There Has to be a Reasonable Explanation | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 5

5 Mar

[Historical context -my birthdays: 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. jen’s birthdays: 20, 21, 22, 23]

You know Jennifer, sisters are known for being able to speak in a series of jokes only they understand or being able to communicate through glances. I’m stoked that we’ve gotten to experience that over the last couple decades – but I’m particularly stoked that now you know what I’m talking about when I mention such well-loved TV episodes as “the one with exploding pus” and “the hate him, wouldn’t want to date him one with witches.”

Under the circumstances, I can think of no better way to celebrate your birthday than with X-Files. Can you? No, you can’t. Do you want to know why?

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My girl is so right. Let’s go.

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Jen, look at you hitting that twenty-four-year mark! You’re absolutely killing it.

Yeah, I could only briefly look for a gif to match that phrase.

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I have to draw lines, I really do. This is a birthday, and a birthday calls for something more cheerful than gifs about alien deaths. Wholesome images! Images about life and its possibilities!

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By the way, I love what you’ve done with yours. Even if Jen-smiling-in-front-of-a-lighthouse has pretty much become a meme back here in the Beaver state, we’re always so happy to see pictures of your cute face.

For your birthday, I’m gonna get you so many things. I’m gonna get you Moana. I’m gonna get you something yummy to eat. I’m gonna get you to look at this gif.

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Best present of all, right? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh haha wow I have to stay on topic. What was this post about? You? I think so. Let’s talk about you! Let’s talk about how you’ve spent the last 24 years being a top notch 10/10 human being. You make people comfortable, and you make them laugh, and for that everyone who knows you would like to thank you.

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It’s weird to have you so far away. I hope you’re making good choices without me to keep you in check with regular Doctor Who nights and that one pancake recipe I know. If you ever feel unsure, just don’t forget what you learned in Oregon before California ever got its paws on you.

If you ever do lose your way and get yourself in trouble, just be honest.

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Keep working hard, taking it easy, smiling, and trying new things. Who knows what you’ll see?

Jesus loves you, I love you, and frankly, I don’t think California can resist loving you. At the end of the day, what more could anyone want?

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You’re 24 today. One more time – Happy birthday. Don’t forget to treat yourself, kiddo.

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How to Get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

26 Feb

This month I had the singular experience of spending 55 hours out of a week in the Portland Expo Center in Oregon. No, I’m okay. Thanks for asking, though.

This was part of an annual trek to Portland for the PNW Sportsmen’s Show. During the five days of this show, the Expo Center houses hundreds upon hundreds of booths advertising guided trips, equipment, books, and about ninety different varieties of beef jerky. To translate into terms this blog has become accustomed to, people go to Sportsmen’s Shows for the same reasons people go to comic conventions:

  • To connect with like-minded people
  • To learn about new developments in the industry
  • To spend $11.99 on a single soft pretzel because the lack of vitamin D is having its way with your good sensibilities

My personal reason for attending was that my dad was running a booth and we agreed five days in this manner was a bit much for one person. Now hear this, I knew what I was getting into. I’ve been to dozens of Sportsmen’s Shows and I spent the full 5 days in the booth last year as well.

The show is massive, friendly, and it offers a diverse amount of booths to cater to every outdoor interest. Hunting, fishing, hiking, you name it. It’s also a lot, and that’s the best way I can put it as someone who can not handle a lot. It’s a lot of sweaty people in one place looking for an excuse to tell you about that kokanee fishing trip they went on last summer.

Thousands of people attend the Sportsmen’s Show in Portland every year, but, sadly, it doesn’t mean that they all have the best experience that they can have. You know what I call that? I mean, familiar, but also – a darn shame.

Let’s fix this.

How to get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

  1. Get the map at the doorImage result for reading a map gif

What’s that? You have a great sense of direction? That’s the devil talking. How do you think you’re gonna find That One Guide’s booth again once you wander away? Ask different guides in different booths? Haha, sure you will, you awful jerk. Don’t do that. Get the map. Read the map.

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  1. Bring snacks

To be fair, this is against the rules. On the record: don’t bring snacks. Bring $36 so you can buy three soft pretzels instead. This has been my official and legal statement.

  1. Pet the dogsImage result for petting dog ghibli gif

People don’t bring their dogs to the show because their dogs ask to come along. They bring their dogs because they love their dogs and want other people to see how lovable said dogs are. Do your civic duty and tell the dogs they’re beautiful. Ask them how they became the best dogs in the world. Share your secrets with them. Just pet the dogs.

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  1. Buy something

Bring your allowance and treat yourself. You don’t have to buy something at my booth (you should but you don’t have to). Just buy something. There are a lot of deals you won’t be able to get anywhere else, and also – did you pay entry just to window shop? Why???

  1. Watch the jokesImage result for chat noir bad joke gif

Scenario: You walk past a tasteful camouflage display.

Options: A) walk by B) ask staff about their product C) Say “Whoa, didn’t see you there!” D) literally anything except for option C.

Correct Answer: every answer that wasn’t C. Look, you won’t be the first person to tell this kind of a joke. You won’t even be the second, the third, or the ninth. You will be politely smiled at and then promptly cussed out once you walk away. For the love of humanity, keep any and all camo jokes inside your head.

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  1. Bingo

In anticipation of spending 10 hours out of each day inside a concrete box, I created a bingo card for use at the show. You can print mine or make your own. It’s a great tool for encourage you to notice and look for specific things.

 

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     7. Just have a good time

Everyone is there to enjoy themselves and to meet other people who are enjoying themselves. Keep your cool when it gets crowded, take a chill pill if your favorite vendor runs out of a certain product, and strike up conversations with the people around you. Share your positive thoughts and keep your judgmental ones to yourself.

Unless your positive thought is a camo joke.

In that case, shut your dirty mouth and get right out of my face

Trailer Breakdown for Stranger Things Season 2

5 Feb

While a televised Let’s Play was being watched by over 114 million Americans today, the TV in my home was unmuted for a whole 37 seconds.

You already know what it is.

Of course – if you don’t, then hit the newest official teaser for Stranger Things Season 2 and when you get back, I’ll still be here, screaming into a pillow.

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We open on a scene each of us have experienced first-hand, especially if, like most Americans, you are a literal member of the Brady Bunch.

“L’eggo my eggo!”

“You l’eggo my eggo!”

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Static. Brady Bunch turns a little Last Chance Detective.

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Turns a little Twilight Zone.

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“Eleven!”

I’m out-of-my-mind stoked that we have solid proof that Eleven is going to be as important in this season as she was in the last, but! Is!! She!! Staying properly hydrated!! She bleeds a lot and I’m worried

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You know what? ALL these kids need water bottles. Look at those nerds! They never get off their bikes unless they’re playing D&D campaigns or actively dying.

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First new shot of Hopper. Sorry I couldn’t get you a image where it doesn’t look like a picture you took by accident with a disposable camera when you were nine, but what’s more authentic 1984 than bad lighting and mistakes?

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This season is set in 1984, one year after the events of the first season that left us with unbearable amounts of questions, fan speculation, and people dressed as Eleven for Halloween.

(I’m not judging, I was wearing a wig and carrying a frozen waffle box just like you were.)

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Anyway, if Dustin and the Pussycats can rock their cosplays with this much confidence and charisma, I’m pretty sure none of us have to think twice about ours ever again.

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What’s Hopper dressed up for Halloween as, Indiana Jones? Lando? Or is he gonna shelve that one this year for the kids’ sakes?

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freedom for america, freedom for france

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The time stamps show that Eleven is being tested the night before Halloween. Hopefully she’s being asked about any other costume ideas she might have. If it is anything else, I’m going full mom and tearing this thing down.

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I’m going fULL MOM AND TEARING THIS THING DOWN

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Slenderman #confirmed

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Enjoy this shot of official Netflix admission that No, Will Has Not Suffered Enough™

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Same.

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If there’s something strange/in your neighborhood/who you gonna call?

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!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express how ready for this I am. If we work together, we can run this hype train for the better part of a year, right? The mouth-breathers at Netflix are making us wait a little over 8 months for this shining gem, but I’m comfortable considering this a birthday present. It’s almost eggo season again, kiddos. I’m ready.

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Hey by the way, did the Compatriots or the Meg Falconers win the Puppybowl?

Baby, Seasons Change but People Don’t.

30 Jan

What season is it now?

Don’t give me that “winter” garbage. It’s not winter. I’m not counting down the days until Christmas anymore, and when I put on a sweater, no one looks at me and sings”sweater weather!” They look… sad.

Obviously it’s not spring. I wore a t-shirt last week and if it hadn’t been for a selfless act of love, my heart would have frozen solid. I saw a swarm of eleven beautiful robins yesterday, but I think they were arguing about who had gotten them lost.

My personal sanity hinges on having something oming up to look forward to, and the nearest celebration is Super Bowl Sunday, which is the one dy a year I hope no one talks to me about what’s on TV.

So, what season is it now? I have the answer. It’s the first season of A Series of Unfortunate Events, honey. And it’s phenomenal.

Patrick Warburton’s portrayal of Lemony Snicet is at once upsetting and delightful, a mixture only ever associated with the Lemony Snicket I know and love. The writing is a marvelous marriage of the classic books and new ideas. The incrdible cast is frosting on the cake and Daniel Handler’s Hitchcock-esque cameos are the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake.

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I started to read the Austere Academy again when I finihed the series to better imagie how Netflix is going to bring it to life in season two. Listen. Listen. No one s more excited about Carmelita Spats than I am, and I will fight you on that.

I don’t want to give any spoilers to any o you who haven’t inished yet, so I will close with this – nothing could make me happier than to know that this horrible, wretched, depressing story is being televisd to reach and repel as large a goup of people as possible.

It’s exactly the opposite of what Mr. Snicket would want.

Now. If you’re done feeling annoyed by my grammatical errors, then take a figurative page out of Lemony Snicket’s literal book (Specifically, The Wide Window) and find out what I’m really trying to say here. 

The world is quiet here.

Construction Zone

27 Jan

Happy Friday!

This is not a typical post, and if you are reading it on the site, then you can see why it’s not typical when you take a look around. Let me summarize what you’re looking at: This blog is a construction zone. I’m changing the title and URL, re-designing the look, and updating old pages. Why am I doing this? Allow me to answer that question with a question –

Have you ever said the name “Freak of Fandom” out loud?

I love my sixteen-year-old self, but she’s never allowed to name anything for me ever again.

Let’s do a brief, self-guided Q&A before the URL change officially takes place.

Why are you changing the name to “Just Blank to be Here?”

I talk about fandom a lot, but it’s not all I talk about – it never has been. It’s an odd feeling to publish a personal post or write a devotional on my own site and feel like it doesn’t belong there. There have been a number of serious posts I left in the drafts because I felt like it was a lie to publish them under the brightly-colored banner of Fandom. A more detailed explanation of the new name will be on my updated “about” page.

What else will change?

The post type will be pretty much the same – it’s still me, after all. However, I will feel less embarrassed when people bring up this mess of an online diary and I might start saying my blog title out loud again. There will also be actual updates. !

Anything I should do?

Weird question, self, but I have an answer for you. Because of the URL change from freakoffandom[dot]wordpress.com to justblanktobehere[dot]wordpress.com, it is possible that some followers may find their subscription has been interrupted. If you want to continue reading my posts, unfollow me and then follow me again on the new site. If you do not want to continue reading my posts, then this is a great time to not do anything at all and simply unfollow me through lack of activity! That way, if it ever comes up when we’re talking, you can say you didn’t see this post.

(for once, I’m not being facetious; this is actually a really good game plan for those of you who need fewer emails but don’t necessarily want to hit the unfollow button on my site. I gotchu)

Thanks for reading! Your regularly scheduled programming will return shortly. Have a super cool day, kiddos.

Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined

20 Jan

Look.

Finding a job that suits you is hard.

And by the way, I would know, because this is how I’ve introduced every one of these posts since I made my first one in the Year of our Lord 2012. And as ever, I have got you covered, my friend. Introducing the be-all-end-all of aptitude tests, The Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined. 

This cheaply-but-lovingly-made quiz features all your favorite jobs that you wished you could have. Click through to reach the page and don’t forget to comment to let me know what you got.

Go. Live your dream.

 

11.5 Things Only Homo Sapiens Will Understand

13 Jan

Living that literally standard life ❤

1. When you wake up in the morning and as a direct result you’re not asleep anymore.

It’s like, really? Didn’t I do this yesterday?

2. Fixing yourself a small breakfast because you don’t have a lot of time before you have to go to work but THEN you get hungry again and have to fix yourself a light snack before lunchtime.

Like a boss!

3. “Enjoy your movie!” “You too!” 

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No one else knows what it’s like to be this awkward! This is an experience unique to you!! Non-human entities just don’t get it!!!

4. Sometimes, when you hang out with people for a really long time, you get tired.

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Like, excuse me, super nerd over here. Can everyone leave me alone with my netflix? We can’t all be extroverdes :/

5. …But when you spend a lot of time alone, you want to see one or two people you care about and have a conversation with them.

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You’re not some boring introvertebrae. You need people around you to remind you you’re people too!

6. You’ve enjoyed a cartoon as an adult.

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Looks like your inner child is alive and well! South Park here I coma;jdslf

7. You know you were a fetus for at least seven months but you don’t even remember it!

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Ugh, always forgetting stuff. We’ll just call you space cadet!

8. When you’re out in the sun, you are like, dying for a coke.

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Where’s the waiter? Bring me a tall glass of anything cold!

9. Hobbies? Yeah, you have one!

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Guilty as charged!

10. A face? You have one of those too!

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Maybe she’s born with it?

11. Literally just come into my house and kick me in the head, my front door’s wide open, I’m begging you

 

11.5. You’re not sure exactly when art turned into entertainment or when entertainment turned into actual garbage, but you sure know a dumpster when you see one!

Don’t forget to like, comment, throw your computer or mobile device through a portal to another, better world, and rate this article on a scale of Epic Fail (LOL) to #YASSSqueenSLAY

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

16 Sep

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

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“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

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I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

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Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

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Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

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Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

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“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

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THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

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“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

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Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

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It’s terminal

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“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

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On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

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It’s treasure planet

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I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

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Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

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I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

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“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

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I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

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“A boat!”

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I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

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Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

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Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

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“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

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“Hero of men.”

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“Wh-What?”

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“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

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“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

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“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

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Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

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And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

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“Did not see that coming.”

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“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

  1. the splash coming off the high-five
  2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
  3. the hair frizz
  4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

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“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

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How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

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… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

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Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.moana44

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

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!

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“They’re kinda cute!”

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!!!!!!!!!

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I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

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You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

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Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

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This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

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I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

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Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

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“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

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The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

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“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

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“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

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And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

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Peaceful!

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Charming!

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Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

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SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

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Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

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A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

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“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

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“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

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I’M READY.

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“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

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I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

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“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

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“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

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See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

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“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

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HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

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And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.

Trailer Breakdown for Jason Bourne

22 Apr

Here’s the thing – anybody who has spent a significant amount of time with me has heard me bring up the Bourne movies. It’s a fact of knowing me.

There’s not a DVD special feature I’ve missed. My sister and I have an annual Christmas tradition where we watch Ultimatum and frost cookies. My gym attendance levels spike dramatically every time I think that scene in Identity where Jason is doing pull-ups on the boat that fished him out of the sea. Of course I’d do a trailer breakdown for this bad boy.

If you haven’t seen the new preview yet, please treat yourself to the official full-length Jason Bourne trailer and then head back to literally shake with joy with me.

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“I know who I am.”

Okay, first off. “Assassin lying fully-dressed in bed looking unrested” happens like twice a Bourne movie. It’s number 7 on the Bourne Movie to-do list. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get to the full nine-item list within this trailer; these directors know what they’re doing.

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Flashbacks. Number 8 on the list, but you saw that coming.

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“When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be yourself,”

Um, one second please. Hi. I’m Mikayla. I’ve watched these movies on mental repeat in my head for the last nine years and I call bull on that quote. “When we’re finished with you, you’ll no longer be David Webb” is more specific and less catchphrase-y for a reboot trailer, but come ON Universal Studios, don’t treat me like a child.

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“I remember. I remember everything.”

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“Remembering everything doesn’t mean you know everything.”

Nicky Parsons, my  friend. Nicky, who I have wondered about for years. Nicky whose relationship to Bourne was never really “explained” so much as “hinted at across a sticky diner table.” Welcome  back, hon.

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“Tell me.”

Jason Bourne Needs Way More Information (Number 1 on the list).

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You know that “warmth” filter on instagram? Where the switch can go in either direction and one makes the picture orange and the other turns everything gray and blue?

I’m just thinking about that for some reason (And blue CIA shots are number 4).

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“We’ve just been hacked. Could be worse than Snowden.”

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If it’s already on a secure server in the CIA’s files, you probably don’t have to label that many files as “clandestine,” kid. I know you’re excited about working here but you need to chill just a little.

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“Facial recognition got a hit.”

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Ugh, Jason, it’s called a hoodie. A baseball hat, even. Come on, how long have you been in hiding? Even Jimmy Coates know about facial recognition and he’s a preteen I know it must hurt to hide that face, but please, for your own  s a k e

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“Jesus Christ, that’s Jason Bourne.”

That’s the expression of a fanboy, by the way. No judgment.

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I also want to point out that I feel a real kinship with this girl who wasn’t paying attention until someone said Jason Bourne’s name.

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“Why would he come back now?”

I really like this laid-back, yet pissed-off attitude. Just this general atmosphere that Jason Bourne is less a dangerous assassin and more a disgruntled customer that popped up with a bad review on yelp like six months after they had it out with a manager in the hallway.

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Except that now he’s gonna burn the store down and beat everyone inside with a candlestick or some trash like that.

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By the way, if you’ve gotten this far and had one of the following thoughts:

1) all these pictures are so blurry

2) we’re skipping more scenes than normal

then congratulations! You’re experiencing the effects of the Bourne To-Do list item number 9: shaky cam. We can’t do anything about it except enjoy it and keep aspirin nearby.

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“There’s a demonstration in front of the Greek Parliament building. I think she’ll use it as cover.”

It’s nice to see that she secured such a nice position at the CIA after the Man from U.N.C.L.E. I guess it’s an experience to put on the resume.

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“They tracked you. We gotta move.”

(“We Gotta Move” – Item number 2 checked off)

If the writers are gonna pull a Marie and throw my girl Nicky in front of a bullet to increase Jason Bourne’s Very Important Guilt Levels, then I’m gonna straight up walk out of the theater at the end of the movie. 

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To be honest, this display more screams “I’m going this way!” than it does “don’t follow me.” Jason Bourne is a badass drama queen and I love him for it.

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some

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BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me 🎶

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This is the pose I’m ready for. This was always the one I pulled during movie charades when a Bourne movie was the subject.

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“He’s seen things. He knows things,”

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“What if he’s not coming for us? What if it’s something else?”

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Number 3.

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What a summer for movies. Catch me getting progressively paler in a dark theater from May – August.

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Black eye. Someone hurt him and I’m calling the cops.

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Extras in Bourne movies have a rough go at life.

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“I volunteered because of a lie.”

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More rooftop fights? I’m so here for rooftop fights.

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It’s just better. There’s no limits on a rooftop fight.

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I mean, look at this garbage. You couldn’t get this is a hallway fight (I’m looking at you Daredevil).

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(Not that we haven’t gotten something like this from Daredevil before)

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(Actually I take the Daredevil thing back)

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(This is a lot like someone else)

Hey everyone.

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“This is Jason Bourne. I need to talk.”

You’re an actual poster boy for emotional problems, we know you need to talk (and Cryptic Phone Call – number 5).

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“Thirty-two kills… People are safer because of what you did.”

In case it isn’t just sullen silence and brooding good looks, Jason’s rebuttal better be something along the lines of “at least thirty-two people would disagree with you”

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Wait, we’re in Vegas now.

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Is this going to turn into a heist movie? Please turn into a heist movie.

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YEAH OCEANS FOURTEEN HERE WE COME

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Linus Caldwell is back for one more casino hit and he is pissed

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By the way, reckless driving is number 6 on the list. I’m still keeping track.

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“You’re never gonna find any peace. Not ’til you admit to yourself who you really are.”

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Mm, identity issues. I get it. Hey, don’t we all? I feel like you already had a movie with “Identity” in the title though, so we have to go another direction.

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Like this. This is a good direction.

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Gratuitous bullet-wound shot. Thanks Paul Greengrass.

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Incredible. I am out of my mind about this movie, no lie.

I just want to thank everyone who made it possible for me to dream of seeing Jason Bourne in an actual theater instead of on a dimly-lit laptop on my vanity table. Really, truly, thank you. I plan to donate at least $11.50 to your noble cause this summer.

What do you guys think? Veteran Bourne fans or otherwise – I’m actually curious as to how this movie objectively looks outside of my fangirl vision.

The Currency of Being 23 | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 4

5 Mar

Jennifer! It’s Saturday, March 5, 2016.

You know what that means.

It’s a Bob’s Burgers birthday. Because what else? (I mean besides Studio Ghibli, BBC, Psych, Community, Avengers, Taylor Swift, and fiction siblings) And anyway, who better to show us a good time than the Belcher family themselves?

Or more generally embarassing? Let’s get straight to today’s program, Jenzie.

You’re turning twenty-three today!

What a high-quality age to be. Plus, you’ve still got seven whole years left on your 30-before-30 list, and if I know anyone who specializes in stuffing as much intention and joy into a set amount of time, it’s you. So just keep being that, you over-achieving nerd.

By the way, I don’t want to hear any of your garbage about 23 being a boring age, okay? Every notch added to the amount of years you’ve been alive is an actual party and anyway, there are plenty of songs about being your age, even now that you’re no longer feeling twenty-two. (Everything will [still] be alright if you keep me next to you)

Whether we’re road tripping, watching Doctor Who on Thursday nights, or planning our debut Thanksgiving album with dad, it’s always a good time.

And I mean now??? Now we’re in New York together????? I love this. Let’s do this all the time. You have such an adventurous spirit, and you’re always hopping to another cool idea. Sorry if the fam and I overload you with snapchats and texts about tulips and keytars whenever you’re away. I know you probably hope that we take your spells away from us with quiet dignity and without any residual clinginess but…

No matter what you do on your adventures, keep your eyes on what’s important, and live for something bigger than yourself. We aren’t each of us responsible for our existence, but we’re 100% responsible for our lives, and the way our lives touch others. We have to seize every moment and live it to the fullest, because we never know what’s going to happen next.

Unsurprisingly, Gene speaks the truth. Just remember nothing you’ll go through is truly hopeless. No burden you’re given cannot be overcome (but complaining never hurt anyone either).

And never doubt that you are loved. (of course, anyone you’ve ever met will tell you that) Thanks for always being an awesome sibling and and friend to your super cute sisters.

I know you always say you’re Louise, so thank you for somehow using your evil powers for the better of the people around you. But as Tina, I am ready to dispense some wisdom to you in your twenty-third year.

  • Keep yourself safe by keeping yourself smart.

  • Never be afraid of sincerity.

  • Take special time to take care of the things that are important to you.

  • (On that note, always make sure your priorities are straight.)

  • Don’t be afraid to try new things!

You know, actually, let me try that again. Don’t be afraid to try new things!

Perfect.

  • And know when to treat yourself. Pro Tip: Today. Treat yourself today.

I hope this year is one of the best for you, but still only one in a very long line of ever-improving years. Happy birthday Jennifer, and God bless! It’s gonna be a good day whether you like it or not, dang it. We have a SCHEDULE to follow.