Trailer Breakdown for Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your dreams.

The official trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron swept the internet off its feet last night, and it’s been trending everywhere since. I may have watched it one or two or fourteen times myself. However, if you have managed to not be run over by a screaming fanboy or fangirl trying to get you to watch the trailer with them, then click that link, for now is the time. 

And what a time to be alive, my friend.

“I’m gonna show you something beautiful.

Oh I know

“Everyone screaming.

Oh nvm

note: Quicksilver’s hair is dark. Something in this movie turns it white. carry on.

“For mercy.

The Captain has joined the trailer, ready to sock ol’ Hitler Ultron on the jaw.

“You want to protect the world,

Hawkeye, I’ve missed you gracing our screens with strangely angelic shots.

Thor, baby, on the bright side, no one in your family is even indirectly at fault this time.

“But you don’t want it to change.

(Visibly uncomfortable with the word “change”)

“You’re all puppets –

whoa

Breaking news: Thor is wearing normal clothes. It’s a good day. That is all. (I appreciate that he took a page out of Captain Hook’s book, entitled Wait I’ve Been Wearing This Outfit for Upwards of a Hundred Years)

Now is a good time to point out that in every shot Hawkeye appears in in this trailer, his face could be saying, “What did I miss?”

“Tangled in strings.

Remember when we thought the Winter Soldier and Loki were the best villains the MCU were going to conceive?

“Strings.”

Such sweet, summer children.

*Nightmare version of “No Strings” from Pinocchio starts to play*

It’s okay, I was never able to watch Pinocchio without being mildly terrified anyway.

Honey, is that another new suit? How many tailors are you wearing out?

Do you get it? 

Wearing out.

It’s a clothing pun.

Bruce, I have not seen you in a shot yet that didn’t make me want to bundle you up and feed you a warm meal. Please stop this. You’re breaking me.

And Natasha, it’s okay. They’ll give you your own movie someday. 

Whooaaa, whoa whoa, the twins and Ultron? Is Ultron to the Maximoffs as Magneto was to the Maximoffs in their first comics appearance?

(By the way, I mean in the sense of the Maximoffs being his indentured servants, not of them being his illegitimate children)

(But on that topic, if Pietro or Wanda gave daddy dearest a call, he could clean this mess up real quick. That’s a lot of metal.)

They’re like bugs. Like ants. Like ant-men.

Nah, that’s silly.

See? Look at Clint’s face. LOOK AT IT.

“What did I miss?”

What a glorious, glorious month.

“It’s the end.

“The end of the path I started us on.”

Ehhh, don’t flatter yourself. It was mostly Loki and Captain America.

And this guy, of course. By the way, don’t bother wondering about how you saw him burn that eye patch in favor of sunglasses in CA: The Winter Soldier.

“Nothing lasts forever.”

You’re right. He probably sat on those sunglasses. We’ve all been there, Fury.

Hey, look, it’s the classic Scarlet-Witch-is-going-bonkers pose!

Hey look, it’s me watching this trailer for the first time!

Wait. I saw concept art for this scene.

Oh my gosh yes it’s coming Hulkbuster yes

guh

GUH

GAH

*On her way to get her own movie*

My only hope for this character is that they make him nearly as cool as Fox’s Quicksilver. That’s all I hope for anyone, really.

But for serious, I am so excited to see these two in action. They’re perfect.

This is a mighty meaningful and important stare for a character who was listed on imdb as a nameless “Asguardian god.” Speculation, please.

Are these uncomfortably chest-heavy shots of Thor going to be a regular thing in Marvel movies now? Is this like a subtle satire of how women have been treated in every superhero movie ever, or is it just fanservice?

I mean, I’m not complaining. Just confused.

*Nightmare Pinocchio music stops, replaced with nightmare Tarzan music*

♪I wanna know/Can you show me/I wanna know about these strangers like me/♬

Okay, back to nightmare realm Pinocchio.

Straight ahead, you’ll see our subtle reminder that this takes place in Russia.

If you look within your memories, you’ll remember that a certain wintery soldier was in Russia for quite some time between now and 1945.

If you search your heart for a strong sense of hope, you may see what I’m getting at.

#WhatdidImiss

Aw man, it’ll be good to have this champ in a movie again. Been too long.

“No, mother doth NOT know I weareth her drapes,

“BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD”

I know, right, Natasha? I cried.

“Now

AAAAA

“I’m

AAAAAAA

“Free.

AAAAAAAAAAAA

Brofist, buddy. Bring it in.

That was the last vibranium on the planet, Steve, please be more careful

“There are no strings on me.”

I have waited three years.

I am READY.
BRING IT BUDDY.

Trailer Breakdown for Guardians of the Galaxy

Welcome, family, friends, and fangirls/boys.

Coming up on the horizon is a new Marvel movie, and a pretty bold one, considering that it introduces five new characters to the cinematic universe that it has never seen before. So, as would be expected, there’s a fair amount of introduction footage in this preview, as opposed to other Avengers trailers, which basically just have to say, “Loki is in this one, give us your  money.”

The official teaser was released yesterday morning, an exhaustive nineteen seconds, six of which were dedicated to title sequences. This special-effects-flavored snack held us over until supper, and now? Join me in welcoming, analyzing, over-analyzing, and going on rabbit trails that ultimately have nothing to do with the full trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy.

The  noble silhouette – always a fine way to introduce a hero.

Or, you know, this guy.

Well done, Peter Quill. You’ve unlocked the badge “Discount Indiana Jones!”

“Drop it! Now!”

“It belongs in a museum!”

“Yeah! Hey, cool man, no problem. No problem! At! All!”

It takes a big man to admit he’s been beat.

Or, you know, this guy.

“Who are you?”*

*The question every wannabe superhero dreams of being asked**

**Trust me, I know

“Starlord.”

“Who?”

“Starlord, man! Legendary outlaw?”

Face it, honey, you’re no Harriet Jones, Prime Minister.

“Forget it.”

A for effort and delivery. It’s what’s inside that counts.

*angel chorus that always accompanies Marvel sequence*

*I’m not the only person that hears that, right?*

“We arrested these five on Xandar, check out the rap sheets.”

Good. Thank you. Jotunheim and Svartalfheim weren’t hard enough to say.

“Drax, AKA the Destroyer. Since his wife and family were killed, he’s been on a rampage across the galaxy in a search for vengeance.”

Everybody – Drax: Abridged Version

“Gamora! Soldier, assassin. Wanted on over a dozen counts of murder.”

– And here as a constant, green remind that yes, we are in space.

“Rocket – wanted on over fifty charges of vehicular theft and escape from lockdown.”

Here as proof that Marvel can do anything it darn well pleases.

“What the hell -“

“Groot. Been traveling recently as Rocket’s personal houseplant/muscle.”

Here as more proof.

“Peter Jason Quill. He’s also known as Starlord?”

“Who calls him that?”

“Himself, mostly. He’s wanted largely on charges of minor assault, public intoxication, and fraud.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how this machine worked.”

Stay classy, San Diego.

Oh summer. I remember that.

*shakes fist at polar vortex* Curse you, Elsa.

Mm, the “Abbey Road” of movie posters. I can already see it on pinterest, faded out with some inspirational quote from the movie on it. 30 repins, 27 likes. 2 comments from trolls who hated the movie.

*Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede plays*

“Hey hey hey!

Robin Thicke? Are we not safe from you even here?

“That’s mine.”

*song continues playing*

“Son of a – hey! Take those headphones off right now!”

Yes. Fear the handcuffed man. He’ll bite your legs off.

*Blood-curdling yell blends with swelling music*

And now, a brief interlude from dialogue while we remind you about all the characters you think you may have imagined –

A big welcome to Rocket and Groot in a shot you never thought you’d see on the big screen,

introducing MouseRat (Any Parks and Rec fans in the audience today?) as the obligatory half-naked man,

U.S.S. Enterprise’s Uhura as the obligatory completely-naked woman,

aaand this plume of fire and smoke as the obligatory explosion. Huzzah!

But I know what you guys are thinking. You heard that Karen Gillan, the actor who portrays our beloved Amy Pond, was going to be in the movie. Yeah, Amelia, you say. Little Scottish girl. Where is she? I promised her five minutes, but the engines were phasing. I suppose I must have gone a bit far. Has something happened to her? 

… Amelia Pond hasn’t lived here in a long time.

I know, Drax. It hurts me too. I wanted to see Amy again, but not like this… never like this.

Ooh, do we get another explosion?

Yes, TV understands us.

But seriously, three cheers for Karen Gillan. She makes bad look so good. (Megamind reference not a coincidence – bald, blue minds do think alike)

Oh, I left out one of the most important introductions: Zoolander‘s Mugatu as Del Toro, or that-guy-none-of-us-trusted-with-the-aether-at-the-end-of-Thor:The Dark World. Seriously, who chose to give the aether to this dude? Who was in charge of this decision?

What’s that? You forgot the characters again? Have no fear, Marvel has prepared for this moment. Half-second montage – go!

Snacks Destroyer

Roots, The Sonic Screwdriver’s Worst Nightmare

Marvel Does What It Wants

And Starlord.

“They call themselves ‘The Guardians of the Galaxy.'”

(You’re hardly one to scoff, Mr. Wreck-it-Ralph)

“… What a bunch of A-holes.”

IIIIII’M HOOKED ON A FEELING I’M HIGH ON BELIEVING(Said in an attempted dead-pan voice as I jump up and down and clap like a seal) This movie looks pretty good.

If Marvel does right by itself, this movie is going to have countless tie-ins with Avengers: Age of Ultron. So you’ll want to watch it for that. Maybe there are a couple of other reasons. And who knows? It might be just as spectacular as it seems.

Summer has way too many reasons to be here right now.

Trailer Breakdown for X-Men: Days of Future Past

First off: this is more new trailers per month than my tiny heart is equipped to handle.

On that note, welcome to yet another film flying the Marvel flag – X-Men: Days of Future Past.  I am stoked. Be stoked with me. The official trailer is here, (watch it as many times as you need to) but the rest of the (admittedly low-key and internet-based) party is right here, so come back around when you’re finished.

[Sad music begins]

[Sad music continues, oddly out of place for such a joyous sequence]

Charles Xavier voiceover:

“What’s the last thing you remember?

Wolverine’s face, mostly.

Aw, lovely Storm, so good to see you again!

I had a glimpse into the past.”

That ain’t the past, friend. I would remember that facial hair. Congratulations, by the way, Iceman, you no longer look twelve, and we all really appreciate it.

Especially Kitty. Kitty really appreciates it.

And don’t worry, I sure Rogue appreciates from a distance.

“You’re going to have to do for me what I once did for you.”

“You need me as well.”

Said the guy we last saw mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

Bishop!

Sunspot!

Warpath?

Blink?!

You guys, the thing I normally complain about after I see a Marvel movie is that they left out a lot of characters.

…

I guess this time I’ll just complain about how sad the music made me.

“Side by side to end this war – before it ever begins.”

“So, I wake up in my younger body and then what?”

You say that like you haven’t been thirty-four for the past hundred years. If anyone can handle waking up in a younger body, it’s you.

“Find me. convince me all this.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – In which Charles Xavier dresses up like Ron Burgundy from Anchorman. (In case you needed extra incentive to watch this movie)

“It’s going to take the two of us.”

Said the guy last seen mostly stripped of his powers, playing chess by himself in a park full of old men.

“And where do I find you?”

“A different past. A darker past.”

Katniss crying makes me want to cry. Mystique! Mystique crying. Okay, that doesn’t really make me want to cry.

The music does, though.

“Logan, I was a very different man.

Mm, yeah, you were a young Scottish heartthrob with salon-quality hair. Or are you referring to that time you mind-forced people into doing things for you? 

Lead me.

Guide me.

You’re talking to Wolverine, bub.

Be patient with me.”

Again: Wolverine.

“Patience isn’t my strongest suit.”

See?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

(Marvel’s favorite color seems to be tesseract blue, in case you were wondering.)

Explosions!

Flotation!

Riots where people are wearing some dang fabulous attire!

The President of the united States!

Okay, you got me. This entire “breakdown” thing has just been a front – this is actually an appreciation post for the face of the hefty man on the left. I want a sequel about this guy. We could call it “Hired Gun” and it would be an entirely different genre.

And they’d probably have less depressing music, too.

Oh, there we go. Shirtless, shot-almost-to-death Hugh Jackman, or it isn’t an X-Man movie.

Dang, Xavier, you’re hard work young.

I don’t actually know what’s happening in this scene, but if the music’s any indication, it’s heartbreaking.

In which Rogue finally comes around to appreciate Iceman’s facial hair up close. Also, gets dragged away to safety. Multitasking is a great skill to have.

 Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this all-human crowd at all.

Yeah, Mystique, you don’t stand out in this entirely freaking-the-heck-out crowd at all.

Drowning Magneto. That should convince the humans that you aren’t violent!

I feel safer already!

TRASK YOU COTTON-HEADED NINNY MUGGINS NO ONE LIKES YOU GO HOME

You can stay, Storm. Your hair looks exciting.

“I don’t want your suffering!

Dang son, Blink did really well in the transition from comic to movie. Of course, an explosion never really hurts.

I don’t want your future!”

What, you don’t want to lose your hair? I don’t blame you.

More shirtless Wolverine for those of you who were getting bored. The X-Men franchise must have some sort of trademark on the screaming-in-pain face by now, right?

I’m sorry, but I can’t get a slip ‘n’ slide image out of my mind.

Okay, Magneto is pulling her towards him, sure, but, as far as I can tell, she isn’t exactly wearing any metal zippers on her clothes…

Did he get more attractive? Not cool. Not cool at all. This goes against everything I know.

… In which Xavier and Magneto act like teenage girls angry at their parents.

[Meanwhile, mournful music build to mournful climax]

silence

“Please. We need you to hope again.”

GUUUUYS

That was just kind of REALLY GOOD
That’s soon! Right? Someone tell me that’s soon.

Please.

Someone Really Wanted Our Initials to Spell Out “SHIELD”

Everyone loves autumn. Leaves changing, sweaters rejoicing in their renewed employment, pumpkin spice being added to everything you’ve ever considered eating, and television shows reminding you that you will probably not have evening plans ever again (or at least not for the remainder of the season).

Speaking of which, I watched the Agents of SHIELD pilot last night.

 

This is not a proper review, but it is certainly not spoiler-free, so if you’re planning on watching it with a clean slate, I’d suggest abandoning the internet (including this post) entirely until you do.

The most looked-forward to bit of this episode was probably Phil Coulson, in case you hadn’t guessed by his Captain America-esque pose at the forefront of the group. Look at him. He’s just so… not dead.

As most of you will remember, Agent Coulson died in The Avengers. Like, there-was-no-way-he-could-have-survived dead.

One of the myriad reasons I watched this pilot was to find out how he survived. I had a theory, of course. SHIELD from the Marvel comics had, and regularly used, robots they called “life-model-decoys.” (Tony Stark references them in the first twenty minutes of The Avengers) They were basically super-duper-realistic copies of real people, and they were used to do things that real people didn’t want to do.

I figured that dead Phil Coulson was really not-even-alive-in-the-first-place Phil Coulson.

So I watched the pilot to see if I was right.

And for the first ten minutes, I was treated only to Phil’s cute little comments about being dead. Also vacationing in Tahiti.

I squirmed. Come on, Marvel, you know your fans; you can’t seriously think that we’re going to let this go with no explanation.

At the end of the scene, however, after Phil wandered away from Agent Maria Hill and a certain doctor, the two left behind looked after him sadly. The scientist turned to Agent Hill and said,

“Tahiti. He really doesn’t know, does he?”

“He can never know.”

When Agent Maria Hill uttered those four words, I let out a noise that, looking back, probably wasn’t necessary, nor comforting to my mum, who was sitting behind me, and I suspect, giving me weird looks.

But anyway, the noise was because I had thought about the possibility of Loki skewering life-model-decoy Phil.

I had not thought of the possibility of Loki skewering real life Phil, and SHIELD replacing him with life-model-decoy Phil who believes he’s real life Phil. Pandorica-Rory style.

Only time will tell if this idea becomes canon, but until then, I’m sticking to my theories. (If any of you guys have any, by the way, I’d love to hear them)

Anyway, the episode progressed in a similarly delightful fashion, one of the many high points being when one scientist character said,

“Will you be joining us on our little journey into mystery?”

I see what you did there, Marvel.

Now that I’ve seen the pilot, I’ve learned a few things since I did the Agents of SHIELD trailer breakdown a few months ago. The dude I used to know as Ultimate Spider-Man is actually Mike Peterson, and the young woman I’d dubbed “Covergirl” is named Sky. Or is she? Another thing I guess we’ll discover in later episodes.

Speaking of Sky, she and agent Ward managed to set themselves up for, at the very least, merciless shipping, and at most, a canonical office romance. Nothing ignites the flame like a little hostility on first meeting, right? I mean, I’ve seen television. I know how this works.

And even if they don’t become a thing, which is totally okay and even a little groundbreaking, considering the played-out nature of most TV romances, you have to admit that “Skyward” is probably the most intensely magnificent ship name ever.

Another thing you should know about Sky is that she has been a cosplayer, a fact discovered while the intense Agent Ward was being a jerk to her in the interrogation room.

“She’s probably one of those sweaty cosplay girls who crowds around Stark Tower.”

(Sweaty? Aca-scuse me?)

To which Sky replied by being flustered and then muttering,

“One time.”

The plot itself, which I have barely mentioned yet (this is why I’m not a review blog), mainly consisted of Mike Peterson and his struggle with his superpowers, given to him by a serum-wielding doctor whose intentions and background were rather foggy (don’t do drugs, kids).

About twenty minutes into the show, Mike began having unexplained rages, and went to visit this doctor to discuss them. She explained very little except to reference Extremis (WAT) and say,

“The people who gave me this technology are very serious about this.”

Then she said that “the last guy” who got the serum that Mike had received went nuts. About half a minute after she told him this, Mike went nuts. As he crawled out the window, angry at the doctor, and half-way to blowing up due to the serum he’d received from her, the doctor shook her head and said,

“This is a disaster.”

Mike looked back at her and said,

“No. It’s an origin story.”

^ This character went from zero to self-aware in twenty minutes. Ambitious.

In case you were worried, the agents of SHIELD got to him before he blew up and everyone went home happy. Sky, not actually an agent, was even  invited into the fold at the end of the episode, as Agent Phil Coulson took her for a drive in Lola, the most beautiful vehicle to grace my screen for a long while.

The show ended with Phil Coulson getting a call about an “O-83.” Sky spoke for us all and asked what that meant. With a smile, Coulson turned to Sky and told her she had ten minutes to decide if she really wanted to know. Sky, the rookie, expressed her skepticism that Lola could get them anywhere in just ten minutes.

Possibly-life-model-decoy Coulson smirked and flicked a switch.

And then… something happened.

I will sometimes complain about cheesiness, but truth is, as Lola purred to life and her tires turned outwards and propelled her off the ground Back-to-the-Future style, I smiled. Okay. Flying cars. Why should that be harder to swallow than flying humans?

And it’s an O-83, after all. Where they’re going, they don’t need roads.

Weak

Last night, I found out that my youth leader follows comic books. I probably shouldn’t score people, but I do, so I have no shame in saying this was absolutely an instance where his points went up. Fantastic job, good sir. 

We were talking about superheroes, and he brought up why he doesn’t like Superman (I’m not trying to start a rumble, Superman superfans. Just stating opinions over here). He said he thought DC had a god complex with their heroes, illustrated when Superman died and came back to life, and how he doesn’t really have weaknesses – he has a weakness (kryptonite [which just so happens to be only native to a dead planet]). Because of his strength, Superman became less interesting to him.

I understood, but the very fact that I understood struck me as ironic. I mean, the main reason that people are attracted to superheroes is that they are so much stronger than us. They can do the things we only dream of doing – they can fly, teleport, draw adamantium claws out of their fists (That’s not just me, is it? Who doesn’t want claws? Claws are fabulous.), and so on. But we don’t want them to be too strong. We want even our heroes to be flawed and messy.

Spider-man is one of the world’s most popular superheroes, and he could not be more different from Superman. No one thanks Spider-man for saving the day, he is consistently broke, and he is generally thought of as one of the criminals that he pursues. And yet, he is just as popular with readers as an invulnerable man from Krypton whom everyone loves.

[Excuse me while I take a rabbit trail that I promise applies] Ask any person why they enjoy the company of their friends, and one of the answers will definitely include the things that they have in common.

We love to identify with people. The joy of having someone know what you mean to say even when you can’t find the words to say it is fantastic.

Even with all the people in the world, we still tend to be surprised when we find someone who has something in common with us. And we adore it. Misery may love company, but so does happiness, so does love, and so do we.

We search for people who remind us of us. And we want our fictional heroes to be the same way. Obviously, not everyone has shrapnel trying every second to cut its way into their hearts, but we can still identify with many of Iron Man’s struggles. Most of us are not battling a past full of treachery, but we can still find a bit of us in the Black Widow. Not everyone of us is an orphan, but Batman still speaks to us in some small way.

Because they are broken.

Because we are broken.

Because no matter how much we try to improve upon ourselves, we will always have infirmities, and we want to see someone with our infirmities prove that we can overcome them. As the good book says,

“I am glad to boast in my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2nd Corinthians 12:9

People are ridiculously diverse, but we all have one thing in common – we are weak. Some of us fancy that we are weaker than some and stronger than others, but not a single one of us is perfect, every one of us is weak. If we weren’t, strength would be so much less marvelous. We would not find it spectacular that a drug addict turned her life around and got clean, or that a father returned to his abandoned family, or that a community banded together, despite their differences, and did something good.

Light shines brightest in the dark, and the strength God has given us is all the more remarkable in weakness.

We can be strong, not despite our weaknesses, but because of them.

So be strong, be dazzling, and be a superhero.

And have a nice day.

 

Disclaimer: Yes, I understand that nearly every superhero ever ever ever has died and come back to life. Hey, someone’s got to make money off of serial comic books, yeah?

The Boy, The Dog, and The [Endearing] Drunkard

Guess what? I’m thinking about the quality literature of my childhood today. Prepare yourself for a very Tintin-centric post.

My Dad grew up reading the Tintin graphic novels (written by Herge, 1907-1983), and, good father that he is, he passed it along to me. Considering that I began my journey at around eight years old, it’s not hard to imagine that by now, I’ve read a good deal about Tintin and his adventures.

So it’s only natural that I want to be Tintin when I grow up.

For those of you haven’t partaken of this particular pleasure, let me explain.

Tintin is a Belgian reporter. Or so we’re told. Despite never actually reporting or working at all, Tintin manages to sustain a lifestyle as a well-known, well-traveled, successful young man.

And that, right there, is the American dream, ladies and gentlemen. Tintin gets paid [presumably] to go on adventures and use his status as a reporter to get everywhere.

China.

America.

Tibet.

Sydney.

The bottom of the ocean.

The moon.

Everywhere.

And everywhere he goes, he brings along his faithful companion, Snowy, whose sound effects baffled me for most of my early childhood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For real. I have still yet to accept “wooah” as an appropriate spelling for any noise made by a dog.

And, lest we forget, Tintin’s other recurring friend: a drunkard with a nasty temper and potty mouth. An endearing drunkard, however, so it’s okay.  Who doesn’t love Captain Haddock?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you traverse this enrapturing and delightful series of graphic novels, you will encounter:

• Villains with terrible names

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Bad influences for children

 

 

 

 

 

 

• Long explanations that insure that you will never understand any plot fully until you can convince yourself to commit five minutes to reading the tiny, tiny script crammed into one panel

 

 

 

 

 

• Crippling jealousy over the fact that your boss doesn’t assign you to march off haphazardly into the unknown with questionable, yet endearing companions

 

 

 

 

 

• Humor lost on the age group that the stories were written for
• Fantastic storylines
• Adventure

These books were one of the hallmarks of my childhood, and I’ve yet to give them up in exchange for adulthood. I would absolutely recommend the original Tintin to anyone who likes the Tintin movie, likes quality and iconic literature, likes feeling awesome as they read a massive comic book, or has read Tintin in the past and needs a stroll down memory lane.

Thus ends today’s fangirling.

See you next time!