Trailer Breakdown for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

 

Yesterday, the benevolent spirits known as Warner Brothers sent us a gift we’ve waited nearly three Christmases for: The official trailer for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. That’s right. Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday when you were a little bit disappointed by An Unexpected Journey? And like just last night you were joyfully surprised by The Desolation of Smaug?

Well, morning has come, and the moment has once again presented itself for you to get emotionally invested in Middle Earth.

Okay, I know this is no way to start a breakdown, but they aren’t even trying to make this not look like a Sherlock episode now. Look at that empty chair across from him. It’s season two all over.

“One day,  I’ll remember.

“I’ll remember everything that happened.

Foreshadowing shot? Nah.

“The good, the bad…

What a cute little town

sWEET MOther of pearl

“Those that survived, and those that did not.”

Move along, no forshadowing here. These are not the plot twists you’re looking for.

♪”A mist behind, the world ahead,

YES. This song is my jam. Pippin, I missed you so hard.

Merry Christmas, I got you heartbreak and an overhanging melancholy

♪”There are many paths to tread.

That, my friend, is the look of someone who was volunteered to help tear down after a get-together. We feel you, Kili.

Fun Fact: If you look at this image for sixty seconds without blinking, you’ll start crying for all sorts of different reasons!

♪”Through shadow to the edge of night,

Ah, yes. This December, witness: The meaningful stares…

… And the Mulan parallels.

♪”Until the stars are all alight.

And see the defining chapter, featuring: the meaningful stares…

♪”Mist and shadow,

… And the Mulan parallels.

You know, the saga starring the meaningful stares.

Oh. And…

… The Frozen parallels?

♪”Cloud and shade…”

“You have peace or war!”

That’s almost a great title for a book, thought Bilbo, the budding novelist.

♪”All shall fade.”

“I will have war.”

Badly done, Emma. Thorin, my old friend. Think this through. Look, if you would just turn to your left, I bet you’d get some valuable insight.

Yes, sound advice indeed.

I have to apologize for this. See, I briefly considered trying to get a cool action shot of Thranduil, but I think this was the better decision.

And good golly, I’m on a roll.

♪”All shall…

Looks like someone let the “Pale Orc” comments get to him. Look at that healthy, sun-kissed glow.

You know what’s cool about the Hobbit? It is an important source of representation for those of us who want to have adventures, but are certain we’d spend its entirety with that exact face. 

Mm. You can feel these shots. 

And now a word from the makers of the Hobbit: PLEASE SEE IT IN 3D, WE SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON THIS

… But all 3D bashing aside, I have to admit that the eye of Sauron in 3D is a pretty good motivator for a 2.5 hour headache.

♪”… Fade.”

“Will you follow me one last time?”

Whatever Thorin, thought Gandalf. It’s not like it could get any worse. I’m so over you tiny little chumps running around like you own the place. I’m the only one who does any real work here. I should lead my own revolution.

– Actual Quote From the Hobbit by Jerry Tolkien

I don’t want to go into battle. I want to stay alive and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through Rivendell, firing arrows into the sunset.

(This internal dialogue could belong to either one of these two long-haired archers. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.)

And then there’s our hero:

…

But in all seriousness, I’m pretty sure their unanimous decision was “Yes, but I refuse to act like I ever agreed to, you tiny dictator.”In other news, you are unspeakably excited about this movie, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now jump up and down with me.

Google Searches and Talking to Smog

One of the most interesting things about life is the paths it takes you on, and what doors it opens for you whether or not you asked for them.

For instance: you are reading my blog. Imagine that.

You may be one of my followers, or you may have been a stranger until this exact moment. You may even be one of those people who came here by complete accident and then began flailing around frantically, trying to get out. This post is dedicated to those people.

When you have a blog with WordPress, you can check your stats and see how many people made their way to your blog. There’s a section on the stats page where you can see what terms were typed into search engines to help people find you. And I can tell you right now, most of the searches that brought people here were not fruitful.

So I thought I’d address those odd searches here – if you are looking for serious information on any of the following search terms that I dragged off of my stats page, you should probably look somewhere else.

Now –

busty girl problems

Busty Girl Problems is a webcomic for ladies that is hilariously accurate; furthermore, it is a webcomic I very briefly referred to in a post five months ago and never mentioned again. But that search term is still bringing people here.

Every time I click on “stats” and find out someone searched for Busty Girl Problems and was interrupted by my frighteningly chaotic fangirling, I ache a little on the inside. I’m sorry, guys.

say it out loud a fangirl

This was searched twice. What am I missing out on? It sounds remarkably like song lyrics. If any aspiring song-writers out there have way too much time on their hands and have lost control of their lives anyway, I would love for you to write me this song. If you do, I will personally make you a strawberry lemonade. I might drink it, but I will dedicate it to you.

hobbit elves

I can see it now.

“Hobbit-Elves. Fifty percent Hobbit. Fifty percent Elf. All adventure.”

When this movie happens (someone make this happen), I want all of us to get together and watch the B-movie of the century. Yes? I’ll bring nutella.

Bilbo talking to smog

Oh, you mean “Smaug.” That’s an easy one to misspell. Don’t worry, you’re not judged here.

You may be made fun of, but not judged.

deadpool babysitting

Are you googling this because you signed up to babysit Deadpool and now you need help? Or are you looking to hire Deadpool to babysit your child? Either way, you should get off the internet and find professional help.

why is it taking so long to make httyd [HowToTrainYourDragon] 2?

YOU TELL ME.

sherlock firefly crossover

I don’t know if this search brought you any actual crossover fan art, fanfiction, or fanvid, but your dream is beautiful, and I hope it came true.

how does fandom feel about steven moffat

Well, anything said about fandom is going to be a generalization, but I’ll do my best: How do you feel when someone whom you care for holds your hand? And then takes a rusty razor to your hand and dunks it in lemon juice? And then offers you a new hand next season? And you have to wait three years for the next season Fandom feels a bit like that about Steven Moffat.

feel like i have been kicked in the shins when i have not

If this search term brought you to my blog instead of to the licensed physician you need to speak to, I apologize.

birthday party ideas teenagers fangirls sherlock who merlin

After you switch to decaf, I think you should definitely invite me to this party.

“fandom” “real life”

This one is my favorite, not for the terms, but because the Googler in question chose to place quotation marks around the terms. I believe the Googler must have heard these words spoken somewhere, but couldn’t understand the context; so, in a mist of confusion, said Googler sat down at his laptop and called to mind the strange new words he had heard that day.

“Fandom. Real life.” He sighed as he typed out the mysterious terms he had heard so much about. “Time to find out what you are.” He hit the search button.

And his life was never the same again.