The Clock is Striking Twelve

I always warn you before spoilers, don’t I?

Well, if you haven’t seen Doctor Who season 8 episode 1, I have only one two things to say to you:

1.  WHAT WHY NOT
2.  Well, don’t come back until you do.

Last Saturday night, I sat in a dark room full of Whovians; the kind who get so excited that no one really cares that they’re slowly turning the back room of a Japanese novelty shop into a sauna.

It began with a girl dressed as a steampunk Dalek standing up to announce that the episode was beginning, and once it did, there would be no mercy on commentators. There was a murmur of assent from the viewers. The episode commenced. Not a peep was heard for over an hour, save the odd hushed “Awwww” or “ohmygoshohmygosh.”

It was glorious.

For many of you, I do not have to tell what happened in the episode.

Seeing it through strictly unfeeling eyes, it was the usual:

• Doctor offends people
• Clara stamps her foot
• SUBTEXT SUBTEXT
• Viewers are scared
• Characters are scared and then die
• Doctor voices some variant of “He/She/It was scared”
• SUUUBTEEEXT
• Hands are held
• Hugs are had
• Chips are consumed

But of course there was the one prominent difference:

The new Doctor.

This dork.

Look at him

Really look

Let me explain: Eleven was my Doctor. Under such circumstances, I thought it was going to take more than a shouty “I’M NOT FLIRTING BY THE WAY” directed at a rampaging dinosaur to win me over.

The Doctor wears his new face well. And hey, as far as the rest of you go, I understand (in theory) if he hasn’t grown on you yet. But just

Look at him.

No, I suppose that’s not what I mean. Don’t just look. The Doctor said it himself. See.

That moment killed me. In fact, I am actually writing to you at this moment from the mysterious fountain garden on the other side.

I’ve wanted to hug a lot of fictional characters before, but this moment must have topped the list. So of course they had to stab at that particular ventricle of my heart.

“I don’t think I’m a hugging person now.”

*Collective scoff from fandom*

But in any case, I didn’t come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor.

While I did indeed come here to gush over the Twelfth Doctor, there are other Doctorial things to be addressed. Such as?

• SKIN BALLOON wHAT 
• How one little blow-torch droid set fire to an entire dinosaur
• The frankly alarming number of space ships skipping around replacing machinery with human remains (I had no idea this was such an epidemic)
• The umbrella woman in the weird afterlife fountain garden

Oh come on, what else am I supposed to call her?

Mediocre Fact: I actually had to Google “deep breath umbrella woman” to get anything like what I was looking for. I got a lot of weird artwork and one heroic bit of information that told me that the umbrella woman is actually called Missy.

The “Gatekeeper.”

Cool! If anything, I know less than I knew before.

I feed off of your speculation and inside knowledge; please, let me have it. I would absolutely love to discuss this episode with you. I mean, there it was after all, the excellent first episode of what looks to be a very promising season.

So, what do you think?

 

[Proper] Trailer Breakdown for Doctor Who Season 8

 Off the heels of the last two skimpy DW teasers, the good people of the BBC have gifted us with an official full-length trailer for Doctor Who’s eighth season, and it features not only the explosions that you loved so much from the earlier teasers, but actual shots. From the show. In good lighting. 

I think I should not be this excited but I’ve still been waiting for this moment for months. So let’s begin, shall we?

I love that opening. It’s deliciously vague. What’s this going to be a trailer for? Sherlock? Copper? A history program and/or short summary of the Revolutionary War? Who knows

You would think that somewhere along the last three regenerations, the Doctor might have thought, “Hey – I’m literally seconds from blowing up into a freaking volcano of regeneration energy. Maybe I should keep the TARDIS in park. Just until I’m not disoriented and/or screaming in agony.”

Boy needs a designated driver.

No, not you. (Who calls a time machine a cow?)

“Life returns.”

Coming from a species who routinely dies out every ten minutes, I’m inclined to believe it.

“I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.”

Coming from the girl who has seen (and saved) every version of the Doctor? Coming from the girl who had a personal adventure with three different versions of this guy simultaneously? Don’t get me wrong, heavy grief over the loss of Eleven forced me to eat the better part of a jar of nutella, but if anyone can be graceful in the face of regeneration, it should be Clara.

“Life prevails.”

Then again, as I am experiencing physical pain watching Twelve not double over and put his full weight on the rails like Eleven used to, maybe I shouldn’t judge Clara for this one.

“I’m the Doctor.

(He repeated, as his self-confidence tapes told him to.)

And to think, just eight years ago, we gave Christopher Eccleston half a store mannequin arm, told him to strangle himself with it, and called it good.

What a time to be alive.

“I’ve lived for over 2000 years.

(You know, since back when that mannequin arm move was movie magic)

 “Yours is bigger than mine.”

“… Let’s not go there.”

Classic companion shot. But ah, lest we forget, we’re taking on another young grasshopper this season!

So what do we know about Danny so far?

… If my calculations are correct, that he’ll fit in just fine.

“I’ve made many mistakes.

“It’s about time that I did something about that.”

I like your snappy little suit. But, hey, you’re talking about the bowtie, aren’t you? I resent that, sir.

“Where are we going?”

“Into darkness.”

What was that Doctor? Did you say the TELEVISION CROSSOVER MANKIND HAS ONLY DREAMT OF

COS THAT’S WHAT I HEARD

“Here we go again.”

Welcome back Madame Vastra and Strax! Never once, watching your first episodes so many years ago, did I think you would make trying to convince people to watch this show so much more complicated and weird. Thank you?

#ButFirstLetMeTakeASelfie

(Don’t worry, I kind of hate myself for making that reference)

All right, let’s get real for a moment. Life’s treating you hard, isn’t it? Sometimes you wonder if it’s all worth it? You’re looking for some ray of hope, some glimmer of joy in this dark world.

Well, BBC is here to say: you’re welcome.

Go on, squeal. You know you want to. And frankly, I feel kind of lonely sitting here squealing by myself.

And don’t worry, to keep those joyful expectations  in check, the BBC has thrown a little bitterness and destruction in there. Just for you.

And… robot crusaders? I’m down.

“The British are coming!”

I’m not joking give me a Revolutionary War episode it would be so cool

I know it’s probably too much to hope for, judging by Clara’s very much not ancient Roman attire, but all I want is for her to be talking to a member of the Sibylline Sisterhood from “Fires of Pompeii” here. Obvious bonus points if it’s Karen Gillan.

And, if you look closely, you can see the Doctor Who producers collectively denying the rainbow-skittle-makeover the Daleks got early in season five. I don’t think anyone minds.

And of course, Sexy hasn’t changed. Still begrudgingly going along with the whims of a man who consistently brings home strays and drives her mid-regeneration. That’s love for you.

“Clara tell me: am I a good man?”

Tune in for Doctor Who this August to see the Doctor  played by a moody teenager having an existential crisis!

“I… don’t know.”

And don’t miss Clara, played by his mom, who wonders where this new attitude is coming from.

And by the by, I would never diss Nine’s mannequin arm scene. That was classic.

Trailer Breakdown for Doctor Who Season 8

 If you’re on this blog of your own free will, chances are that you’re familiar with BBC’s two recent, feeble attempts at  teasers. Each lasted an exhaustive fifteen seconds, didn’t have a single well-lit shot between them, and they still managed to make me and DW fans everywhere weep with joy and mourning. It’s a true art.

So today I have a treat for you.

Ever since Doctor Who Confidential was canceled, we’ve been deprived of some of that behind-the-scenes action that was so fun to watch after each episode aired. That’s why I am pleased to present to you today, the genuine minutes of the boardroom meetings where these teasers were discussed and digitally edited. It wasn’t easy to get these notes, and bits of them are burnt, so I might be leaving some parts out. Just bear with me.

MB: “We want this look at the Doctor to be memorable. Important. So blow some of that garbage up in the back.”

KW: “Garbage?”

MB: “The TARDIS.” 

MB: “Brilliant. Again.”

RW: “Ken and I had a couple ideas too,”

MB: “Sh. One more time.”

RW: “Okay.”

MB: “It’s beautiful.”

RW: “Can we put in some talking?”

MB: “Whatever.”

“Clara, be my pal, tell me: am I a good man?”

“I don’t think I know who the Doctor is anymore.”

KW: “You know, this is not how reflections work. Or eyes.”

RW: “No one asked you.”

MB: “I’m so bored right now. Cut to black.”

MB: “Okay kids, now I want the Doctor Who Teaser Mark II to have everything that made the last one great.”

RW: “That’s reasonable. What was that?”

MB: *Turns out lights and sets table on fire*

KW: “Right.”

MB: “Okay, everyone, strong beginning. Let’s go stronger.”

MB: “SECONDARY EXPLOSION YES”

RW: “Sir,”

MB: “MORE”

MB: “AGAIN BUT WITH LESS LIGHT”

RW: “Sir, we’re all a bit worried about the mental state of the viewers. Any way that we could give them a break?”

MB: “Fine. Give them a shot of that old dude and some of that ‘dialogue’ trash you won’t shut up about.”

KW: “Thank you.”

“I see into your soul, Doctor. I see beauty, divinity, hatred!”

KW: “Is it just me or was that line more Captain Jack-esque than Dalek?”

MB: “Okay, you two have had your say.”

RW: “You don’t mean”

MB: “HAHA YES BOOOM”

KW: “What! Where are his other organs? This is not how x-rays work!”

MB: “Shut up and give me a close-up of those hearts.”

MB: “NOW MAKE THEM EXPLODE”

RW: “SIR NO”

The last few pages of the transcript are in ashes. I heard Michael Bay was fired from the creative committee some time afterwards.

(Don’t worry about it. It probably gave him more time to work on Titanic.)

Trailer Breakdown for The Time of the Doctor

Today, it is one week until Christmas.

Today, a Doctor Who Christmas special trailer was released.

What better way to celebrate the holiday season than with a bit of analysis, joy, and slight bitter grieving?

*Christmas music begins*
“Hello, the TARDIS!”

Is that snow? Is it finally safe to infer that that is actual confirmed snow and not an evil monster or ash from a burning spaceship?

I’m going to say yes.

While I’m making safe assumptions, I’m also going to go ahead and assume that this is from another planet, because, what?

“Hello the Oswalds!

Merry Christmas!”

Looking for reasons to add this episode to your Christmas-TV watch list? How about that is is starring this golden face by Possibly-Clara’s-Dad (or Possibly-Someone-Else)?

If this is after the scene shown in the BBC Christmas teaser where Clara introduces the lovely Eleven as her boyfriend, then I think I can understand the expression. 

I had one quite like it on myself.

“I hope you made a wish.”

Thank you adorable grandmother, for saying the presumably important, foreshadowy thing that would have sounded even weirder if it came from anyone else.

Is it just me, or do their expressions sum up their relationship?

“Is that a new body?”

Only on Doctor Who.

^The above comment applies to both the question and the eyeliner choice^

“This old thing, please, I’ve been rocking it for centuries.”

Hahaha, oh Doctor, how cute. What could ruin this happy moment?

Oh.

OH.

OH SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL

WAIT IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY NO NO IT IS NOT

In this shot we hear Clara, showing off her Amy Pond:

“What are you? Why do I keep forgetting you?”

Oh, honey.

By the way, that shot shows an awful lot of swagger for a man with some of his greatest enemies strolling behind him. I shan’t get my hopes up, but if that’s the Cyber-Planner back from the dead, I will forgive the BBC for everything they’ve ever done to me.

“The Time Lord has entered the trap.”

“If you’re smart, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there’s one thing you never, ever put in a trap.”

“You will die in silence, Doctor!”

What, again? wait

Are you telling me that this episode is still running on fuel it got from season five?

*slow clap*

“Clara, step away from it!”

Really, really good advice, usually. Shall we see if Clara takes it?

Surprise, surprise.

“YOLO”

Oh please, now I have to be scared of Weeping-Angels-hidden-in-the-snow? Am I not already afraid of weeping angels, snow-that’s-probably-ash, and snowmen separately? This is starting to seem a little extreme.

::Gratuitous TARDIS action shot::

“Everything ends, Clara. Sooner than you think.”

Or else nothing would ever get started? Still, it’s Christmastime. What happened to that “happy crying” we had a couple years back?

Aaaand there’s your answer. Curse you Silence[exceptnotreallybecauseImissedyou].

New screwdriver? Timey-wimey thing? A machine that goes ‘ding’?

How about a totally out-of-context toy dog? Yeah, BBC knows what you want.

Clara: “Change the future.”

Doctor: “I can’t.”

Clara, you’re not going not let him off that easy, are you?

*Audible gasps heard around the world*

YES. Yes, please. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for a proper explanation and backstory for this scene from season six. Unless your idea is “since season six,” in which case, yeah, you got it. That wasn’t a very hard guessing game.

Yeah, Oncoming Storm, you go. You assemble a cabinet at them. 

“The Time War will begin anew.

What, um NO that is SO not Emma Approved.

Run, you clever girl. And isn’t it time the Doctor said that? If he says it in this episode, I will be requiring a high-five. And probably tissues, but let’s not get into that quite yet.

The siege of Trenzalore is now begun.

*Manages to growl and cry simultaneously*

Oh, Daleks exploding, good. That’s something I can get behind.

This world will burn.”

#Judging You

“GURL. You need to burn that makeup.”

I can’t get over how well-done this episode looks. By the by, have you ever felt a sort of overwhelming dread and denial accompanied by unbounded enthusiasm and excitement?

… I’m, um, asking for a friend.

The Internet is Lava No More

Spoiler alert

This is not a drill

If you have not seen the Day of the Doctor, then run for the hills. (And then watch Day of the Doctor)

Now then.

Where were we?

Oh yes.

How many times did I die during that episode?

Twelve.

“No sir! … Thirteen.”

DO YOU GET IT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa*cough*

Sorry. Review. Got it.

This moment right here represents a very real and present problem for me –

I love the idea of Peter Capaldi as the Doctor.

I do not love the idea of Matt Smith ever not being the Doctor.It’s a vicious cycle made up of emotional dependence on fictional people.

But this moment – this moment really was amazing. Thirteen doctors in one scene. Thirteen doctors in one season would have been impressive, let alone a thirty-second time slot with each Doctor helping teleport a planet. I admit, I’m not entirely sure how they made that work, but hey, it’s Doctor Who, and some things you just have to let happen.

Like how some guns are manufactured to shoot perfectly formed, perfectly spaced letters into a wall.

Sure, that’s a thing.

But these weren’t the only things worth mentioning in this episode. Every scene with more than one Doctor was absolutely stellar; to be perfectly honest, I felt like I was just reading some really, really fantastically well-written fanfiction.

Because this sort of thing doesn’t just happen in canon, does it?

APPARENTLY SO

I have to say, one of my favorite scenes was the three Doctors in the Tower of London together, 10, 11, and 8.5(?), discussing timey wimey and the mechanics of a wooden door.

And, of course, Clara.

actually figuring out the mechanics of a wooden door.

By the way, let’s talk about Clara. At this point in her life, she has already saved the Doctor’s life. Dashed herself into confetti versions of herself and spread them about the Doctor’s timeline to save every single Doctor. And in this episode, she saved Gallifrey.

Clara saved Gallifrey.

I mean, of course, the Doctor is the one[thirteen] who did the marvelous timey-wimey spacey-wacey thing that hid Gallifrey in some obscure pocket universe, but Clara convinced him to. Clara has saved not only the Doctor, but literally EVERY LIVING TIME LORD.

*slow clap*

Wait, while we’re already slow clapping, let’s add this scene to the list of slow-clap worthy moments.

*slow clap*

*accompanied by euphoric sobs and murmurings of “Gallifrey falls no more!”*

Before I close out, I must say, I liked 8.5 way more than I thought I would. I never thought I’d dislike him, but I certainly never expected him to be fantastic, and I was pleasantly surprised. And his victorious “Gallifrey stands!” stood up quite well to all the other Doctors’ catchphrases.

Speaking of new Doctors, if you’ve been downwind of the internet in the past forty-eight hours, you may have heard the calls for Kate Osgood (also known as Scarf Girl) to be the next companion of Peter Capaldi’s Doctor. They seem like they would make a charming pair, but with so little known about Twelve or Kate, maybe it’s too soon to speculate.

…

“too soon to speculate” she said to the Doctor Who fandom.

I’M KIDDING YOU GUYS

Go crazy with those speculations, I want to hear all of them.

And hey! *raises screwdriver*

Here’s to the hundredth anniversary!