Trailer Breakdown for The Maze Runner

You’ve noticed, I’m sure, the signs of the new season. Spring, when one’s thoughts turn toward YA novel-to-movie adaptions. In honor of the occasion, 20th Century Fox has released the the official trailer for the Maze Runner. You’re very, very welcome, they say in soothing tones to the crazed, trilogy-wielding teenagers outside their building.

Please, friends, enjoy the trailer, and then join me in trying very hard not to scream about this trailer in public.

*rickety elevator sounds*

Aw. It’s like being born, but more fully-dressed and more people judging you for being alive.

But just as sweaty and confused, I think.

“Day one, Greenie. Rise and shine.”

There was a boy called Eustace Scrubb Gally, and he almost deserved it.

“What is this place?”

What is This Place, the new album from Thomas of the Glade. Featuring the hit single, “Why Is Everyone Here So Obsessed with the Words ‘Klunk’ and ‘Shuck’?” 

“Can you tell me your name?”

“I – I can’t remember anything.”

Between YA novels and the Bourne movies, I feel like memory loss is the best thing that could happen to my personal story arc.

Aw, what a peaceful little community. As far as freaky post-apocalyptic futures go, this one is rather nice.

“Who put us here?”

 Alby’s name is a little bolder than everyone else’s name. I’m going to believe that he deepened it a few minutes before Thomas popped out of the box for the streamlining of the Glade tour. He does look pretty proud of it.

Dystopian Boy band shot. I approve. Nothing seems inherently bad about this place so far.

“We don’t know.”

And yet you seem pretty chill about the whole thing. It’s whatever. Our lives are just kind of shrouded in mystery and a sense of evil.

“What’s out there?”

“The Maze.”

“Newt! I know what we’re gonna do today!”

It is wonderful to see you here, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, and especially with more than one line per twenty minutes (hopefully).

Aw man, beautiful set design. Love me some ominous clouds. The place is seeming a little less friendly.

“Every night, when those doors open,

“The runners look for a way out.

Well, that’s certainly a spiffier-looking map than I imagined it to be. But then again, I imagined the Hunger Games cornucopia as woven out of straw, so maybe I shouldn’t talk.

“No one has ever survived a night in the maze.”

[more visible in actual trailer]

[however, still visible enough for me to realize that my imagined version of Grievers, one that looked like Roz from Monster’s Inc., was very, very wrong]

[But again, I’m apparently not very good at this visualization thing]

“What happens to them?”

If you’ve noticed that exactly 100% of the things Thomas has said so far have been referring to his utter ignorance of everything, then you can feel sure that he is portraying his literary counterpart correctly. And all of the readers, for that matter.

Confused? Good. Settle in for two hours of the emotion known as “wut.”

In related news, it took me three years to even get a shot this bad.

-by James Dashner-

“We don’t belong here.”

Is that supposed to be a Beetle blade? I pictured that rather differently. It was totally woven out of straw in my imagination

“No, that is not slime. You are secreting mucus!”

“I think it’s time we find out who we’re really up against.”

This looks like the Incredibles.

This really looks like the Incredibles.

“Everything started changing the moment you showed up.”

Shut up, Eustace. You’re not exactly the best with change.

Let me guess. Four-movie saga for three books? *flips table* 

“It’s a girl.”

And the oscar for best facial expression goes to Ferb Fletcher.

And while we’re on the subject, I would like to direct your attention to how the faces from left to right are a brilliant scale from “NOPE” to “about bloody time.”

“Thomas!”

“Oh my gosh, Teresa, not in front of my friends.”
I see you driving ’round town with the girl I love, and I’m like –

(Read it again in a whisper, to a twisted version of the original tune. Experience enhanced by ten points.)

That’s a very clean skull. Do they have a taxidermist class in the Glade, or have they been saving it for years for this occasion?

“Why are we different?”

“What if we were sent here for a reason?”

Okay, so all the new kids speak in a series of questions that people are tired of answering.

And anyway, if no one else is going to sing “baby, we were born to run” I am only too happy to volunteer.

“You’re not like the others,

“You’re curious.

Like, “curiosity killed the cat” curious, or like “you’re a freak” curious?

I’m gonna put you down for “both.”

“But if you want to stay here,

“Not yet, Ferb.”

-Scene added for glorious hair-wooshing-

“I need to know that you’re going to follow the rules.”

“lol yolo”

Newt and Gally need to get together and even out their reactions a little bit.

Oh, look. Claustrophobia. Haha, excuse me for a moment.

*has panic attack*

*has separate panic attack but in a good way*

“Coming soon”? That is the worst thing you could say. Try August 13th.

That’s almost soon! I feel like someone should give a pep talk or something. Okay, here you go: Be careful. Don’t die.

(Who am I kidding)

Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined Part 2

In Part 1 of Career Mapping for the Fictionally Inclined, I discussed how important it is to begin thinking about what you will do with your life one day. The fictional world is full of career opportunities, and in the interest of deciding which one is best for us, I have extended the job search.

Let’s begin.

Disney Princess.

Upside: Do I have to explain the upsides of being a Disney princess? I can talk to animals, have spectacular hair, my wardrobe is superb, I can sing in public and not get weird looks, and handsome prince is often involved at some point.

Downside: My father apparently has terrible judgment when it comes to spouses. I, for one, would like to know how he went from marrying my mother, who was allegedly a perfect angel, to marrying an evil sorceress who murdered him shortly after the wedding. Come on, Dad. I’m sure there were signs. And if step-mothers are not an issue in my story, then there’s always some conflict, whether it be my social standing, my prince thinking I’m a dude, or how trapped in a tower I am.

Psychic Detective

Upside: So. many. snacks. Additionally, I am expected to do the finger-waving to make my psychic powers more convincing, and I can’t tell you how happy I would be to get paid for doing that. My job description? To catch killers, have adventures, flirt with clients, and work with my best friend. You know that’s right.

Downside: I literally lie for a living. This could get old after a while. I would be a considerable target for serial killers, and, if I’m being totally honest with myself, I would gain thirty pounds in the first week if I were allowed to have so many snack breaks.

X-Man

Upside: Mutant powers and world-saving – nuff said.

Downside: X-Men probably catch more drama than any other super-powered individual in the Marvel multiverse. Not only does every non-mutant person hate my guts, but somehow, by the end of the school year at Xavier’s, every student has about three ex-significant others. Not to mention, the chances of being driven insane and altering reality or destroying a planet are frighteningly high.

Maze Runner

Upside: Most prestigious position in the community. A Maze Runner gets exercise, respect, and the knowledge that he may one day solve the maze, free the Gladers, and maybe get some answers.

Downside: That “knowledge” I mentioned above is a bit closer to wishful thinking than a state of knowing. And I’d have to watch out for Grievers, the most terrifyingly confusing creature known to YA literature. Not cool. It’s also worth mentioning that if I run for longer than seventy-four seconds, my own body starts trying to murder me.

Gamemaker

Upside: Fabulous dress code. I could smother myself in gold powder, and not one person could question me. I could stick stickers on my face and not one person would question me. I could stitch an outfit together out of teddy bears and hand grenades and no one would question me.

Downside: The whole sending-23-kids-off-to-certain-death thing is a bit of an issue for me.

Doctor

       Wait, a doctor or the Doctor?

The Doctor.

       Of course.

Upside: Traveling through all of time and space, making friends, and saving galaxies – I could get used to this. The company vehicle has its own personality, and knows where I should go before even I do. I have no living co-workers, so no one can cramp my style. My style, by the way, would love to include wearing a vegetable or a fez.

Downside: Time is in flux, I know, but I’m sure I would still find a way to totally mess it up. I’m not a tidy crier, and I’m pretty sure I have to cry at least once a day in this occupation. The pressure of saving the universe is an intense one, and I for one would not like to see the universe under my protection. Did I mention that I have no living co-workers? Yes? Well, did I mention that that’s because I killed them?

Once again, I believe there are more fictional occupations that I missed, so feel free to give me some more ideas! And remember, when deciding which career path is best for you, be sure to factor in whether you have the right temperament, goals, and/or species to properly complement the job.

Happy hunting!