Trailer Breakdown for a Wrinkle in Time

19 Jul

The good news is that this year, the Disney D23 expo didn’t stop for breath. There was the Edna Mode feature, the bite-sized Wreck-It Ralph 2 teaser, the Star Wars Ep. VIII Behind-the-Scenes featurette, and way more. However, one bit of news caught my attention the most, and to no one’s surprise, I’m about to start yelling about it.

A Wrinkle in Time,  my long-time, all-time favorite book is being adapted for the big screen (in a second and hopefully better-fated attempt). I promise, I could not be more excited.

Feast your eyes on the official Wrinkle in Time trailer here, then head back here for circle time. I have one or two discussion points I want to go over.

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Yeah, um, okay is it too early to start talking about symbolism?? And subtext??? Meg Murry, this wonderfully screwed-up girl who has such a huge image problem that she purposely exhausts her audience by never shutting up about it and picking fights at school because it’s the only thing she can think of to do with her personality help I’m shaking????

 

“What if we are here… for a reason?”

Oh my gosh. I literally could not be listening closer. Talk to me about greater purpose, I’ll eat it the hECK up

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The cinematography is already making me cry, but through my joy-induce bleariness, I can tell that Calvin, mister-star-of-the-basketball-team is probably in this scene, staying hidden until he’s relevant (and aren’t we all).

“What if we are part of something truly divine?”

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“Imagine! Ninety-one billion light years traveled – “

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this number has some special significance. Look, Mr. Murry, after a certain amount of “billions,” all normal people hear is “a lot.”

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” – Like that.”

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(Nightmare version of Sweet Dreams begins to play)

I wasn’t sure until this moment in the trailer, but I am over the moon that Disney has this movie taking the trippy route. This book wrote the book on trippy.

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Starring the winter night sky in Animal Crossing: New Leaf

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“Your father has accomplished something extraordinary.”

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The book began after Everything With Dad™ went down, so I’m stoked we get to see Meg and her dad looking happy. That warms my heart.

Kay now let’s get to the spooky stuff

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“Also dangerous.”

LOOK WHO JUST BECAME RELEVANT

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Let me explain something real quick. I loved Wrinkle in Time and its characters for a number of reasons, but up there in the top ninety-one billion was how protective of each other Meg and Calvin become after 9.1 seconds of getting to know each other.

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That in mind, I usually try not to include dark, cloudy screenshots in these breakdowns because a fading scene means it’s time to start thinking about the next scene, but I’m just not ready to stop thinking about this scene

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Turn up your screen’s brightness, I’m talking about THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE

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Okay, all right, there are more things that happen in the trailer. Like isolation and darkness.

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“He’s trapped by a darkness…”

Hearing Oprah’s voice creeping through a voiceover is eerie and calming at once. I guess that’s what the book was all about.

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“… That’s actively spreading throughout the universe.”

Still,  Oprah’s Book Club means something new to me now.

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Here, we get our first look at Mindy Kaling as Mrs. Who, and the house of actual dreams.

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Calvin and Meg make up exactly 2/3 of the people that I should see in this scene. #OperationFindCharlesWallace

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“And the only one who can stop it -“

Mrs. Who is looking for Charles Wallace too

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“Is you.”

MY GIRL

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“Be a warrior.”

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“I’ll try.”

MY *sniffs* GIRL

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Mrs. Whatsit makes an appearance! Using her semi-psychic powers to find Charles? Time will tell.

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Honestly the use of colors and sharp, angular imagery gives me a lot of hope that this movie is going to be the Dr. Strange of children’s science fiction movies. You know what I’m talking about?

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I’m there.

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Found: One six-year-old boy. Answers to Charles Wallace. Please tell his family and any concerned parties that he’s okay (except for the imminent danger)

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Also Found: Three possible angels. Answer to light telepathy and quotations from long-dead poets.

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Aunt Beast?? Malevolent creatures??? Various strange beings???? I’m sold I don’t even care

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While I don’t know if anything or anyone will ever beat his performance as the Joker in Lego Batman, I’m still pretty fired up to see Zach Galifinakis play a walking pun.

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The more landscape scenes we get, the more years are added to my life.

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“You’re going to be tested every step of the way.”

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HO BOY

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These scenes are getting to be rapid-fire now. I’m kicking into brief-analysis mode. Calvin’s in trouble (probably because he and Meg are not holding hands)

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Meg’s upset (probably because she and Calvin are not holding hands) and Charles Wallace is just sort of preparing for death

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Mr. Jenkins is making the most Mr. Jenkins-esque face possible (confused, ill-tempered, and almost crying)

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Chris Pine is in agony

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“Trust nothing.”

The quick pace grinds to a halt as we enter the neighborhood from that one suburbia episode of X-Files, or maybe the neighborhood that Edward Scissorhands’ girlfriend was from. Or it could be place where Chuck  Bartowski and Sarah went undercover in their second season. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like, 1000% evil, and that’s all I know.

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“Darling! Time for dinner!”

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Do you think Charles Wallace wishes he were tall enough to be in any of the shots? Or do you think he’s above that kind of thinking?

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“Are you lost?”

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Literally or emotionally? (in either case, the answer is yes)

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Me when people tell me I’m being too dramatic

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In every shot of this trailer, Meg looks more ready to face monsters than she did in the last. Which, I think, makes Calvin’s expressions even better by comparison.

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New Zealand is just the place to be if you want to be a magical creature fighting evil, I guess. Look out for hobbits.

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The youngest Murry makes a final, fierce appearance to make sure you don’t forget that you wouldn’t have even MET any of these people if it weren’t for ME, Meg, you wanted to hide in the house and cry about drifters in the neighborhood and how you weren’t pretty enough and Mr. Jenkins hated you and oh my GOSH

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“The only thing faster than light is the darkness.”

One cheerless quote to tie it all together.

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On that note? Join me for a glorious story about love, family, and hope in the spring of 2018.

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I’m gonna be there, and I’m gonna be screaming.

Field Guide to North American Office Staff

7 May

Regardless of how true it is that every person is unique in their experiences, interests, and strengths,  everyone’s had an unexpected deja vu when shaking someone’s hand for the first time.

Whether it’s a face or a personality, humans are always drawing comparisons from people we are meeting to people we already know. That feeling goes away the better you get to know someone, but first impressions take a while to shake, particularly if that impression was that you might as well have already known the person in question.

I’ve worked in a number of offices (Do you like how I won’t reveal how many? I think it’s cute), and I’ve met a number of interesting people there (Do you like how I won’t revealing how many? I think it). What I have really found interesting though, is that you get to meet certain people again and again when you go from office to office.

It may be that a certain kind of person gravitates towards office jobs, or it may just be a small world. You tell me. Here are the people you meet in an office, Five-People-You-Meet-in-Heaven-style.

Related image1. The Walking Dead on AMC

This person shows up bright and early every morning with a face they probably pulled off of someone else for a snack on the way to work. It’s hard to tell if their expression is calm or angry. They seem to know everything; and if they find something they do not know how, they dismiss it as unimportant. How long have they worked here? Longer than anyone can remember.

How to Identify One: Ask them how it’s going. If they’re a Walker, they’ll respond, “Oh. It’s going.” Bonus points awarded if they then proceed to take the longest sip of coffee you’ve ever seen in your life.

Variant: Warm Bodies. This version of the Walking Dead has a heart of gold. Slow and decaying, but golden.

2. I Don’t Break Pens I Destroy Them by Saint MotelImage result for pen chewing gif

This person spends a lot of time on the phone; they spend a lot of that time looking for something to do with their hands. They spend the most time disfiguring, chewing on, and snapping writing utensils into numerous sections. No one is sure if this is a sign of aggression or boredom, but it’s taking its toll on the office either way. The Pen Destroyer will often pat the desk and demand to know where the pen they were using went – it’s on the floor. It’s in eleven pieces.

How to Identify One: Try to check out their pockets or purse before they leave work. Are they sneaking a few pens home for further torture? Report them immediately. This can’t go on.

Variant: Michelangelo. The Michelangelo sub-type couples every phone message with an elaborate drawing of geometric angles and/or anime beta flashes.

Image result for youtube storytime gif3. The Youtuber

No one in the office is sure when, how, or why they know everything about this person’s life, but the fact remains that everyone does. Didn’t the Youtuber just start work last month? Have they been talking the whole time or something? There’s no way that you’ve had enough time to get to know this person as well as you do now. You feel a little creepy for knowing so much about them (and you’re not sure they know anything about you), but they don’t seem to mind. Sharing is caring, after all. They must care so much.

How to identify one: You do not have to observe this person for long to understand where they are on the spectrum of office life. You do have to listen for a while, however.

Variant: Olan Rogers. The stories an Olan Rogers Youtuber tells are off the wall. You know you found one of this sort if you actively avoid work so that they can keep talking.

4. TobyImage result for the office toby gif

They’re like…. an evil snail. You hate so much of the things that they choose to be. Why are they the way that they are?

How to identify one: Chances are if there is a Toby in your life, you already have them in mind. You don’t need my help here.

Variant: Michael Scott. This is more of a reflection upon the person identifying than it is upon the identified. It signifies the moment when you realize that the person is no worse than you are but maybe you’re kind of a jerk. However, sometimes people are just evil snails; that’s the way the world is, son.

Image result for mom gif5. Mom

Don’t be fooled – this is not a gendered role within the office. Male or female, the mom is the only one a Walker will go to for help, and the only person that doesn’t seem fazed by any of Toby’s Toby-ness. They know where all the pens are and they have the courage to tell the Youtuber when it’s time to just hush, please, for the love of all that is holy. They’re the person you would talk to if you were calling in sick, and the person who would definitely bring cough drops for you when you came in afterwards.

How to identify one: This person is between the ages of 35 and 56. They’re always busy because they’re working through a long line of people trying to get advice, training, and hugs from them.

Variant: Mom, but Mad. You’ll know this one when you see it. Don’t use that tone of voice around her.

This handy identification guide should get you through your first few days near a cubicle. It’s good to have some familiarity right off the bat, but please avoid my mistakes and enjoy responsibly; like anything that generalizes human souls into nifty pop culture references, it has an expiration date and goes sour the second you realize that the people around you are people too (yeah, even the zombies).

Happy Almost-Monday!

From Where I Stand

14 Apr

Everyone who’s spent eleven minutes in a first grade Sunday School class knows that you’re required to bow your head and fold your hands when you pray. It’s a requirement that gets less strict as you age. As far as I can tell, it’s mostly meant for littles to keep them from whispering while you bend the ear of the Great Creator to thank Him for letting you be in the same room as the food you’re almost allowed to eat.

I was okay with this rule as a tiny one, but I didn’t really get it. As I grew up and found out God could hear you regardless of what position your hands were in, I started to think maybe praying eyes-open-and-face-forward was superior to it. in any case, it seemed like the way big kids prayed. Folding your hands feels very first-grade after a while.

Now, flash-forward a few years to one of the maybe nine things I know now: the cool thing about praying is that there’s no wrong way to do it, as long as you’re being honest and know that you’re talking to the one who made you.

But still – I think posture does matter. Bear with me. Kick out that image of Mia Thermopolis being told that Princesses don’t slouch (weren’t you thinking of that scene? Get out of my face I’m always thinking about Princess Diaries).

Let me go ahead and point at some other people who say this better than I do.  I have a distinct memory of one middle school church service in which we were asked to assume a “posture of reverence” before praying. I also remember blinking a few times while I processed the request. Look, I was homeschooled, I wasn’t dumb. I knew what the words meant, but I only sort of got what he was saying. Mostly, it was a strange thing to hear from the person who said it – i.e., the game leader, i.e., the coordinator of so much sixth-grader on sixth-grader violence.

It was interesting to see how the group responded to our leader’s suggestion. A couple dozen middle school kids channeled their respect into their respective positions – some bowed their heads, some tilted their heads back, some closed their eyes, and some nodded through the prayer. Obviously, I peeked or I wouldn’t know this at all. Sorry James.

But I get it now.

Another church leader I knew just a few years ago used to ask the congregation to stand when he read from the Bible. This one was a jolly good time because in the bigger crowd of a grown-up service, there were more reactions. You heard a couple of complaints from the people behind you who had “just gotten comfortable” and you saw a few people hop to their feet like they were about to welcome in a bride on her wedding day. Still, everyone stood all the same.

(they got it then)

In the Good Friday church service tonight, the pastor talked about Jesus’ sacrifice. What else can you talk about on Good Friday? We talked about a crown of thorns being pressed down over Jesus’ forehead. We talked about how a man was mocked, flogged, nailed to a cross, and impaled.  We talked about how all this was done to Him not because of anything He had done or hadn’t done, but because they didn’t believe He was who He said He was.

Quick aside: I wonder what people outside of the church must think when we start to wax eloquent about this topic. Does it sound as morbid as I think it sounds? Look – I’ve been going to church for twenty years. If I know anything, I know that we use way more blood metaphors than is probably healthy.

But the thing about the story of Jesus is that just where it gets morbid, hopeless, and dark, it gets brilliantly bright. Jesus is alive. That’s why Easter is a celebration.

When the singing started again, there was a burst of energy in the mood. People danced and laughed and cried. As we slipped into the chorus of the song, our pastor asked everybody to raise their hands as a sign of surrender to God; I swear, arms went up so fast anyone would have thought they were waiting for permission.

It wasn’t just some mob mentality. It wasn’t a tired group of people following orders. What happened tonight, and what has been happening for thousands of years when Christians get together, was a posture of reverence. It was a physical reaction to a spiritual sensation.

Bodily posture isn’t the moral of this story. It’s wonderful, and it’s a form of worship, but mental posture is where we really need to hold that respect. Everything we do comes from our attitude and our intentions. It’s really what all communication is about. How would your manner change if you were about to have a conversation with the person who created the universe with all its sunsets and birdsong and oceans and orange trees and mountains – and then felt it just as necessary to create you? The person who loved you so much He died for you?

Someone I want to be when I grow up once said, “You will never fail to meet God if you bring Him with you.” It’s worth a mention that God does not groan about having “just gotten comfortable” when you ask Him to come along. So why are you hurting yourself? Why are you waiting to be better before moving forward?

The work is done. The battle is over. Jesus already won.  Even as you think it’s gotten too dark to see, it’s about to be too bright to take. It’s only Friday. To borrow a phrase used by hopeful people the world over, Sunday is coming.

I don’t mean to shove a sermon in your face because I know I’m not qualified to do that. What I do know is that my posture needs work; in a world that has been slouching for years past and for years to come, I want to encourage all of us to stand up straight.

Your posture of reverence may well look different from mine (and I’ve got a bad habit of peeking, so I’ll know when it does), but the important thing is that we have that reverence and let our worship come from it.

One last thing before you go: Happy Easter! Here’s to Jesus and eating chocolate until we’re sick.

Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

26 Mar

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

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We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

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“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

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Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

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You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.jl6

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

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It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.jl8

“The others – where are they?”

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“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

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Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

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I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

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See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

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“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

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“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

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“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

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“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

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I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

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“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

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Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

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I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

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“You’re the Batman?”

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Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

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“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

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We got Cyborg®™

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Wonderful Woman

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and Big Boy

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(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

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When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

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Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

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I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

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Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

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“What are your superpowers again?”

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“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

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From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

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“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

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This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

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I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

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Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

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Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

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Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

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This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

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Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

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For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

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We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

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“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

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GLORIOUS.

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“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

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“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

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“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

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“Yeah!”

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I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

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COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

There Has to be a Reasonable Explanation | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 5

5 Mar

[Historical context -my birthdays: 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. jen’s birthdays: 20, 21, 22, 23]

You know Jennifer, sisters are known for being able to speak in a series of jokes only they understand or being able to communicate through glances. I’m stoked that we’ve gotten to experience that over the last couple decades – but I’m particularly stoked that now you know what I’m talking about when I mention such well-loved TV episodes as “the one with exploding pus” and “the hate him, wouldn’t want to date him one with witches.”

Under the circumstances, I can think of no better way to celebrate your birthday than with X-Files. Can you? No, you can’t. Do you want to know why?

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My girl is so right. Let’s go.

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Jen, look at you hitting that twenty-four-year mark! You’re absolutely killing it.

Yeah, I could only briefly look for a gif to match that phrase.

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I have to draw lines, I really do. This is a birthday, and a birthday calls for something more cheerful than gifs about alien deaths. Wholesome images! Images about life and its possibilities!

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By the way, I love what you’ve done with yours. Even if Jen-smiling-in-front-of-a-lighthouse has pretty much become a meme back here in the Beaver state, we’re always so happy to see pictures of your cute face.

For your birthday, I’m gonna get you so many things. I’m gonna get you Moana. I’m gonna get you something yummy to eat. I’m gonna get you to look at this gif.

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Best present of all, right? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh haha wow I have to stay on topic. What was this post about? You? I think so. Let’s talk about you! Let’s talk about how you’ve spent the last 24 years being a top notch 10/10 human being. You make people comfortable, and you make them laugh, and for that everyone who knows you would like to thank you.

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It’s weird to have you so far away. I hope you’re making good choices without me to keep you in check with regular Doctor Who nights and that one pancake recipe I know. If you ever feel unsure, just don’t forget what you learned in Oregon before California ever got its paws on you.

If you ever do lose your way and get yourself in trouble, just be honest.

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Keep working hard, taking it easy, smiling, and trying new things. Who knows what you’ll see?

Jesus loves you, I love you, and frankly, I don’t think California can resist loving you. At the end of the day, what more could anyone want?

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You’re 24 today. One more time – Happy birthday. Don’t forget to treat yourself, kiddo.

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How to Get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

26 Feb

This month I had the singular experience of spending 55 hours out of a week in the Portland Expo Center in Oregon. No, I’m okay. Thanks for asking, though.

This was part of an annual trek to Portland for the PNW Sportsmen’s Show. During the five days of this show, the Expo Center houses hundreds upon hundreds of booths advertising guided trips, equipment, books, and about ninety different varieties of beef jerky. To translate into terms this blog has become accustomed to, people go to Sportsmen’s Shows for the same reasons people go to comic conventions:

  • To connect with like-minded people
  • To learn about new developments in the industry
  • To spend $11.99 on a single soft pretzel because the lack of vitamin D is having its way with your good sensibilities

My personal reason for attending was that my dad was running a booth and we agreed five days in this manner was a bit much for one person. Now hear this, I knew what I was getting into. I’ve been to dozens of Sportsmen’s Shows and I spent the full 5 days in the booth last year as well.

The show is massive, friendly, and it offers a diverse amount of booths to cater to every outdoor interest. Hunting, fishing, hiking, you name it. It’s also a lot, and that’s the best way I can put it as someone who can not handle a lot. It’s a lot of sweaty people in one place looking for an excuse to tell you about that kokanee fishing trip they went on last summer.

Thousands of people attend the Sportsmen’s Show in Portland every year, but, sadly, it doesn’t mean that they all have the best experience that they can have. You know what I call that? I mean, familiar, but also – a darn shame.

Let’s fix this.

How to get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

  1. Get the map at the doorImage result for reading a map gif

What’s that? You have a great sense of direction? That’s the devil talking. How do you think you’re gonna find That One Guide’s booth again once you wander away? Ask different guides in different booths? Haha, sure you will, you awful jerk. Don’t do that. Get the map. Read the map.

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  1. Bring snacks

To be fair, this is against the rules. On the record: don’t bring snacks. Bring $36 so you can buy three soft pretzels instead. This has been my official and legal statement.

  1. Pet the dogsImage result for petting dog ghibli gif

People don’t bring their dogs to the show because their dogs ask to come along. They bring their dogs because they love their dogs and want other people to see how lovable said dogs are. Do your civic duty and tell the dogs they’re beautiful. Ask them how they became the best dogs in the world. Share your secrets with them. Just pet the dogs.

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  1. Buy something

Bring your allowance and treat yourself. You don’t have to buy something at my booth (you should but you don’t have to). Just buy something. There are a lot of deals you won’t be able to get anywhere else, and also – did you pay entry just to window shop? Why???

  1. Watch the jokesImage result for chat noir bad joke gif

Scenario: You walk past a tasteful camouflage display.

Options: A) walk by B) ask staff about their product C) Say “Whoa, didn’t see you there!” D) literally anything except for option C.

Correct Answer: every answer that wasn’t C. Look, you won’t be the first person to tell this kind of a joke. You won’t even be the second, the third, or the ninth. You will be politely smiled at and then promptly cussed out once you walk away. For the love of humanity, keep any and all camo jokes inside your head.

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  1. Bingo

In anticipation of spending 10 hours out of each day inside a concrete box, I created a bingo card for use at the show. You can print mine or make your own. It’s a great tool for encourage you to notice and look for specific things.

 

sportsmans-show-bingo-cards

     7. Just have a good time

Everyone is there to enjoy themselves and to meet other people who are enjoying themselves. Keep your cool when it gets crowded, take a chill pill if your favorite vendor runs out of a certain product, and strike up conversations with the people around you. Share your positive thoughts and keep your judgmental ones to yourself.

Unless your positive thought is a camo joke.

In that case, shut your dirty mouth and get right out of my face

Trailer Breakdown for Stranger Things Season 2

5 Feb

While a televised Let’s Play was being watched by over 114 million Americans today, the TV in my home was unmuted for a whole 37 seconds.

You already know what it is.

Of course – if you don’t, then hit the newest official teaser for Stranger Things Season 2 and when you get back, I’ll still be here, screaming into a pillow.

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We open on a scene each of us have experienced first-hand, especially if, like most Americans, you are a literal member of the Brady Bunch.

“L’eggo my eggo!”

“You l’eggo my eggo!”

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Static. Brady Bunch turns a little Last Chance Detective.

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Turns a little Twilight Zone.

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“Eleven!”

I’m out-of-my-mind stoked that we have solid proof that Eleven is going to be as important in this season as she was in the last, but! Is!! She!! Staying properly hydrated!! She bleeds a lot and I’m worried

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You know what? ALL these kids need water bottles. Look at those nerds! They never get off their bikes unless they’re playing D&D campaigns or actively dying.

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First new shot of Hopper. Sorry I couldn’t get you a image where it doesn’t look like a picture you took by accident with a disposable camera when you were nine, but what’s more authentic 1984 than bad lighting and mistakes?

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This season is set in 1984, one year after the events of the first season that left us with unbearable amounts of questions, fan speculation, and people dressed as Eleven for Halloween.

(I’m not judging, I was wearing a wig and carrying a frozen waffle box just like you were.)

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Anyway, if Dustin and the Pussycats can rock their cosplays with this much confidence and charisma, I’m pretty sure none of us have to think twice about ours ever again.

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What’s Hopper dressed up for Halloween as, Indiana Jones? Lando? Or is he gonna shelve that one this year for the kids’ sakes?

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freedom for america, freedom for france

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The time stamps show that Eleven is being tested the night before Halloween. Hopefully she’s being asked about any other costume ideas she might have. If it is anything else, I’m going full mom and tearing this thing down.

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I’m going fULL MOM AND TEARING THIS THING DOWN

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Slenderman #confirmed

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Enjoy this shot of official Netflix admission that No, Will Has Not Suffered Enough™

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Same.

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If there’s something strange/in your neighborhood/who you gonna call?

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!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express how ready for this I am. If we work together, we can run this hype train for the better part of a year, right? The mouth-breathers at Netflix are making us wait a little over 8 months for this shining gem, but I’m comfortable considering this a birthday present. It’s almost eggo season again, kiddos. I’m ready.

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Hey by the way, did the Compatriots or the Meg Falconers win the Puppybowl?

Baby, Seasons Change but People Don’t.

30 Jan

What season is it now?

Don’t give me that “winter” garbage. It’s not winter. I’m not counting down the days until Christmas anymore, and when I put on a sweater, no one looks at me and sings”sweater weather!” They look… sad.

Obviously it’s not spring. I wore a t-shirt last week and if it hadn’t been for a selfless act of love, my heart would have frozen solid. I saw a swarm of eleven beautiful robins yesterday, but I think they were arguing about who had gotten them lost.

My personal sanity hinges on having something oming up to look forward to, and the nearest celebration is Super Bowl Sunday, which is the one dy a year I hope no one talks to me about what’s on TV.

So, what season is it now? I have the answer. It’s the first season of A Series of Unfortunate Events, honey. And it’s phenomenal.

Patrick Warburton’s portrayal of Lemony Snicet is at once upsetting and delightful, a mixture only ever associated with the Lemony Snicket I know and love. The writing is a marvelous marriage of the classic books and new ideas. The incrdible cast is frosting on the cake and Daniel Handler’s Hitchcock-esque cameos are the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake.

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I started to read the Austere Academy again when I finihed the series to better imagie how Netflix is going to bring it to life in season two. Listen. Listen. No one s more excited about Carmelita Spats than I am, and I will fight you on that.

I don’t want to give any spoilers to any o you who haven’t inished yet, so I will close with this – nothing could make me happier than to know that this horrible, wretched, depressing story is being televisd to reach and repel as large a goup of people as possible.

It’s exactly the opposite of what Mr. Snicket would want.

Now. If you’re done feeling annoyed by my grammatical errors, then take a figurative page out of Lemony Snicket’s literal book (Specifically, The Wide Window) and find out what I’m really trying to say here. 

The world is quiet here.

Construction Zone

27 Jan

Happy Friday!

This is not a typical post, and if you are reading it on the site, then you can see why it’s not typical when you take a look around. Let me summarize what you’re looking at: This blog is a construction zone. I’m changing the title and URL, re-designing the look, and updating old pages. Why am I doing this? Allow me to answer that question with a question –

Have you ever said the name “Freak of Fandom” out loud?

I love my sixteen-year-old self, but she’s never allowed to name anything for me ever again.

Let’s do a brief, self-guided Q&A before the URL change officially takes place.

Why are you changing the name to “Just Blank to be Here?”

I talk about fandom a lot, but it’s not all I talk about – it never has been. It’s an odd feeling to publish a personal post or write a devotional on my own site and feel like it doesn’t belong there. There have been a number of serious posts I left in the drafts because I felt like it was a lie to publish them under the brightly-colored banner of Fandom. A more detailed explanation of the new name will be on my updated “about” page.

What else will change?

The post type will be pretty much the same – it’s still me, after all. However, I will feel less embarrassed when people bring up this mess of an online diary and I might start saying my blog title out loud again. There will also be actual updates. !

Anything I should do?

Weird question, self, but I have an answer for you. Because of the URL change from freakoffandom[dot]wordpress.com to justblanktobehere[dot]wordpress.com, it is possible that some followers may find their subscription has been interrupted. If you want to continue reading my posts, unfollow me and then follow me again on the new site. If you do not want to continue reading my posts, then this is a great time to not do anything at all and simply unfollow me through lack of activity! That way, if it ever comes up when we’re talking, you can say you didn’t see this post.

(for once, I’m not being facetious; this is actually a really good game plan for those of you who need fewer emails but don’t necessarily want to hit the unfollow button on my site. I gotchu)

Thanks for reading! Your regularly scheduled programming will return shortly. Have a super cool day, kiddos.

Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined

20 Jan

Look.

Finding a job that suits you is hard.

And by the way, I would know, because this is how I’ve introduced every one of these posts since I made my first one in the Year of our Lord 2012. And as ever, I have got you covered, my friend. Introducing the be-all-end-all of aptitude tests, The Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined. 

This cheaply-but-lovingly-made quiz features all your favorite jobs that you wished you could have. Click through to reach the page and don’t forget to comment to let me know what you got.

Go. Live your dream.