From Where I Stand

14 Apr

Everyone who’s spent eleven minutes in a first grade Sunday School class knows that you’re required to bow your head and fold your hands when you pray. It’s a requirement that gets less strict as you age. As far as I can tell, it’s mostly meant for littles to keep them from whispering while you bend the ear of the Great Creator to thank Him for letting you be in the same room as the food you’re almost allowed to eat.

I was okay with this rule as a tiny one, but I didn’t really get it. As I grew up and found out God could hear you regardless of what position your hands were in, I started to think maybe praying eyes-open-and-face-forward was superior to it. in any case, it seemed like the way big kids prayed. Folding your hands feels very first-grade after a while.

Now, flash-forward a few years to one of the maybe nine things I know now: the cool thing about praying is that there’s no wrong way to do it, as long as you’re being honest and know that you’re talking to the one who made you.

But still – I think posture does matter. Bear with me. Kick out that image of Mia Thermopolis being told that Princesses don’t slouch (weren’t you thinking of that scene? Get out of my face I’m always thinking about Princess Diaries).

Let me go ahead and point at some other people who say this better than I do.  I have a distinct memory of one middle school church service in which we were asked to assume a “posture of reverence” before praying. I also remember blinking a few times while I processed the request. Look, I was homeschooled, I wasn’t dumb. I knew what the words meant, but I only sort of got what he was saying. Mostly, it was a strange thing to hear from the person who said it – i.e., the game leader, i.e., the coordinator of so much sixth-grader on sixth-grader violence.

It was interesting to see how the group responded to our leader’s suggestion. A couple dozen middle school kids channeled their respect into their respective positions – some bowed their heads, some tilted their heads back, some closed their eyes, and some nodded through the prayer. Obviously, I peeked or I wouldn’t know this at all. Sorry James.

But I get it now.

Another church leader I knew just a few years ago used to ask the congregation to stand when he read from the Bible. This one was a jolly good time because in the bigger crowd of a grown-up service, there were more reactions. You heard a couple of complaints from the people behind you who had “just gotten comfortable” and you saw a few people hop to their feet like they were about to welcome in a bride on her wedding day. Still, everyone stood all the same.

(they got it then)

In the Good Friday church service tonight, the pastor talked about Jesus’ sacrifice. What else can you talk about on Good Friday? We talked about a crown of thorns being pressed down over Jesus’ forehead. We talked about how a man was mocked, flogged, nailed to a cross, and impaled.  We talked about how all this was done to Him not because of anything He had done or hadn’t done, but because they didn’t believe He was who He said He was.

Quick aside: I wonder what people outside of the church must think when we start to wax eloquent about this topic. Does it sound as morbid as I think it sounds? Look – I’ve been going to church for twenty years. If I know anything, I know that we use way more blood metaphors than is probably healthy.

But the thing about the story of Jesus is that just where it gets morbid, hopeless, and dark, it gets brilliantly bright. Jesus is alive. That’s why Easter is a celebration.

When the singing started again, there was a burst of energy in the mood. People danced and laughed and cried. As we slipped into the chorus of the song, our pastor asked everybody to raise their hands as a sign of surrender to God; I swear, arms went up so fast anyone would have thought they were waiting for permission.

It wasn’t just some mob mentality. It wasn’t a tired group of people following orders. What happened tonight, and what has been happening for thousands of years when Christians get together, was a posture of reverence. It was a physical reaction to a spiritual sensation.

Bodily posture isn’t the moral of this story. It’s wonderful, and it’s a form of worship, but mental posture is where we really need to hold that respect. Everything we do comes from our attitude and our intentions. It’s really what all communication is about. How would your manner change if you were about to have a conversation with the person who created the universe with all its sunsets and birdsong and oceans and orange trees and mountains – and then felt it just as necessary to create you? The person who loved you so much He died for you?

Someone I want to be when I grow up once said, “You will never fail to meet God if you bring Him with you.” It’s worth a mention that God does not groan about having “just gotten comfortable” when you ask Him to come along. So why are you hurting yourself? Why are you waiting to be better before moving forward?

The work is done. The battle is over. Jesus already won.  Even as you think it’s gotten too dark to see, it’s about to be too bright to take. It’s only Friday. To borrow a phrase used by hopeful people the world over, Sunday is coming.

I don’t mean to shove a sermon in your face because I know I’m not qualified to do that. What I do know is that my posture needs work; in a world that has been slouching for years past and for years to come, I want to encourage all of us to stand up straight.

Your posture of reverence may well look different from mine (and I’ve got a bad habit of peeking, so I’ll know when it does), but the important thing is that we have that reverence and let our worship come from it.

One last thing before you go: Happy Easter! Here’s to Jesus and eating chocolate until we’re sick.

Trailer Breakdown for Justice League

26 Mar

It’s common knowledge that the best thing for anyone’s worldview is to develop a habit of gratitude. It’s not always easy to cultivate; however, life just gives you things sometimes. This is one of those times. On this beautiful March weekend, DC delivered to us the first official trailer for the Justice League movie.

As you well know, my mom raised a polite little sweetheart, so I already wrote my thank-you note (you’re reading it). Have you screamed about DC today? Take a peek at the long-awaited trailer by clicking here. When you’re through, you know where I’ll be.

jl1

We begin on a cliff and a lonely figure. Seems very like a superhero we already know.

jl3

“We have to be ready. You, me, the others – there’s an attack coming from far away.”

The voice says Bruce Wayne, but the clothes say Snart, Captain Cold.

jl4

Oh well. You can’t win them all.

“Not coming, Bruce. It’s already here.”

jl5

You know when Wonder Woman narrates the scene right before yours, something’s going down. It’s not a matter of if, but when.jl6

In this case, it’s when your air conditioning unit starts to levitate.

jl7

It’s when Terminator creeps up out of your wall like a termite. You have to get used to these things.jl8

“The others – where are they?”

jl9

“Arthur Curry. The Aquaman.”

Image result for part of your world gif

jl10

Have you ever had one of those times where a friend asked you, “Hey, what’s your type?” and you were like, “I don’t know, but I know it when I see it?”

jl11

I’m just thinking about that today, I guess.

jl12

See, this general water-based violence is something Marvel’s Prince Namor would be into. The difference is that his tiny ankle wings would be flapping like overworked canaries while he squealed about his bloodline. I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

jl13jl14

“It’s on him.”

Real nice of him to offer to pay for your drink that was actually just the last dregs of someone else’s drink. That garbage is 60% backwash now, but you do you.

jl15

“Organic and bio-mechatronic body parts… He’s a cyborg.”

I’m not going to say anything about the innate lack of imagination in Cyborg’s naming history. Hey, 1980 was a busy year. Pac-Man came out! John Lennon was shot! The last thing on my mind would be giving a cyborg a name that wasn’t just literally “cyborg.”

jl17jl18

“You should probably move.”

What a guy! This is the best advice any superhero has ever given any civilian, and it should be given way more often. See also: No one should live in Gotham City.

jl19

“Barry Allen.”

I’m here to talk to you about the Justice League… Initiative.

jl20

I love these snapshots of each person’s powers. Thank you for the clarification – for the uninitiated, Barry Allen is the one who goes nyooooom

jl21

“Whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me.”

I know, but Grant Gustin wasn’t available. Look, for real though, no beef. I adore the CW’s Flash, but Grant Gustin or Ezra Miller, if you put on that red suit, you become the light of my life.

jl22

Mr. Wayne feels a little different about the whole light-of-my-life thing, but I’m sure that will change by the end of the movie.

jl23

I’ve had two Quiksilvers and one Flash already. This scene is so familiar and cozy it makes me want to throw on pajamas and fix tea.

jl24

“You’re the Batman?”

Related image

Just “Batman.” It’s cleaner.

jl25

“They said the age of heroes would never come again.”

“It has to.”

All right, show us the lineup, The Batman.

jl26

We got Cyborg®™

jl27The Fastest Man Alive (wheniwasachildisawmymotherkilledbysomethingimpossiblemy-fatherwenttoprisonforhermurderbutthenanaccidentmademetheimpossiblesecretlyiuse-myspeedtofightcrimeandfindotherslikemeandonedayillfindwhokilledmymother)jl28

Wonderful Woman

jl29

and Big Boy

jl30

(Cried DC executives while checking the success of their last movies)

jl31

When it’s moving, it looks a lot more badass and a lot less like a video game glitch. Trust me.

jl32jl33

Look at my beautiful girl sweeping the knee; I might cry.

jl34

I’ll chase them anywhere/there’s time to spare/

jl35

Let the Justice League share this whole new world with you/

jl37

“What are your superpowers again?”

jl38

“I’m rich.”

Don’t you read comics, Barry? Rich-Man has the proportionate strength and ability of a Swiss Bank Account.

jl39

From here on out, the scenes in the trailer get very fast and hard to capture, so let me walk you through it. Batman breaks into some sort of a machine that has him flipping around.

jl40

“Now it’s my turn.”

Now it’s his turn.

jl41

This… Um, I think a moonbase colony is attacking the Justice League. Not the people of the moonbase, but like, those buildings that are all linked together on other planets in science fiction movies. You know?

jl42

I really have no idea here. This shot is a complete mystery. What is going on??? I don’t know but I’m bored

jl43

Wonder Woman flexes after beating Batman in an arm wrestling match. Aquaman looks on and feels admiration along with a little something he doesn’t recognize – is it love?

jl44

Barry Allen dropkicks the timeline and ruins everybody’s lives.

jl45

Lois Lane makes the face I made during the football scene.

jl46

This chick shows up to remind me how little I really know about DC lore.

jl47

Barry tells his dad he still believes in him. Hey! I know one or two of my last explanations may have been conjecture, but this is a sure thing. Take this one to the bank. “No, dad, you’re innocent. Don’t give up.” See you in November, nerds. I’m gonna be right.

jl48

For a battle I know nothing about, this battlefield looks incredible. I mean, what do we even know so far about the villains from the trailer?

jl49

We know their eyes glow. We know that they’re metal. We know they broke some poor chump’s air conditioner (jerks). We know that we’re rooting against them – so maybe we know all that we need to.

jl51

“Shall we?”

I’m so there, Wonderful.

jl52

GLORIOUS.

jl53

“It’s good to see you playing well with others again.”

Right back at you, J. Jonah Jameson. Is the Daily Bugle gonna be okay without you there to yell at it?

jl54

“Dressed like a bat. I dig it.”

jl55

“Maybe temporary.”

The arm wrestling match with Wonderful must have left him a little bit of a sore loser.

jl56

“Yeah!”

jl57

I live and breathe unlikely friendships. I’m already in the theater guys, let’s do this thing.

jl58

COME AT ME NOVEMBER. leave the 3D behind but COME AT ME WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. I’m so excited for this! Comments? Questions? Concerns? I’m sure a lot of people have all three, but this movie looks incredible. And for my part, I don’t mind not getting to know the villains very well as long as they take the time to love on their main characters without having to use on-screen fact sheets (cough, cough Suicide Squad cough, cough, which was still you know, cough cough, a fun movie, but like, cough, not good).

Let me know what you think of Justice League so far! Here’s to an anticipatory six months, kiddos.

There Has to be a Reasonable Explanation | One Nerdy Turn Deserves Another Vol. 5

5 Mar

[Historical context -my birthdays: 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. jen’s birthdays: 20, 21, 22, 23]

You know Jennifer, sisters are known for being able to speak in a series of jokes only they understand or being able to communicate through glances. I’m stoked that we’ve gotten to experience that over the last couple decades – but I’m particularly stoked that now you know what I’m talking about when I mention such well-loved TV episodes as “the one with exploding pus” and “the hate him, wouldn’t want to date him one with witches.”

Under the circumstances, I can think of no better way to celebrate your birthday than with X-Files. Can you? No, you can’t. Do you want to know why?

Image result for x files thank you gif

My girl is so right. Let’s go.

Image result for scully's right x files gif

Jen, look at you hitting that twenty-four-year mark! You’re absolutely killing it.

Yeah, I could only briefly look for a gif to match that phrase.

Image result for x files life gif

I have to draw lines, I really do. This is a birthday, and a birthday calls for something more cheerful than gifs about alien deaths. Wholesome images! Images about life and its possibilities!

Image result for x files life gif

By the way, I love what you’ve done with yours. Even if Jen-smiling-in-front-of-a-lighthouse has pretty much become a meme back here in the Beaver state, we’re always so happy to see pictures of your cute face.

For your birthday, I’m gonna get you so many things. I’m gonna get you Moana. I’m gonna get you something yummy to eat. I’m gonna get you to look at this gif.

Image result for x files baseball gif

Best present of all, right? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh haha wow I have to stay on topic. What was this post about? You? I think so. Let’s talk about you! Let’s talk about how you’ve spent the last 24 years being a top notch 10/10 human being. You make people comfortable, and you make them laugh, and for that everyone who knows you would like to thank you.

Image result for x files mulder and scully gif

 

It’s weird to have you so far away. I hope you’re making good choices without me to keep you in check with regular Doctor Who nights and that one pancake recipe I know. If you ever feel unsure, just don’t forget what you learned in Oregon before California ever got its paws on you.

If you ever do lose your way and get yourself in trouble, just be honest.

Image result for x files i was drugged gif

Keep working hard, taking it easy, smiling, and trying new things. Who knows what you’ll see?

Jesus loves you, I love you, and frankly, I don’t think California can resist loving you. At the end of the day, what more could anyone want?

Related image

You’re 24 today. One more time – Happy birthday. Don’t forget to treat yourself, kiddo.

Image result for x files mulder and scully gif

How to Get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

26 Feb

This month I had the singular experience of spending 55 hours out of a week in the Portland Expo Center in Oregon. No, I’m okay. Thanks for asking, though.

This was part of an annual trek to Portland for the PNW Sportsmen’s Show. During the five days of this show, the Expo Center houses hundreds upon hundreds of booths advertising guided trips, equipment, books, and about ninety different varieties of beef jerky. To translate into terms this blog has become accustomed to, people go to Sportsmen’s Shows for the same reasons people go to comic conventions:

  • To connect with like-minded people
  • To learn about new developments in the industry
  • To spend $11.99 on a single soft pretzel because the lack of vitamin D is having its way with your good sensibilities

My personal reason for attending was that my dad was running a booth and we agreed five days in this manner was a bit much for one person. Now hear this, I knew what I was getting into. I’ve been to dozens of Sportsmen’s Shows and I spent the full 5 days in the booth last year as well.

The show is massive, friendly, and it offers a diverse amount of booths to cater to every outdoor interest. Hunting, fishing, hiking, you name it. It’s also a lot, and that’s the best way I can put it as someone who can not handle a lot. It’s a lot of sweaty people in one place looking for an excuse to tell you about that kokanee fishing trip they went on last summer.

Thousands of people attend the Sportsmen’s Show in Portland every year, but, sadly, it doesn’t mean that they all have the best experience that they can have. You know what I call that? I mean, familiar, but also – a darn shame.

Let’s fix this.

How to get the Most Out of a Sportsmen’s Show

  1. Get the map at the doorImage result for reading a map gif

What’s that? You have a great sense of direction? That’s the devil talking. How do you think you’re gonna find That One Guide’s booth again once you wander away? Ask different guides in different booths? Haha, sure you will, you awful jerk. Don’t do that. Get the map. Read the map.

Image result for gravity falls snacks thompson gif

  1. Bring snacks

To be fair, this is against the rules. On the record: don’t bring snacks. Bring $36 so you can buy three soft pretzels instead. This has been my official and legal statement.

  1. Pet the dogsImage result for petting dog ghibli gif

People don’t bring their dogs to the show because their dogs ask to come along. They bring their dogs because they love their dogs and want other people to see how lovable said dogs are. Do your civic duty and tell the dogs they’re beautiful. Ask them how they became the best dogs in the world. Share your secrets with them. Just pet the dogs.

Image result for spending money bee and puppycat gif

  1. Buy something

Bring your allowance and treat yourself. You don’t have to buy something at my booth (you should but you don’t have to). Just buy something. There are a lot of deals you won’t be able to get anywhere else, and also – did you pay entry just to window shop? Why???

  1. Watch the jokesImage result for chat noir bad joke gif

Scenario: You walk past a tasteful camouflage display.

Options: A) walk by B) ask staff about their product C) Say “Whoa, didn’t see you there!” D) literally anything except for option C.

Correct Answer: every answer that wasn’t C. Look, you won’t be the first person to tell this kind of a joke. You won’t even be the second, the third, or the ninth. You will be politely smiled at and then promptly cussed out once you walk away. For the love of humanity, keep any and all camo jokes inside your head.

bingo-card

  1. Bingo

In anticipation of spending 10 hours out of each day inside a concrete box, I created a bingo card for use at the show. You can print mine or make your own. It’s a great tool for encourage you to notice and look for specific things.

 

sportsmans-show-bingo-cards

     7. Just have a good time

Everyone is there to enjoy themselves and to meet other people who are enjoying themselves. Keep your cool when it gets crowded, take a chill pill if your favorite vendor runs out of a certain product, and strike up conversations with the people around you. Share your positive thoughts and keep your judgmental ones to yourself.

Unless your positive thought is a camo joke.

In that case, shut your dirty mouth and get right out of my face

Trailer Breakdown for Stranger Things Season 2

5 Feb

While a televised Let’s Play was being watched by over 114 million Americans today, the TV in my home was unmuted for a whole 37 seconds.

You already know what it is.

Of course – if you don’t, then hit the newest official teaser for Stranger Things Season 2 and when you get back, I’ll still be here, screaming into a pillow.

st_1

We open on a scene each of us have experienced first-hand, especially if, like most Americans, you are a literal member of the Brady Bunch.

“L’eggo my eggo!”

“You l’eggo my eggo!”

st_2

Static. Brady Bunch turns a little Last Chance Detective.

st_3

Turns a little Twilight Zone.

st_4

“Eleven!”

I’m out-of-my-mind stoked that we have solid proof that Eleven is going to be as important in this season as she was in the last, but! Is!! She!! Staying properly hydrated!! She bleeds a lot and I’m worried

st_5

You know what? ALL these kids need water bottles. Look at those nerds! They never get off their bikes unless they’re playing D&D campaigns or actively dying.

st_6

First new shot of Hopper. Sorry I couldn’t get you a image where it doesn’t look like a picture you took by accident with a disposable camera when you were nine, but what’s more authentic 1984 than bad lighting and mistakes?

st_7

This season is set in 1984, one year after the events of the first season that left us with unbearable amounts of questions, fan speculation, and people dressed as Eleven for Halloween.

(I’m not judging, I was wearing a wig and carrying a frozen waffle box just like you were.)

st_8

Anyway, if Dustin and the Pussycats can rock their cosplays with this much confidence and charisma, I’m pretty sure none of us have to think twice about ours ever again.

st_9

What’s Hopper dressed up for Halloween as, Indiana Jones? Lando? Or is he gonna shelve that one this year for the kids’ sakes?

st_10

freedom for america, freedom for france

st_12

The time stamps show that Eleven is being tested the night before Halloween. Hopefully she’s being asked about any other costume ideas she might have. If it is anything else, I’m going full mom and tearing this thing down.

st_13

I’m going fULL MOM AND TEARING THIS THING DOWN

st_14

Slenderman #confirmed

st_15

Enjoy this shot of official Netflix admission that No, Will Has Not Suffered Enough™

st_16

Same.

st_17

If there’s something strange/in your neighborhood/who you gonna call?

st_18

!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express how ready for this I am. If we work together, we can run this hype train for the better part of a year, right? The mouth-breathers at Netflix are making us wait a little over 8 months for this shining gem, but I’m comfortable considering this a birthday present. It’s almost eggo season again, kiddos. I’m ready.

st_19

Hey by the way, did the Compatriots or the Meg Falconers win the Puppybowl?

Baby, Seasons Change but People Don’t.

30 Jan

What season is it now?

Don’t give me that “winter” garbage. It’s not winter. I’m not counting down the days until Christmas anymore, and when I put on a sweater, no one looks at me and sings”sweater weather!” They look… sad.

Obviously it’s not spring. I wore a t-shirt last week and if it hadn’t been for a selfless act of love, my heart would have frozen solid. I saw a swarm of eleven beautiful robins yesterday, but I think they were arguing about who had gotten them lost.

My personal sanity hinges on having something oming up to look forward to, and the nearest celebration is Super Bowl Sunday, which is the one dy a year I hope no one talks to me about what’s on TV.

So, what season is it now? I have the answer. It’s the first season of A Series of Unfortunate Events, honey. And it’s phenomenal.

Patrick Warburton’s portrayal of Lemony Snicet is at once upsetting and delightful, a mixture only ever associated with the Lemony Snicket I know and love. The writing is a marvelous marriage of the classic books and new ideas. The incrdible cast is frosting on the cake and Daniel Handler’s Hitchcock-esque cameos are the sprinkles on the frosting on the cake.

Related image

I started to read the Austere Academy again when I finihed the series to better imagie how Netflix is going to bring it to life in season two. Listen. Listen. No one s more excited about Carmelita Spats than I am, and I will fight you on that.

I don’t want to give any spoilers to any o you who haven’t inished yet, so I will close with this – nothing could make me happier than to know that this horrible, wretched, depressing story is being televisd to reach and repel as large a goup of people as possible.

It’s exactly the opposite of what Mr. Snicket would want.

Now. If you’re done feeling annoyed by my grammatical errors, then take a figurative page out of Lemony Snicket’s literal book (Specifically, The Wide Window) and find out what I’m really trying to say here. 

The world is quiet here.

Construction Zone

27 Jan

Happy Friday!

This is not a typical post, and if you are reading it on the site, then you can see why it’s not typical when you take a look around. Let me summarize what you’re looking at: This blog is a construction zone. I’m changing the title and URL, re-designing the look, and updating old pages. Why am I doing this? Allow me to answer that question with a question –

Have you ever said the name “Freak of Fandom” out loud?

I love my sixteen-year-old self, but she’s never allowed to name anything for me ever again.

Let’s do a brief, self-guided Q&A before the URL change officially takes place.

Why are you changing the name to “Just Blank to be Here?”

I talk about fandom a lot, but it’s not all I talk about – it never has been. It’s an odd feeling to publish a personal post or write a devotional on my own site and feel like it doesn’t belong there. There have been a number of serious posts I left in the drafts because I felt like it was a lie to publish them under the brightly-colored banner of Fandom. A more detailed explanation of the new name will be on my updated “about” page.

What else will change?

The post type will be pretty much the same – it’s still me, after all. However, I will feel less embarrassed when people bring up this mess of an online diary and I might start saying my blog title out loud again. There will also be actual updates. !

Anything I should do?

Weird question, self, but I have an answer for you. Because of the URL change from freakoffandom[dot]wordpress.com to justblanktobehere[dot]wordpress.com, it is possible that some followers may find their subscription has been interrupted. If you want to continue reading my posts, unfollow me and then follow me again on the new site. If you do not want to continue reading my posts, then this is a great time to not do anything at all and simply unfollow me through lack of activity! That way, if it ever comes up when we’re talking, you can say you didn’t see this post.

(for once, I’m not being facetious; this is actually a really good game plan for those of you who need fewer emails but don’t necessarily want to hit the unfollow button on my site. I gotchu)

Thanks for reading! Your regularly scheduled programming will return shortly. Have a super cool day, kiddos.

Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined

20 Jan

Look.

Finding a job that suits you is hard.

And by the way, I would know, because this is how I’ve introduced every one of these posts since I made my first one in the Year of our Lord 2012. And as ever, I have got you covered, my friend. Introducing the be-all-end-all of aptitude tests, The Career Quiz for the Fictionally Inclined. 

This cheaply-but-lovingly-made quiz features all your favorite jobs that you wished you could have. Click through to reach the page and don’t forget to comment to let me know what you got.

Go. Live your dream.

 

11.5 Things Only Homo Sapiens Will Understand

13 Jan

Living that literally standard life ❤

1. When you wake up in the morning and as a direct result you’re not asleep anymore.

It’s like, really? Didn’t I do this yesterday?

2. Fixing yourself a small breakfast because you don’t have a lot of time before you have to go to work but THEN you get hungry again and have to fix yourself a light snack before lunchtime.

Like a boss!

3. “Enjoy your movie!” “You too!” 

Image result for cringe gif

No one else knows what it’s like to be this awkward! This is an experience unique to you!! Non-human entities just don’t get it!!!

4. Sometimes, when you hang out with people for a really long time, you get tired.

Image result for kiki's delivery service gif

Like, excuse me, super nerd over here. Can everyone leave me alone with my netflix? We can’t all be extroverdes :/

5. …But when you spend a lot of time alone, you want to see one or two people you care about and have a conversation with them.

Image result for happy friends gif

You’re not some boring introvertebrae. You need people around you to remind you you’re people too!

6. You’ve enjoyed a cartoon as an adult.

Image result for adventure time gif

Looks like your inner child is alive and well! South Park here I coma;jdslf

7. You know you were a fetus for at least seven months but you don’t even remember it!

Image result for forgetting gif

Ugh, always forgetting stuff. We’ll just call you space cadet!

8. When you’re out in the sun, you are like, dying for a coke.

Image result for drinking water gif

Where’s the waiter? Bring me a tall glass of anything cold!

9. Hobbies? Yeah, you have one!

Image result for cooking meth gif

Guilty as charged!

10. A face? You have one of those too!

Image result for cringe jacksfilms gif

Maybe she’s born with it?

11. Literally just come into my house and kick me in the head, my front door’s wide open, I’m begging you

 

11.5. You’re not sure exactly when art turned into entertainment or when entertainment turned into actual garbage, but you sure know a dumpster when you see one!

Don’t forget to like, comment, throw your computer or mobile device through a portal to another, better world, and rate this article on a scale of Epic Fail (LOL) to #YASSSqueenSLAY

Trailer Breakdown for Moana

16 Sep

There’s something special about November. And by “something” I mean “a lot of things.” You’ve got that post-October glow, every tree has gone full fall color or has already lost most of its leaves. It’s a safe haven between Halloween and Christmas that is full of warm colors and chilly nights. But most importantly, in the heart of every other November, we are treated to a new Disney movie that we 100% ignore Thanksgiving dinner to attend and/or discuss at excruciating length.

It’s not bad, my friends, it’s not bad at all.

If you’ve already seen the Moana trailer, please get psyched with me, and if not, join the happy masses and indulge yourself in the full official trailer for Moana and then get your butt back here for class discussion.

moana1

“For Generations, this peaceful island has been home to our family…”

What do you think, singing volcanoes? No singing volcanoes? I’m undecided.

moana2

I am already in love with the water animation. I hate how much work its making me do to get a good shot of it, but I love watching it. These pictures really don’t do it justice.

moana3

Yeah thanks, I wasn’t already sold on the idea of a pet pig with Waddles in Gravity Falls. Sign me up. I’ve already ordered nine Pua plushies.

moana4

Look at how alive these parents are! Like, strikingly alive! Well done, Disney.

moana5

Oh. Hm. Frozen flashbacks. Hold on to those parents, Moana.

moana6

“But beyond our reef, a great danger is coming.”

moana7

THIS VOLCANO IS NOT SINGING AND NO UKULELE MUSIC IS IN SIGHT

moana9

“Legend tells of a hero who will journey to find the demi-god Maui.”

How does one go about finding a demi-god? Assuming that Camp Half-Blood is out of the picture of course. But maybe I shouldn’t rule that out yet. Percy Jackson would definitely be of use in an island community.

moana11moana12

Okay. Well maybe Percy Jackson is a little outmatched. I mean… the Rock.

moana13

alex-tweet

It’s terminal

moana14

“And together, they will save us all.”

I trust them.

Hey, we’ve got a lot of money shots of this necklace so far. Am I allowed to be curious or am I making mountains out of mole hills? I just never really see any casual jewelry in Disney movies. It’s either cursed or blessed. It’s gonna save her or kill her. That’s how jewelry works.

moana16

On another note, I’m absolutely ecstatic that she’s like a surfing, earth-bound Jim Hawkins so far.

moana17

It’s treasure planet

moana18

I’m glad that the ocean isn’t 100% being portrayed as lawful good because I’m not ready to be told that it wants the best for me. That thing will have its WAY.

moana19

Look what it did to Moana’s boat. I don’t trust it.

moana20

I grew up in a very different culture, but I sure wouldn’t have guessed that the first ominous shadow I saw was a demi-god.

moana21

“Maui?”

But what do I know? Very little, as time has told.

moana22

I thought Pua the Pig was gonna be the Rapunzel’s Pascal of this movie, but looks like the spotlight is more on this rooster as Jim Hawkin’s Morph. I’m not complaining. I’ve already ordered nine rubber replicas

moana23

“A boat!”

moana24moana25

I want to thank Disney from the bottom of my heart for the frame-by-frame workmanship that went into making this possible. It has saved my life. Bless you.

moana26

Still, it’s not a very dignified way to go. Guess that necklace ended up being cursed after all. RIP Moana 2016-2016

moana27

Of course this guy survives. Heihei is the unkillable cockroach of this world.

moana29

“Maui? Shape-shifter! Demi-god of the wind and sea! I am -“

moana30

“Hero of men.”

moana31

“Wh-What?”

moana32

“It’s actually Maui, shape-shifter, demi-god of the wind and sea, hero of men. I interrupted! From the top – hero of men. Go.”

Okay. Well. He is Percy Jackson then.

moana33

“I am not going on a mission with some little girl.”

I live for this line in fiction because it means someone’s gonna get shown the hell up.

moana34

“This is my canoe, and you will journey to -“

moana35

Okay, in this case it was Moana getting shown the hell up. But my point stands.

moana36

And btdubs, the ocean is having none of your elitist crap today, Maui.

moana37

“Did not see that coming.”

Image result for flynn rider did not see that coming

moana-you-have-no-idea-how-long-it-took-me-to-get-this-shot

“The ocean is a friend of mine.”

  1. the splash coming off the high-five
  2. the heart and the hook engraved on her paddle
  3. the hair frizz
  4. literally everything

10/10 would watch scene several more times in a row

moana39

“First, we gotta go through a whole ocean of bad.”

Non-singing volcanoes are always bad in my book.

moana40moana41

How hungry do you have to be when you try spear hunting for the thinnest rooster in the world?

moana42

… Maybe this is more about malice than hunger.

moana43

Take a good look at every toddler’s Halloween costume circa 2017. Tag me in your instagrams, young parents.moana44

“Kakamora.”

“Kaka what?”

moana45

!

moana46

“They’re kinda cute!”

moana47

!!!!!!!!!

moana48

moana50

I have a lot of casting decisions I fawn over, but this one is pretty near the top.

moana51

You guys have no idea how many shots of Maui jumping off of stuff I deleted to shorten this post. This demi-god is that eighth-grader you knew who shouted “PARKOUR” every eleven minutes and jumped off his roof for the vine.

moana52

Hey kids, this incredibly talented girl is going to be only sixteen when this movie comes out this fall. Please protect her. I love like she is my own.

moana53

This shot makes my bun feel a little bit jealous.

moana54

I told you non-singing volcanoes were bad news.

moana55

Well, it’s probably the lava. I don’t know, if this is the answer to my prayers and actually a Lilo & Stitch tie-in, it might be a crash-landing spaceship.

moana56

“Moana!”

Scared away once again by the mosquitoes. I’m willing to overlook lack of originality for the chance to see Stitch bond with another girl just trying to find her way in seemingly uncaring world.

moana57

The rooster, you’ll notice, is fine. Who’s the real hero here?

moana58

“Got your back!”

The intricate designs in this movie are killing me slowly and so, so happily.

moana60

“It’s Maui Time!”

So! What route am I going here? I could make a “Thing” reference, but the whole “it’s clobbering time” seems a little obvious, what with the lava monster looking like the Thing already.

There’s a time zone joke in there too, but it kind of lags.

moana61

And now for a happy interlude to convince you that yes, you can bring your kids to this.

moana62

Peaceful!

moana63

Charming!

moana64

Aaand, we’re back. Show me my girl in action.

moana65

SHOW ‘EM MOANA.

moana66

Oh, I’m here for bonding! I’ll pay extra for bonding. Also, this is one of the only shots of grown-up Moana without the necklace. So what about what I see on her mother’s neck? CNN investigates this incredibly unimportant segue at 11:00.

moana67

A mother holds her young my the scruff of its neck as she absolutely massacres something. I love her so much.

moana68

“Riding happily into the sunset” reimagined.

moana69moana70moana71

“Really? Blow dart. In my butt cheek.”

I don’t know what to tell you man, it’s kind of a sizable target.

moana72

I’M READY.

moana73

“The coordinates say you’re practically on top of it”

Wait! Augh, I should have done a Phantom of the Opera reference. You know, in the masquerade sequence? It’s less succinct, but it’s more mainstream. Whatever. If you want Carmen Sandiego, you got it, if you want Phantom, it’s implied.

moana74

I could go for some Carmen Sandiego right about now though.

moana75

“We’re going to the realm of monsters?”

moana76

“Don’t worry! It’s a lot farther down than it looks.”

moana77

See? The Tigger of our generation. Bless him.

moana78

“I am still falling!”

Moana ain’t gonna throw her hair down for your sorry butt, Maui.

moana79

HAHA SURE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TEARED UP WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT LMM WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MASTERPIECE

moana80

And I so know what I’m thankful for. Long live the Princesses.

Guys! What do you think? Get on board the hype train with me.