actually ice? Nice touch. It’s all feeling very The Empire Strikes Back and I approve. Two woodland creature carbonite slabs coming up.

“Daddy! What did we say? No icing anyone at my wedding!”

“I have to baby, daddy has to.”

I’m a lot more excited for this glorious-looking movie than I was originally prepared to be. Will I see you there? (Not in the 3D theater. I’m not the kind of person who pays $30 to watch a movie wearing two pairs of glasses you weirdo.)

Let me know what you think! Too furry? Not enough furry? I was nervous, but I’m trusting Disney on this, and also willingly entrusting Judy Hops with my life.

Trailer Breakdown for Inside Out

Today, Disney-Pixar presented the general public with a glorious gift, one that I had almost feared would never arrive – an official Inside Out trailer that was not just a commercial for Disney Pixar studios at large. Don’t get me wrong, I got misty watching that early teaser, but it didn’t do much for the movie it was pretending to market.

Unlike this one, of course. Treat yourself.

One little tip for watching this trailer: it’s fine by itself, sure. But when a trailer is as dialogue-heavy, food-chewing-heavy, and music score-light as this one, sometimes, you have to add your own soundtrack.

This bad boy syncs perfectly with the subject matter, play it while watching the preview on mute you’re welcome

*uncomfortable chewing noises and now you know why I wanted music*

“So, how was the first day of school?”

“It was fine, I guess. I don’t know.”

Is this your first time being angsty and secretive? It’s okay honey, you’ll get better at it. It just takes time and bitterness.

Voiceover: “Do you ever look at someone and wonder, ‘what is going on inside their head?'”

Doo wee oooooo EEEE ooooo

“Did you guys pick up on that?”

“Mhm, mhm.”

“Something’s wrong.”

I have never before thought of this range of emotions as adorable. This is a whole new frontier of cute.

“We’re gonna find out what’s happening. But we need support. Signal the husband.”

Sadness is running this woman’s show? That makes me sad. Wait. Wait what are your glasses connected to this is making me uncomfortable

“Ahem.”

Okay but am I seriously the only one waiting for some flying text to come out and say “starring David Tennant”

MUSTACHIOED EMOTIONS

what a time to be alive

whaaaaaat come on guys you could do better.

“AHEM”

A wild wife appears!

“Uh-oh. She’s looking at us.”

I know that feel, bro.

“What did she say?”

“Oh, uh, sorry sir, no one was listening.”

STOP IMMEDIATELY. I WAS HOPING TO BE ANNOYED WITH HIS STEREOTYPING; I DID NOT WANT TO IDENTIFY SO STRONGLY WITH HIM.

“Is it garbage night? We left the toilet seat up. What? What is it, woman, what?”

“Signal him again.”

Even her emotions have to have coffee. You poor baby, let me hold you.

Aw man, for real buddy. You might not have been listening, but right now your daughter is eating Chinese food but still looks upset. This is serious now.

Buddy.

“Ah. So, Riley, how was school?”

#Nailedit

“Really?”

“Augh!”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“For this we gave up that Brazilian helicopter pilot?”

You what? No wonder Sadness is in charge.

So is Riley the main character, or are her emotions the stars?

Because, I mean, Riley herself isn’t voiced by two of the best comedy actors ever born.

Mindy Kaling, you are perfect even when you don’t say anything.

“School was great, all right?”

“What was that?! I thought you said we were gonna ‘act casual!'”

Bill Hader, you are perfect all the time always be in every movie please.

“Riley! Is everything okay?”

“Uhhhhhhhgh”

“Sir, she just rolled her eyes at us.”

I love how that’s the only cue he chose to pick up on. That is so telling. I’m gonna go yell about animators and filmmakers now.

“All right. Make a show of force. I don’t want to have to put the foot down.”

“No! Not the foot!”

*Psycho music plays*

“Riley, I do not like this new attitude.”

and so misplaced, I mean, come on, Chinese food

“Oh, I’ll show you attitude, old man.”

“No. Nono breathe -“

ohman visual representations of abstract concepts are so IMPORTANT

“What is your problem? Just leave me alone!”

Can we talk about how her sweater has all the colors of her emotions? And how red and green are the most prominent? Can we do that?

“Sir! Reporting high levels of sass!”

Hold up a minute, Dad’s disgust has been around, but he’s not looking nearly as disgusted as I would assume such an emotion should. 

“Take it to Defcon 2!”

Maybe this guy’s Disgust-emotion-employee is faulty? I mean, it would explain his tie decisions.

“I don’t know where this disrespectful attitude came from,”

I’m more worried about where you picked up the tie, kid.

“You wanna piece of this, Pops?”

Mm, yes, my emotions, as well, occasionally take on the personality of gangsters from 1940s cartoons.

“Yeah, well, well-“

“Prepare the foot.”

“Keys to safety position!”

This is quite the production. I’m a little bit scared of the foot.

“Ready to launch on your command, Sir!”

Everyone recognizes the Cold War of familial relationships.

Aaaaand nuclear.

“Just shut up!”

“Fire!”

“That’s it! Go to your room!”

Wow.

That foot was never up very high to begin with.

“Foot is down! The foot is down!”

He’s so proud there are SIGNS

“Good job, gentlemen. That could have been a disaster.”

Turn the soccer back on, you’ve earned it.

“Well that was a disaster.”

Look at Joy sitting there. She looks so under-utilized.

That’s it, baby. Spread those wings.

“Come. Fly with me, Gatinha!”

Fun fact for everyone out there trying to woo some ladies: no one can resist being called a kitten (but maybe try it in a different language).

Look at them. Putty. Try it today!

Man, this looks so adorable I am so excited for this cutie pieWHAT PUNS YES

I’m sold. Way to finish strong, kittens.

Trailer Breakdown for Big Hero 6

Prepare yourself for the next production from the absolute darlings who brought you Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen. That’s right, and just in time for you to stop hating  Disney for forcing everyone and their grandmother to sing “Let it Go” every hour of the day!

If you’ve been following any sort of entertainment news, you are likely to be aware that along with Star Wars, your soul, and the better part of the internet, Disney now owns Marvel. Whether this news has you happy or the other thing, your heart is definitely three sizes too small if you didn’t find some joy in the Big Hero 6 full-length trailer that just came out yesterday.

“All right, let me get this straight…

San Fransokyo? Is that near San Franjose? I want a Cloudy with a Chance of Meet-ups.

“A man in a Kabuki mask attacked you with an army of miniature flying robots.”

*Googles “Kabuki”*

*Feels cultured*

“Microbots!

Ohhh, microbots. Thank you, Hiro, see, the other thing was unbelievable.

“Max, tell him!”

“Yes, Officer.”

Good enough for me.

Uh-oh. That bad boy is backlit. A sure sign of being irretrievably evil.

Look at Hiro’s face. He knows the ins and outs of cinematic lighting.

“Microbots.”

If you’re still typing that, we got a whole other problem.

“Yeah,

“He was controlling them telepathically with a neuro-cranial transmitter!”

Doesn’t matter to this guy.

Is it wrong that I want an opera number here? Some kind of “Down Once More Into Darkness” episode? I think I’m onto something.

“Come on!”

“I am not fast.”

“Yeah, no kidding! Go, go, go, go!”

See also: Me and anyone who tries to get me to go anywhere

“So Mr. Kabuki was using ESP to attack you and…

“Balloon man…”

No comment on that? What sort of trash happens in San Fransokyo that leads you to look bored at the domesticated Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?

Mmm. Oh, and reader, that strange, warm feeling bubbling up inside you? It’s the desire to hug an animator. And it’s totally normal.

That face. That is the face of a man who has seen some seriously screwed-up stuff.

Tell us your secrets

“I know it sounds crazy.”

“Kid, how about we call your parents and get them down here.

Whoa whoa, sore subject man. Haven’t you heard any superhero story ever? Insensitive.

“Write your name and number down on this piece of paper and we’ll -“

(My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark plays)

(Consequently, everyone watching gets up and parties)

“We gotta catch that guy. But first –

♪You want me to change, change, change, you want me to change♫

“You’re gonna need some upgrades.”

♪Girl you’re amazing just the way you are♫

For a boy genius, he’s a little slow on the whole distribution of mass concept. Why don’t mysterious balloon robots drop into my lap? It’s because both my parents are so alive, isn’t it?

So this is present-day/near future How to Train Your Dragon right? Or, actually, How to Train Your Robot? No judgement meant, I am more than okay with that.

“Did I not instruct that box 5 was to be left empty?”

“A lunatic in a mask just tried to kill us.”

In this movie adaption, original comic fans will be surprised to know that Go-Go Tomago’s code name is now “Captain Obvious.” And we don’t really get to see him, but the driver of this bus is so over this movie already.

“How cool is that! I mean, it’s scary, obviously, but how cool!”

Tuffnut, it’s not like this is new to you. And yes, we know it’s you, take off that beanie and put your Viking helmet back on.

I love it when Disney does that.

Aw man. Usually when I see a character so obviously prepped for merchandising I get a little cringey inside, but Baymax.. Look at him. Just look.

I want seven of him.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“LooOOw battery,”

“You home, sweetie?”

“Weee jumped out a wiindow!”

“Who is that?”

“We jumped out a windooow.”

Nice save.

Yasss

“Shhh”

Hey, hey. You nailed it, baby.

Fall! Get it? Fall! *laughs into the sunset*“Fuuurry baby!”

*eyes widen*

The word cat is obsolete and I could not be happier.

Fall movies! Bring it on. I’m jumping up and down about this movie, but I can’t shake the feeling that Big Hero 6 is leaving a gold mine buried up by not exploring the (clearly) tragic backstory of iron policeman there at the beginning. (I’m calling it now: Big Hero 7. Look for it 2017.)

The-Actual-Trailer-Breakdown for How To Train Your Dragon 2

The actual trailer for How to Train Your Dragon 2 was released quite  a while ago, but as I griped enough about the HTTYD 2 teaser in my barely-even-a-trailer-breakdown, it seemed as though I should follow through with the new one. And, also, I rather enjoy watching trailers over and over again. Shocking, I know.

In any case, you know the drill by now – watch the official trailer here, and then swing back around and we’ll break it down! (bad 90’s pop music plays in the background)

(Music is mercifully interrupted by the melodic sound of Hiccup’s voice)

“We’ve really got to work on your solo gliding there, buddy.”

::Bask in the patented Dreamworks animal expression::

Rejected title for How to Train Your Dragon 2: How to Sass Your Dragon Trainer

“Toothless!

You’re pouting, big baby boo?”

“Mraarraar”

“Well, try this on!

Aw, you feeling it yet?

Yeah, you wouldn’t hurt a one-legged -“

What was the end of that sentence? Was it, by chance, viking?

Because despite the adorable terrified face, that doesn’t sound as helpless as you probably intended.

“Whoa, whoa, whoawhoa!”

“Haha!”

♪Reindeers Dragons are better than people, Sven Toothless, don’t you think I’m riiight? ♫

“This is Berk. Life here is amazing.”

We discussed young Hiccup’s surprisingly agreeable facial evolution in the last breakdown, so I’m just going to let you throw in a mental dialogue of your own right here. Go on.

“Dragons used to be a bit of a problem, but now they’ve all moved in!”

Disclaimer from Dreamworks: These are trained professionals. This is actually not a good way to fix all pest problems.

Oh, quick question – Is there Why isn’t there an Oscar for cutest animated picture?

… And with Vikings on the backs of dragons – the world just got a whole lot bigger.”

Just think how many more people would major in history if this had really been the case.

“What happened here?”

Hm, just something that happens at a certain age. In your case, your beard starts coming in, you grow into your jawline, and suddenly all the girls are fawning over you. Just learn to bear it like a gentleman.

“What could have done this?”

Hormones. Oh wait, sorry, are we talking about the scenery?

Okay, that makes far more contextual sense.

You wanted a killer whale-like dragon rising from a cloud, you got a killer whale-like dragon rising from a cloud. 

You wanted – great googly moogly, no, no one wanted that.

Looks like I’m going to be using my summer days wisely.

“I’ll bet you think you know a lot about dragons…

… Let me show you some of what you don’t know.”

“…Okay, but I shot a Night Fury.”

“Should I know you?”

“No – you were only a babe…

News flash, woman, he’s still a babe. Time to throw out that past tense.

But a muhther never forgets.”

Abort. Abort mission. Your permission to call him babe has been revoked.

*gasp*

Shock: A reaction to any number of things, including (but not limited to) finding out your allegedly dead mother is alive, finding out your mother trains dragons just like you, or finding out your mother looks even less like you than your dad does. Next movie: How to Tell your Dragon-Trainer He’s Adopted.

“Yeah, sorry I let you believe I was dead for your entire life until now. I was very preoccupied dressing like a witch doctor. Are we good?”

“We are not good! Were you here the whole time? I can’t believe you didn’t contact me!”

“But, Hiccup… Dragons.”

“Good point.”

Too early to tell, but I may have just summarized the movie for you. Spoiler alert.

“Unbelievable – you’ve been rescuing them!”

Even all this cuteness makes it a little hard to forget a couple shots back where you looked more than a little like the Viking version of Maleficent.

*coos with joy in a very un-adult way*

Kids Corner // Do-it-yourself time! Here, insert your own reference to this exact scene as it was portrayed in Disney’s Pocahontas!

“Something is coming. Something you’ve never faced before.”

… anything like Vikings? Or dragons? I may have news for you, honey.

“The dragons are mine now.”

aw, he made a little frien

SWEET HEAVENS NO

“Protect our people. 

It’s your destiny.”

Disney/Dreamworks Merida cameo. PLEASE.

“If ye had the chance to cheange yur feat – Werdge you?”

Come on, Dreamworks, it’s already set in Scotland, pleease?

“What you’re searching for? It’s in here.”

Yet another potentially dangerous heart-misplacement mystery – solved. Thank you Astrid. I’m sure you were not just trying to inconspicuously feel his pec muscles. Who would do that? Pff.

“This is very dangerous!”

Don’t you train underprepared minors to fight dragons in the last movie?

“Oof!”

Ah, well, everyone knows an animated movie would flop if it weren’t for the token moronic adult characters.

“Are you kidding me?”

*sputters*

IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME SUFFICIENT CONTEXT I CANNOT MAKE SARCASTIC COMMENTS

You too, Hiccup, you and your girlfriend aren’t off the hook just because you’re all gorgeous now. Get your acts together and start doing more things I can make fun of.

“Come on, Toothless…”

Yeah, baby!”

I can almost hear that particular sound byte being recorded for the video game. Totally not a negative thing. You know we all would play it.
D’aww, I’m excited. Summer animated movie blockbusters make me smile.

(By the way, Smurfs, I’m very much not looking at you. Sit back down.)

“Dragons and Vikings, enemies again!”

A boy and his dragon – nothing quite as heartwarming.

I mean seriously, nothing. Nothing is cuter than this. 

Nothing.

I formally challenge you to find something more adorable than this.
“You know that doesn’t wash out!”

While you wear yourself out looking, I’ll be over here cradling a Toothless plushy toy until summer.

Shiny and New You

There are a lot of reasons to be happy about this time of the year.

• 2014 still feels shiny and new
• No more Christmas-flavored hallmark movie puke
• The Doctor Who Christmas special was ripped off like a bandaid
• Everyone is still upholding their respective New Year resolutions
• “New year, new me” is still a viable excuse for everything

For real.

“Why haven’t you cleaned this room since December?”

“New year, new me.”

“Why haven’t you made any progress in your life plans?”

“New year, new me.”

“Why are you eating fish fingers in custard and pasting pictures of Matt Smith all over our ceiling?”

“New year, new me.”

And of course, another nice thing about holidays is that they give you an immediate small-talk option. No matter how much you dislike this cheap form of conversation, I’ve noticed that to function as a human being, you have to have some grasp of how it works.

Thankfully for everyone who is as bad at small-talk as I am, the next couple of days are ready to go, because not only do we have a cookie-cutter question for conversation lulls, but also an inquiry that we’re sure to be asked to be asked in return – so start practicing your responses now!

(insert any quip about social anxiety, if you like)

Here you go:

“Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?”

I’m sure you’ve already indulged in this brand of conversation fodder already,but if you’re as tenacious as I know you are capable of being (and have enough different people to ask), you can probably still stretch it out for at least three more days.

And of course, remember to have your own answer(s) ready. If you can’t think of one, I recommend logging into facebook for a second and picking any one of the dozens of internet people who have already given you their resolutions completely unsolicited.

That’s what friends are for.

Throw in a couple of your own, of course. You set those goals. Shoot for the moon, right? Or, as I read it the other day,

“Don’t shoot for the moon. Shoot to beat the spread by the thinnest of margins.”

Not ambitious, but realistic, I suppose.

Everyone talks about setting “realistic” resolutions.

I hate that word, “realistic.” There are far too many times when it has been used to crush the desire to do something fantastical like “slay a dragon,” “build a spaceship,” or “stop procrastinating.” It’s such Phineas and Ferb-esque dreams that fuel greatness, and they are quickly repressed by the iron-clad and wholly uninteresting word, “realistic.”

Perhaps this is just me, but I’ve noticed that when I buckle down and make the decision to set realistic resolutions, my standards for myself drop down to Hobbit stature immediately. I go from writing my ambitious resolutions in calligraphy to trying to be realistic and I start scribbling things like “don’t die as a result of poor driving of a stick-shift” or “update blog a minimum of once per week month year.”

“Realistic” can have the power to round everything to the lowest common denominator. Just remember that there is a difference between “realistic” and “commonplace,” and you don’t want to blur that line. Nothing is really impossible.

If everything is possible, then “realistic” holds no power over you.

So do it.

Slay a dragon. Build a spaceship. Stop procrastinating. There’s a whole lot of stuff to do before 2015 starts next January, and you can do it all.

And if anyone questions you, you know what to do.

“New year, new me.”